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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 11:24 am 
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Hi my name is Andrew and quite honestly I want to be free. I want to be free from using substances to function. It all started with a Vicodin Here and there for fun. That led to meeting that "friend". That friend introduced me to Roxys. I loved the feeling. Loved using them with my girlfriend. Well after awhile she got pregnant and she stopped. I never did. Always convincing myself its ok to take another one I'll not get addicted. Well eventually I was very addicted and it was controlling my life. I tried stopping and Wowwww the feeling..just horrible. That's when this "friend" suggested I start buying suboxone instead. Ofcourse that decision was regrettable. Well I never really went to some of the insane doses like 16-32mg a day. I always would either cut the 8mg strip in half or fourths, depending on how many I had. I thought it was a miracle drug. It saved money, it made me feel almost normal. Almost. Well the prices have been going up and I'm tired of relying on the shit of the world people to make me feel normal, so I'm quitting. I wish I had read this site before I started so I would have tapered, but oh well. I'm currently on day 4. It's quite horrible. I'll write up a day by day in my next post. I just felt the need to talk to someone. I keep feeling like its never going to end. I wish it would :(. Help..


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 12:17 pm 
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18 people have viewed this so I'm assuming its 18 people that want to get out of this nightmare. If I can do it with a 4 month old baby and a labour intensive job you can do it too. I want to be free. I want to experience life without this drug. Everytime I feel ready to break I remind myself of the way life used to be. You can quit this poison, its hard but you can. All you need is the will and some support. Don't be shy I could use some positive reinforcement.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 12:41 pm 
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Explanation of my way of quitting - Bought everything from the Thomas Recipe ( Google it ), xanax is What I had available to use.

Day 1.) 24 hour mark was around 10:30pm. Was feeling somewhat ok. A little anxious. Fell asleep around 11:45 rather easily. RLS started at around 3am. Sleep got a lot harder, no xanax used to this point, didn't even have them yet. Baby woke up around 630. No additional sleep past this point, called off work.
Day 2.) Anxious. Very Anxious. Anxiety like crazy. Feels like my skin is getting constantly stretched. Random emotional crying spells. Starting to dread the feeling and wondering if I can really do this. Flushed my subs to keep the temptation away, deleted contacts to get them. Bought 6 2mg xanax. Got robbed too, the transaction before by the "friend". Awesome. Motivation to not be a junkie. Took 1mg xanax to sleep, didn't help everything but managed 2-4 hours of sleep. Overall feel pretty much like hot garbage.
Day 3.)Holy bejesus intense. Can't get comfortable for the life of me. Ability to have sex still oddly intact, felt good to feel something other than anxiety for a fee minutes. Drove son to parents house for the day. Started asking god for help, from someone who doesn't believe. I cried, I begged, I asked for the strength to get through this. I promised to share my experience to help others. More crying. So emotional. Emotional fits actually make you feel better albeit temporarily. While Praying inspirational song came on radio. Cried more. Decided to make a surprise for the wife. Lots of cute gifts on why she's the reason I'm working through this. Much stress on the relationship because of this. Popped 2mg of xanax and tried sleeping on the couch. Felt like a straight zombie but actually fell asleep. Woke up, feelings rushed back. Felt unhappy. Deflated. Wishing for it to be over. Apetite is there but general will to do nothing keeps me from eating. Feel like, well straight shit. Starting to doubt if my will power is strong enough. Just keep repeating the benefits to myself. Xanax induced random sleep, woke up couple times to feed the baby but overall some decent sleep. Far from what I hoped for though.
Day 4.) Oh my. For lack of better words, fuck this day. didn't use xanax and....didn't sleep for one single second. Took multiple baths. made up sickness ( not hard ) for parents to watch son. currently twisting and turning in bed waiting for a miracle to happen. Took 1mg of xanax going to try sleeping now. will update after. Best of luck friends. I made it sound horrible, but in the grand scheme 2 weeks is miniscule and you deserve to be normal.

much love - Andrew, WantToBeFREE


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 2:26 pm 
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Hey Andrew and welcome to the forum.

Yes, I agree with you that you should have come here earlier and tapered but here you are on day 4 and it seems like you've been through quite an ordeal. I can't say what you have in store over the next few days and weeks because I have never been off it long enough to experience what you have already.

So you say you were cutting the 8 mg's into halves and quarters? A 2 mg jump is considered a high dose drop so no wonder you've been through hell. Too late now, just hold on and get the Sub out of your system for good. Some others will post later on who have more experience than I do. I just wanted to offer my support for your decision to stop all opiates. It sounds like you have great determination so stay the course and keep posting.

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 3:18 pm 
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Hi Andrew,

I just went through my own detox. I was on 32mg for eight years and then tapered down to 2mg over the last year. My last dose of sub was on Dec 11 at 8am. My heavy w/d did not hit me until about day 6 and got worse through day 24. I am on day 26 right now and this is first day I have felt functional at all. I was on a high dose for a long time, not sure if that made it worse or not. It was bad, really bad but I have made it, I think I am in shock right now cause I do feel better, it felt like it would not end but this forum helped a great deal, there was a particular person who really helped pull me through, I am not sure I would have made it without them. Any way, yes you are going through hell right now, I know. Do you have a physican you can trust, there are medications that can help ease the process or at least let you sleep for a while, sleep was my savior over the tough times. Don't give up, you can do it, it just takes time. For me it was the hardest thing I have ever done and I hace been through some shit, believe me. Keep crying if it helps I did for days on end. I prayed too, alot. You said your sex life has not been affected, for some reason coming off this shit seems to increase sex drive, so keep doing that, it gets your endorphines going. My husband is over the road so I did not have that option, but if I did I would have taken advantage of it.
Keep posting, this forum was my saving grace.
Cam


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 3:45 pm 
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Rule62 - Thank you, I also wished I had thought about that a little sooner. Yay for being Gun-Ho and expecting to be superman about it. Sigh.


Cammiek - Thank you for the explanation. I'm very much hoping mine does not last 24 days. I think my willpower is strong but that's just incredible. I cannot wait for that first day to take in my first breath and feel genuinely like suboxone isn't controlling me. Thank you so much for the support. To hear a story where you jumped off at the same dose and made it is really inspiring. The unfortunate thing I'm running into is I don't think I'll be able to see my doctor this week. I'm scheduled to work Mon-Fri and that has me genuinely terrified. I just hope I can stay strong through it.


Day 4.) Continued - fell asleep "hallelujah" from about 5 minutes from my last post from the xanax. Experienced extremely real and vivid dreams. Was than awoken by a Damn sales call. Oh my god that dude got a lickin'. I'm feeling pretty shitty still. Going to try and watch some football.


Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate all of your kind words and so far I'm strong enough to say I can still do this! And that's something to be excited about.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 3:52 pm 
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I think you can gain a lot of encouragement, maybe a "second wind" of strength,
by reading this guy's story. he too, had a very physically demanding job.
I also do, so I know how challenging it is just on REGULAR days ,,, to "push thru"
and deal with shit........ even a cold , an achey back sucks royally......

anyways, read thru
http://suboxforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=5965

he was definitely a warrior, and you are too :wink:

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 5:02 pm 
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Thank you so much. That story is indeed quite inspiring. We both appear to have a lot in common. Hopefully I can handle the job portion with the warrior like attitude. I'm somewhat dreading the thought of going back, but at the same time I'm not sure what's worse, sitting around at home or being active and not trying to think about it. I've never been religious but lately I've been absolutely begging for divine strength. Anything to get me through this frustration. The worst it seems is when you're sitting around. I'm blessed to have a beautiful wife that stands by me. Each day seems to take a toll on her, but the texts I get from her at work are the real reason I don't run and grab the next devil strip. I'm going to go take a walk I think. Thank you once again for such an inspiring story. Hopefully mine will eventually one day be used for someone in a similar situation.

Thank you! -WantToBeFREE


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 6:15 pm 
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Instead of walking decided to take about a 10 mile drive to burgerking. After eating two bk stackers and driving back my anxiety lifted. Albeit temporarily it was the best I've felt in days. I got home and washed all the dirty dishes. Little victories remind me of the feeling of being normal. It just empowers me even further!! Let's go subs, if this is the worst you've got you're going down!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 7:15 pm 
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Over 130 views. It's amazing how many people are likely looking for that spark to do what there heart wants them too. Tonight at 9pm EST will begin day 5. I'm excited, days are falling by the wayside. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. If you're out there looking in think deep down if you want to be free. Do you want to be controlled by no drug! By no poorly informed doctor or dope boy. If you're tired of realizing oh god this is my last piece and you start blowing up your contacts to get your next fix. Putting your hard earned money you could be using on your family or yourself. You can do it if I can. You can be free. You'll feel bodily pain and uncomfort and that is you paying the piper. Paying for the choices we made. It's not permanent unless you want it to be. I'm tired of relying on people that use me as their paycheck. I'm tired of losing family time to go "re-up" so I can act "Normal". I know what normal is and its not this Damn poison. You will not win Subs, you will not control my life. I will be free!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 9:33 pm 
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Well got another update besides my ranting. Wife got home with the baby. Baby was being a little nightmare, had her in a sour mood. Dad to the rescue. Took him for a ride in the Honda and hes sound asleep now. If only it worked like that for me right now. I'm 30 minutes from day five. I'm hoping based on not being a long, long term user 1 year+ that relief will come soon. I can only hope. The wife is my absolute rock. My reason to continue with this unbearable feelings. I just cannot wait for this to be over. Cheers to myself to 5 days without the devil strips. Here's to a lifetime more. This will probably be my last entry for the day. Day four was probably the worst, the zero sleep, the constant almost painful anxiety. I just want my life back, I want to be able to feed my baby boy without the assistance of drugs. I want to feel human again. Signing off with hopefully a better night and day ahead.


-WantToBeFREE


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 10:03 pm 
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Hi Andrew, I recently posted a thread going through the same thing in regards to quitting cold turkey. I'm currently on day 1 and it's been up and down. I know it's going to get worse from here on out and hopefully better sooner than later.

In any case, keep fighting the good fight and don't be afraid of the fear of the pain and withdrawal. It's ok to be scared, because it lets you truly understand how real it all is.

I've been listening to a lot of music all day and it's helped me open my mind for the first time in years.

Good luck to you and keep us posted as reading these threads helps me with my current situation.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2013 10:04 pm 
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"Change is, to give up what we are, to become what we could be"


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 3:14 am 
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WantToBeFREE wrote:
Over 130 views. It's amazing how many people are likely looking for that spark to do what there heart wants them too. Tonight at 9pm EST will begin day 5. I'm excited, days are falling by the wayside. This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. If you're out there looking in think deep down if you want to be free. Do you want to be controlled by no drug! By no poorly informed doctor or dope boy. If you're tired of realizing oh god this is my last piece and you start blowing up your contacts to get your next fix. Putting your hard earned money you could be using on your family or yourself. You can do it if I can. You can be free. You'll feel bodily pain and uncomfort and that is you paying the piper. Paying for the choices we made. It's not permanent unless you want it to be. I'm tired of relying on people that use me as their paycheck. I'm tired of losing family time to go "re-up" so I can act "Normal". I know what normal is and its not this Damn poison. You will not win Subs, you will not control my life. I will be free!


I'm so glad that you found us here, even belatedly. As you can tell, there are a lot of supportive people here, even if they haven't had the same experience with sub as you have. We have people on the forum who are right where you are, people who have just started taking sub, and people who are living life very well on sub maintenance. The reason that we all support you, though, is because we are all addicts, and we have all heard enough stories to know that some people need to get off sub, and we know how tough it can be!

Although we all aren't at the same place, and plenty of us are not seeking inspiration for getting off suboxone ourselves, we still want to check out your thread. There are probably a few people who are looking at your thread because they know you're going to need support, and some that look because everyone stops to look at something that shocks or frightens us (i.e. someone jumping off a high dose of sub.) That doesn't mean that we aren't rooting for you though! :)

It seems, from what I've gleaned from others' stories, that if you're going to jump off of sub without a good taper, it's almost necessary to be angry at the sub. To get through the withdrawal you kind of need to see sub as the enemy. It's the devil and you're ridding yourself of its demonic control! I think it's totally natural for you to feel this way! Otherwise, you might not have the motivation you need to succeed.

I do hope that you recognize, though, that we are not all in that place. As much as you need to rid yourself of sub, I feel like I have a great tapering partnership with sub. It's not my enemy, at least at this time. Other people who are comparing their life now on sub to what it was when they were actively using, still feel very grateful for sub and may always feel grateful.

Your experience is important and valid to you and I respect that. It would be easy for you, in the thralls of your personal withdrawal misery, to assume that we are all feeling as you do about sub, but we all come from different experiences and are at different places in our journey. I hope that you can respect that too.

I wish you nothing but the best! :) You're going through such a tough fight and I want you to reach all of your goals. So please, keep on posting so we know how you're doing!

Amy

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 4:25 am 
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WantToBeFREE wrote:
Instead of walking decided to take about a 10 mile drive to burgerking. After eating two bk stackers and driving back my anxiety lifted. Albeit temporarily it was the best I've felt in days. I got home and washed all the dirty dishes. Little victories remind me of the feeling of being normal. It just empowers me even further!! Let's go subs, if this is the worst you've got you're going down!

I find while in WD going for a little drive with music blasting makes me feel 100000x better.. but then again I have a sports car hehe... nothing like smashing the gas and getting thrown back into your seat..


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 6:49 am 
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Hey Bud. You're not the first to do a high jump Sub detox. Many people have done it before you, and they managed to get through it. So no matter what, keep at it. Look at your son for inspiration. Even if you're feeling like shit, acknowledge that at least you are FEELING again. Sub does suppress emotion, so the moment you enter withdrawal feelings can be so intense they're uncomfortable. And it's generally the ugly ones that reveal themselves first.

I've high jumped off Sub a couple of times successfully, and I believe that how long it lasts, and how intense it is, depends a lot on the dose you were on, how long you were on it for, and what kinda reduction you've done.

Is it too late to see a doctor and get some detox aids? Something like clonidine can take the edge off.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 10:46 am 
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Hello everyone and good morning, I've only got a few minutes and plan to more thoroughly address each response but from the bottom of my heart thank you so very much. The support given to me has been nothing short of a god send.

Krazy that quote made me start tearing up - at work! Thank you and I'm sure you will be strong throughout this uncomfortable process.

Amy I just wanted to respond, I understand where subs can be an absolute life saver to some people. Even if I hate to admit they probably helped save my relationship and helped me bring my child into this world. However I hate I wasn't strong enough at the time to just drop the Roxys and move on. I by no means want to put down anyone's methods on what works for them. Anger and the justification of them being an evil terrible thing helps motivate me to stop. I'm sure some others feel the same. Atleast at some point.


Heading back into work, thank you so very much for the continued support. It's amazing to open my phone up and gain motivation in this battle.

Thank you, Thank you. - IWantToBeFREE


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 12:06 pm 
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Hey wanttobefree,

Check out this short inspirational video, I've shared this with many who are going through wd and they all seem to like it. Not every word may be applicable to your situation, but the general message is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ewqnfufbs9I

604 said, "I find while in WD going for a little drive with music blasting makes me feel 100000x better..." I did this too!! Many nights, around 9pm or so, things would seem to get unbearable. So, I'd hop in my car, go for a ride and blast AC/DC's Hell's Bells. Always made me feel better!!

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 1:29 pm 
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I wanted to get my replies in while I'm on my lunch break. I'm 8 hours from day 6. I'm half way through my first day back working. I'm still an emotional wreck ( Why I don't know, I've rarely ever felt this way ). But I'm here. I'm still going. Life hasn't stopped. I haven't stopped. I feel more commited than ever. I can't thank everyone enough for putting in there support to a complete stranger. Something none of you are obligated to do. It's more than I expect from some friends I know personally and I cannot thank you enough.

604 - I actually did that this morning on my way to work. It really does get your mind off things. An absolute must to keep you somewhat sane through all of this. Thank you so much for the input.



Krazygreen - Just 4 short days ago I was exactly where you were. You're going to absolutely knock this habit out of the water. Rely on whoever, whatever you can. I can't speak for your life or if it will have a large impact like it will for mine, but I can't see anything but positives for making it through this. Best of luck buddy, if you need to talk you know exactly what thread to find me on.


TeeJay - Ive not really thought about it that way. But I'm definitely feeling far more than I have in months if not a year. When I look at my son I feel things I haven't felt since the day he was born - A day I actually didn't have subs or anything based off the leaving so quickly and not being prepared. I love it. Even with the constant anxiety I love feeling this way. More and more each day I'm able to laugh, able to stop and process how lucky I am to still have what I have. Lucky to be alive I'd even throw in. Thank you, from a fellow high dose jumper it means a lot.

Romeo - in my short time on this website I've seen your name so many times. Offering inspiration, even being their for a girl that last posted over a year ago.You're the absolute definition of a class A human being. I knew at some point you would reach my post, I didn't think you'd post a video with a profound effect on me. Thank god I didn't watch that around other people. I feel like an emotional child but that definitely hit home with me. Thank you for the support and thank you for being a class act for hundreds of people in similar situations as myself.


As I sit here enjoying my hour break with the radio playing and the heater on full blast, I can't be anything but thankful. I've made it this far and i know I can make it the rest of the way. I know I won't relapse after experiencing this. I've craved being normal for far too long and I've put far to many of my friends, family, child and wife by the wayside. If anyone is reading this for motivation you can quit. No matter the route you take or the goal you want to accomplish you can do it.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 1:49 pm 
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Oh something I wanted to share before I write up my day 5 experience in full. I thought I was one of the lucky ones. No IBS in sight. Well at 3:32am last night I performed a usain bolt to the bathroom and oh my. I live with the immodium in my pocket now. LOL.


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