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 Post subject: Carelessly Relapsing
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 2:46 am 
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Well, I went to my first rehab for 4 months and gained good lengthy clean time, steady mental health, and my old lively self. For some reason being stuck in a facility surrounded by broken women like me with no outside contact with the real world really helped me. I forgot about drugs and became happy. Now Ive been out a week and I relapsed. The thing is I am still numb from my xanax and so I dont even give a shit that I gave away my record clean time. But I know when I run out I am going to just feel soo sad. What should I do? I really cannot tell anyone that loves me that is out of the question. Even through my chemically induced sheild i feel a shameful sadness for my precious family who do everything in the world for me. I feel like I gave up such a beautiful thing: my clean time of 4 months.

Would someone kindly tell me its ok and common to relapse right when life starts to get good? Speak your mind.... I basically just posted this because I will never tell anyone I love that I have fucked up so I just needed to tell SOMEONE.

P.S. I guess suboxone isnt enough for my tastes :( what a fucking spoiled brat I am, just taking full advantage of my precious beautiful family of unconditional love and support, I am so LUCKY, yet I just somehow wake up and what I might as well be saying is "I think today I am going to fuck everything up and take advantage of all the people that love me".

:(


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 Post subject: your not alone
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 6:02 am 
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You are not alone. This happens to a lot of people.
The thing is you see what you have done and how it hurts others and yourself.

If I was in your shoes I would find a meeting and get a sponser. 90/90 we have a sickness and like any illnes, we need help to fight it.
you say your family loves and cares for you. That is the best support group right their. Some of us don't even have that. I was told by my doctor that just taking suboxone alone does not help. I have to occupy my self with other things. I hope this is help and I am sure everyone on this site will support you and give you words of encouragement to keep fighting this illness.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 9:40 am 
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Hi JessicaRabbit and welcome to the forum! Glad you're here girl, I think you'll find a lot of great support and a lot of GREAT people who have been exactly where you are and I think it's gonna make you feel better! ;)

Yeah, you did kinda fuck up and yeah, it does suck... but, you didn't do anything a million other addicts haven't done and you definitely won't be the last! We are addicts after all... I don't think you're a spoiled brat and I don't think you took advantage of the people that love you. You slipped up, but you can learn from this. Get back up, brush it off and get your clean time back! Sure, you gotta start over, but it's doable and not something that you can't achieve again. I'm not trying to make light of your relapse because it is serious, but you're obviously sorry for what you've done and I'd just take it as a learning experience.

I personally haven't slipped up yet... on suboxone, but I've only been on it for about 5 months. I did make it a few times on my own without the help of suboxone, but never lasted. I always went back to using. I know that as an addict, I have to be careful. It doesn't matter how much "clean time" you have tho, be it 4 months, 4 years, or 40 years. Addiction is a disease and that possibility of slipping up and/or falling back into active addiction and using is always there and it's very real and pretty scary. My suboxone doc is an addict, but hasn't used in years and of course now he uses his experience and knowledge to help other addicts. He is very adiment about meetings and using suboxone only as a tool. Suboxone isn't a cure all, but it can help you! I don't think my doc is anymore out of the danger zone than I am tho, and that's why he still attends meetings. He is still active in Celebrate Recovery, that's one of the tools he uses now to stay sober.

You said you did well while you were in treatment, you didn't think about drugs and you were happy... wdfmom mentioned going to meetings and getting a sponsor and doing 90 in 90. That's where you go to 90 meetings in 90 days. No matter what, you find a meeting, whether it be AA or NA, get the information for the meetings and attend 90 in 90 days. Now, usually I'm not one to try to persuade anyone on here to attend meetings because they're not for everyone, but you said yourself you were happy in treatment and you didn't think about drugs. I attended NA, but I've had to slack off a bit from them because I think I do better when I'm not around people talking about using. You seemed to do better when you were with people going thru the same thing you are and it helped, so you really need to take this as a lesson and get back into some kind of therapy and right now I think those meetings would be to your advantage. Like I said, they're not for everyone, but they obviously do work great for some people and if you did that well while in treatment, it would probably benefit you. It can't hurt.

I'm sorry you're feeling this down about yourself, but that's probably a good thing. One thing you don't want to do those is start feeling so badly about yourself that you give up and continue to use. This is nothing you can't overcome. I don't know you personally, but I don't want you to go back to that, it only makes you feel bad and you know it would hurt your family to know you slipped. Do this for you and for them, get back into some kind of therapy or treatment and get your clean time back!

Good Luck and stick around the forum. It can be very beneficial and a great source of support and help. I know this from personal experience. ;)

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 11:01 am 
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Hi Jessica,

Welcome to the forum!!

You've already got some great advice, the only couple of things I wanted to add were that I basically did the same thing as you. Once I got off drugs and felt better, the first thing I did was use again. I made it 9.5 months, most of the wd had passed, then I used. Then I made it another few months, used again, another few months, used again. I took each lapse of mine as a learning experience. I tried to learn from each one, then pushed forward.

You said, "I think today I am going to fuck everything up and take advantage of all the people that love me." You know that's your addiction talking to you, right? In rehab, did you learn ways to deal with your addict thoughts and impulses? I'm guessing they taught you some healthy ways to deal with things like that, but you just haven't put them into practice yet. I did the same thing! I knew a bunch about recovery, but I didn't really put any of it into practice until my last lapse. Having recovery in your head isn't enough, you gotta have it in your heart AND practice it too.

Also, it's not that surprising that you got out of rehab and relapsed. While in rehab, you're kinda leading a sheltered life. Once out, reality hits and that brings with it a flood of emotions that we don't know how to deal with in a healthy way, so we do what we do best, we use drugs to numb ourselves from the emotions.

I know those emotions are uncomfortable at the start, but you can and will learn how to deal with them again. Don't be afraid of them.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Oct 30, 2012 9:09 pm 
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Hey Jessica,

You are not alone! One of the things I think you need to do, if you haven't already, is to get a therapist who specializes in addiction. There is no reason that your supportive family would think going to therapy is out of the norm if you're concerned about alarming them. One thing I've noticed about our close family members is that they are naive about addiction. They don't realize that relapsing is part of recovery too, and that it can teach you something when it happens. I don't think that you realize that either. There is a reason that relapse rates are in the 90th percentile! It sounds like your loved ones could benefit by going to meetings with other family members of addicted people. They need to know that what you are going through is normal. Here you have this lovely support system, but you're not trusting them to support you! They need to be educated so that they can be there for you. Did you learn that you can beat addiction by yourself when you were in in-patient treatment? No, I don't think so. Perhaps you would benefit by being in an intensive out-patient therapy group. Have you looked into them?

Heaping recriminations on yourself is not going to help you in the long run. One of the things we addicts need to do is to discern when our inner voice is being destructive. You have to learn to differentiate the messages from your addiction and the messages from your critical inner voice and reject them. A therapist can help you with that.

You can have a bright future despite relapsing! Many of us on this forum have been in your shoes and we've had to pick ourselves up and keep going. It's possible!

Amy

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 5:02 pm 
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I think it is common to relapse just when things start to get good. It's like we addicts have to sabotage ourselves. It common, but I'm not gonna say its OK. Because for an opiate addict, any relapse could ultimately be fatal. You said you don't want to tell your family, and I get that. But just talking to us isn't enough. That's why I agree with what others have told you, get to a support group and tell a real live person what's going on. Most likely they'll give you a hug and tell you they've been there. Recovery from addiction definitely isn't a do it yourself project. That's why your inpatient experience was so great - it was being with people who can identify with you. Our families, no matter how loving they are, definitely do not understand why we do what we do.
I hope you get back on track soon. Don't beat yourself up - just keep moving forward. Keep us posted on how you're doing.
Lilly


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