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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 9:24 pm 
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Well, so here I am sort of relieved and even surprised. I had a VERY VERY close call and almost did a relapse. Heres the story: I have been tapering pretty steady since Sept. I started my taper at 4 mg. I am now down to .25 in the morning and half of that in the evening. SOOOOO I have been having thoughts of using. I ended up getting what I think is a stomach flu however it feels like withdrawl. Typically I do NOT experience abdominal/intestinal discomfort after I taper. For some wicked reason this triggered me into drug seeking behavior. I made a call to a very flakey and drugged out relative of mine. She confirmed and I gave her cash for 3g's. Well that was 24 hrs ago and I still have not heard back from her. (she is my neighbor) I have been agitated, pissed off, sick and even refrained from dossing (but not for long) Long story short, as I have gone thru the gammut of feelings I went online and done a bunch of reading about relapse and using and even read hours on this very forum. I AM SO GLAD that druggy ***** has not brought my shit to me. Lol.. I know I am not out of the water yet. HOWEVER, I already made a plan of what I am going to do if she actually does come thru.
Plan A) Tell her to keep the shit & refund my $$$. (yeah right shes a druggie)
Plan B) Immediately take it to a very very good friend of mine and have him get rid of it for me. (I do kinda want my $$$ back)
Plan C) I will prolly never hear from that druggie ***** again and if this is the case, I am more than willing to take the high road (not literally) and chalk it up to GOOD LUCK.
Honestly, I went thru so much in my mind. I even had dreams of using. I am so HAPPY that I have not relapsed. I mean I know know that I would feel like shit and It would have ruined all the hard work I have put in for all this time. I know & believe, all the things I should know and I am relieved. TRULY relieved that I did not score. I know she will eventually contact me as we are cousins and she lives next door. I really do want my $$$ back especially since I let her borrow money in the past and never got paid back, but if I never see the $$$ again I will consider it A CHEEP lesson learned, WELL worth every penny. So I am greatful she is such a lousy relative and at the same time I am sure she was in some "despirate" situation as all druggies are. I mean who friggen knows and I am CONFIDANT , more CONFIDANT that ever before that I do NOT WANT TO be a drug addict anymore. (actively that is) I do not want the come down, I do not want to be broke, I do not want to become a recluse, I do not want to be a feind, I do not want to be in HELL, I do not want to associate with loosers, I DO NOT want to use heroin and become that person again. It is ugly.
I want to be healthy, I want to be positive, I want to be responsible, I want to be a good person, I want to be a good parent I want to be a good girlfriend/wife/partner... I want to pay my debt, I want to go on vacations, I want to look & feel good, I want to be stable, I want to be productive, I want to be successful, I want to be loved......I can't have any of that if I am using....Thank the heavens above for places like this forum...and those of you on it......


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 10:31 pm 
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GOOD FOR YOU,,,,,
I just really hope your mind IS set, and your not still trying to talk yourself out of it.....

Please, for your sake, dont give in to your addiction......


GOOD JOB, so far though!!!!!!!!!!!
for me whenever my mind was 'made up' to use, that was IT, i was....
so Im glad you were ablt to turn that around....

DONT GIVE UP
make a list in your head of all the reasons you DONT wana relaps, and all the consequences that could come from your actions

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That's TRUE STRENGTH
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 10:41 pm 
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Hi Sweet,

Please, please don't be offended by what I'm about to say, but I believe you're full of crap right now.....or should I say, your addiction is having a field day with you right now and it is firmly in control. You're telling us exactly what you think we want to hear, but having been exactly where you are myself, not that long ago, I can see how your addiction is in control right now.

I did the exact same thing you did about two months ago, I had a close call, I came on here and posted about it and two or three days later I relapsed.

Have you ever heard the saying, "A relapse starts long before the drug use, using drugs is just the last component of a relapse?" I know it's true for me. Search your thoughts and be completely honest with yourself.....how long have you been contemplating using again? You most certainly do not have to answer that publicly on the forum, I just want you to think about it for yourself and for your own well-being. Learning to recognize those thoughts as soon as they start and learning to shut that door on a relapse very early on is the best way to avoid it.

What you just posted is EXACTLY why I asked you on that other thread about your plans for recovery. Recovery is much more than not using drugs. Using drugs is only part of our sickness Sweet.

I hope you understand that I say none of this to hurt you or to embarrass you, I say it all because I do NOT want to see you relapse. I want to see you recover and live a long and happy life.

Please forgive me if I have offended you. Having been exactly where you are right now scares me for you.

BTW, call your cousin and tell her to keep the dope AND the money. Your sobriety is much more important than $50 or $100 or $1000.

AND, Amber hit the nail on the head, once I made up my mind to use, it was game over. The door to a relapse is wide open right now, it is hard as HELL to shut it again, it's almost fucking impossible. Dig deep and you can do it though!!! I believe you can do it Sweet!!!

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 10:48 pm 
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Girlfriend, I just dosed my evening suboxone. YES!!!! My cousin texted me a bit ago and I texted her back saying that I hooked up w/ a friend and Im all good. It felt GREAT! So now she said she will buy the 3 g's off of me. Good for me. (I am still not holding my breath.) I DO NOT WANT to get fucked up on H. My reasons run miles deep. The main reason is, I know the law of attraction. Like attracts like. I do NOT want a G' DAMN Druggie no more... THANK YOU DEEPLY AND KINDLY Amber411 for the encouraging words. I stopped using (for the most part) for 15 years with NOTHING & NO help or support (except my kids) I can do it again. and I am.... Lots of love...& blessings too


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:07 pm 
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Hey Sweet, I just now saw your latest post, GOOD JOB!!! But you're still not out of the woods yet.

If you're anything like me, a close call like that is gonna screw with your mind for a few days still. You gotta be strong, especially over the next few days.

I'm so glad that you're cousin ageed to buy the 3 g's off of you, that's good......and if she doesn't come through with the money then just let it go. It'll serve as a good lesson for you.

Again, I apologize if I offended you with my previous post, but the stakes were just too high for me not to speak my mind.

Peace Dude!!

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:39 pm 
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Hey Rome, I appreciate your words and take absolutely NO offense what so ever. I know I could at any point give in and ride the horse. Right now, I am amazed and shocked at myself. I am 100 % true and real as the day is light I have not used in 7 months and I am still clean. (on subox) YES I have contemplated using, [b]lots and lots[/b].. I truly believe that seeing my cousin and watching the way she has acted and behaved HELPED me in more ways than I can count. I do not know, honestly when the turn around came. I guess lastnight when I was waiting for her to call and i was watching a movie w/ my youngest son. (3000 miles to Graceland, great flick) I was clearly agitated I even think my son could feel it. I kept thinking and thinking. I was sick to my stomach I had all kinds of emotions and feelings going on. I just kept seeking ways to avoid a relaps on the internet and found many great sites I read for a few hours, took my subox and xanax, slept great, woke up still thinking about using, but at some point i just decided I am NOT going to use. All my agitation went away, my tummy started feeling better, I just kept improving and as the day went on I felt more and more strong that I do not want to use. I really don't. I guess I could allow my mind to go "there" but I already know the outcome. i am always telling my kids & their friends that NOTHING good ever came from using. NOW I believe it! I am doing really good these days and I remember not long ago I was in a living hell and wanted so bad to get out of it and that is when i went on subs. Believe me, I know I could change my thoughts and choices will follow, but at this moment and even though I know the shit is right down the hall, I am confident. Maybe it is because I dosed, but I dosed after I got the call. I took my sub as an added insurance, i guess you could say. i also started to feel guilty because my son is here and I have had a hard time dealing with my relationship issues with my 2 other teens. I know if I used it will COMPOUND those already crappy feelings and a whole lot more. A few things happened today. I am NOT religeous AT ALL. Yet, I asked God to give me strength (half ass) If you go back and read any of my posts, I have NEVER once refered to God or any real religeous term. SO maybe it is a sign, I do not know. another thing that happened , I have a friend that intoduced me to subox, & she called me after I had made a coment on facebook. I guess she read between the lines. She is 10 years older than me and looks like hell and acts still fu**ed up even though she is clean. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT in 10 years. Even though I think she is beautiful inside and out. My cousin is just 23 and looks like death warmed over. Well, DEATH.. I am gonna be 40 in just over a week. I look pretty damed good. I am making great money right now, my bills are slowly buy surely getting paid off. I am IN A GREAT spot right now. I am not gonna let this sick shit get the best of me. NOT NOW! The other thing that occured today was the man I love and have loved for a very long time texted me to tell me he is in love with me, never stopped and that he wanted to take me to dinner on my 40th birthday. (not like him at ALL) So, for now the switch is off. I just do not wanna go there. I DO APPRECITE and I will BEWARE absolutely 100% no doubt about it. I will surround myself with clean and sober people and I will even admit to my closest friends what has occured. That always helps me behave & be accountable. I am just thankful that I am good right now. I just had pizza w/ my kid. I have not even wanted to smoke my weed and I have a shit ton just sitting here. So for whatever reason I am at this moment free from desire... I guess miracles do exsist........... Blessiongs to ALL and especially to you guys that are sending me encouraging words....THANKS


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:34 am 
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I feel so much better after reading your last post. You sound like you really do get it.

It took me F.O.R.E.V.E.R. to get it. After each relapse I had, I thought I understood what was going on, but then I'd fall on my face again.....apparently, I wasn't getting it. I believe I understand my relapses a lot better now and it sounds like you have a pretty good grasp on yours too. That's very encouraging to hear. Continuing to be honest with yourself and a few select friends is great, it does keep us accountable. I firmly believe in "telling on my addiction", it's humbling, that's for sure, but so necessary too.

I'm glad the man you love contacted you and offered to take you out for your 40th birthday. I hope things go well and most of all, I hope y'all have great sex that night!!! :lol:

I understand you're not religious and with you not being religious, it really impresses me that you asked God for help. You knew you were in a bad spot and you reached out for help. WOW, you just taught me a great lesson.....I let my pride get in the way of me reaching out and asking for help. Dang it, how did you just turn the tables on me?? LOL

I really appreciate this forum and its members too, I try to help others as I can, but I also receive so much.....it's awesome!!

One day at a time Sweet.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 1:07 am 
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YES........ONE DAY AT A TIME,,,,
Im a firm believer although, I always thought it was BS before the 'realm' of recovery.....

Im so happy to hear you are 'ok'
hell, your better than ok, sounds like your doing EXTREMELY FREAKING AWESOME

so Im 'keeping it short'

and supporting you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hang in there girl,,,,you're gonna be alright

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:33 pm 
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Thanks guys for the positive vibes. I woke up early immediately took my subox as usual. (insurance) My cousin has been texting, wants to give my $$$ back and have coffee.(yeah right skeeming druggy behavior) It is funny as hell because we do not communicate often at all. She burned me nearly a year ago when I was helping her out in a BIG way. Course we were both using and it severed our relationship. We had been very close for many many years. (always using together) Anyway I have no plans to have coffee with her. I will at best get my cash and go shopping with it. Lol But she thinks I have a connection right here where we live, so I know she will be bugging me endlessly to get her some shit. (when she runs out)Of course I have deleted all my contacts months ago and I haven't the slightest idea where to score. (thank GOD or I would have already) I mean the good thing in all of this is that my cousin is a major flakey drugged out kid. (sad for her yes..very sad) If she wasnt I would have used. Her being gone for 24+ hrs (with my $$$) gave me time to thing about what I was about to do. Now THAT was a BLESSING in disguise.
I realise what triggered my thoughts of using. I have been tapering and feeling like crap for a long time. Then caught a stomach bug that felt an awful lot like withdrawl. I am ready to be OFF subox and back to normal. I do have a question. I was wondering what ya all do when you are in my situation. How do YOU avoid relapse? What method do you all use to keep from allowing the addiction to get the best of you? Besides the obvious, taking your SUBOX. Im just curious for future reference, cuz I know its gonna come up from time to time.. Thanks & blessings..It is a beautiful day.....


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:41 pm 
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16-

Keep in mind that you might be dealing with increased cravings, too. That could be contributing to your close call. As for dealing with said cravings and triggers, I hope you don't mind me sharing an idea with you. I gave a friend a couple of workbooks I had and were finished with. I've recommended them a few times to people on this site, but I don't think (for whatever reason) anyone has used them. They are addiction/recovery workbooks that you can use, answer questions, and write in. They work with YOUR own answers to help you to identify your own personal triggers and helps you to make up plans to put into place for you to follow the next time a trigger unique to YOU happens.

I have found them so helpful. You can pick them up at any of the larger bookstores. I can't recommend them enough. They are NOTHING like the AA/NA big book or anything like that. Dealing with triggers and cravings and giving you the tools to deal with them - that's what they are about. So you can handle these things on your own.

Good luck and keep up the good work.

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 1:17 pm 
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Thanks Hat, I would very much like to know what the books are called. I am more than willing to learn more about myself and my triggers. I know I am no where cured and as I mentioned I do want to remain free from using. I have come a long way and I have my eye on the prize (happiness) I appreciate your advise. I know the low dose of subox that I am on will not cover the cravings so I am gonna have to actually do some work and be strong. Luckily for me that is in my personality. Strong and determined. I know that there are things I have yet to discover about my addiction and recovery. Any tool available I am going to use. I have never been a NA/AA kinda person. Have a beautiful day!!!!


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 1:24 pm 
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I just posted a new thread in the Personal Approaches section about those workbooks. The one i got and would recommend is only available on Amazon as a Kindle book though, but I got it at the bookstore.

That book is: http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Your-A ... 25&sr=8-10

At least this will give you the name of one of the books I used and the author's name. I also had another one and I can get the name of it and post back.

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-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 9:57 pm 
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Still strong and and making HUGE progress........ I have been getting some anxiety past few days. (obviously) Going back to bikrams yoga tonight. Gonna get some stuff out. I have not got my money back from the cousin, but I did get a $200.00 tip today from a client........outta the blue.........I thanked "God" again............Its been a great lesson and inspration these past events. I really am believing that everything is perfect, always..........


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2012 7:37 pm 
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In my honest opinion, you are no where near being 100% sub free. Look what you just went through and you still want to get off the subs all together? Not a good idea. Your addiction to me seems to still be in control. I dont know if you have been in a treatment facility before but they say you need to change people,places,and things. You living right next to a using cousin is a bad thing. Another reason to stay on subs. Work on yourself and dont worry about the subs right now.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2012 8:27 pm 
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Thanks you kindly. I appreciate your concearn & advise. I have been working on myself and I feel stronger than ever! I really did have a "light bulb moment." I am very very blessed and thank goodness I am smart enough to recieve the lesson intended. BTW~ Got my money back and the stuff was staring me right in the face. DIDNT PHASE me in the slightest... Now thats powerful stuff........


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:35 pm 
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Hey sweet,

I'm glad you got your money back and I'm glad you were able to stare down "the stuff", that's great!! If I were you, I wouldn't put myself in that situation too many more times though, all it takes is a moment of weakness.

I'm super happy you had the light bulb moment and that you were open enough to learn from it. Actually, I'm more than super happy, I am WAY impressed. Good job dude!!

Stay strong and stay focused.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2012 12:02 am 
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Hey Sweet,,
Im glad your hanging in there,,,,,,hangin on to the wagon,,,even if you were dangling off the side for a nite!!!!! :lol:
thats a joke!!! hope ya laughed

Anyways, my therapist had me printout some 'trigger worksheets' off the internet in one of my first appointments....
its kind of like what hat mentioned (I think) except, you can get these for FREE (bonus!)
ANYWAYS, its off the 'smart recovery' website....... smartrecovery.org and go to 'toolbox' theres a huge list of worksheets, the one you want is 'dealing with triggers'

hope that helps.....

and as for me,,,, the worksheets have helped remind me of my reasons that I quit using in the first place. sometimes we forget where we 'came from'.......if you remember back to how miserable you were (IWAS) in active addiction, I think it helps to keep you from 'going the wrong way'

I still get bad urges, I dont know if theyre craving or not, but theyre definitely hard to deal with
the first thing I do is think about all the stuff I just mentioned, and think about everything I would lose, if I used ONE more time......
if that doesnt help,,,,,,,I call someone, or go see someone thats a positive influence in my life, and I even tell them 'im having a hard time today''
this has helped me more than anything else.....
because the important people in my life (theres only a couple left) really love me and really want me to stay healthy. they like having 'amber' back.......
so whoever I decide to talk to, usually does a pretty good job of encouraging me!! I hope you have someone like that,, at least one person.....I even talk to my three yr old son sometimes. I just tell him Im feeling sad,,,,,and his hugs,,even though theyre small, feel soooooo big, and warm my heart, somethimes thats all I need, and the urges go away.....becuase I wouldnt be able to feel that anymore if I was using.....

another good website is soberrecovery.com and they have live chat 24/7 so if noones availible to talk to in your 'circle' you could always sign on there and talk........Ive done it before......theres ALWAYS someone in the chat room.....thats what its there for!!!

just remember your not 'bothering ' anyone,,,,,if your having urges, you gotta get it off your chest....
anythings better than going back to that shit storm,,,,rite????????????

OKAY,,,,,,hope I helped in some small way at least.....
you can always talk to me,,,,,you wont find any judgement here

good luck,,,,,,,,,,,,,,keep fightin' 8) :? :) :D :( :o

_________________
anyone can give up,
its the easiest thing in the world to do, but to
hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
That's TRUE STRENGTH
http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2012 11:12 am 
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Hey sweet,

I meant to mention this earlier, but it slipped my mind. Being sick is a huge trigger for me too. I mean, why would I want to put up with being sick when I know I can "cheat" my way through it by getting high? It doesn't make a cold or flu go away any quicker, but you don't feel near as crappy as ya would. It took me a while to get my head wrapped around the fact that the rest of the population gets sick and doesn't use opiates to deal with it (my wife impressed that upon REAL good!)

Another thing I've noticed is that if I even bonk my toe, my first reaction is, "OMGawd, I NEED OPIATES TO CONTROL THIS MASSIVE PAIN FROM WHERE I JUST BONKED MY TOE!!" Meanwhile, there's no REAL pain there....it's just my brain thinking it just won the lottery by "injuring" myself, so now I can legally get high!!! Yeah, you're gonna wanna watch out for that too.

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