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PostPosted: Fri Aug 16, 2013 10:22 pm 
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Hello, and God bless you for being here. I am new to this forum, but as I have been on Suboxone for almost 4 years, I should have been here before now. But of course, I can handle it all myself, what do I need meetings for? What do I need a forum for? That stuff is for weak people. Not me.

Anyway here I am 4 years into sobriety, crawling to a forum for help...I feel like such a loser right now.

I feel like a loser because I have been on a 8mg dose daily for a while now, but about 6 months ago I started taking more than that per day...which of course doesnt end well, as you run out sooner than you can get it. So I would end up going a day to a week without any meds, and of course not feel so well.

So, I don't know when it was, but I decided I didn't want to go through that anymore, but instead of telling my doctor and working with him, I tried to find more suboxone from other sources.

Long story short, I ramp up to taking more suboxone, 12mg, 16 mg, 24mg a day...because I could, only to go through the same horrific cycle....running out of suboxone and having to go through withdrawls.

So here I am. In withdrawls, feeling horrible about how I got here, but finally telling the truth to someone...at least that feels good. I am not sure why I posted this, but I think deep down I am hoping someone, somewhere can help me end this cycle. I am sick of it and want to stop.

Thanks for listening.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 1:55 am 
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I think that every single one of us has felt like a loser somewhere in this process. You are not alone!

I'm guessing that there are psychological reasons that you feel like you need to take more suboxone than what you're prescribed. At 8mg per day, most of your receptors should be satiated most of the time.

My suggestion is to focus on breaking up your 8 mg dose into 4 doses for a while. Now normally, we are supposed to try to take our sub dose once a day, but I think your mind needs a distraction from wanting more and more suboxone. I think it will help distract the part of your mind jonesing for more sub if you split your 8 mg dose for a while. So if you can focus on waiting 6 hours until your next dose, your receptors will get a boost every few hours and you might not feel the need to take extra.

See if that helps. You've got to put some effort into it though. Have your dose cut up and ready for the first day you try it. Be as mentally prepared as you can. Write down what you feel like after each 1/4 dose so that you are not just mindlessly going through sub.

I wish you well and hope that you can get this under control.

Amy

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 9:34 am 
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Thanks for the response. You have no idea how much it means to me to wake up this morning run down to the computer, come straight to this forum and see that someone took the time to talk to me.
What you say makes sense. I will talk to my doctor and see what he says, but I think it could work.

What about recruiting my wife in keeping my subs and handing them out on a daily or weekly basis? Is it fair to her? Just thinking of what might help. Thanks to everyone here. You are all warriors and far stronger than most of the population at large...anyone that has gone through withdrawls deserves a medal, if we can get through that nightmare, we can get through anything.


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 12:28 pm 
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Hey Baba,

Yes, I think handing your meds over to your wife is an excellent idea! If she is willing, it will give you an added layer of protection. I did the same with my husband and it really helped me. Just be sure that she holds you accountable and doesn't give in when you want more...that will happen probably...but she should be willing to tell you no. Within a month or so you will start breaking the habit of using more, and start to feel better, no more going a week in wd because of overuse! Woo-hoo!

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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 2:29 pm 
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Hey baba,

Welcome to the forum!!!

First off, you're not a loser, you're an addict. Addict does not = loser. Addict = brain disorder.

Now, you know you're an addict and it's time to take the bull by the horns and do something about it. I loved your first paragraph. You were mentioning how you got this shit, you don't need any help, you're strong enough to whip this monkey by yourself, etc. etc. You sounded just like me a few years ago. I thought I could muster the strength to beat my addiction, but it turns out living with your addiction is a lot less about strength and a lot more about learning how that bastard warps your thinking and having tools in place to un-warp your thinking.

Because our brains are basically sick when it comes to drugs and addiction, we usually need trusted outside sources to help catch our addictive behaviors. Trying to catch them on our own with our warped (sick) brains is very, very tricky. So, yes.....give the pills to your wife and have her help you. That's a great start.

Have you given any thoughts to working with an addiction counselor? I absolutley hated the thought of going to see a counselor. I thought it meant I was weak. WRONG!! It actually meant I was strong. I was strong enough to admit my addiction was getting the better of me and the work I put in with my addiction counselor has paid off very nicely for me.

IMO, if you want to have any chance at really living with your addiction, you have to at least have a basic understanding of how it's making your thinking screwy, then use recovery techniques to help keep you on the straight and narrow.

You've already taken a massive first step by coming here and asking for help, now keep on stepping.....forward!!! :)

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 02, 2013 10:22 pm 
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Just some crap off the top of my head:

I am one who doesn't consider Suboxone use as drug use. It isn't. You can't abuse it, can't get high off it, can't shoot it up, can't snort it. That said, it sounds like you began to abuse more than your prescribed dose, even if it wasn't doing anything for you? I have been on Sub for about eight years, and have six years clean. I learned very quickly that you can't abuse this drug, even by taking triple doses of it. Subutex is different, but Suboxone? For me personally when I've had the urge to take an extra piece at night or something I find the easiest thing to do is occupy my mind. Computer games, books, television - anything to keep my mind from being idle when I'm vulnerable. I don't attend meetings, and other than a meeting for greenhorn Sub users I attended once a week a few years back, I have no interactions based on this drug. I have sought mental health counseling, and I take a an anti-depressant, but otherwise I've found a routine and I stick to it like clockwork. I take about 1.3 mg of Sub each day, sometimes split that into two pieces but it's so small I don't like to lose it on my desk. But that's off topic..

What is it that made you want to take more than you should? Was there something going on in your life? For people like us, drugs are ALWAYS the right answer. Good mood? Drugs enhance it. Bad mood? Drugs get rid of it. No mood? I'm bored lets get high. That's a very hard mentality to move away from and even all these years later I still get vulnerable and think about drugs. That part just doesn't ever go away for people like us I think.

The other random thought I had was self-sabotage. I'm so good at that I could be an olympian if it were a sport. Drugs aside, I would sabotage myself subconsciously even as a kid or young teenager. It's part of a behavior pattern that makes people like us the way we are, and I'm sure it has something to do with future bouts of depression. Do you think you subconsciously wanted to fail? Or give yourself an excuse to not be on Sub long enough to get high again?


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