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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 11:04 pm 
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41 days no opes
24 days no subs

A little background on how I got to be an addict - my daughter was born on June 29, 2002. Her mother moved out of the house the day before, unbeknownst to me, of course, as gradually over a week in the hospital(it wasn't the healthiest birth and my daughter almost died), everything deteriorated for reasons which are still pretty unclear to me. Something drastically changed in her over that week, and no one had ever despised me as much as she did over the next, well, ten years now I guess.

Anyway, I started coping with losing her and, obviously, the chance to be a full-time father by doing cocaine. I wasn't exactly the greatest pre-birth father I imagined. I was still going out almost every night, still smoking pot and hanging out with friends here and there. I mean, I was still only 25 at the time and I knew that once my daughter was born a lot of things were going to stop for me. Typical guy way of dealing with it of course - get it all out of me before moving on with my life. At least, that's what I THOUGHT was the reason she left.

The rug was kind of swept out from under me I thought, and cocaine numbed me to the point where it was the only way I could accept things. I didn't miss any of my scheduled time with my daughter, mind you. Never have over 10 years. I love her more than anything in the world and we have a great relationship. When she was born, I never loved like that before. So, of course when it all changed, I became a monster. Granted, my kid's mom and I never married, which I guess was luck, cause either I or her would be dead by now.

For years, I blamed myself for everything. What could I have done better to prevent everything from happening? Why was this happening to me? So, to get off of coke, obviously, I thought percs and vikes every now and then would help me numb myself in a better way. Started off just like everything else, a half a 5mg during the day, maybe a full one at night, graduating to 80-160 mg daily by the end of my run six weeks ago tomorrow. It got me to stop coke, which was good because I was starting to get bad on that at the time. And I thought I'd found the answer in opiates.

It's funny, you would think that the birth of your child would get you to clean up just because, but all of our circumstances in life are different and even though Ive been high as shit for most of the last 10 years, I still was gradually able to come to grips with what happened and realized that no matter what I did, what I said, or what civility I tried to secure, these circumstances were not my fault. My kid's mom is the kind of person who flat-out told me a few years ago she used me just to have a baby. So, basically everything was fake and it was at that point that I realized all of the above would never be good enough for her.

Anyway, today I got hammered by her for not washing my daughter's uniform while she was here this weekend and it had been a while since we had any kind of discussion/argument. My washing machine is broken, and Ive tried to have my landlord get it fixed since Wednesday. He's on vacation (shouldn't matter) and now its at the point where he isn't answering his phone at all and I'm fucking annoyed and pissed off. On top of that, my internet was down all night last night and all day today and someone can't get out to fix that until tomorrow. It's working right now, but it's been going on and off for the past few days.

A lot of challenges came up for me all in the span of the last 18 hours. And you know what? I dealt with them with a clear mind, no anger, no urge to use, no plans to go back to the way I used to deal with things. After I heard her voicemail about the clothes today, I simply smiled, deleted it on my phone, and moved on. 4 years ago, I'd have called back, started a war, did about a dozen pills to deal with it and then repeated it indefinitely.

There's a whole lot more to my stories, but that's the gist of it. We all have something that made us become addicts and I'm not ashamed to admit that it was my own stupid way of dealing with what felt like the loss and the missing of my daughter. Since Ive quit percs and been off of subs, I look at her and I realize how great she is and how great she has been for me in my life. I mean, I knew that before I quit, obviously, but I see it so much clearer now. And while I went through the regret phase of quitting everything, meaning the regret of DOING drugs for years not quitting them, one of the things I regretted was spending ten years with my kid high. But I still feel like I accomplished something a lot of fathers do not ever get to - the joy of watching my daughter grow up wayyyyyyyyy better than I am.

Six weeks off percs tomorrow and this coming week I will get to a month off of subs. What a great mark that is for me to reach. I'm bragging now and I don't care.

Charlie


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2012 12:01 am 
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Wow, if your daughter knew that for all her life, the Dad she knew, was a high one, and that he quit right now, she would be so proud of you and happy to know that she can be with a sober dad while she's still got so many years left of her childhood/teen years. Some dads are like that for their children's whole lives. You're a really smart Dad and you know what? I think I have finally put a meaning to your screen name. Sure, you've always been Dad. But now... you are a new Dad. Dads are what children look up to as the strongest human being they know (i'm not being sexist or anything -- it's a fact, men are generally stronger than women). And you have defeated your brain, your body, the most addictive substance in the entire world -- opiates. Now THAT is some serious Dad accomplishments. So this new era, this new season, is a seasons as Dad. Super Dad. The Dad that every kid wishes they had, that wasn't alcoholic, that didn't yell, that didn't get high every night. You're That Dad. And you're about to have the closest relationship you've ever had in your entire life - with your daughter. I'm sorry to hear that your wife said she used you to have a kid. But God works in mysterious ways. And your daughter will be the best thing that ever happened to you. She is lucky to have you -- without you, she would not exist. You have accomplished the most biggest accomplishment you could ever achieve in this world -- making another life. How much credit do you give your creator? (I'm talking about Parents, not God).

Everyone wants to be loved. We put love into everyone around us and it feels good. Then one day, that person does something to reveal that they don't love you like you thought they did. And we are hurt inside. And we turn to opiates, because they give us love -- they give us the love chemical. But some of us can be strong enough to still love ourselves, even after we are hurt by people we love that turn out to not love us like we thought they loved us. That is the key -- loving ourselves. And you obviously have that part down pat, by not thinking about using, and being able to calm down at frustrating circumstances... at Day 24. That shows a true human being that truly knows the number 1 secret to living your life to the fullest -- loving yourself. It is when you love yourself that you will not need outer material things such as cars or drugs. Know that you have the knowledge of the greatest mystery of the universe, that so many people struggle with every day, and don't you forget it. Never lose sight of it, and you will succeed.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2012 3:05 am 
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[marq=right]GOOD FOR YOU[/marq]


I mean on everything, great job man. isn't just an overwhelming sense of empowerment you feel??? to have hit what would have been a roadblock "before" and turn it almost into something positive???
I totally relate to what you are talking about. Not EXACTLY of course, I dont know EXACTLY how you feel, but Ive def hit my fair share of roadblocks lately, and been able to overcome them ALMOST adult-like!!!!! LOL
when the F did that happen??????

anyways, great job, keep it up!! and your a real inspiration :wink: :wink: :wink:

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2012 5:30 am 
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[font=Comic Sans MS]That post absolutely brought tears to my eyes. I don't know all of the details, but your situation is mine reversed. My youngest daughters dad, at one time, sent a text to who he thought was "his girlfriend" and he accidentally sent it to me. He sent it when he had just gotten off of the phone with me. It said "And to think she was just supposed to go away after I took Kylie and left".
Whatever. I ain't going nowhere!

You are such a strong man. You truly are. Invisible Movement hit the nail on the head. Everything that she said is true. I suspect that your daughters mom is more pissed off that you didn't just go away. Tough shit right? You clearly love your daughter and you are such an amazing father too. I wish you the best.

Kudos to you for not using! That was definitely a test. This is the hardest part of recovery I think. Learning to live life on life's terms. Just rolling with the punches when they come. You did exactly what I do with Kyies dad, erase the voicemail and move on. He isn't worth relapsing over. Not at all. You deserve to pat yourself on the back. Really. Especially this arly in the game. I am proud of you! Keep up the good work. If you ever need to talk shoot me a PM. I can relate to what you are going through.

Good Luck and Congratulations on staying strong![/font]

_________________
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
~Deepak Chopra


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:34 pm 
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Thank you everyone. Your encouragement really keeps my number of days moving along sometimes and this weekend was definitely one of those times. A lot of shitty things happened, but I didn't succumb to anything, dealt with things with a clear head, and everything is resolved and good now.

43 days no opes, 27 days no subs. Tomorrow's the 4 week mark subless. MAN I could go for one right now! haha

Just kidding. never again!

Keep on fighting the good fight. Love ya all

Charlie


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:36 pm 
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I'm sorry 43/26 not 43/27. 17 days apart I have to keep remembering to add it up correctly HAHA

See? Told you it was a shitty weekend :P


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