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 Post subject: Countdown and questions!
PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2012 5:29 pm 
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Hey guys! Hope everyone is doing well. I'm less than 2 weeks away now from my induction appointment. I swear it feels like I've been waiting a lifetime for this appointment. It has been close to two months but seems much, much longer. The doctor I'm going to see is the only one in my area that accepts any kind of insurance; most are self pay so that's why I've been waiting so long. So anyway, since I made the appt way back when, or more specifically over the last few weeks I've cut down quite a bit on my use without consciously trying to. I'm still taking way too much but a couple of things I've noticed is that I'm not thinking (more like obsessing) about pills quite as much nor am I taking as much as I normally do and have over the last few years. All this just occurred to me today so I'm wondering if subconsciously without being aware of it my brain is gearing up for this this transition. Anyone have any thoughts on this? I know an addicted brain works differently than a non-addicted brain so I'm just curious if anyone else experienced this leading up to their induction or might have any theories on what's going on. Part of me is also thinking maybe this is all to make me realize that I could beat this thing w/out Suboxone??? But then there's this other thought I had that is maybe my brain/psyche/whatever doesn't want me to stop gulping pills so it's trying to trick me into believing I don't need Suboxone knowing that if I don't go on it I will continue abusing pills. Urggghh! One of my problems is that I think entirely too much and tend to over analyze everything, oftentimes to my detriment. I just re-read this and realize it probably doesn't make a lick of sense. I'm not sure if it even makes sense to me. :roll: So does anyone understand what I'm getting at? Thanks in advance. :) ~Lisa


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PostPosted: Fri May 11, 2012 9:14 pm 
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Hi Lisa! I congratulate you for taking this step toward a new start in your life. I'm sorry that I can't speak to your experience of being less obsessive about your pill use leading up to induction. I didn't feel any lessening of cravings and obsessive thoughts until I started suboxone. The change was swift and dramatic! I would go through with the induction in your case, although it may seem like you're kicking the addiction on your own. If it were that easy you would have done it by now. I'm not sure, but your addiction may be trying to convince you that you don't need the sub.

Amy

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PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 1:24 am 
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Hi Lisa, welcome.

I think your probably just dealing with a little anxiety. thats what it sounds like to me anyway, but who knows, I could be way off.
but like you said, you "overthink/analyze everything so much.
So, since you've had the appointment scheduled for SO LONG, your probably just feeling anxious, even if you dont realize it.

Id go ahead and keep your appointment no matter what. if you do change your mind, you still can, but if you back outta your appointment, and THEN you change your mind agian, well you'll be WAITING MORE.

So, feel free to post any questions you have, there's lotsa help here.

I dont know any of your history, but making a postive change is the best thing you can do for yourself, and theres an old saying that goes
Today is the first day to the rest of your life

what are you going to do with it???

I hope your doing/feeling okay, hang in there, your appointment day will be here in no time :) :) :)

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PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 1:52 am 
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Thanks for the input and words of encouragement, ladies. I think it probably is anxiety or my mind just playing tricks on me. Who knows. I'm definitely keeping the appointment. I have proven to myself after so many failed attempts that cold turkey is just really not much of an option for me at me at this time due to some things that are beyond my control. I posted more about my history with all this mess in the "sub in the rearview mirror" section because i wanted to get opinions from people who have had success with sub treatment and have been able to get off of it ok, because i was reading some pretty wicked horror stories about the withdrawals, PAWS, etc. Having struggled with pretty severe depression and anxiety most of my adult life it's the PAWS that scares me the most and the severe, almost crippling anxiety that has caused me to relapse every time I've tried to quit before. Such a mess I've gotten myself into but I really believe that this route is going to assist me in being able to get my shit together enough to start working on getting my life back. I like to think of recovery as recovering my life and the person I was before I became a slave to pain pills. I'm so tired of this life & I'm definitely ready to give it a go.


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PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 10:36 am 
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I think the fact that you're thinking about all this tells me that you're ready to work on your recovery...that you're ready to delve into your life and figure things out and start improving yourself and your life. That's what your post tells me about you.

Remember that it's also completely normal to be nervous about this transition. Our pills were like our security blanket and it takes guts to give that up. We ALL know what that's like and have been through it. We're here for you to help you through this transition as much as we are able.

Post as much as you need to between now and your appt. That's what it's here for. Keep up the good work. :)

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 Post subject: Thank you
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 3:06 pm 
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Thanks, Hat. You are right, I am ready! I'm preparing myself consciously and I think subconsciously, too for for this transition. The old cliche sick and tired of being sick and tired pretty much sums it up. I hope I can get to the point where I can forgive myself & stop beating myself up for the things my addiction has made me do and the person it has made me become. I'm so ready to shuck all this guilt and shame that has, in my opinion, caused me to continue using so I can numb those emotions because it's so painful. It really is a "sick cycle carousel" isn't it? As I read through so many of these posts I constantly find myself saying, "wow, I could have written that, that is me, that's my story, I feel exactly the same way, etc" and that is so comforting to know that I'm not alone & that others of you know and understand where I am! Even more comforting is to read how so many of you have been so successful in recovery and not just getting back your old self but a much better and improved version. I'm a firm believer in another cliche that "that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger". I'm so done with wasting precious time! I have suffered so much grief and loss in my life I am fully aware of how precious & fleeting life can be. My spirit has probably suffered the most from my addiction and that I think is going to be where, for me, I need to do the hardest work during my recovery. I am a very spiritual person and I miss that aspect of myself more than anything else and that hurts so, so bad. I was thinking about all this yesterday on my drive he from work and this song came on Pandora and I just had to pull over on the side of the road and listen to it a couple more times and have myself a good cry. But it helped show me that the deepest part of myself, my soul/spirit/source, whatever you want to call it, is still there and is fighting for me. :) Here's a link to it: http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri= ... 4tcRlHY-3Q.

Again I just want to thank all you guys for everything. Finding this site has really been a huge blessing for me and I feel like will continue to be a big source of support and inspiration for me as I enter this next chapter of my life.


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PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 4:15 pm 
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I remember doing exactly the opposite. I was taking more and more pills during the weeks leading up to my induction appointment because I knew I wouldn't be able to take them anymore, and I was afraid I would miss them. I was very surprised at how subs allowed me to carry on with my life and not obsess over everything related to pills anymore.

I only cut my usage down the last few days before my induction. And I had a millions things running through my head that week too. I almost drove myself crazy(er). :wink:

It helped a lot to be able to get answers here to all of my questions, so just post away, even if it seems like a silly question. There's probably someone here who's had the same thought at one time or another!


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 Post subject: Youtube link
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 9:07 pm 
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Hi Lisa,

I tried following the youtube link, but it didn't take me to an actual song. Could you clarify the song you're talking about by title and singer? Music really connects me with the spiritual as well.

Amy

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 Post subject: For Amy
PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2012 11:56 pm 
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Hey Amy-don't know what happened with the YouTube link but if you go to YT and search for Colin Hay "Waiting For My Real Life To Begin", that's the song. He's the guy that sang for Men at Work if you remember them. I love music and it seems I'm all the time hearing a song that is so fitting to whatever I'm dealing with at the time. That's what happened with this song yesterday and a couple of weeks ago it happened with the song "Nemesis" by David Gray. Even though I've listened to that song many times before on that particular day I heard it in the context of the pills speaking to me and the chorous being my words. Pretty cool when that happens and a song speaks to you in that way.


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PostPosted: Sun May 13, 2012 12:27 am 
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Lisa,
i tried cutting down for two months before i ended up going into inpatient and getting put on subutex,,,i found that i was able to go a week without taking pills and then i would just not be able to do it, sometimes i would only take a very small amount after trying to go as long as i could without them, but over that two month period i was very depressed and lethargic and not happy at all,,,,even though i was going to counseling, if you haven't stopped and you feel like you cannot stop taking opiates without your life being less than you want it to be that i would suggest that you try the suboxone medication, if you dont want to take as much as you are prescribed than i think that is a better option than not trying it at all, i cannot express how much subutex changed my life for the better! i cannot express how much happier i am for so many reasons--not knowing where i am going to get my next opiates or what i may have to do to get them being chief among them. Good Luck!,
Aaron


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PostPosted: Tue May 15, 2012 6:09 am 
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Hey Aaron! Thanks for commenting and for your words of encouragement. I, like you, have tried unsuccessfully to quit several times and the part that always drove me to pick the pills up again was the horrible depression and anxiety that was so bad it felt like I was having a heart attack. The physical stuff, while miserable, is a cake walk next to the lingering mental part. I've beat myself up too long telling myself I'm weak for not being able to kick it so I finally made the decision to give suboxone a try. You know that saying, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over & expecting a different result? Well that's me. I'm so ready to put this part of my life behind me and start anew. Stories like yours are such an inspiration to me & I'm so grateful I found this forum. Keep on keeping on...you're doing great! :)


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