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PostPosted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 10:18 pm 
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I gonna try to make this as short and as sweet as possiable but i would say within 6 hrs i will be in no postion but to role aroung on the floor clenching & praying for releif, as some of u know i have struggled to get back on my subs throughout the past month, going thru 2 P. w'd s in the attemps and then finally succeeded twice and gaining 4 days of peace the 3rd attemt, and another 4 the 4th attempt, it was beautiful those first 3 days then when the 4th came and i anticaped driving past my guys spot on the way to my drug-test & i ultimatlely broke. I stayed clean those 4 days jus to pass a test (First Problem), pissed earleir that day, cooled it with the intentin of reheating it in hopes everything would go how i insanely rationalized this bullshit in my addict brain and how brilliant an idea right?. I found that the piss would be ruined considering the steps i took, i had no time to research that so used a friends piss who had 5 days clean from coke and a few benzos. I am afraid of what will happen when i see doc on the 20th but if wanna dance with the devil I have to pay the piper.
Well i had currently worked myself back up to 4 grams a day of Heroin, Everything has come to a crashing hault! Its tax time and my estimated taxes makes me wanna jump off the nearest bridge.....my last bang was a g in a half! (!1 shot) I say this not to brag, i mean really how kool is that???? Its horriable, I around 40 hrs i beleive from from my last shot of H, since then iv'e moved to perks because of the half life, oxycodone rather. It took 210 mgs yesterday just to make it bearable, today i took around 180 , took my last dose at 8:30. I have about 6 clonopins and 2 lyerica to help mr thru till i cant beaar it any longer, i really hope everything goes smooth this time as last and hope to hold on any way i can.
I'm thinkiing i wil be taking my fist dose at around 5 or 6 a.m....I am terrified, I've only kicked a H habit like this once, every other time it was a wide cocktail.... I'm just so tired of this cyclye. like so many of us are, I may everything i have for probably the 3rd time in my life, and im only 3o. I know the odd against me, I started on pain meds from my dr due to an onjury at 19 yrs old and completely oblivios to what i was getting into, Don' tbother beating yourself up for a logical reason behind a illogical disease...IT MAKES NO SENSE ON THE SURFACE....keep me in ur prayers as i keep u in mine and hopefully ill be updating tommorrow with happy news and once again a Choice........taken for granted way too much, just the simple choice to sllep thru the night or sleep an extra 30min in the morning instead my addiction decides almost everything for me....no more!!


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 10:41 pm 
You can do this DannyB!! So glad you decided to get back on sub!! I really will be praying for you!! You dont have much longer to wait if i read it correctly. In the morning right? Im rootin for ya!! Hang in their an keep updating!!


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 12, 2011 11:20 pm 
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hey!!! glad you decided to get back on the sub. Please just try your very hardest to make it till you induce, we all know it sucks and although ive never done H, I have come off 320mg of oxy a day for 3 years with nothing but a couple zans. we all know how much it sucks but we also know that the other side is better and there is alot to live for. good luck and you are in my prayers...i know you can make it till the morning and then you can induce and everything will be better for you.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 12:00 am 
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You got another one praying for you here, bud. I know you've been having a terrible time with this cycle and I pray you're able to get completely switched over to suboxone this time. Don't ever give up!!

Please, get on a high dose of suboxone if you can too. We had another member relapse here not long ago and the suboxone ended up blocking the effects of the pills they took. That's going to be another prayer I say for you, that you can get on a high enough dose of suboxone to protect you if temptation comes your way again.

Don't ever give up trying to get better!! Do not let your addiction tell you that you can't get clean and stay clean, you most certainly can!!


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 7:24 am 
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I agree with Romeo that you will probably do better if you're on a pretty high dose of sub. You want it high enough to block anything you might take and to knock those cravings on their ass!

Just remember, it's the state of your withdrawals that counts when it comes to induction, not the amount of time. I wish you the very best that it goes well this time. Please keep us updated.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 8:10 am 
I concur on the higher dose considering your usage. I think it will make you feel much better/safer also. I hope everything is ok and that we'll be hearing how great your induction went very soon, possibly today. Fingers crossed!!


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 4:16 pm 
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I thought i would update everyone on my progress on getting back on my subs, well I'm sad to say i have not suceeded. I can go on and give excuse after excuse and they sound really good at the time, but the fact is I'm still dirty. I've been trying to stay away from the H, which was at about $300.00/day habit. I went to oxycodone and have had to maintain on at least 180 mgs/day and it keeps me ok but I have to dose around 30 mgs every few hours. Anyways I'm just really discouraged about the whole thing!! I have taken my healthcare for granted the last yr or so, I havent been paying much at all for my subs or my dr app. due to my H.C plan. Well I'm gonna lose my Healthcare as of febuary and am having trouble deciding what action to take. I am self-employed and at my income would be paying up the ass! for a plan. This is the first time in my life i will have not ben insured and it sucks, really makes me feel for all the people out there in a similar situation. I can get subs on the street, as i have some friends that would be willing to help me out, I also have at least a 2 month supply saved myself. So I guess at this point im considering kicking all together (slim chance) and never lasted for any extended period of tiime, I could really put the effort into finding some healthcare i can afford and not be so negative about the whole deal ( which is what i will probably do ), or i can just maintain my current supply and am quite confident i would never have to worry about running out. I beleive i could come up with a yrs supply in no time. I have my appointment with my sub dr on the 20th and have decided to be a matyr in a sense. I'm gonna come clean and explain my relapse, how i really had no where to turn but to the DR prescribing them in the first place and told me she would take my scribt indefinately if she were to findout of relapse. Well this is bullshit and since I may have not passed last months test, and I may be losing my Health care next month anyways, I think its a prime time to inform this Dr on how the addict works, and what they may need as in my case which was just a lil direction and someone to tell me things were gonna be ok, instead i stayed as sick as my secret and lost almost everything in the process!! Just paid my estimated tax for last quarter and i thank god! that i was able to pay it considering all my circumstances. I will not give up, I'm not quite sure which way to come at my recovery this time as things have changed so quickly, but I do know i dont wanna die, I dont wanna be a pinbag, I want to be the father i always dreamed of and not just a big dollar sign, I want freedom when i open my eyes in the morning, I want LIFE, I'm so tired of this disease consuming and dictating my every step. I will keep everyone posted and thanks everyone for being here PEACE


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 8:11 pm 
Ahhhh man sorry to hear this!! You may have said you already tried this so forgive my memory but, have you ever tried methadone? If you've already mentioned this, again please forgive me. My memory is not that great. I really hope you can get this thing under control because you have a daughter who needs her dad to be a part of her life. Gotta get through this thing man!! I just hate that your having so much trouble and feel terrible that i dont have any good answers for you. Dang i just dont know what to say. I am very sorry to hear that this has happend!! I hope you'll keep updating how your doing. I did start to wander how things went when you werent around for a bit. Do you remember what it was exactly that went wrong? Was it the withdrawal you couldnt stand or just the urge to use?


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 8:20 pm 
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I guess the odds are really against all of us addicts. Some of us have been fortunate enough to get our lives back one day at a time with the help of Suboxone. You're heading in the right direction. You're here on this forum, you're sick and tired of your disease and you're disgusted, to use some of your own words. Also, you're not 19 anymore, you're 30, so you know you're not immortal. So hopefully by grace the day will come when you are ready and you'll do whatever it takes with the insurance or the doctor or whatever obstacles you have to face, and get into remission. We're here to support you when you're ready. We've been where you are, in the "in between" stage and it really sucks. The drugs don't work anymore but recovery is just out of reach. But you will get there, and we'll be here to help you along when you do.
stay safe,
Lilly


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 Post subject: Hell
PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 10:51 am 
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Last night and this morning have reminded me of the pure horror of being sick and full of fear! I only had around 60 mgs of oxycodone to maintain me last night and this morning, dosing at 15 mgs it really helped with my R.l.s but none of my other symptoms especially the anxiety. The worry and question " am i gonna be ok? Really am i gonna survive this? Its come down to this DARKNESS iv'e never felt before, like i have tottally felt so much pain and loss over the last secade with my addiction but it seems like I've tried everything ( except the methadone clinic ) though i have kicked it on the street which is why i think iv'e stayed away all this time, and even now it doesn't seem like a practical option but who knows? Death isn't either and i know thats were I'm going if this doesn't stop A.S.A.P. There's a snow storm this morning, I'm out of opiates, dosed 15mgs about 2 hrs ago and am starting to get the chills, bumps, watery eyes, nose etc.... u know, but this time the anxiety of it all is overwhelming and i feel helpless and alone. I feel like I'm stuck in the mud, and theres nothing else around. Sure it takes my mind off it briefly when writing but my reality pains my heart and lately Ive seriously just been wanting everything to end if u know what i mean... I know she needs me, but this thing has consumed me, it has chewed me up for years, tricking me and befriending me just to turn and try to kill me when I'm down. I will say that lil Girl is the only thing keeping me fighting at this point, i hate to be do depressing but it almost seems the easy way out for me, though i know it would ruin or could ruin her. I'm just like so many out there with no where else to turn, I am turning to where I always seek refuge when all seems out of control, that's in GOD, he has carried me thru these storms before but it gets harder to ask for help the more times u throw it away, so be careful my fellow RLS haters, our addiction is so tricky and will have us think we r in control when that is so far from the truth! idk what or how i will survive this day but life goes on, suffering or not, it goes on. Everything comes to Pass!!


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 Post subject: OMG!
PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 12:21 pm 
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I'm so freaked out and worried for you after reading all that!!! You absolutely just have to just hang on right now for the people that love you and you love, even if at this particular time you feel little to no love and hope for yourself. I know you can get to a much better place where you will WANT to live for yourself, but I also can understand why that's nearly impossible for you to imagine at this point. So, it sounds like you have a child that you love more than anything. You HAVE to live for her. There is no other option!!!

Are you going to induct? You have a substantial supply of Sub, right? A absolutely agree with what the other posters said about a high dose (eventually) being your best option. You need to give yourself a big break from these cravings that are ambushing you and a tall wall against the ability to get high from other drugs. I agree completely with telling a doctor the absolute truth about your relapses and reminding the doc that it's part of addiction and you need to feel faith in him/her that you will not just be abandoned if you slip up! That's not what a doctor should do, for goodness sake! If addiction doctors drop their patients for relapses, well, they are in the wrong field, IMO!!! What are your plans from here on out? Obviously, you are in w/d now and as you said, cold turkey is not going to work for you. You already know that. Geez, I'm really worried about you, man. But this is not how it has to be. I promise, promise, promise!! I've been in that dark hole too!! I know what it feels like. I wanted to die too when I couldn't stop my DOC and had detoxed so many times only to go back. I had to hang on for my kids, but sheesh, now I am SO HAPPY I DID!!! You can have much better and you deserve it too! Don't beat yourself up and turn on yourself. This doesn't make you a bad person; and beating yourself up is a great way to undermine yourself. Make the decision to give yourself a shot at being all the wonderful things you've said you want to be!! You would not be on here if you didn't have a little but powerful fire of faith and hope burning inside your heart.

God Bless you!!!
laddertipper

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First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 2:12 pm 
Whats up!! Man dude, i am seriously saying you may want to think about methadone just to get yourself to a better place and off these street drugs. You wouldnt even have to wait until your in withdrawal. I think thats whats messin you up is having to wait for the right amount of withdrawal to kick in. I would really give it some thought. Its a much better option than active addiction. You gotta beat this for your daughter man!! YOU CAN DO THIS!! Keep updating if you can!!


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 Post subject: ?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 2:20 pm 
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IDK where to go from here, tears run down my face and drop as broken dreams once lived, it takes and takes and takes until finally there is nothing left to take, hope, faith, willingness and determination all fall to it's wrath. Idk where to go from here, tears run down my face and drop as broken dreams once lived again and again and again. I am a Man, a strong man, a provider, a brother, a son, a buisnessman, a father, and a drug addict. I 've been hooked since i was a teenager stemming from an injury and never say never when you where an addicts sweater. Heroin is what haunts my dreams now, i dream of nothing else, or at least remember nothing else. I wonder all the time how i got here??? How the FUCK did i get here? Me? I was so different then everyone else and the same rules didnt apply to me of coarse.....I look back and wow! so ignorent and if your reading this and think ur different u moght wanna take a really big look at what makes u different, and it better not just be the fact u never stuck a needle in ur arm cause thats just a valid yet for any addict, all bets are off when u cross that imaginary line. My plan from here is to first stay away from Wd. unless its to induce, second would be to get honest with myself and except i need help. I can only hope with all my heart my Dr has mercy on me and gives herself a chance to look at things through the addicts eyes, instead of her own, we r the ones they r trying to help right? Methadone scares the shit out of me, just like this situation, what if i were on the clinic right now, and i would be losing my healthcare as of febuary, I can't imagine the panic i would be in!!! There is a big difference between the two in my eyes and that would be my very last resort, i agree it's better than doin H every day, guess it depends where u r in ur disease. I would agree I am at a chronic stage and at doing over a gram in one shot when i do use, i risk overdose every time i get right i suppose, but we don't think of that during our run. I have cleared up alot just jumping to the oxycodone, and its kind of really hard to maintain comfortably on it, but what is my alternative right now? I think i may give it another day on the oxy, that would give my body 72 hrs without any H, which would give me a better and easier chance of getting back on my suboxone i would guess...I can feel the shit coming out of my body even on the oxy, its crazy... Its not like Ive made any huge progress i suppose, im still banging the damn pills, 15mg oxycodone and im sure its no better for me than all the cut in the H, but at least im not risking O.D. which has become a real threat the past month or so, Its been my lowest yet. I don't know where to go from here, tears run down my face and drop as broken dreams once lived, why the fuck can't i live them again?


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 3:38 pm 
Man, im sure many may disagree with what im about to say but they will just have to disagree. This is about saving you right now. If oxycodone isnt even keeping you from withdrawal then i truly believe the only way you will become comfortable physically and mentally is with methadone. Methadone is much stronger than sub. I dont see sub keeping you from going back to using. The habit your describing seems pretty hardcore and methadone in my opinion is for a hardcore habit. I would seriously consider it. I hope things work out for you man!! Keep posting!!


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 4:12 pm 
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That makes a lot of sense, lifesaver and I don't know why anyone would disagree with anything you said. It IS all about saving his life at this point.

I'm not at all educated about methadone. I know it's stronger, but I've also heard that people avoid it sometimes simply because of the hassle of having to go everyday. (Obviously, this is a small price to pay to save someone's life). However, can people get a script for Methadone so they don't have to go somewhere everyday to wait for their dose? My MIL gets a script for a full month at a time, but that's for pain.

laddertipper

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 6:47 pm 
laddertipper:

Legally you can only get methadone from a regular doctor for pain. Definitely not addiction. You can only get methadone for addiction legally from a clinic. Basically just said that twice but oh well lol. It would be much more convenient if you could get it from a doctor. I dont really understand why you can get sub through a doctor but not methadone(for addiction that is).


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