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 Post subject: Coke Problems
PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 5:52 am 
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Hi,

So after starting suboxone a couple months ago, I was able to stay clean for 60 days! Except...recently I've relapsed pretty hard on cocaine. It hasn't been a problem with me since summer '10, but now I can't seem to stay away from the shit. I know a couple good dealers and I'm out around town every day for college classes, so I always get drawn into a deal before heading home, or later in the evening I pull something out of my ass. At first it was just a little fun, now it's stupid. It's either crack or coke, both used IV, both cheap for me. I don't have a job right now so I've been selling some suboxone or whatever else I can to make some spending cash, but it somehow always turns into powder.

I haven't been using any other drugs lately and obviously suboxone is saving my life right now by keeping me away from opioids, but I don't know what to do. Since classes started for me a couple weeks ago, my schedule is making it really difficult to get to a meeting without spending $10/day on gas. I want to just stay home but then I realize I'm broke and go out and try to flip some dope for cash, get all wrapped up in the game again and I'm just in a messy situation I guess. My parents don't really know, and I'm living with them. Starting tomorrow today I want to be done, but I said that to myself LAST night too. It makes me so depressed and feeling awful afterwards too!

I feel so terrible about myself though, which is the biggest issue for me. I can't get myself back up and on track, and I feel worthless at the moment that I'm back to doing shit like this trying to convince myself it's okay. I quit using because I was tired of being sick and angry every day of my life. Staying clean made me a real person again and I loved it, but we all love drugs too and I just can't kick it. This is probably a dumb thread anyway but I just need help! Sorry.



Thanks


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 6:51 am 
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I'm so sorry to hear you're going through active addiction all over again. I can hear the desperation in your words and know you want to quit, but we all know how hard that can be. Please try not to feel so bad about yourself. I'm a firm believer in that the worse we feel about ourselves, the more we just don't care when and how long we use. And you certainly aren't the only one to end up cross-addicted. So try to ease up on yourself. Remember that you stopped opiates and keep telling yourself you can stop tweaking, too. (I know, WAY easier said than done, right?) I wish I had more to suggest to you on that front.

I would, however, advise you to get an addiction counselor ASAP. I think that would be the best route to go to help you figure this out. Could you be trying to stifle your own emotions? A counselor can help with that.

Finally, there are theories that addiction has a genetic component. I would suggest you find the thread that is titled, "What is Addiction" and read it and the accompanying articles. Knowledge is power. I think you need to understand your motives for this.

Again, I wish I could say some magic words to help you out of this quickly, but alas I do not. Hang in there though, you CAN do this. And go find that addiction counselor.

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-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 9:02 am 
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I think Hatmaker gave some good advice. I think you already know what you need to do for the most part. You need to put as much energy into your recovery as you do your addiction. So when you start thinking you will get out there and trade drugs for cash or whatever it is that ends you up in trouble, ask yourself what different thing you could be doing to get back into recovery.

Really, you only have to get yourself to one meeting and then share that you are having a problem with gas money to get there and connect yourself with some rides. You know many people would help you.

I wish you success in getting rid of the coke.

Cherie

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:02 am 
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Your situation illustrates why simply stopping drug use is only the tip of the iceberg. Being abstinent for a time only gets us to the starting line. For me, there were a whole list of drugs that "were never a problem".....yet! I hope you use this relapse as a learning experience.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 11:20 am 
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cwake,

This most certainly is NOT a dumb thread. You had the balls to come clean with all of us and that is never easy to do!

The exact issues that you're having are the reasons that were here, to help and support and offer advice when we can. I'm glad you posted becasue I too fell into the coke/crack thing a couple of times while on suboxone. Feeling like a pile of shit after I used and feeling even more dumb that I would use again the next day!! I don't have any super advice for you though. I know I was where you are and it somehow cleared up, don't remember how or why though. I did work with an addiction counselor during my time on sub, so I'm sure he helped give me some guidance.

One thing that popped into my mind when I read your post was this, I read a study a while back that summarizes as follows. The addict brain, especially in younger people, will always underestimate the power of the drug they are considering while at the same time their brain will overestimate their control over that drug. I remember being there many, many times. Maybe knowing that your brain is setting you up for failure will help?

Don't ever feel dumb for posting. Hell, just look at some of my stupid ass posts from around the forum and you should never feel bad about posting again!! :lol:


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 2:56 pm 
This is not a dumb thread but there are some dumb behaviors listed. Dude dont sell your subs and shooting crack? Thats bad news unless you are dissolving into lemon juice or something acidic like Ive seen people do before. Not advocating drug use at all but dude dont shoot crack just smoke it if you insist on using. I would get off coke ASAP that is way worse for you in the long run physicaly than opiates, probably mentaly as well. What you said about you cant go to meetings because of the 10$ in gas it costs just think to yourself "how much am I gonna spend on coke/crack tonight if I dont go to a meeting" and I guarantee it will end up being way more than 10$. I hope you dont get offended by what I said because I did plenty of stupid shit when I was in active addiction Im just out of the fog finaly so I can see how sick I realy was. I hope you can find some help man.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 8:24 am 
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Hi all, thanks for the replies.

I wanted to clear up a couple details first off. Before my relapse, I was attending 1-2 NA meetings per day, so I am well aware that simple abstinence will not make you magically better.

@SuboxOWNED - The coke that I get in my small town (pop 5000, nearest larger city is 30+ minutes in any direction) is $80/gram and decent quality, meaning it gets me really high when I snort it, but does nothing IV. Therefore, I go into the nearby city and pick up a crack rock because there is a lot more pure cocaine in there not to mention everything in that city is just better quality anyway. I then use a bit of lemon juice or vinegar on top of the rock in the spoon then heat until dissolved. After that I add a touch of water, stir it up a bit, and do the deed. It's better than any cocaine powder IV high/rush that I've gotten and it's cheaper too. Just thought I would clear up why I prefer IV rock over powder.



Anyway, since my posting of this thread, I've been attending meetings daily again, confessed to my hard relapse, and have been clean since. I have my own medication to trade or ways to get money for cocaine, but I have been able to tell myself NO! lately, so I am quite proud. I have vowed to at least be clean of all street (powder, rock) drugs from now on. Meaning, I'm allowed to take my precribed medications like my suboxone and benzo for anxiety. That way, I know my pills are made under strict standards and I know exactly what is in each one of them. I don't buy pills off my friends or dealers anymore because 95% of the time, their offerings are opioids, which I can't and don't want to take due to suboxone. I also haven't had a drop of alcohol in over 4 months, and I don't plan on having one ever again. I actually was given some 10/325 norcos by my friend the other night and I ended up trading them for a couple 72-hr 75mcg/hr fenatanyl patches, by suggestion of my other friend. I ended up trading the patches for some blow for my friend since she wanted it for her birthday, and I got a few xanax pills for myself in the deal, no biggie.


That's all for now! thanks!


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 8:37 am 
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Thanks for the update. I'm glad to hear you're doing better. Just please be careful dealing with people who sell opiates and whatnot. It places you in a precarious position, one that puts you at a higher risk of relapse. Your friends who are giving you opiates or who are asking you to get some for them should know you're on suboxone and in recovery and in my opinion shouldn't be putting you in the middle like that. I would hope a good friend would respect your recovery/remission more than that.

I know it's really hard to cut those people out of your life, but maybe it's time to consider that? In any event, if it was me, I would, at the very least, have a serious talk about it with them, asking them to leave me out of all of their deals. You need to protect your recovery/remission with as much determination and gusto as you did when getting your DOC.

I wish you the best and hope you continue to do better. KUDOS to you. Keep up the good work.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 9:59 am 
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You are buying and trading drugs and you call it "no biggie"? Pardon me for pointing it out, but it doesn't sound to me like you are "doing well".


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