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PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 4:22 am 
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Something that came up in a PM to another member got me thinking about all the crappy jobs I have had in my life, so I thought I would share:

Burger King - This was my very first "official" job, and needless to say, it was crap. The highlights of this job included burning my fingers in the fry-o-lator trying to retrieve an errant chicken tender, smoking weed in the walk-in cooler with my manager, and slamming a customer's hand in my cash register drawer after he grew frustrated with his failure to fast-change me and decided to just reach right in and take what he wanted. Also, having a Whopper hurled at me through the drive-thru window by a drunk drag-queen who Really Didn't Like Pickles.

Large Independent Bookstore - Definitely a step up from BK as I love books and am addicted to reading, but still a crap job. The store was located in an uber-wealthy area of South Florida and rich, out-of-touch retirees frequently berated me for slacking on my Oprah-watching duties and therefore not being able to locate the book they were looking for: You know the one, it was on Oprah today...I don't know the title or the author, it had an orange cover...what are you STUPID??

Telephone Psychic - Remember Dionne Warwick's Psychic Friends Network? That was me. I am a great shit-talker and I truly excelled at this job, which consisted of fielding calls from young women who wanted to know if their baby-daddy would come back to them after they got out of jail and could I tell if they were pregnant while I was at it? After six months or so I became freaked out and quit because my readings were becoming eerily accurate and callers were starting to ask for me by name. There are some unexplainable forces in this world that even I don't want to mess with.

Phone Sex Operator - Being that I have an unusually deep voice for a woman, men who were calling to speak to a transvestite were often routed to me. This was a 976-SEXX line, so we had to comply with some strange FCC regulations about decency (on a 1-900-SEXX line you can say whatever you want). This led to hilariously convoluted scenarios in which I would huskily tell my caller to: Imagine that we're in a boat in the middle of a beautiful lake...now grab ahold of that hard, wooden oar and stroke, stroke, stroke us all the way to the shore, baby. Yes, people actually PAID for this.

Assistant Editor at a Guns/Ammo/Hunting Magazine - This job had two major duties. The first was to type up and format articles submitted by our "writers" and edit them to make them ready for publication. These were almost always given to me handwritten on lined notebook paper, frequently in pencil, almost always nearly unreadable. I spent my days rewriting stories about bear-hunts gone wrong or how deeply different bullets could penetrate a frozen ham when fired from various distances. The second major duty was to make sure our boss didn't relapse on heroin, or if he did to make sure his dad didn't find out. The magazine company was given to our boss by his father as an incentive to keep him sober and if he was caught getting high, we'd all be out of a job. I spent more hours than I'd care to recount crouched down, trying to talk my boss into putting down the Vodka bottle and coming out from hiding underneath his desk. We tried our best to hold him together, but ultimately his dad shut the business down.

Customer Service at a Major Cable Company - Man, people really freak the fuck out when their cable is out. That's all I can say about that.

Ok, there are definitely more but I'll stop here for now. I'm glad to say that today I have a job that I really love and I'm slowly but surely working my way through school so that eventually I will have an actual career.

So how about all of you? I know some of you have some good stories of your own.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 8:29 am 
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I think you have the most interesting, colorful resume I've ever heard of. You have some seriously unique talents. How cool that you found a way to generate income with it.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 11:31 am 
All i can say is, this is freakin hilarious!! I have had so many jobs that i cant hardly remember them all. I definitely dont remember them in detail as you do Diary. Most of my jobs i always walked off of because i was high an stupid or i got pissed off at somebody their an just couldnt work with the person. I've been fired before also. Mostly because their were times when i would just up an leave to go get drugs an then come back either tryin to sneak back in so that nobody knew or they would know and i would say it was a family emergency. They would usually cut me a break, the first 5 times but they eventually caught on and i was fired. Now that i've straightend my life up, im forced to work out of town because of my work history along with my reputation. It works out better that way because it helped to meet new people once i stopped drugs. Diary, your story still has me laughing!! This is funny!! You definitely have had a very differnt variety of jobs. lol


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 12:19 pm 
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Holy Shit DOAQ, you set the 'funny' bar so dang high I can't hardly compete.

First job: Crappy little Marina--Moose's Boats and Baits---all the rental boats (more like dinghy's) ALL had water leaks...some were Titanic scale leaks, anyway the boss insisted they all be rented, which was fine and dandy, but I'm the poor guy who got the ass scarring when these hapless 'fishermen' managed to drag the thing back to the dock after a day of fishing. Obviously, we had several of the obligatory drunken idiots climbing out of the boat and back onto the dock who didn't quite make it to the dock...SPLASH...we were usually guaranteed 1 or 2 of those a season. High in entertainment value there I must say!

Summer Job---Tearing down Greenhouses in Michigan---actually, we were supposed to dis-mantle them and save as much glass, wood and piping as possible. The wood and piping came out relatively unscathed, but most of the glass met an untimely death. AND, I'm whiter than white...light skinned, sun burn easily. It turns out working on top of the greenhouses, removing the glass pieces one by one, in the middle of the day is the best way yet I have found to get a major total body sun burn(except for the privates, of course...I wasn't up there naked). Coppertone just doesn't make enough sun tan oil in a year that would help my white ass.

Haller Mechanical---I was a gopher, garbage picker upper and the head pee-on. Because of the way I was treated, I spent most of my time out in the work yard hiding and getting the fork trucks stuck in the mud. I was asked to leave rather quickly, but not before I hit on the boss's daughter...even got her phone number and a date. Hey, Mr. Haller...guess what me and your daughter did, yep...who's laughing now!

Sickeningly enough, I've been at my current job since I was 19. It's actually a really good job, can't complain. I dare not go into the gory details for fear of being found out.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 19, 2010 2:20 pm 
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I have had some crummy job experiences. I can't think of them all but this was one I was discussing the other day:

Written up for being late on 9-11-2001. Yes, I came in late on 9-11 and I was actually written up for it!

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:05 am 
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Jamez - You win! Ugh, that's awful. I remember going into work on 9/11 - everyone was just wandering around in a daze looking shellshocked. It was awful, no work was getting done, so I went home.

Hat - After I read your comment I had a pleasant daydream about actually using this list as my resume. Maybe it would work! At least it would stand out, right?

lifesaver - Oh, the things we think we can get away with in active addiction...it can be humbling to look back on those days. I always thought I was good at hiding my shit...I used to do quite a bit of coke many years ago...but I'm sure my managers had their suspicions about my "allergies." Ugh. I'm so glad to hear that you were able to find work and new friends, even if you had to go out of town to do so.

Romeo - Do I ever love being told that I'm funny! Yes, it's the key to my heart for sure. I laughed out loud at your post & truly appreciated your stories...even if the image of you getting burnt to a crisp on top of a greenhouse in your speedo is now burned into my imagination forever :P

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 Post subject: about 9/11
PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:28 am 
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You guys just reminded me about 9/11.

I worked in Manhattan, New York. About 32 blocks from the World Trade Center.

How horrible that with the chaos I was thinking of how to get home to my pills & my booze. They had closed all the bridges & tunnels & I had a good hour and a half ride from work to home. All I could think about was not wanting to spend the night at my job. I would be sick in the morning. Oh what horrible memories.

Another reason to stay off these devil pills. Such a terrible day and here I was craving and panicking. Not because my country as I knew it was crumbling before my eyes, oh no, because I needed my pills.

Just sharing. Queenie


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 11:54 am 
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DOAQ said, "even if the image of you getting burnt to a crisp on top of a greenhouse in your speedo is now burned into my imagination forever."

Yeah, and you thought your therapy sessions with your counselor were just about coming to an end, now that I've loaded you up with the speedo image you'll be in intensive therapy for the rest of your life! :D


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 Post subject: O.....M......G!!
PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 3:22 pm 
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I'm gonna pee my pants. I cannot compete with that at all!!

Community service organization helping the homeless. One of my major assignments was raising money for these super-size shoes for a super-size homeless guy who was always barefoot. I did it. I raised the money and ordered the shoes. Those shoes were like size 25 and XXXXXX wide. This guy was at least 500 lbs. I gave him the shoes and he was the happiest dude ever! Made my heart fly. Then, the next week I saw him again and....no shoes!!! :cry: I asked him about it and he said someone stole them...right off his feet. (Now, who would steal shoes like that?) I cried, cause I was, like 15 years old.

GNC: Ugh. Being hit on by dudes who came in who were on steroids and buying weight gainer. And being yelled at mercilessly by overweight women who faulted me when the diet pills didn't make them skinny in, like, two weeks. One of my regulars was Hulk Hogan, except I didn't know who he was. I asked him, "Aren't you Chuck Norris or something?" His wife started cracking up and he answered, "Yeah, that's me." Then, I found out who he really was and felt sooooo stupid. I remember putting the change in his hand and he could barely handle stuff that small because his hands were so big. He lived by my mom and whenever I saw him, he yelled "Chuck Norris! Hahahaha!"

Upscale shoe store: upscale makes no difference. I do not like feet at all. People need to take better care of their feet!!!! One of my main duties was guiding the old ladies to the buinion shoes, and then trying them on them. Then, I'd take the bunion stretcher and stretch, stretch, stretch those shoes, try them back on to see if they'd go over the bunions. Then, stretch, stretch, stretch again. Icky!! But the paid was GREAT!!! 35% commission.

Adult video company: we did not shoot movies; we only distributed them. I was the data entry/receptionist chick and did the Quick Books. My boyfriend back then owned it and we went to the films release parties. Pretty.....what's the word.....SHOCKING to me, as I was only 17. Very 'interesting' people in that industry :wink:

MOM: Holy cow. The job description is endless. Chauffeur, vacuuming cat hair, cleaning out old forgotten lunches and snacks, cooking vegetables that will be ignored, wiping up hairballs, long-division expert, procurer of fine household cleaning supplies, finance manager, bank account depleter, pacifier to bank account replenisher, hand sanitizer provider, band-aid and anti-biotic ointment supervisor/administrator, vertically challenged ironing supervisor, finder of lost socks, loser of lost socks, shoe organizer, master chef, life coach, cheerleader, folder of underwear, reader of ingredient lists, mischief evaluator, homework police, spider trapper, monster eradicator, hair stylist, referee, delegator of chores, receiver and processor of all complaints, receiver and enjoyer of hugs and kisses, nose wiper, butt wiper :shock: pack mule

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 4:06 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
DOAQ said, "even if the image of you getting burnt to a crisp on top of a greenhouse in your speedo is now burned into my imagination forever."

Yeah, and you thought your therapy sessions with your counselor were just about coming to an end, now that I've loaded you up with the speedo image you'll be in intensive therapy for the rest of your life! :D


Well, thank you for that, since I was certainly getting bored sitting around my therapist's office talking about how perfect and awesome I am. :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: O.....M......G!!
PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 4:13 pm 
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Laddertipper - your resume rivals mine for colorfully strange and marginal employment - and you have celebrity interaction too! Sweet - Chuck Norris! And I'm laughing trying to picture Hulk Hogan grasping a dime in his giant paw. My husband and I were looking at these pictures of extreme body builders online one day (don't ask) and my mind was truly boggled...how dow they wipe their bum? :shock:

I also thought about adding MOM to my list...but as I thought about it I realized that motherhood is more of a hobby than a job...since we don't get paid...though I really think we should. :lol: It's hard work though, isn't it. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I signed up for this.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 20, 2010 8:32 pm 
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This is the funniest freaking thread in the history of mankind. I read it a couple times a day and still laugh so hard my eyes water.

DOAQ---you are a rare and precious gem...not to mention insanely hilarious. Your comebacks are priceless.

laddertipper---words can not properly convey the pure hilarity I got when I read that post. I'm printing out the MOM part for my wife. I'm going to wait until she gets a big drink of Coke in her mouth and see what happens.

Come on folks, there have got to be more of you out there with good crappy job stories, quit holding out on us!


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:43 pm 
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I’m sorry but I have to laugh at the sex operator part knowing you are woman having to act as a transvestite how odd that must have been to hear all the weird shit those guys said too you. I don’t know how you didn’t just laugh your ass off after hearing that stuff lol.

Well let’s see ive had a few jobs but none that compare to half the stuff you guys and gals did. But I got fired from every job I ever had cause well let’s just say selling drugs out the back door to your co workers/ managers and friends isn’t prolly the smartest idea if you want to keep a job. So ill just say it was the same thing I got fired for at every job. Coming into late and high


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 11, 2011 11:53 pm 
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oh ive got a long list..............

riding instructor (i ride professionally- or did up until a year ago)

handicapped sailing instructor (teaching racing sailboats to persons with disabilities) i raced one design boats when i was younger

loss prevention officer - for a fortune 500 company - sucked

stripper - 5 years

phone sex operator -1 year)

oh yeah - business to business sales bulk sales manager for large internet book site - i did purchasing and everything - all while on lots of pills

pretty much every job above i did high..............................


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 10:24 am 
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I thought it was time I bumped this thread. For any new members who haven't read these stories, give them a read, there is some funny, funny stuff in here.

Please share your stories as well, we would love to hear them.

BTW, what is it with all the phone sex operators on here? HAHAHA lol


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 2:27 pm 
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I can't believe it, two phone sex operators on the same thread? What are the chances? That and the psychic reading sound like a lot of fun (I'm envious).
My "worst" job was mucking 20 horse stalls every morning. But now that I look back it was probably my best job. So peaceful early in the morning, surrounded by only the animals, and a free daily work-out.

As far as the Mom thing goes, I think we should ask starry eyed girls anxious to have a baby if they want a job being short order cook and chief nose wiper, but wiper and pack mule - because that's 90% of the job!


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 9:17 pm 
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^^ i did the horse stall thing for a long time as well as a trade for horse board during college. it was a really good workout!! and i actually enjoyed it as well, i would much rather smell horse poo then any other poo.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 10:56 pm 
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Lillyval and Bitzy21,

Wow, you two really did have CRAPPY jobs. HAHA

Yeah, as strange as it sounds, I too would rather smell horse poo than any other poo. Almost sounds like the beginng of a Dr. Suess rhyme!

Thanks for sharing!


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 11:41 pm 
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Here's one I forgot:

7-11 clerk: Ok, I should have known this was going to be bad when during the interview the regional manager asked me: Is there any kind of work that you feel that you are "too good" to do? For example, would you be against people seeing you mopping the store? Um...WTF? I said that of course, I do not feel that I am above mopping. Little did I know that being "too good" for pretty much any and all work was the general attitude of basically every other 7-11 employee.

So this was the 7-11 on Ft. Lauderdale beach and it was crazy busy. This was back before 7-11 had the laser scanner things and we were supposed to MEMORIZE the prices of every freaking thing in the store. They didn't even put price tags on half of it, we were just supposed to KNOW. On my first day, I had like 20 minutes of training and then they threw me up on the register for the morning rush. Of course, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, the line is long and people are getting pissed. Florida is full of hateful people anyway, and god forbid you inconvenience them in any way. People were all up in my face like WHAT ARE YOU A MORON OR SOMETHING and just saying other nasty crap. My "manager" was in the back room doing who knows what...so I just started charging a dollar for everything. Ha ha.

The job itself was hell, and the cherry on top was the fact that I had to ride my bike through the ghetto to and from work everyday. There was a middle school that I had to ride past and in the afternoon the "kids" would be outside and they would shout "YO WHITE BITCH" at me and throw rocks at me as I went by. Needless to say, this couldn't last. I lucked out when my grandpa bought a new car, gave me his old one and I went on to another crappy job as a receptionist for a Roto Rooter business. I'll write a post about that joyous experience later.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 6:05 pm 
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About time to bump this thread with another crappy job I just remembered.

When I was 18 or so, I had just started working for this company, mostly on weekends doing clean up on the shop floor. Well, every other week or so, the owner would grab 2 or 3 of us and have us go to his house and do odd jobs around his house. One of those odd jobs including climbing into this guys attic and adding insulation. None of us were dressed to do that, but he didn't give a crap. Needless to say, we were all the itchiest SOB's ever when we finally got done with that one.

Another weekend, he decided to have us knuckleheads paint his inground pool. It was a cement pool. We climb in there and we're supposed to clean the pool real good before we get to painting. Well, unbeknownst to us he had bought jug after jug of muriatic acid for us to use to clean the pool. We stupid kids had no idea what muriatic acid was, so we start pouring the stuff all over the inside of the pool and start scrubbin' our little asses off. It took all of 3 minutes before we were gagging, half delirious and near the point of brain damage....what does the owner do, he grabs some of those cotton face masks and throws them down to us and says to use them....WTF....I was only 18 years old and I knew those stupid frickin' masks weren't going to do a damn thing for us!! Thankfully, he left soon afterwards and we dumped all the freakin' muriatic acid down his toilet and proceeded to paint the pool a beautiful shade of blue.

This is where Karma comes into the picture. The 3 of us who regularly got dragged to this clown's house were all there this day, it was winter time and his wife had us hanging their Christmas lights. The owner drives up in his big Lincoln Town car with his two stupid dogs, chico and pepito (I have no earthly idea why I remember those little ankle biters names?). Anyway, there is ice all over the driveway and he steps out of his car.....I guess I should tell you about now that this dude was like 6'3" and had to be 350lbs.....he has one dog in each arm and he proceeds to walk up the driveway and all of a sudden he goes flying!! I mean it was just like you would see on a cartoon, his feet went up in the air....for just a split second....all 350lbs of this man were in the air....his face....his face was priceless!! He had this look of shock, horror, helplessness and stupid all over his face....it was a beautiful sight!! Then BOOM, he hits the ground and lets out this painful groan and the dogs go flying. Me and my friends have hidden behind one of his evergreen trees at this point and we are laughing and giggling so hard that the tree is shaking. Well, this pissed Mr. Bossman off even more and he let loose a tapestry of profanity the likes of which my virgin ears (haha) had never heard!! Ah, Karma, gotta love it!!

PS---if this is your first time ever reading this thread, you owe it to yourself to go to the very beginning of this thread and start reading there.

Oh Yeah!! I would encourage you to post your funny work stories here too!! The more the merrier!!

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