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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 5:29 pm 
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I'm sorry. Maybe it's because you're 22, but you're not getting it.

You can't even stand being around your infant in the evenings? Because you're a slave to your baby's crying and puking??? Welcome to parenthood!!!

And she's around this little sucker all day every day and you expect her to seek life enrichment and have a normal sex drive???

Babies are time sucking, energy sucking, unreasonable creatures! And when you become a parent you give yourself over to that for a time. The reward doesn't come until later. Your wife is putting the baby's needs ahead of her own because that's what good parents do. It doesn't last forever, but the first year of having a baby is all about sacrifice. You have to be as willing to sacrifice as she is. And yes, your sex life is part of that sacrifice.

Expecting your wife to be able to snap out of postpartum depression (which is a very real condition) is like expecting you to be able to snap out of being an addict. Did you overcome addiction in 5 months? Please, for your marriage's sake, stop thinking about yourself and your needs so much!

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 5:33 pm 
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WTBF
I didn't get that from your posts at all. I think you're being honest and what you're experiencing is very common. I don't fault you at all for feeling the way you do. But your wife's feeling and situation is also very normal too. That's all I'm trying to explain. Yours is a frustration, hers is a very real hormonal/ chemical reaction, among other things. I don't doubt you put her first and that you're a good dad, I'm just saying in this situation she especially deserves to come first. That's all.

My husband has already dealt with this. We've been through all kinds of stages in the last decade. We went from banging our brains out at 22 years old, high out of our minds for a couple years.. then to no sex for a while when I was on methadone. Then to switching to suboxone, I got sex drive back.. only to lose it again completely after a while on subs. Mind you, my husband never truly wanted on maintenance so he was always on a very small dose and never got the side effects that I had. He always had a healthy sex drive throughout our whole relationship. He's had to put up with my severe peaks and valleys and has handled it pretty well. There were times when he was frustrated but over time, and as we got older, he learned to be patient. I can tell you one thing, as I've gone into my 30s.. my sex drive is out of control. Sex is much more enjoyable now. So you have that to look forward to! :wink:


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 5:36 pm 
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Thanks Amy, that's what I wanted to say but held back.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 5:43 pm 
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Amy I deleted my reply. Feel free to message me if you want to address it. I hope you got to read it.


Last edited by WantToBeFREE on Thu Jan 31, 2013 6:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 5:51 pm 
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Hopefully you can get some good advice from some other guys/ fathers on this site who have been in your shoes and can relate.

Your last post indicates that there is a lot more going on here so obviously, something should be done. Maybe some counseling? Maybe some medication? Maybe a date night? All easier said than done. I hope you guys figure out how to make it better. You're dealing with an awful lot considering you guys are so young and new in your sobriety. This wouldn't be easy for anyone.

Colic babies are extremely hard. Even for stable, older women who have already raised babies. They need constant attention all day. Hang in there.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 5:59 pm 
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I take her out frequently. I spend more than I should. I create plenty of opportunitys to have fun.

We tried counciling already. We overall have an absolutely amazing relationship.

I'm deleting my previous post. I wanted to explain however.

Edit - The reason for the delete was not because it was vulgar or ignorant but more so I've put enough of my personal life out and wrote that while being emotional. It was meant for Tiny & Amy.

Anyhow yes please gentleman, provide me with your vast and useful knowledge on the subject.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 6:10 pm 
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I just think that all this is incredibly normal. What you're going through and what she's going through. It's a very constant theme among couples who've just had a baby. I think this is pretty normal in the first year.. I know it doesn't make the situation any easier but it just is what it is. I don't think there is any quick fix for it, unfortunately. A lot of couples don't make it past this period because of how stressful it is. You sound pretty supportive and loving of your wife, despite your frustrations. Don't take anything we've said the wrong way. I think Amy & I know just how hard it is to deal with wacky hormones and feeling like you have zero control of your own body. It's hard to explain to a guy.

Anyway, I will bow out so you can get some good, solid bro-advice.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 6:27 pm 
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I believe it Tiny. I can see where it looks bad on me. It's a vague question without putting everything out there. Rightly defended to a point.

I see where I'm seen as some heartless sex fiend & that's not the case. It's really not. It's a simple thing in the grand scheme that is annoying. It's important to me and her and I'm disgusted which out of the 530335583 SSRI she got prescribed.

Tiny I got to experience my own version of wacky hormones ( brain chemicals ) and bouts of massive depression the past 30 days. I'm not trying to be insensitive about it. Too bad my Paws hasn't started up. We could be miserable depressive people together.

The Baby Blues are frustrating. I just can't view sitting around and allowing him to eat at you all day would be of any benefit. I forced myself to get out and be active. I've forced her a few times and she explained she felt general improvment, and on those days I potentially would get lucky. ( Ahh Ahh you see the connection? ) BTW I'm not the only one getting lucky. She loves it too.

I'm frustrated because I cannot be your motivation 24/7. At some point you need to find that motivation inside. If being active makes you feel better than why not continue to be active?

She's told me when I'm home with her she feels normal, happy. Zoloft doesn't sound like the cure all to me.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 6:38 pm 
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Romeo where art thou


Lol


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 6:48 pm 
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^LOL - I know right? Where da boys be at, yo. I'm actually curious to hear other advice..

Here's a little tip.. Women have higher estrogen levels in the week or two before ovulating. Basically starting a week after their period give or take. This increases serotonin which naturally increases energy levels and sex drive. Maybe you can get her during this time? But if she is still breast feeding (is she?) she probably doesn't have her regular cycles back.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 7:47 pm 
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WTBF - I know you're waiting for the guys but...

I just wanted to say I really, really feel for both you and your wife. I remember what it felt like going off Sub - to have a high sex drive and be emotionally vulnerable at the same time. Being turned down at that point would have been extremely difficult to handle, and I was lucky enough to be at a place in my marriage where I didn't have to deal with it. I can imagine how you feel, and it's not good.

BUT... I also remember how I felt after having a baby. Especially a FIRST baby is an absolutely cataclysmic event, physically, psychologically and emotionally. You know that frustration you referred to when you're with the crying, puking baby? Imagine that the crying actually resulted in a physical, hormonal response that you couldn't control. Because that's exactly what is happening to your wife. That's why a baby can cry and the milk starts flowing, even though the body hasn't even been touched yet. It's a a series of chemical reactions - and even if she's not breastfeeding a lot of those reactions are still taking place.
And the "equipment" has taken a beating. Even though they say it's "ok" after 6 weeks, it can take months and months for things to really get back to normal.

Like others have said, the first year after having a baby is brutal. Making any judgements about the relationship at this time is a mistake. The baby is sucking every ounce of energy you have. Give BOTH of yourselves a break. This is not easy.

Is there anyone who can take the baby for a few hours? If so, don't plan a big date or night out. Just use the time to lie known together. Let her experience holding YOU her arms instead of the baby - without any big expectations. I know it's hard for you, in the state you're in, but especially if she's depressed you gotta let her ease back into things.

I wish both of you the best.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 8:26 pm 
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Lilly that was well written. I appreciate it. I'm going to reply more indepth when I can get mini man asleep. I might just message you though.

Thank-you!

Edit - Lilly I messaged you

Tiny - she is not breastfeeding, although that would of been nice based on the grand plus I've spent on formula ( A special, rather expensive kind is the only one he will eat, also..awesome)

I will try that tactic after her next period. She's actually on the opposite end of the cycle, towards starting a new one. What the Hell why not.

Thank you Tiny for all of the replies. I very much so appreciate it.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 1:09 am 
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HEY stranger!!!

GLAD to see you keeping your thread up!!!

and your doing GREAT by the way........

Look, I was just reading this tonight, cuz I wanted to check on ya.....

I can say that the WORST me and my husband's sex life was, was RIGHT AFTER THE BABY,,,,, yep for like a YEAR

I'll tell you one thing you have to LOOK FORWARD TO, though,
for some STRANGE REASON, when I turned 31,,,,,
it was like ON, in that "department"
LOL
Like,,, NEVER BEFORE,,,, and has been since,,, that's why I KNOW for a FACT with all this BS "sexual contact" allegations is bull,,,,
becuase our sex life NOW, is healthier than EVER BEFORE

so, i know it might be a ways off, in the future for you guys, but IT IS perfectly normal to have ups and downs,
and at least I can say from experience, the UPS are definitely WORTH the downs,,,,, LOL

but on a serious note, just be supportive, tell her nice things, be a nice guy, you'll get there,
eventually......
yes the hormones do suck,
and I remember feeling,,, like "Im someones MOMMY NOW"
and it was just WEIRD.

so anyways, your doing GREAT,,, things will get BETTER,,,, marriage is NO picnic but definitely worth the effort.

I guess I'm feeling a little better, seeing some light at the end of the tunnel,
even though its a sewage tunnel, there's some light way down there.

hang in there!!!!
I somehow am, SO I KNOW YOU CAN!!!

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 1:40 am 
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Haha Amber! Stranger Danger indeed! I'm going to write you a huge reply tomorrow when I'm not on the verge of passing out. Just seeing your name brightened my spirits!

A good night indeed :)


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 12:43 pm 
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Holy Smokes WTBF, I had no idea your thread exploded like this!!!

Dude, I hear ya on everything you're saying.....loud and clear. I think it's unfortunate that some here jumped so quickly on your wife's side and seemed to ignore your side of things. Your brain is in just as much a state of shock as your wife's is, why you're not getting much sympathy is beyond me. I don't agree with the whole "put your wife first" thing.....I think you guys need to all be first. By that, I mean you guys have to work out some kind of compromise.....a compromise where you and your wife and your baby all get what they need.

Look, I'd like to respond more here on the open forum, but because of some of the posts I've read here, I'm not gonna do it. I'll PM you with more of my thoughts on the subject.

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 1:12 pm 
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^ this guys right on the money.

Lets look at this logically: if you don't put yourself first, and don't take care of yourself, how in gods name could you ever take care of someone else?

Meaning if you don't do what YOU need to do for YOURSELF, in order to stay clean, and most importantly, be happy.....if you don't have those things, relapse is around the corner. And if you relapse, then you cannot do much for anyone else anyway.

This is why we need to put ourselves first. If we don't, then we are sacrificing our own quality of life, and therefore those we "help" will suffer as a result as well.

I mean think about it logically again: if you're not doing everything you must do to stay clean and off the opioids, and are instead devoting everything to another person, not only will you risk relapsing because you're not doing what you need to do to NOT relapse, but you also will become reliant on them for your own quality life and happiness.

Take the example of someone who uses their kids as an excuse to not go to detox or rehab (when they need it). "Oh I cannot go to a 28 day program, my kids will miss me too much..." Really? Your kids wont miss you if you stay in active addiction? Your kids won't mind if you're not clean as long as you're home and around them? Thats our brains trying to convince us logically to not do what we need to do, despite it being totally illogical. This is one example of this train of thought being nothing more than self-deception. This is nothing more than the addict portion of our brains trying to trick us again.

If we don't "keep our side of the street clean", how can we expect to clean the rest?

In short: we've all gotta take care of ourselves first. Take care of yourself, take care of your well being, or it is impossible to take care of others.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 2:15 pm 
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Bravo AlmostDone. Bravo.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 2:39 pm 
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Almost Done - I understand the idea of making sure your own basic needs are met first to be whole for other people in your life but this particular need we are talking about is 100% dependent on taking from someone else. This is something his wife is having a hard time with right now. So at what point do you disregard a loved one's feelings to make sure your own needs are met? And I hope his recovery is not hanging on how much sex he gets. He seems to be in a good place right now. Relationships are about compromise and the ebb and flow of sexual activity is something continues on.

I do agree with Romeo's post that comprise is a good place to start. But the stress that having a baby causes to the female body is just something that has to be taken into account.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 3:13 pm 
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He was just pushing the point that you cant put anything ahead of your recovery. Not your wife. Not anything. Because if you relapse or start using again....what good is your "help" anyways?


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2013 3:16 pm 
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We cant live like the rest of the world. We arent normal....nor will we ever be normal.


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