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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 6:21 am 
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I really need to vent here.

As it is recovery is so difficult and then having other problems makes it so hard to cope.

AmI feeling depressed, moody & sad because of Subs and addiction problems or do I feel that way because of everyday pressures. Things like money, taking care of a learning disabled daughter, dealing with bills, my amputation, etc.

These things would normally depress anybody.

It is evident that I can't blame my depressed sad mood on Subs.

Queenie


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 9:38 am 
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I think it's smart not to blame it on subs. Everyday life can and does contribute to a depressed mood, as does the stress that goes along with it. Or it could be clinical depression that can be treated with medication. You've mentioned being depressed before and have previously said that you would talk to your doctor about getting on an antidepressant. Have you done this yet? Maybe it's time to bring it up the next time you see your doctor. Good luck and feel better.

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 10:27 am 
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You answered your own question when you stated "It is evident that I can't blame my depressed sad mood on Subs." That's a step in the right direction. I, like hat, think the next step would be to speak with your doctor.

Depression is a TREATABLE illness, only your doctor can diagnose this properly though.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 12:12 pm 
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I have the same depression problems like that. In my case it's not the subs it is everyday life that is very hard for me to deal with. I have had depression issues since I was around 12. I have been put on Prozac and cymbalta but they were not a real help. I am new to treatment and I will be addressing the other issues with my councelor. One thinkg I not depressed about is I no longer use illicit opiods. That's always good

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 4:47 pm 
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I know what you feel. some days im so down and want to blame it on addiction and the suboxone but at the end of the day i had these problems b4 addiction and will always have these problems. But i have found Porzac has saved my life in so many ways along with proper 1 on 1 seesions with my dr. And the meds help a great deal but talking with my dr is what really does it for me. just to talk to someone who understands what im going threw is the greatest thing when im really down. and im still down most days. I was a great Baseball Pitcher for many years was talking to college coaches my freshmen year in high school which is illeagal but my point is i had a great gift that god gave me and when i lost that do to my injury i lost my life. and then when it came time to rehab it and get back out there i choose the painkillers instead and would just get as numb as i can b4 i pitched and year after year got worst and worst till i got kicked off a D3 college team but when i was 13 years old i was talking with the some the top schools in the country. And i have to deal with this everyday day knowing i let my dad down my coaches down my personal trainners everyone. It got the the point were just seeing my old baseball stuff i would cry. but what really had me down was knowing i let my dad down. he put so much time and money into baseball for me and i gave it all up for oxyxontin. at the end i was in so much pain trying to throw the ball i was basiclly playing for my dad and not myself.


My point being we all have very bad memorys we all have things in our everyday life that upset us but there are things out there and people that can help you. all you got to do is ask for it and you already made the first step by saying you have these issues and now its time to solve them. whether it be meds or 1 on 1 sessions you will fell so much better if you talk to a proffesional about these issues.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 6:29 pm 
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bboy,

That's a gut wrenching story. To have talent like that and then suffer an injury that eventually leads to you having to give up on your dream is a terrible thing to have to live with. I understand how you feel that you let your dad down and your coaches, but do you think if they could take a peek inside your mind that they would be happy that you are carrying around all this guilt on their behalf...I have to believe they would say they forgive you and encourage you to move past it. Then you have to find a way to forgive yourself...that might be the hardest part.

I know if I had a son who did the things you did and was in the pain you're in I would tell him to let it all go and not to waste one more second of his life worrying about how he thinks he disaapointed me. Carrying around guilt is a mind crushing horror. I encourage you to find a way to receive forgiveness.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 11:25 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
bboy,

That's a gut wrenching story. To have talent like that and then suffer an injury that eventually leads to you having to give up on your dream is a terrible thing to have to live with. I understand how you feel that you let your dad down and your coaches, but do you think if they could take a peek inside your mind that they would be happy that you are carrying around all this guilt on their behalf...I have to believe they would say they forgive you and encourage you to move past it. Then you have to find a way to forgive yourself...that might be the hardest part.

I know if I had a son who did the things you did and was in the pain you're in I would tell him to let it all go and not to waste one more second of his life worrying about how he thinks he disaapointed me. Carrying around guilt is a mind crushing horror. I encourage you to find a way to receive forgiveness.


Thankyou so much for the kind words romeo! well this is something i talk with my dr in our 1 on 1s and i have def let alot of this pain go but the one i cant get over is my my dad. He has talked with my dr about this cause i gave him permission to do so and my dad has told me many times to move on its in the past. But its so hard cause we love to watch my little cousins play and just seeing my dad watching from the stands brings me to tears everytime im crying now as i write this. no matter all the meds i take no matter all the one on ones with my dr i cant get over the fact that i gave up my dream for oxycontin but what makes it so hard cause it was my dad dream to see me do well in basebal. and like i said at the end of baseball i was in so much pain but i was playing for him and not myself anymore. and thats when i let this problem get out of control and now im trying to solve it dayily.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:54 am 
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Bboy42287 wrote:
Romeo wrote:
bboy,

That's a gut wrenching story. To have talent like that and then suffer an injury that eventually leads to you having to give up on your dream is a terrible thing to have to live with. I understand how you feel that you let your dad down and your coaches, but do you think if they could take a peek inside your mind that they would be happy that you are carrying around all this guilt on their behalf...I have to believe they would say they forgive you and encourage you to move past it. Then you have to find a way to forgive yourself...that might be the hardest part.

I know if I had a son who did the things you did and was in the pain you're in I would tell him to let it all go and not to waste one more second of his life worrying about how he thinks he disaapointed me. Carrying around guilt is a mind crushing horror. I encourage you to find a way to receive forgiveness.


Thankyou so much for the kind words romeo! well this is something i talk with my dr in our 1 on 1s and i have def let alot of this pain go but the one i cant get over is my my dad. He has talked with my dr about this cause i gave him permission to do so and my dad has told me many times to move on its in the past. But its so hard cause we love to watch my little cousins play and just seeing my dad watching from the stands brings me to tears everytime im crying now as i write this. no matter all the meds i take no matter all the one on ones with my dr i cant get over the fact that i gave up my dream for oxycontin but what makes it so hard cause it was my dad dream to see me do well in basebal. and like i said at the end of baseball i was in so much pain but i was playing for him and not myself anymore. and thats when i let this problem get out of control and now im trying to solve it dayily.


Both of you know you did not choose to become addicted to drugs. From an injury or predisposition, it's the same disease, and one on one therapy IMHO is the best kind because you can let go. But you must not blame yourself because you got sick. Guilt can destroy us and you have so much to give to others in your position. You didn't give up a dream of oxy's IMHO, you had an injury and oxy's got you, it wasn't a choice. Please try and let go of that guilt, give it to your doctor and give to others what you learned from this terrible disease.

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 10:10 am 
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I have to agree with Darkeyes - you've GOT to let go of that guilt and stop blaming yourself. If diabetes kept you from your dream would you feel guilty or blame yourself? NO, YOU WOULDN'T. What you are essentially doing is living in the past. You have to let go of yesterday and focus on today and tomorrow. The sooner you start living in the present the sooner the guilt, shame, and self-blame will start to subside. Good luck with that. You deserve to be happy.

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-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 1:53 pm 
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Hey bboy - As the great Lily Tomlin once said:

Quote:
“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”


It's ok to forgive yourself, though I know it isn't easy to do.

It's also ok for you to grieve what you lost; in fact, it's only natural. Just know that while you lost a dream, you haven't lost all your dreams.

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 2:39 pm 
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Thanks guys!

Thats my main problem im stuck in the past with the stupid what ifs. what if i never got hurt i could be getting paid to do something i love and make my dad know all that hard work he put in wasnt just a waste of time. or i could of got a 4 year degree from a great school even if i didnt make it into proffesional baseball. And a couple of you said i didnt have a choice to get hurt and end up on oxys but i did have a choice to put them down when it came time to rehab my injury. And like any top athlete i had PT apps setup, strengthing 1 on 1s with my trainer and my dad even took time off to run laps with me. I felt like i was already in the pros with all the shit people had planned out for me to get back on the field. and all i heard is oh you got hurt at the end of the season so lets get you back and ready to start opening day. But when it came down to put the oxy down I MYSELF CHOOSE TO REHAB ON OXY but i wasnt suppost to be takeing any painkillers period till after workouts and a much lower dose then i was on. and i lied threw up my whole rehab i pushed myself so hard that i prolly reinjured my knee twice but i was so numb i didnt fell anything. i told everyone trying to help me one thing and the pain mang. dr that i need more and more. So no i didnt have a choice to get injured and addicted to oxy but i did have a choice to get off them once my rehab was complete.

I guess thats why im so hard on myself


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 7:23 pm 
I think many addicts find life too painfult to deal with in the firs place and that's why we start self-medicating with drugs. Then with the drugs come more problems and more need to self medicate so it's a downward spiral. I know a lot of us on this board are also being treated for depression, which makes sense.
I would definately consider it, queenie. In my experience, antidepressants aren't addictive. So if your doctor thinks they would benefit you, I would try it. Things aren't great for me now, but the AD really does help, and I'm at least able to get up and go about my life without being a total basket case.
Be willing to do whatever it takes to feel as good and healthy as possible. The meds won't make the outside problems go away, but they can make things feel much easier to deal with.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 8:50 pm 
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bBoy,

You said "So no i didnt have a choice to get injured and addicted to oxy but i did have a choice to get off them once my rehab was complete."

From what I'm reading, once your rehab was complete you were already addicted. If this is true then you had no choice because your addicition was already firmly in control.

I'm curious, do believe your lack of will power to put down the oxy's caused the problems or do you believe you were being controlled by an addiciton to oxy's is the reason for the problems?

If you believe it was a lack of will power, you might not understand just how powerful and mind altering an addiction is.

If you believe you were being controlled by an addiction, then try cutting yourself some slack. Addictions make us do incredibly silly/bad things. That's the nature of the beast.

(This is going to sound totally off topic, but do you listen to Alice in Chains or Pearl Jam? If so, google search Mad Season Wake Up and give it a listen. Mad Season lead singer is the late Layne Staley (Alice in Chains) and guitarist Mike McCready(Pearl Jam). Listen to at least the 4 min and 30 sec mark.)


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 10:58 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
bBoy,

You said "So no i didnt have a choice to get injured and addicted to oxy but i did have a choice to get off them once my rehab was complete."

From what I'm reading, once your rehab was complete you were already addicted. If this is true then you had no choice because your addicition was already firmly in control.

I'm curious, do believe your lack of will power to put down the oxy's caused the problems or do you believe you were being controlled by an addiciton to oxy's is the reason for the problems?

If you believe it was a lack of will power, you might not understand just how powerful and mind altering an addiction is.

If you believe you were being controlled by an addiction, then try cutting yourself some slack. Addictions make us do incredibly silly/bad things. That's the nature of the beast.

(This is going to sound totally off topic, but do you listen to Alice in Chains or Pearl Jam? If so, google search Mad Season Wake Up and give it a listen. Mad Season lead singer is the late Layne Staley (Alice in Chains) and guitarist Mike McCready(Pearl Jam). Listen to at least the 4 min and 30 sec mark.)


I guess i would say a little bit of both! I def was controlled by my addiction but at the same time i never dealt with addiction so will power at the time was part of it. now that i look back it was addiction but in that point in time i had no idea why i couldnt just stop.


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