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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 11:03 am 
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ya tear" running in to little problems can become big ones for us". we need to continue are trust
in our treatment"and keep in mind 24/7 it is for our better health. i'm getting sick of depending on my meds :x and better
know i can not lose my interest in meds, for it would be like loseing interest in eating/ sleepng/working/relations exe-!!


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 9:54 pm 
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Okay. Good news - Pharmacy has had me back.. WOOHOO! That's one big load off my back. Got mah Subox floating away in my mouth.

Bad news... I used yesterday. I'm regretting it a lot today. A LOT. The last 6 months I've been doing a treatment to cure a condition caused by IV drug use, and very common amongst IV drug users... and there I was doing it again. It just baffles me. While I was *incredibly* careful with it, it scares me the thought that I'm still capable of doing this despite everything I've done to try and make my life better.

And the thing that really gets me is that... if I'd known my pharmacy would have me back today... I wouldn't have used. No way 100%. I was quite angst ridden waiting to find out my fate, and I used it as an excuse to use. But it's a really weird world when 2mg of Suboxone gives relief from withdrawal for 2-3 hours, and a hit of heroin works for the best part of the waking day.

Anyway, really can't believe I did that. Not just the using, but the whole thing. If I was just 2 minutes earlier, I wouldn't have used, I would have been going on my merry way.

Anyway, time to regroup, lick my wounds, and get on with the Summer.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 9:59 pm 
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Anyway, time to regroup, lick my wounds, and get on with the Summer.


You said it!

I'm so glad the worst case scenario didn't happen and you're still in the treatment program. YAHOO!!! As for the using, well, it was a set of circumstances that you don't need me to go over again for you. Now it's up to you to put it into perspective - which I think you've done - and move on. Which you are!

Onward and upward!

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 10:34 pm 
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Fuckin' Eh!!! You got your Suboxone back!!

Sounds like you learned some important lessons along the way too, that's a bonus!

Live and learn Kangaroo Man, that's all we can do.

Ummm, you just had to throw in the fact that it's summer down there, eh.....we're borderline freezing our butts off here....have you no compassion for us at all?? :lol:

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 11:08 pm 
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:arrow: Move forward and ENJOY your summer, Tear :idea: Thank goodness your back on track!!!!
Mel :wink:

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:31 am 
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IM with Romeo about the WEATHER....... we are having a FIERCE wind storm, the powers been off twice, thankfully the laptops charged.....lol
anyways...

Dont beat yourself up too much,

Your back on track now,,, way too go!!!!
Hang in there, and
HAPPY NEW YEAR
we all geta clean slate for 2012
Just hope we dont 'explode' LOL

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hold it together, when everyone would understand if you fell apart
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 Post subject: back on track
PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 2:11 am 
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Hey Tear, I'm really glad you're back to your regular routine and did not have a problem with the pharmacy or your sub treatment program. Sorry to hear you ended up using H but what's done is done. I do think you may want to stay on sub a while yet to get farther away from active using before you consider tapering off. But when you DO taper it will hopefully be by your own choice in deciding when and how fast or slow you do it. That will be a very different situation than the one you just got through. And I agree with everyone else--you can't change what has already happened so now you can only keep moving forward. We can all hear your regret about using in your last post, and I think most if not all of us can relate to what happened.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 3:24 am 
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I read thru all these post sitting on the edge of my seat feeling your pain. I am very glad the pharmacy took you back. I too depend on takehomes but methadone instead of bupe. I one time was in the same position and we don't get kicked out but each day we miss our next dose will be decreased down (66% then 33% then 30mg) and after three missed days you have to start back at 30 mgs and get increased 5 mg a day until you reach your old dose my dose is 190 mg so that would be a bit of a hike. I posted a week or so ago in the methadone forum about how one time I missed our clinic hours due to snow and then found out later that day, when I thought I was only going to miss one day that the clinic had given every client 3 days worth of take homes on top of their dose that day. So that would be no methadone for me for four days. This was in the beginning when I had to go daily to the clinic. Well when I found out I freaked the F--- out. I was new and had no idea what to do but possibly use and to break thru 160 mg at that time would take quite a bit of opiates. My drug of choice was Opana, but under no circumstances was my old dealer going to sell to me. No matter what I told him because he made it clear to me that I needed help and he would no longer lend to the destruction of my life. (in other words he became my friend) I live in the country in North Carolina and I no longer knew anyone to get pills from and heroin no way. I guess I could have drove to the big town of Asheville but when I got there I wouldn't know where to go. Anyways I did the stupidest thing ever. I took a friends suboxone. Thats all we could figure she gave me several days worth because she got a month at a time and she never took all hers. I only took one 8mg tablet and within 45 minutes we were calling an ambulance. (I have already been acussed of lying about this and a drama queen from my post a week ago because it is suppose to be common knowledge not to take suboxone on top of methadone but my old clinic was a rogue clinic and I was never told that nor gave a so called wallet card. I found out the hard way. So please understand this before you cuss me out for being so stupid. I really had no idea.) Immediatley the pill began to fizz in my mouth like a chemical reaction or something and the sneezes came on then the yawns, then crying, then sweating and freezing, then throwing up and diarrhea etc...etc...etc...Like I said it was explosive and worst than any withdrawals I had ever went through. I did not realize I was in withdrawals literally but I was telling my friend and the E.R. staff thats what it felt like. In fact I apparently had a stone that had been living in my gallduct but being so sick exacerbated it and I ended up in surgery to boot. But the worst part of all was the emergency room. They discriminated against me immediatley when I metioned the 160mg methadone I took daily. No one knew about precipitated withdrawals (including me). No one knew that regular pain meds would not touch my pain. finally sixteen hours into the scenario a doctor came aboard that did know and he made it all better with that profanol (sp???). And...to make a real idiot out of me I found out the next day that the snow fell through and the clinic was open if I would have done like you and tried to make it atleast one day (as I only missed that day) I could have dosed the next morning after all. But we panic when we realize that our very existence depends on whether the pharmacy or clinic is open etc....I ended up staying in the hospital for 9 days and suffered alot of bullsh-- from nurses that gave me my daily 16 pills (10mg methadones) Thank god that helped my pain too because they were not going to give me any pain medications on top of them. I layed there for nine days worried sick about what the clinic was going to do to me for taking that suboxone when in fact they never even found out or knew anything about it. It is amazing how panic makes our minds compromised. Emotion over intellect can be very handicapping. lol I am so happy things turned in your favor and as far as that little bit of shame I felt in your post over you using that one day well sometimes relapse is a part of recovery. A very beneficial part sometimes. (sorry about the step stuff but sometimes I find their "sayings/cliches'" rather true). Pick yourself up, brush off the dirt and move on. I read alot of your post and I find you to be a very bright, informative and supportive part of this forum.
"To err is human, to forgive is divine". This can be said in regard to forgiving ourself for our mistakes. :wink:


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 8:37 am 
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Thank you all for your help. Finallyachance - we know how it feels. The worst thing for me was the "not knowing". If I knew that come today (Wednesday) they would have had me back, I doubt I would have used. But the whole time I was freaking about missing out on this holiday, my new years plans, and whether I would stay clean if I was forced to "jump off" (clearly no).

Autononymous - I don't have any plans to taper any time soon. Well, my plan is to get down to 8mg's, and get 12 months on 8mg's without using. I believe that we learn to stay clean long term when we progressively learn to handle harder cravings as we slowly taper our dose. In my case this time, I lost too much of my Suboxone buffer and I used. I used to medicate the fear & worry of getting booted off treatment. Weird, hey.

Anyway, back on the program now, thankfully. I got a coupla spots in the crook of my arm as a reminder, and that "brain fog" of recent agonist use. Worst of all is the self-anger, all the "if only's"...


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 2:07 pm 
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tearj3rker wrote:
It's also made me wonder what I would do if my supply of buprenorphine were threatened because of global/socio/political reasons? Medication shortages are quite common. In our case being on Suboxone, we have the added issue of being an extremely low priority. Suboxone for drug addicts is also a very political issue, and it wouldn't take much for an really conservative and ignorant senator to push for the drug to be outlawed as it keeps addicts hooked. I was watching a doco about WW2 a coupla nights ago and the kinda shortages the UK had to endure every day. If addicts were given methadone then, they certainly woulda been forced into a detox.


I was reading about this recently myself. It would be pretty hard for me to rationalize using or complain about not getting anything when I knew that people were off fighting for my freedom and dying/being wounded....

And yes it is scary at how some politicians view things like Suboxone and Methadone maintenance. Heck, when I worked with Social Services many viewed MMT and Sub as "cheating".

Hope everything turns out okay for you.


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