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 Post subject: Codependency
PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:24 am 
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Codependency is something I'm learning more about. I find it fascinating. I would like to find a forum that addresses this issue more. If not here, can anyone make a suggestion? Thanks in advance for any help.


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PostPosted: Thu May 14, 2009 12:55 am 
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I'm interested in discussions about codependency. My partner is an opiate addict. He had many years of clean time, but relapsed about 2 years ago. He's been off and on suboxone for more than a year, and he's struggling lot.

I have been attending Al-anon meetings and reading some Al-anon & codependency literature. Al-anon is for family and friends of alcoholics, and a lot of the same principles apply for the friends and family of other sorts of addicts. There are Nar-anon (for family of drug addicts) groups and meetings in some towns, but none in my city.

Meetings, reading, and attempting to work the 12 steps have all been really helpful to me, given me a lot of healthier ways of looking at things, remind me to take care of myself and not focus all of my energy on the addict. It's all too easy to try to jump in and control the addict's behavior. Of course, you can't really control somebody else, so then you get resentful and angry. None of that stuff helps you or the addict. And when you live with an addict, you have to get yourself some strong clear boundaries and stick with 'em.

I have found about a zillion blogs written by folks in recovery, people in active addiction, and the friends and families of addicts. I am addicted to reading them. You can learn a lot from other people sharing their struggles. I am a member of another online forum, The Junkies' Wives Club. sometimes there's good info there, but mostly, for me, it's good for feeling some comradarie. I have a hard time talking to my own family and friends about my partner's addiction and its impact on my life, so JWC is nice because I can connect with women who have a lot of the same experiences as me, with no shame or stigma or judgment.


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 Post subject: wife of an addict
PostPosted: Thu Sep 17, 2009 9:46 pm 
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Man...I never thought i would be posting on this. I am looking for someone who is further ahead in this eternal journey to talk to. I am so lost right now. I can't get out of my head ...i am stuck in a zone everyday where i think of my husband dying..i am checking our bank accnt everyday and making him bring home receipts to make sure he didn't take out cash when he went to the grocery store because for the life of me i can't imagine how he spent 1100 at the grocery store last month. when he tells me he isn't taking them anymore i want to believe him..and i do but I don't want to be naive either.

when someone stops taking opiates, when do they start looking normal again. When do they start acting normal again. My husband has lost 20 lbs, looks pale..and sometimes even yellow... he has supposedly quit taking pills for a few months now. Why does he still look so bad. is it because he is still taking. Is there home drug tests i can give him? what can i do. Man i am full of questions and don't know where to begin. it took me forever to find a website like this..and when i did it took me forever to figure out how to read current blogs and actually respond to them.

so lost. need to be found.

lynn


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 2:24 am 
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Hey Lynn - I'm glad you found us. I am an addict in recovery, but I have also had issues with codependency, so I relate to where you are right now.

I really recommend The Junky's Wives Club: http://jwclub.ning.com/ Go there and sign up for an account. They have a fourm, similar to this, but it is for the partners/family members of addicts. They are good people.

You can also check out http://thesecondroad.org/tsr There are a couple of bloggers there - The Junky's Wife and MPJ - who are in recovery for codependency. They are online "friends" of mine and are really good people.

Naranon and Alanon are good resources when you're dealing with someone elses addiction and how it effects you.

You can't fix your husband. It's not your job to fix your husband. You can make yourself crazy trying to police his addiction or fix him or whatever but you can't do anything to change him. The only person you can change is yourself. The links I gave you above will help you figure out what you can do for yourself. Best of luck.

_________________
You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.

-Jack Kornfield


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2009 6:38 pm 
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My situation has gotten a lot better since I posted last. Things have been pretty rough, but now it's better and better. I honestly had a huge turning point within myself, made some good, healthy decisions, set healthier boundaries, and most importantly, I quit trying to control my partner (the junkie)'s behavior.

It was abundantly clear that my attempts to control him weren't working, so I decided to take a good hard look at my own behaviors. I made a list of every way in which i was enabling my partner to use. This included things like me paying all of the bills (because he spent all of his money on drugs). I told him that he could not continue to live here without paying his share of the bills. He even agreed that it was a fair rule.

When push came to shove, he tried to weasel out of coughing up money for bills, and he ended up leaving for a few days. he came back determined to take his suboxone and not use heroin. He has a great sponsor and a half dozen or so AA/NA buddies who are all clean and sober, and he called on them for support. They actually took turns babysitting him for the first few days. He had a couple of slips in August, but he has 30 days clean today. (BTW, I consider him "clean and sober" if he's not using other drugs or alcohol but taking suboxone as it is prescribed to him). Both of us are taking it one day at a time, and we're so grateful for suboxone and for 12 Step programs.

I wish that I had been able to accept the Alanon/Nar-anon ideas sooner, and if I could go back in time, I would have taken steps sooner to separate my finances from my partner's. We don't have kids or co-own property together, so it's simpler for us to separate our bank accounts and finances. Having control over my own money (and him NOT having access to MY money) made me feel safer and more willing to let go of playing policeman and being obsessed with checking up on him. When he didn't come up with bill money, my plan was to rent out our extra room and let him fend for himself. Now he's contributing to our household costs, and for the last couple of months, financially we're like the national recession--not getting better, but it's stopped getting worse.

Lynn, the most important thing you can do is to find some support--Al-anon, Nar-anon, online groups like Junkies' wives Club and this forum (please come back!), and counseling or family therapy if it's available to you---to take care of YOU. It can really take its toll, living with an addict. The constant stress is hard on your mind, body, and spirit. It sounds like you've been through a lot; maybe it's time to put yourself first.

Wishing you the best.


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 Post subject: one day at a time
PostPosted: Tue Sep 22, 2009 8:55 am 
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thank you both for your thoughts! i am going to look for a group to join. He just started suboxone yesterday..well actually subulet or something like that b/c he still has oxy in his system and if he takes the suboxone too soon there is a deterrent in it that will make him feel worse. In about a week he will be on suboxone.

I feel a sense of relief b/c i can stop thinking i am going crazy that our money is just disappearing and trying to talk myself into believing his stories of what he spent the money on.

The sad part about this all is that we just started a family so i am dealing with this and a newborn. sigh! bad timing but i guess its a curveball that life has thrown at me and I am just going to have to change who i am and deal with it. I am being a supportive wife and not giving attitude or throwing the past (yesterday) at him b/c that won't do any good and may cause him to relapse if i show him how hurt and angry I am. I gave him one good venting session and told him that was the last he would hear about it but needed to get out.

I will check into the other website. Just doing this makes me feel better and helps me with living one day at a time!


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 1:54 pm 
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I know from my own experience, that while I was using nobody noticed. Yet when I stopped everyone immediately thought something was wrong, and that is because withdrawling really takes a toll on your health. I lost about 10-15 lbs myself in about 3 days of W/Ding. The people I lived with thought something was seriously wrong, and I wasn't addressing my addiction correctly, I relapsed, then everyone thought, oh, he got better. But it takes a long time, luckily though with Suboxone he shouldn't have such a hard time nor get sick like that. Thats one of the wonders of the drug, you have an appetite and can stay healthy, which makes you positive enough to stick with it and quit eventually. So don't always think because he looks bad he isn't trying, maybe he is just w/ding from not doing anything at all.


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