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 Post subject: My Dad Died...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 2:02 am 
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So, some of you know that my dad passed away last Monday. I flew down to FL to be with my family and to go to dad's memorial service last Wednesday and I got back Sunday night.

Since then i have been in a ball on the couch watching tv or reading. When I stop distracting myself for a few minutes all the thoughts and feelings come pouring in and I burst into tears. I've gotten better at stopping the outward display of emotion, but then my head starts to hurt. It throbs like it wants to explode.

I know the things I "should" be doing, but I'm having a hard time doing them. Everything triggers memories, everything hurts. I have homework that I can't concentrate on and I skipped all my classes this week. I have to go to work tomorrow because I can't afford any more time off but I don't know how I'm gonna do it. I'm just a mess.

I haven't used but my recovery is in the toilet. I'm isolating myself...so I guess this is me trying to reach out. A few of you have been so kind during this time, but I have to say that I was kinda hurt by how few messages of support I got - I put a lot of my time and effort and self into helping people here. Maybe that's just silly...to expect that people would reach out, I don't know.

So I'm asking. I need kind words now, I need to know that people care. When life gets as hard as it is right now, friends are one of the few things that remind me that the hard work is worth it. Because frankly, the thought of a few hours of NOT having to feel this way is pretty tempting.

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 4:14 am 
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Hey there!

Well, I can say that I checked up on ya a few times :) I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to say more, but I am having serious work issues and for the last week was being harassed about taking a new job. I could not make a decision and it was literally eating away at me. I decided to take the other job but I have serious doubts. I hate that.

My mom passed away last year, so I know exactly how you are feeling, but for me it was sort of a double whammy, because it brought back my dad's suicide which I never really dealt with.

Its sad that not many have reached out to you, but perhaps addicts tend to be sort of self-loathing and I guess preoccupied with how they feel more than others. I'm sure that is a common observation.

If there is anything I can do, let me know. I meant to ask you where to send something for the services actually but you had already left.

Jim

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 10:41 am 
DOQ - I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm not gonna say I know how you feel because I don't. My parents are in their 70s and I know my time to lose them is coming, sooner than later at this point. Just the thought of losing one of them is almost more than I can bear. In fact I had a dream a few years ago in which my Mom passed away....I woke up shaking and sobbing...it seemed so real....I felt the feelings if only for a few minutes. Even that was horrible, so I am so very sorry for how you must feel.
I would imagine this would be a time of hard core temptation to numb up. You've just got to remember that the feeling the drugs gave us was fake, an illusion of joy and peace....not the real deal! That's not what you want. You WILL get through this and you will come out on the other side...intact and clean and somehow peaceful. You're just living life like a normal, healthy, nonaddicted person after all. Anyone with a healthy psche would be hurting right now, depressed and sad, maybe even curled up in a ball too. That's not abnormal at all! What would be abnormal would be to go out and get high. Just allow yourself this time to grieve. It won't last forever. You have to go back to work and back to class, and you have a child to take care of...you ain't got time to be sad for too long!
Go do what you know works for you, what you've told all of us to do....exercise, meditate, stay busy.
I am sorry that you haven't received more encouragement in your time of need. I think that's a real problem with people these days. In general, people are more self absorbed than ever before, so busy and wrapped up in all their daily tasks that they don't take time to stop and think about others anymore. It makes me sad too!
What you do here on the forum has helped and encouraged me greatly and I do appreciate it so much. You can't screw up...you're my example!!!


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 10:44 am 
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Oh Diary I'm so sorry I had no idea your father passed away or I certainly would have said something. I know it doesn't make any difference when someone says they're sorry for a loved one passing away and the only comfort I got was from talking to others who had been through the loss of a close loved one. Even though it's not the same as losing one's father my brother was killed in a car accident back in the summer of 2004. I literally shut down. I'd lost grandparents before Kris died but had never had to deal with someone I was very close to dying. Even now I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I'll never see him again. I kept waiting for the moment when I'd "get over" his death but all that has changed now is that I feel like my memories with my brother were in some kind of past lifetime but I'm able to not break down in tears everytime something reminds me of him or our childhood growing up together.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that time was the only thing that helped me deal with my brothers death and that you shouldn't feel bad for not being able to go on about your life like nothing happened. I wish you were able to take some time off of work but you seem to be doing the right thing trying to reach out to others. I want you to know how much I'll be thinking about you and that what has helped me the most is that I shouldn't feel bad for not reaching some moment of clarity where I no longer miss my brother and that time has been what has helped me the most. So please don't feel bad for having to take time to grieve. I really think that I should have talked to a doctor back then to see about maybe starting some kind of an antidepressant and while that may not be what works for you or what you think you should do I'm just saying please don't feel bad for having to ask someone else for help.

You've been such an important part of our community here Diary my heart aches for your loss. People have noticed though how much time you've spent trying to help others here and I can tell for me at least many times what you've said has made me feel so much better just knowing that someone else cares about what I'm going through and that when no "normies" could possibly understand everyone here especially you has been willing to drop what they're doing and take the time to make me feel better. I know I speak for more than just myself when I say that there are many people here who feel your pain along with you. I've just come to realize that sometimes things that happen just don't have a good explanation but I treasure my memories with my brother so much more now and that no one will be able to take those memories away and hopefully you'll find that true in your case as well.

My eyes are tearing up just thinking about how much you must hurt right now. I'm really hoping that things start to get easier for you as they did for me and I'm sure over time they will. I really didn't know about what was going on with you or I would have dropped everything I'm doing to try and help as you have for me so many times. Try and take care of yourself Diary and know that things will get easier and don't feel bad because you're not instantly able to stop crying.

Hang in there as best you can and know that our entire community is hurting along with you.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 12:25 am 
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I don't have a lot of stamina to write an appropriate reply right now, but I wanted to thank you guys for your kind words and support. I'll try to write more later. I went back to work today and it was hard.

I kept checking here, hoping for some moral support. I can't tell you how much your replies mean to me. Really.

Thank you.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 1:15 pm 
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I'm sure that it may be difficult to have a good sense of humar now but honestly what helped me the most after my brother died was watchting a comedy and at least for an hour or so I felt like I hurt a little less. I really hope things start getting a bit easier for you and I really do think it's good to try and talk to other people (family good friends etc) about how you're feeling. I refused to talk about things for a long time and now I think I could have gotten back to life a bit sooner if I had.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 1:18 pm 
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Also this may sound really silly but a few times when I was alone it seemed to help for me to say a few things outloud that I felt like needed to be resolved between my brother and I.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 6:52 pm 
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Diary,
I have read so many of the things you have to say on here and even tho I never really replied or talked to you, but you have had such a postive influenece on many people and myself that I want to say something.

Please dont take anything the wrong way, I am a poor typist...

I dont want to say I am sorry because I think that would be very insulting due to not even knowing you, even tho I am terribly sorry for any crisis as such...... but would like to say I can relate and empathize. I DO NOT know how you feel but know it is very badly and that no one can really say anything to make you feel better right now. At least when my father passed away thats how I felt. It was the deepest of my addiction years (12-19-2005) so I was blinded by using and regret it. I would like to say that as much as you want to be numb or feel better, using will not help! YOU NEED to have a clear mind, and be able to make good decisions. Using will only hurt what you strived so hard to achieve and will cause so much more problems and pain in the long term, even if you are numb for few hours. Please try to think of what you have accomplished and what it would mean to your family and your self to use again, even once.

PLEASE understand I am TRYING to help and know that in situations like this, everyone is different. Some need time alone, some need tons of love and people around them, others need to talk to someone, anyone..... Some heal quickly, others never do. Time does help, but as raw as it is for you right now, your wound needs to heal. Nothing will make you instantly feel better, not even using. I wish you so much luck and wish I could say something better. I would love to help with anything if I can in anyway.

I am clean now and have not had to go thru what you are going thru being clean, and could only imagine how hard it must be for you. I hope you can find what you need to stay strong and stay smart in this time of desperation. Please hang in there and my best wishes and luck to you.
Bill


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Nov 29, 2009 5:44 pm 
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Dear Diary,

My sympathy goes out to you. I have not been here much lately because of school and my internship, but as soon as I saw this I wanted you to know you were being thought of.
I lost my mother in May of 2003 ( she passed because of complications brought on by Diabetes). We had a very poor relationship ( She also suffered from severe psychological issues)but once she went into hospice care, I stayed with her as much as I could.She lost the ability to speak towards the end, and I remember her just staring into my eyes,and she told me she was sorry for everything. I told her it was all OK. we wasted so much of our lives being apart or fighting, that all was over now.
You know yourself quite well and you know what isolating can do, just try to talk to someone if you haven't. Take Care!

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"It is never too late to be what you might have been!" - George Eliot


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 Post subject: My thoughts are with you
PostPosted: Sun Nov 29, 2009 6:21 pm 
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Sorry to hear about your father. I'm sure he would want you to go on to lead a happy, healthy life. Congratulations on not using during what must be a very difficult and trying time. Don't isolate yourself! Find others you can lean on in your time of need (I'm not so good at doing that either). Know that there are people on this site that care and you can reach out to us also. My thoughts are with you.


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 Post subject: sorry so delayed
PostPosted: Tue Dec 01, 2009 3:16 pm 
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My condolences. I somehow didn't see the thread regarding the passing of your father. There is absolutely nothing that I can do or say to lessen your pain (though I certainly do wish that there was) but please know that I'm sending all of the good energy, karma, blessings, prayers, whatever you believe in or need your way. There have been several times that you've leant me a simple response, a lesson learned, a sympathetic reply and it is always appreciated. Please do whatever it is you need to do to heal or at least to not use. You're quite the role model to me (and I am sure plenty of others, too). The successes you've had and shared with us are sometimes one of the very few things that keep me going (in the right direction, that is). Again, my deepest and most sincere condolences.
Although I can in no way understand or fully empathize with you having to deal with the death of a parent, I can sympathize with your hurt feelings. I very tragically lost a cousin two summers ago and it seemed like my closest friends were the ones who cared the least. I don't know if it's their fear of death or their inability to deal with watching a loved one in that much pain or just very poor coping mechanisms but whatever it is it totally sucks to be on the receiving end of peoples lack of concern.


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