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 Post subject: Coming up for air
PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 10:16 am 
I just got back Sun. from a spiritual retreat which was excellent - refreshing, centering and de-stressing.

As i stated in another thread, I was feeling totally apathetic before I left. I've been feeling like it's the months and months of flooding my receptors with bupe that is starting to drag me down. A couple of days before I left for the retreat I stopped taking my Sub. I knew i wouldn't go into withdrawal because 12mg for 6 mos. would take a while to leave my system. I felt really well all week-end, but of course I was busy, doing yoga and with other people constantly. I really feel like after about 5-6 days without sub I did feel more awake, more alive. I even felt my sexuality coming back.

The thing is shortly after arriving home I felt achy and irritable, and felt it prudent to go back on my sub (especially with my history of relapse). I've only been taking 4 mg and I feel very well. I'm just afraid - Am I living underwater while I'm on Sub? Do I feel like I'm normal, but I'm really sort of in an imperceptable drugged state?
Beleive me, I'm not dissing sub or trying to start controversy. I'm just really struggling with whether or not this is a healthy long term solution for me. I guess I've never really gotten the "one day at a time" concept.
Does anyone identify?

 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 4:44 pm 
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I hear what you're expressing, Lilly, and unfortunately I can't offer any clear answers. My experience on bupe is different. Having been off it for the last 4 days I feel the opposite - I feel like shit. I can't wait to go back on it.

Keep in mind sub is an opiate, but I personally don't think it's responsible for dulling the senses in any way. It's just not that kind of opiate. After active addiction there's a kind of let-down, for lack of better words. It took me more than 6 months to adjust. Then there's the mental component, as it sounds like you just don't want to be on it long term. So going off it for a few days could offer some mental relief, so to speak. I'm not belittling how you're feeling, not in the least. I'm just exploring options. Remember, suboxone is an option available to us to put our addiction into remission, to keep us alive. Perhaps how you're feeling is based in your perspective of the whole thing? I honestly don't know, but I do hope you find some peace with it all. I doubt this has helped or offered any insight, but I wanted to respond nonetheless.

-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

 Post subject: Gratitude
PostPosted: Thu Apr 22, 2010 1:13 pm 
Mel, thanks for your reply. I think you are correct when you say that it's probably really about my discomfort with the idea of being on Sub long term. I was just reading something that spoke to this issue under the "justr returned from rapid detox" thread. Someone (Elizabeth?) was pointing out how we can't return to our lives before the drugs - the best we can hope for is remission. Just like if I had any other disease - I would have to take my medication, even if I didn't like the side effects, or suffer the consequences.
I try to focus on gratitude, how good my life is now vs. how bad is was/could be in active addiction. I'm glad this forum exists. If I were just out here alone I probablywould have given up on Sub by now, and then who knows? Today I can live my life as a "normal" law abiding citizen, free from the vicious cycle of addiction/ withdrawal. For that I am truly grateful.

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