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PostPosted: Sun Jul 06, 2014 11:05 pm 
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Well it probably won't be the most poetic story, but I'll do my best to tell it. I am currently 27 years old I started using opiates when I was 19. I snorted/smoked 80-240mg of oxycontin a day for about 2 years. Once my parents found out they immediately shipped me off to rehab. I got clean for almost a year and joined a sober living house etc...

In the end I relapsed with a girl I had met and had sex with in rehab. Here is where for me the story becomes really soul crushing looking back. I was about 21 now and wavering between suboxone, opiates, and herion.

Then one day I met the girl of my dreams. She was quite literally amazing and changed my life forever. She was the type of girl that made me want to be a better person. I stopped using opiates all together shortly after meeting her and got on the Suboxone program through a doctor. For 4 years we were together and I thought Suboxone was my best friend. Looking back now I wasn't living at all. I was sucking the life out of everyone around me. All i wanted to do was stay in and play video games or watch tv.

Obviously no matter how much someone loves you when you are drug addict and they are not you will eventually push them away. Sure I wasn't using and sure I had made big improvements in my life while on Suboxone, but I was never really clean. I was never really me. I know some will disagree with me on this, but this is honestly how I feel about Suboxone right now.

Fast forward to today this is my 3rd attempt to get off Suboxone. This attempt was not actually by choice, but rather forced upon me by missing my appointment with the doctor before the 4th of July. Luckily I had already tapered down to 2mg a day (I know this is high, but it could be worse). the last couple days have be absolute hell. I was even forced to call and tell my boss that I could not work because of what I was going through. Luckily he has given me until Thursday to work out my issues. If I am still unable to work after that I will most likely lose my job.

I took my last 2mg on wednesday around 4pm. I was on suboxone doses ranging from 8mg-2mg for 5 years. I have not used opiates for the last 4+ years, but have used other drugs such as cocaine,MDMA,weed, and alcohol sparingly.

So far every day feels the same I don't feel like I'm getting better. I have been eating pretty much all salad and gatorade. Whenever I need something i make sure to walk to the store to get some exercise. If anything it always seems to be the insomnia that kills me. Whenever i lay down my skin starts crawling (restless legs and arms).

I know this post probably seems quite erratic, but thats mostly because my head feels completely fuzzy. I have moments of clarity and feel pretty normal, but as soon as I become even remotely idle things turn pretty quickly.

Not even sure what I'm looking for at this point. I just want hope. I don't want to give up. I would be able to go to the doctor tomorrow, but the truth is I know my life will be better without suboxone and I would hate myself for giving up after going through this hell already.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 3:18 am 
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Hi there. Reading your story I'm hoping you can keep things together enough or improve a bit so you can hang onto your job. I know from what I've read on here and other places 2mg is not ideal, but it's not huge(?) Easy to say when it's not yourself doing it...

Welcome to the forum BTW :)


Last edited by Kanzeon on Wed Jul 09, 2014 10:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 4:57 am 
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Hey there TikiStyles! Welcome and thanks for sharing your story! If you want "hope" ready Trainer's thread; She also jumped from 2mgs about 35 days ago "cold turkey", and is doing really really well today.

I am clean 12 days, feeling pretty well and also hopeful!
For some "relief" from withdrawal symptoms at night, what worked best for me was clonidine (blood pressure med. that cuts the "crawls' down considerably), and lots and lot of hot baths.

Hang in there- you WILL heal and get better and better day by day...it does take time and perseverance, but there definitely IS hope!
BF

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 2:25 pm 
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Hey there tiki! There is hope and light at the end of the 2mg jump tunnel. 38 days ago I quit subs ct and feel fantastic today. I did it with no support meds as well so it can be done. I also worked 6 to 8 hour shifts on my feet during wds. Sucked? Yes, but it can be done!!!!!! For me, the 2nd week was the most challenging symptom wise but nothing that kept me bed bound. Today everything is pretty much status quo.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 7:47 pm 
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well on to Day 6... I didn't sleep at all last night maybe 2hrs. This is whats killing me. I can deal with the wd symptoms for the most part when im up, but the lack of sleep is really starting to get to me. Right now I am not in school luckily, but I am a waiter part time and it is a really hard job to do with wd symptoms. I had the option to go to the clinic today and didn't, so I guess thats something... I dunno sometimes I wish i was detoxing off Heroin... I would be through the worst of it atleast by now....

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 11:58 pm 
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trainer14 wrote:
Hey there tiki! There is hope and light at the end of the 2mg jump tunnel. 38 days ago I quit subs ct and feel fantastic today. I did it with no support meds as well so it can be done. I also worked 6 to 8 hour shifts on my feet during wds. Sucked? Yes, but it can be done!!!!!! For me, the 2nd week was the most challenging symptom wise but nothing that kept me bed bound. Today everything is pretty much status quo.



by the way trainer im glad to hear things going well for you. I'm struggling really bad right now and absolutely dreading going back to work on thursday (I worked the 4th of July when WD's were just coming on super intense and that was bad enough.

I knew it wouldn't be easy and I wish I would have gone for it sooner because I honestly feel like for me suboxone was very damaging to my life. I do credit it for getting me clean however so my feelings are not all negative... I just wish I was more informed when i dove in all those years ago.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 8:16 pm 
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Well im barely into day 7 (more likely day 6 looking back now) I'm still fighting. I noticed last night that my cognitive thinking and motor skills are much better now. The days seem like they might be improving slightly, but the nights are staying the same or perhaps still getting worse. I broke down and tried to get my sub doctor to call in some clonadin for me today, but he never even returned my call. Based off my use does anyone have any idea when I will be able to sleep even a little bit? I live with 3 other people and the constant showering and baths are probably really weirding them out at this point.

Another thing i forgot to mention is i went to a rave a few days before coming off suboxone took maybe 6 hits of molly over 2 days. Could this be a reason I'm struggling so much? I can already tell my will power is 10x stronger then when i was younger because I would have never made it this far.

I also worked out a bit yesterday. Nothing much 7 sets of 10 push ups and 6 sets of 20 crunches. My arms are incredibly sore today, so I think I'll probably stick to walking tonight.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 9:59 pm 
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Taking a quick 5 min break on my workout. Been working out with 45lbs barbell I have (about 20 pounds lighter then I normally do) feeling like im working out for the first time again. Feels strange to have to push myself on such little weight. Overall I've found exercise is the one thing keeping me sane no matter how hard it is I always feel better after doing it.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 10:03 pm 
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I'm old (43) and I have no idea what molly is or what it does to you as far as a high so no insight on that.

Sorry you are struggling at night. I had that issue for about 2 weeks and it improved immensely at the 3 week mark and I love how I feel now when I wake up.I get up really early now even on my days off and feel great. I used to sleep late and always felt like shit until my sub dose and coffee. I never really knew what they meant by waking well rested and refreshed until now. It will improve for you, just be patient and keep your eye on the prize.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 10:16 pm 
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trainer14 wrote:
I'm old (43) and I have no idea what molly is or what it does to you as far as a high so no insight on that.

Sorry you are struggling at night. I had that issue for about 2 weeks and it improved immensely at the 3 week mark and I love how I feel now when I wake up.I get up really early now even on my days off and feel great. I used to sleep late and always felt like shit until my sub dose and coffee. I never really knew what they meant by waking well rested and refreshed until now. It will improve for you, just be patient and keep your eye on the prize.


Molly is MDMA in pure form... aka Ecstasy without being cut with meth and other uppers (we hope).
I guess this brings me to another point. During my Suboxone use of almost 5 years i did use drugs few times a year, but I never touched any type of opiates or heroin. Am i being delusional thinking I can continue to use other drugs once I am over my suboxone detox? I am at a point in my life where the social scene is still important to me and the thought of being trapped in AA or NA the rest of my life almost sounds worse then using.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 5:23 am 
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TikiStyles wrote:

Molly is MDMA in pure form... aka Ecstasy without being cut with meth and other uppers (we hope).
I guess this brings me to another point. During my Suboxone use of almost 5 years i did use drugs few times a year, but I never touched any type of opiates or heroin. Am i being delusional thinking I can continue to use other drugs once I am over my suboxone detox? I am at a point in my life where the social scene is still important to me and the thought of being trapped in AA or NA the rest of my life almost sounds worse then using.


I am even "older" than Trainer (48), but did have a run on Ex in my 30's ("pretending"to be in my 20s...messed up period of my life- I call it my "mid life meltdown" ha ha ha!) Anyway, although I only used for a few months, this is definitely my drug of choice. I remember when I "discovered" it I reasoned, "I can do this every weekend for rest of my life and just be a happy, contented person!" Like I said, messed up! I can understand wanting to "enjoy" your youth, but "Wake up call", if you are an addict, ANY drug usage will eventually lead to jail, institutions, or death. Is an occasional "rave" worth that? Millions of young people lead fulfilling social lives without drugs. My advice, "Find them" and skip the rave. Although definitely "fun", not healthy, right? There are plenty of fun AND healthy social activities. IMO, I think you are trying to justify using....maybe you aren't ready yet to be sober. It is not the easy choice, but far far more fulfilling, and easier in the long run, because who wants to end up in jail, institutions, or dead!? Good luck! Hope you find your lasting peace, serenity, and sobriety sooner than I found mine. BF

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 6:09 am 
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I can certainly understand being at a point in your life where the social scene is still very important, and who doesn't want to go have a good time and cut loose on the weekend? But in my experience, what I have found is that, if you replace your friends that use with clean friends, you'll really find out that you can have so much more fun without the drugs than you ever did with them. honestly, I thought I had tons of friends until I stopped using and buying/ trading drugs etc. most of the using friends/drug buddies we make during active addiction, turn out to not really be ourreal friends to begin with. all of a sudden, chicks that I thought were my true buds didn't return calls, especially after they realize you'renot a potential source anymore, most of them drop us like a hot potato :-( I dont have lotsof friends now, but I know that the people who've remained in my life, really care about me, and will do something for me, just for its own sake, not for money, or drugs. funny thing is, I always remember being the generous addict, sharing my pills, there was always a " fee" for a favor, no matter how small... etc, but shit, when I was sick as hell and called on my " friends", all I got were a bunch of voicemails! no one to help me out out of pity, till I had a couple bucks, like I did for so many... no siree! my point is, that you can have an awesome social life, sober, with people who really give a damn about you. looking back now,I can see that some of the ones whom I thought were my best buddies, would've narced on my ass, or set me up in a minute, if they got in a jam with cops, or needed a fix. Drug using friends rarely ever turn out to be true friends in the end, you'll see once you are clean and done with that life, that your brand new social scene is so much better, no more worrying about not getting busted doing something illegal, or waking up with little memory of what you did or where you were... and the friends you make, so much more loyal :-) I hope it is sooner, rather than later also. recovery isn't boring and lonely,I promise.you won't believe how much better your life, even social life will be if you leave all that behind you ;-)


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 1:16 pm 
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Hi TS; I know that's how I felt when I started 12 Step, that life minus cocaine minus heroin minus booze would be a total drudge. It's not been like that at all. I've discovered that drugs/booze weren't the problem, that they were in fact a terrible to solution. Once I started to figure out why I was pouring this sh*t into me to the point where it got totally out of control, I started to deal with the real issues, and the desire for mind altering sh*t disappeared on its own.

Detoxing from Subs has not been a total picnic for me, but I haven't had a single craving to use or drink along the way. I haven't regretted my decision to get off Subs for an instant.

There are a lot of bad 12 Step meetings around, where people just bitch and moan about stupid, trivial problems; that's not the kind of recovery that helped me. Find meetings where people are talking about the kind of joy and freedom they now have, and find out how they got that way.

-- ji

TikiStyles wrote:
trainer14 wrote:
I'm old (43) and I have no idea what molly is or what it does to you as far as a high so no insight on that.

Sorry you are struggling at night. I had that issue for about 2 weeks and it improved immensely at the 3 week mark and I love how I feel now when I wake up.I get up really early now even on my days off and feel great. I used to sleep late and always felt like shit until my sub dose and coffee. I never really knew what they meant by waking well rested and refreshed until now. It will improve for you, just be patient and keep your eye on the prize.


Molly is MDMA in pure form... aka Ecstasy without being cut with meth and other uppers (we hope).
I guess this brings me to another point. During my Suboxone use of almost 5 years i did use drugs few times a year, but I never touched any type of opiates or heroin. Am i being delusional thinking I can continue to use other drugs once I am over my suboxone detox? I am at a point in my life where the social scene is still important to me and the thought of being trapped in AA or NA the rest of my life almost sounds worse then using.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2014 8:31 pm 
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Thanks for your replies everyone :)

well I'm calling it day 8, but today has been exactly 1 week since i took my last suboxone about an hour ago actually. I still feel really awful when I'm idle and i'm not sleeping at all at night, but I think i am starting to see improvements. For how little I am sleeping I feel pretty good. Gonna go for a walk after this and see if I can clear my head again because I have that super fuzzy feeling right now.

I have work tomorrow. I am really nervous. Not so much much for this shift, but I work 6 days in a row and starting Friday I work all 10-5 shifts which is generally when i have been squeezing in my couple hours of sleep.

As far as the using I am not planning on diving right back in or anything. I've always questioned whether i am actually an addict or someone who just go in with the wrong kind of drugs at the wrong time. I mean lets be honest I went from almost nothing to free basing oxy almost over night. When I was younger I drank socially and while on suboxone I used maybe 5-10 times a year (including alcohol). I guess I will have to find out for myself because as of now I am not planning on doing NA, but I'm not totally opposed to it. I never want to be a slave to something like suboxone ever again! in all honesty my heavy heavy drug use has been limited to about 3 years in the last 10 and that was 4-5 years ago.

Anyway enough of that I really thank you all for the support once again. I'm not trying to get too side tracked looking at what i can and can't do in the future and currently jsut trying to put 1 foot infront of the other 1 day at a time!

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2014 1:03 am 
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Went to the store with my Mom and god some benadryl and melatonin to try to help me sleep spent the evening over at her place which was nice she cooked me dinner. I really don't know where I would be without her support. I'm so lucky to have someone that has not given up on me entirely!

Here's to hoping I can get a few consecutive hours of sleep tonight and kick these withdrawals ass in week 2!

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2014 1:35 am 
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TikiStyles wrote:
Went to the store with my Mom and god some benadryl and melatonin to try to help me sleep spent the evening over at her place which was nice she cooked me dinner. I really don't know where I would be without her support. I'm so lucky to have someone that has not given up on me entirely!

Here's to hoping I can get a few consecutive hours of sleep tonight and kick these withdrawals ass in week 2!


Hey there 10 posts (so far) Tiki! I haven't said hi yet, but hi! I have difficulty keeping up with everything at times. Glad you're on here tho, and hope you rack up some more posts on your journey with the rest of the folks here. And you get some rest tonight (and/or are rested when you eventually read this come tomorrow).


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2014 4:02 pm 
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DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT TAKE THE BENADRYL. it increases restless legs 1000x. Spare yourself the agony!!!!!!!


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 10, 2014 4:14 pm 
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trainer14 wrote:
DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT TAKE THE BENADRYL. it increases restless legs 1000x. Spare yourself the agony!!!!!!!

wow glad I did not try that..........


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:19 pm 
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Alright I didn't fall off the wagon! 2 nights ago was really really bad. I actually called my mom at 7am and she came and picked me up and I've been staying at her place since. Going back to work was tough, but overall adding some structure back to my life has been a good thing. Still not sleeping well at all, but the withdrawals as far as day time are almost non existent at this point. Still come a bit and waves, but definitely manageable.

I can already feel the life coming back to me. Eating 3 square meals a day ( was eating 1 large meal a day before) Wanting to continue to advance my education and the desire to be outdoors doing things rather then just isolating in my room all the time.

So today is day 10 and I worked again this morning. Slept about 4 hrs last night, which is the most by far that I have done in 1 night. It wasn't continuous sleep, but I'm not complaining!

I still have a lot of anger towards my suboxone doctor and suboxone itself. I was so young when I started and no one warned me of the horrors of getting off it or the fact that while on it I would be a complete zombie to the world. I know everyone is different in regards to these things. Its possible without suboxone I would have ended up dead in a ditch years ago, so who knows.

I know the battle has just begun, and I think all of you that have posted your support!

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2014 11:22 pm 
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trainer14 wrote:
DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT TAKE THE BENADRYL. it increases restless legs 1000x. Spare yourself the agony!!!!!!!


I found this out a little too late. I thought it was the melatonin that messed me up cause both my sub doctor and the pharmacist at Walgreens said Benadryl would be fine while detoxing of suboxone. Boy were they wrong that was the worst night I had by far... It was the entire reason I ended up going over to my moms place though, which has been great, so I guess it worked out!

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