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PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2009 8:12 pm 
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Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2009 8:34 pm
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Location: Utah
I thought getting clean would make life easier. I have been diagnosed bi-polar since I started recovery. Doc says I was using my pain pills to self medicate. I have been on a few different cocktails of anti depressants and mood stabilizers since. Problem is I think I did a better job before. I don't leave the house anymore except to go to my sub doctor and get groceries when my kids get loud enough. I can't make myself bounce back. After 15 months on suboxone everyone around me expects me to be fine. I know losing my sister to an opiate overdose two months into my recovery didn't help. We're struggling financially, so I should get a job right? Only I panic just thinking about having to leave the house and appear normal while I'm at work. Anyone else have trouble with a diagnosis your opiate use was hiding before? I just feel alone. I'm reading posts about how great everyone is doing now that their on subs instead of pain pills. I have tried talking to my doctor but he just changes around my prescriptions (very expensive btw), and I feel defective coming back every month saying, nope that's not the right cocktail. I just smile and tell him I'm great now. I know it's not helping me, but I get through the appt faster so I can go home. And I don't have to explain to my stressed husband why I need so much money for the pills that aren't working anyway.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 12:41 am 
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Location: New York
Hi Cricket, I have been on suboxone since Aug of 08. It help me alot. But I still have issues about leaving the house and just staying in my comfort zone because I am still afraid I can't function without pain pills. I been diag. for depression. Which I was self medicading with the pain pills. I am on an ant-depressant plus 24 mg of suboxone a day. I am making progress about leaving the house. I go for walks now and go to na meetings. If I were you I would tell your Doctor your Meds are not working for you. Maybe he can increase your Sub dose or ant-depression med. I am sorry for the lost of your sister. By the way, Utah use to be my second home. My mom use to live in Vernal. If you need to talk just pm me.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 12:45 am 
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When I spoke to a therapist during my induction period I told him I just got high to get high(smoking heroin,and other drugs). And he asked me if I know what Bi-polar disorder is and I replied yes. He did not say that he thought I have it but I could tell thats what he was thinking as a possibility. I told him that before I started drugs I was never manic than depress but had a genuine stable mood. I think that is one of the first causes for drug use that pop into therapists, or doctors heads when they cannot find another reason for drug use. It does not mean that you are actually bipolar. So I would just say that doctors are not always right. Yes they have the proper training, but diagnosing a mental condition is extremely hard at times. I have been on Suboxone for 2 months now and I also barely leave the house. I love the comfort and protection my house and family offer. My parents are bugging me to find a job but i am enjoying not working for once. YOUR not alone there are many people out there just like you. It is not easy overcoming addiction, just be strong and know that in my opinion, being sober and drug free means that you have opted to lead your life, rather than being lead. Do research on your own than reference that with your doc. If you do not think you have bipolar and the drugs do nothing for you perhaps consider seeking an alternate opinion or two.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 10:29 am 
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Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:11 am
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Location: Fishers, Indiana
Hey all,
First of all I'd like to say how much I can empathize with what everyone has said so far. As much as Suboxone has helped me stop medicating myself it has made some things more difficult. What I mean by that is I still had some really bad social phobias leftover from never wanting to, or being able to go out when I was using. One of the posts on the main site did a really great job addressing this problem. It was the one talked about how obsessed with comfort opiate addicts become. I know for a fact that while I've always had some pretty extreme fears of social situations before I started using I could usually still force myself into going if it were important. Soon after I started using I just didn't care whether I was missed at a big family event or a school event or even a party. All that I was ever concerned about after I'd been using for awhile was avoiding any uncomfortable situation. It has taken alot of practice, hardwork, and forcing myself into being more social. At first it was going to as many meetings as possible and meeting new people who weren't using anymore. I got involved in service work which helped even more as it obligated me to be at a meeting or two a week even when I wanted to make excuses about a bad week at work or too many papers to write the list goes on and on. The point is I still get really nervous alot of times but sometimes it's a little better other times it might seem a little worse, but I'm used to being in the situation and about 90% of the time things don't end up as bad as I thought they'd be. I remember how miserable I was when I was using though when I had no friends or any other substantial relationships in my life. I've come to believe my disease would like to keep me in that misery even if I'm not using as an excuse to go back to using (i'm sure that sounds just insane to a normie). I'd start with really small steps if I were you like making lunch plans with an old pre-using friend or family member you haven't spent much time with lately.

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"If you're going through hell, ....keep going!"
-Winston Churchill


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