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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 7:26 pm 
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Day 5 is winding down. It wasn't as bad as I expected. Didn't catch one second of sleep but it feels like my body is starting to get use to being a zombie. I'm trying to transition from this being all I focus about. It's effecting my relationship with my wife and I don't enjoy that. I'm trying to be happy for them. Tried going to bed around 9pm, ended rolling around all night, at 3:30 IBS Hit for the first time, did not enjoy that. 6:30 Alarm went off and I was up. Zombie mode, but up. Took a hot shower, helped a little. Reinforced my thoughts on why I'm quitting, why I need to be strong. Drove to work, played music to help with anxiety. Pretended to basically have the flu at work. No one really bugged me. Some co workers did make me smile at times. Anxiety really peaked until about 12. Started to feel a little better. Got a text from the wife about something irrelevant and actually became really happy. Just to see she Texted me. Finished my first day back in the working day. Have been listening to the video Romeo quite a bit. Really makes me emotional, but happy all the same. Got home and had a heart to heart with my beautiful wife. I know I have her support, her will paired with mine to quit this habit. I'm nearly at day 6 and I'm starting to feel better. Maybe not symptom wise but I feel like the end is in sight. I feel like I'm really going to make it. I wasn't so sure 3 days ago. This will probably be my last entry for the night. Day 6 on the horizon. Let's goooo!

-WantToBeFREE


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2013 10:26 pm 
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WantToBeFREE wrote:
Oh something I wanted to share before I write up my day 5 experience in full. I thought I was one of the lucky ones. No IBS in sight. Well at 3:32am last night I performed a usain bolt to the bathroom and oh my. I live with the immodium in my pocket now. LOL.


Oh no! You poor thing! I was hoping that you wouldn't have to deal with that! A "usain bolt", that's really funny!

You are doing really great. I kind of teared up when you mentioned all the emotions you've been feeling. You sound like you have a really grateful heart, even in the midst of your pain and discomfort. It makes me root for you even more.

You are right about Romeo! Our Romes is one in a million and he has helped countless people, as have many of our members. He was the first person to say hello when I first joined.

Your wife sounds like she is a great support to you. Even if she doesn't fully understand what you're going through, having her by your side must be a comfort.

Keep truckin' WTBF!!

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 11:49 am 
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Hey Andrew, thanks for the kind words.

You had mentioned that you feel like an emotional child, I felt the same way coming off Suboxone. For the first several weeks, I used to tell people that I felt like I was being held together with tissue paper and all it would take was the slightest scratch and I'd come undone (which happened regulary). Being an emotional wreck is perfectly normal right now. Your brain is going nuts right now trying to figure out WTH is going on. It had a nice steady stream of external opiates filling all your opiate receptors and now they're gone. Now, your brain has to "re-learn" how to do its job again and fill those opiate receptors itself and that takes time. Also, the "natural opiates" your brain produces aren't as strong as the external ones you've been taking AND your brain does not saturate all of your opiate receptors at once, like Suboxone does.

I'm glad you have the support of your wife and child. I had my wife and daughter supporting me and that made a huge difference.

Andrew, you will get better....it is gonna take time, though.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 1:36 pm 
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Hi again Amy. Thank you for the kind words I read them this morning and it gave me a happy jolt to start the day. I needed that. You're absolutely right the wife is a huge support. It breaks my heart how this effects us though. Not being able to sleep in the bed with her. Holding her. Being there all night for her. That's been harder than any of these bullshit withdrawal symptoms. That's the number one thing taking a toll on me. It's making me unhappy. By far the worst part of this entire progress. But she's there. Stronger for me every day I make it through. That's what has been keeping me going. I want the ability to just lay down and fall asleep holding her. I'd sell a kidney for that ability right now. Hum. Depression.

Romeo - You're absolutely right. Tissue paper. It's literally falling apart like wet tissue paper. I really feel it does help though. Bursts of emotion that remind me I'm human. I've started to feel inhuman the past few days. Anxiety controlling your every move. I appreciate the continued support. I don't want to hear it takes time, but I'm forced to agree. Not being able to sleep really adds to the misery. I have noticed some very real and substantial improvements however so its not all misery...onto them!


Day 6 - I actually started to feel no anxiety or a very reduced version of the last couple days. Either I've learned to function differently or the anxiety has majorly lifted. I feel like I can laugh and smile and participate in games and fun with my son. I don't feel a complete slave to the anxiety anymore. This is with no xanax or any medication, or sleep for that matter. Well I tried falling asleep in bed. I actually bought some Mary Jane hoping it would work like it did in the past - absolutely not - made me feel horrible. I did not enjoy the feeling and i won't ve doing that again. Rolled around in bed till about 1am. Just couldn't make it happen. Went and took a hot bath, took 1mg of xanax laid on the couch, last I remember looking at the clock and bam its 6:30am. I slept. Amazing, short amount but something, I feel atleast like I'm alive again. Got ready for work in a rush from being somewhat lazy, drove to work. Anxiety is no where close to any previous days. It really doesn't feel like much of a battle now other than at night. Night is just horrible. RLS is just infuriating. I want to tear my legs & arms off. It bothers me all day long. Still, anxiety gone and I feel like I beat the beast. Work has been exceptionally boring. Nothing real exciting to report, without anxiety It's quite easy. My number one worry is how long my sleep habits will be effected. I'm praying its not months. I've seemed to have beaten the worst withdrawal symptoms already. My body is tired but not sore. Once my sleep regulates I will consider this an absolute success. About to head back to work. I'll update any set backs or accomplishments. I appreciate everything ladies and gentleman. You've been an absolute god send. I showed my wife all of this. She was quite happy to see how much support had been given.

Amy I love the Nickname. And I'm still truckin ;).

Andrew, WTBF!!!


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2013 11:59 pm 
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Well day 7 started pretty non chalant. With 2 hours of unassisted sleep. Other than natural things, like a couples massage I bought for me and the wife. I'm sore, but it did feel good. I really think it helped. Her too. Well just wanted to post that little awesome tidbit before I fight the sleeplessness. Hopefully I can pull a few hours of sleep. Good night guys.


WTBF!


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 10:44 am 
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Day 7 has been pretty easy. Very minor anxiety in the morning on the way to work. I'm still really frustrated with the no sleeping. I didn't even have RLS last night, I just won't sleep. If I do a pin drop, minor movement will wake me up. I swear in my rather large townhouse my 4 month old son can cough or sniffle downstairs, with my bedroom door shut and ill wake up. It's infuriating. How can you be motivated when you cannot sleep. I don't feel exceptionally tired during the day but I definitely can tell there's something majorly wrong. I'm so frustrated with this. I'm 22 years old and I feel 70. I want to feel normal so fucking badly. Fuckkkkkk. Frustration!!!!!

Day 6 & start of day 7 - Mentioned we went and got a couples massage. Honestly I'm sore as fuck now. But I'd rather be sore than feel the Damn horrible restless leg syndrome. Used absolutely nothing to help myself sleep last night. I've tried setting up an appointment with my trusted physician. The only one I would actually tell the truth. Shes out till Jan 29th. WTF. I'm going to one of those stupid urgent care places tonight and going to act like I'm in a full blown anxiety attack. Hopefully they prescribe that blood pressure medicine to help with sleep. Something. I wanted to remain as natural as possible but this is a lot. A lot a lot. I'm officially pessimistic and frustrated with this process. I know deep down I'm going to make it but hot Damn let me sleep!

Heading back to work. Sigh. Hoping for better days ahead.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 12:02 pm 
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Yep, the lack of sleep that comes with opiate wd can be INFURIATING!! Unfortunately, sleep is one of the last things to return to normal for many opiate addicts. Ain't that a bitch?

From what I'm reading, I'm gonna guess that your anxiety is why you're not sleeping. When I quit Suboxone, I felt like my central nervous system was shredded. I would get hand tremors to the point where I had to use TWO hands to eat my cereal in the morning. One hand to hold the spoon, the other hand to steady the hand holding the spoon. It was ridiculous.

Once I started Clonidine, things started getting better. Clonidine calms the Sympathetic Nervous System. It helped with my "shakes" and helped me to start getting some sleep at night. Now, when I say it helped with my sleep I'm talking about going from an hour or two of sleep a night up to 3 - 5 hours a night. Clonidine didn't send me into a blissful 8 hour sleep, but when you're used to one or two hours of sleep and you all of a sudden jump to 3 -5 hours of sleep, it seems like a gift from heaven above!

I understand your wanting to remain as natural as possible during this ordeal, I was the exact same way. I wanted to not be dependant on anything EVER again, but after 30 days of craptacular sleep, I caved and started taking Clonidine. I stayed on Clonidine for months and months and it was a piece of cake stopping it. Clonidine is non-addictive.

BTW, I don't think the urgent care place will prescribe Clonidine for anxiety attacks. IMO, you're better off telling them that you're coming off opiates. Clonidine is fairly well known for helping people get through opiate wd.

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 12:17 pm 
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I think I will indeed do just that tonight Romeo. It's awkward telling some random physician. It's worse trying to explain it to your own friends. Ugh. I think 3-5 hours will be absolute bliss personally ;). Gotta head back, thank you for the continued replies Romeo, they really have been making me feel better. Reminding me I'm not the only one to experience this annoying problem.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 1:18 pm 
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On my lunch break - Romeo how on earth did you last 30 days of no sleep! If I have to sleep on the Damn couch one more time I think I might go serial insane. I hate our couch now. I am developing a complex against couches. Hum. Sarcasm is back in full force. I missed it. I missed being able to think about something other than the withdrawals. My mind is starting to I guess "awaken". Too bad it doesn't go back to Damn sleep at night. Did you just lay around trying to sleep all night or did you do things to occupy your mind? I've been sitting in a silent room with a couch for 9-12 hours trying to sleep. It's driving me a little insane, actually quite insane. I can't wait for this doctor's appointment. I really hope its an understanding person. I swear if they try to give me something opiate based I might throw a doctor through a wall. Haha. Well off to get something to eat. Thanks once again buddy. The amount of time and effort you put forward for everyone is just inspiring. I read somewhere this is helping in your own recovery. I wanted to let you know you're doing an excellent job. You've got the right things to say each and every day. I really appreciate it!


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 8:03 pm 
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Well just got back from the urgent care. Absolutely disgusted by them. They wouldn't offer clonipine or however its spelled because I was running a 100.4 temp. You go 8 days without sleep and tell me how you're doing. They then offered ambien, I refused. That's a nightmare waiting to happen. They than offered a small dose of hydrocodone. Yes because an addict needs more opiates. I was furious but it gets even better. They than offer methadone, and offer to set up a plan with their on-site addiction doctor. Because obviously that's a good idea. Stupid fuckers. I knew with how long it was taking they were googling things. I ended up just asking to leave, they offered lunesta. I took the prescription. I'm not big on these sleep aids. The addiction doctor than gives me his email incase I want to consider methadone. I wanted to spit in his face. If I didnt come off as someone with the will and urge to beat this by declining every addictive substance you offered, oh my god. So frustrating. I've got an appointment with my primarys nurse practictioner, since she's out. I might just go the anxiety route. They use to prescribe me clonidine when I BS'd my way to medical leave while working at a major bank...;) FMLA! PAY ME TO SIT AT HOME MUAHAHA. I'm annoyed and don't think I'm going to fill this garbage. I don't like what I've read. Anyhow that's day 8. Fuck. Hello insomnia!


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 8:06 pm 
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Day 7* my brain is fried. With a side of tatters.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 11:40 pm 
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WantToBeFREE wrote:
Well just got back from the urgent care. Absolutely disgusted by them. They wouldn't offer clonipine or however its spelled because I was running a 100.4 temp. You go 8 days without sleep and tell me how you're doing. They then offered ambien, I refused. That's a nightmare waiting to happen. They than offered a small dose of hydrocodone. Yes because an addict needs more opiates. I was furious but it gets even better. They than offer methadone, and offer to set up a plan with their on-site addiction doctor. Because obviously that's a good idea. Stupid fuckers. I knew with how long it was taking they were googling things. I ended up just asking to leave, they offered lunesta. I took the prescription. I'm not big on these sleep aids. The addiction doctor than gives me his email incase I want to consider methadone. I wanted to spit in his face. If I didnt come off as someone with the will and urge to beat this by declining every addictive substance you offered, oh my god. So frustrating. I've got an appointment with my primarys nurse practictioner, since she's out. I might just go the anxiety route. They use to prescribe me clonidine when I BS'd my way to medical leave while working at a major bank...;) FMLA! PAY ME TO SIT AT HOME MUAHAHA. I'm annoyed and don't think I'm going to fill this garbage. I don't like what I've read. Anyhow that's day 8. Fuck. Hello insomnia!





DUDE........ GREAT JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously,,,,,, You are sooo strong to refuse those meds!!!!

I'd want to hit one of them in the head with a freaking 2x4 too if I were you!!!!!

holy crap, man!!!

Anyways, good job, you are seriously doing this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and THANKS soooooo very much for keeping your thread updated!!!!!! you have no idea how many people you'll help in the
future!!!

I know, you posted your brain is fried today so if you just want to read this in a few days, that's fine, too.
No matter what you did AWESOME TODAY,,, don't forget that.

keep hanging on...........
I do hope you are able to get some sleep......

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its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 12:36 am 
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Andrew, are you (or those doctors) confusing Klonopin with Clonidine? Klonopin is a benzodiazepine, it's in the same class of drugs as Valium and Xanax. It kinda sounds like that doctor thought you were asking for Klonopin?

Like Amber said, good job for turning down those drugs they offered you.....I can NOT believe they did that.

You asked how I went 30 days with mostly no sleep. I'm honestly not sure how I did it? I guess the old saying "one day at a time" is how I did it.

I did NOT lay in bed hoping to go to sleep. I knew from previous opiate wd experiences that that crap doesn't work. I usually sat my ass in front of the TV and watched music videos or those murder mystery things. Just before my wd started, I had the good fortune of recording a Stone Temple Pilots concert and I must have watched that concert 1000 times. The lead singer, Scott Weiland, is a recovering opiate addict. I had seen other concerts of theirs when he was on smack and they were awful, but in this hour long concert I recorded, he was clean and they were AWESOME!!! I also recorded some Iron Maiden, some Scorpions, some Joan Jett and a few others too. Rock N Roll really helped pull me through those lonely nights.

It only took me a few nights to realize that I wasn't even approaching sleepy until around 5am in the morning, so instead of fighting to go to sleep, I'd sit up and watch TV (while trying not to jump out of my skin!!) until 4am or so, then I'd try to lay down and get some sleep.

For me, watching TV beat flippin' and floppin' in bed....not by much, but it beat it.

Hang in there, man. I think you're doing amazingly well. You've already come so far!!

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 7:26 am 
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Good morning guys. No sleep. Again. I don't think I've ever been so frustrated. Lunesta is complete garbage. It makes your mouth taste like garbage and does absolutely nothing for us on opiate withdrawals. 150$ wasted. Absolutely sickening. So far quitting has been 5 times as expensive as my habit has been. That's insane.

Amber - Thank you for the support. I really want to go back there and deck them both in the face. I'd probably collapse from exhaustion doing so. I'm pretty much at the all time low now. Anxiety aside I'm feeling quite depressed. Quite unlike I'm going to beat this, or die from sleep deprevation. Your post did indeed however make me smile. I wish I could enjoy it more. I just feel like an emotionless zombie.

Romeo - I showed them your post about clonidine. About what it helps. They agreed but thought it was too dangerous to prescribe. Absolutely sickens me. I'm so frustrated. I'm going to have to try the tv method. I want to just sit in a ball and cry all day. This lack of sleep is just become an absolute nightmare. Lunesta just got flushed down the toilet. I would rather buy a xanax off the street. Atleast they work. Albeit temporarily.

About to get ready for work. Absolutely the worst day so far emotionally. So disgustingly frustrated. So tired. My body is absolutely screaming how it wants to sleep but just cannot. I'm worried.

Thank you guys. Here is too better days ahead.


WTBF


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 7:30 am 
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Amber I wanted to thank you especially for the comment on one day I'll help others. I really appreciate it. I very much so hope that's the case. From the bottom of my heart -Thank you-.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 8:30 am 
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Wow. That doctor story is un-fucking-believable. Why in Gods name would they offer anyone with sleeplessness/anxiety/fever hydrocodone, let alone a recovering addict! And METHADONE!?! WTF is right. Good for you, sticking to your guns. Do you have any muscle relaxers like flexeril? The docs give them out like candy but they're pretty useless IMO (I got them for whiplash). But they totally knock most people out. My doc gave me Trazadone when I was in WD, but it really didn't help - flexeril and Robaxin on the other hand did put me to sleep.
I know you feel like crap, but it actually sounds like you're doing pretty good. You sound strong and determined. Keep up the good work.
Lilly


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 10:28 am 
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Hello Lilly,

Yeah I absolutely agree. That was the dumbest appointment I've ever been apart of. I really felt the sleep medication wasn't going to work and I knew I was just scamming myself 85 but I was desperate, for whatever reason to try SOMETHING.

I do not currently have any muscle relaxers, however I've got an appointment to see my primary's "nurse practictioner" which means I'm going to complain till I get something, that's tomorrow at 10:30am. I'm also hoping an appointment opens before then so I can get assistance sooner.

I appreciate the kind words, I've painted a somewhat Negative picture of day 8. It more so feels like, day 7 & 6. Maybe a little more exhaustion. Anxiety is completely bareable, yet annoying. I can't however stop yawning. And people think I've got SARS with how much I'm sneezing at work. Hah..

I feel like I'm missing apart of my childs life. Atleast I get some alone time with him today, I could use his little smiles and screams to put some type of human emotion back into me.

Break's over :(.

WTBF


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:01 am 
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Hey Andrew,

I'm at a complete loss for words now that I know you asked the doctor specifically for Clonidine and they turned you down, but instead offered you more opiates. That's one of the strangest things I've ever heard.

I was hesitant to say this to you earlier because I didn't want you to freak out on day 1 or day 2 of your wd, but I'm gonna tell you now that you are likely very close to peak wd from Suboxone. My wd peaked on night 9. Most people's wd seems to peak around day 7 - 9. Once your wd peaks, things will start to get better. You won't feel like dancing the cha-cha, but you won't feel quite as bad as you do now.

I understand exactly how you feel when you say you just wanna curl up in a ball and cry all day. I know it sucks feeling like that, but it's also perfectly normal to feel like that right now. Believe it or not, that's your brain trying to heal itself. Everything you're going through is part of the healing process.

Remember, pain is temporary. I know right now you're thinking this shit will never end or get better, but I'm here to tell you that you will get better. I promise!!

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 11:24 am 
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Hello Romeo,

I knew that they peaked around 7-9 (I saw you tell someone else, haha), I expected the peak to include alot more anxiety though. I thought with the lessoning of such intense symptoms that something was happening right. I'm assuming that's got to be what is happening. Day 9 starts tonight at 9, comically enough.

My own mom is actually my saving grace. Someone I've not told the full story too. Or that I've been chemically dependant on anything. That one, I feel is too close to home. I also have a video inspiring me not too. However, I've had her support in a different way. She thinks I've got a horrible Gastrointestinal flu. She also I found out set me up a doctors appointment with a real doctor today at 1:30PM.

It's a doctor that in the past Didn't wish to help me. So I'm a little nervous. I'm taking advil before I go today to keep my fever potentially down. I need something to help me sleep. I refuse to go back to the street to help with this. That's what got me here in the first place. It's too much pressure when you go buy a benzo and they offer 4 different kinds of opiates with your shopping bag. Kinda like my retard doctor last night.


I believe you Romeo. I really do. It's helped to keep me going. It's helped keep me sane throughout all of this. I went and read some of your own posts, as you've done mine. I wanted to learn more, know what a year from now or two would be like. I read about your controversys with a slip, I read about the one member with good intentions but a way too gun ho attitude and it kinda made me mad. I read the support you received. You deserved it. The controversy, not so much. I appreciate the support you give me even more because of it. I really do.


Pain Is Temporary, It may last a minute, an hour, or even a year. But eventually, it will subside. And something else will replace it.

Thank you buddy,


WTBF


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2013 3:43 pm 
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Success!! Got Clonidine and a fuck ton of anti depressants, xanax ( last two scripts going in the trash ). Romeo they say up to three times daily. My inner addict only heard take 3 at bedtime. :) what dose did you start on?


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