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PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2014 3:14 pm 
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It's me again....it's been a couple days since I relapsed (taking 1.5mg subs after jumping from .25-.5) and I have decided to taper back to .25 over four days and jump back off suboxone....my biggest issue right now is my own head. I'm so ready to be clean and I KNOW deep down that this is the right time (since im a teacher and have summers off) and I've done a good job getting from 16-24mg to .25-.5mg over the last 6 months....but I guess I didn't expect to have cravings for suboxone. The devil has somehow convinced me that suboxone is the glue that keeps me together but I don't want to believe it anymore. I have this amazing life with a husband who is understanding and compassionate....a five year old daughter who was a miracle....a job I enjoy (special needs teacher)....and I've finally gotten into a good church and participate in a women's group for addicts. I've worked hard to have everything in order but I've found that my mind is where this battle is going to take place. For the 5 days I was clean I had minimal physical withdrawals but with each day clean I began playing the what if game....what if I never feel happy again....what if I'm like this all summer and ruin my families summer......what if my withdrawals havent even really started and im gonna be sick tomorrow.....I have social anxiety and the suboxone kinda helped (or at least that's what I've told myself)....now every little thing seems like a mountain....even going to church or a friends cookout. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this or what I should ask....I just needed to vent....I know I need to find ways to cope with these thoughts....it's frustrating because I KNOW they are all lies and that I most definitely can enjoy life without subs, but its been almost 10 years since I was 100% sober for any length of time ( not counting the 9 months that I was pregnant).....I just want so much more out of life....I've prayed and prayed about this for months and even decided to take a year to fully recover before starting grad school......I want to stop being so introverted and afraid to venture out, but I've NEVER done that without the help of drugs or alcohol....how do I reprogram my brain? HELP!


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2014 4:02 pm 
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You start one small step at a time. I was like you, introverted for awhile. Worked and came home and isolated myself. On my days off, I went no where all day. Wouldn't even go any place with my husband. Now, I amback at the gym (day 2!), go shopping, go everywhere with my hubs, even if its a quick trip to the store. You HAVE to not take the time to contemplate it and just do it. Instead of spending 5 minutes mulling over whether you feel like doing something, dont even think about it. Once we get out of our own way, we can accomplish so much!!!!!!!


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2014 4:10 pm 
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trainer14 wrote:
You start one small step at a time. I was like you, introverted for awhile. Worked and came home and isolated myself. On my days off, I went no where all day. Wouldn't even go any place with my husband. Now, I amback at the gym (day 2!), go shopping, go everywhere with my hubs, even if its a quick trip to the store. You HAVE to not take the time to contemplate it and just do it. Instead of spending 5 minutes mulling over whether you feel like doing something, dont even think about it. Once we get out of our own way, we can accomplish so much!!!!!!!


'xactly. There is no silver bullet for "reprogramming". It's a process one commits to doing. And as they say at 12 Step meetings, "strive for progress, not perfection".


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2014 4:26 pm 
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I had a lot of the same symptoms, may stop date was like may 12. I still have some days were I feel like that. It took well over a month to not have everyday issues in my mind. I still have days where I wonder if I did something to myself in my active days. it will leave you eventually, I still have trouble going out everywhere with the family, but I think its a habit I placed my mind and also must break. I developed a lot of introverted behavior's during the days. you must be patient and let yourself heal. I can go 3-4 days free now and have one day of thoughts, work myself up and I feel kinda sick. but they are getting few and far between.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2014 8:59 pm 
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Hey! Hope your doing ok :) so wanted to share my night and thought process this evening. Pretty much all afternoon I was in a blah mood, felt pretty blah too. Anyways, my husband got home from work and wanted to go grocery shopping. I really didnt want to go. In the past I rarely went anywhere and if I did go, to say, the grocery store, it was just to appease him, not because I actually wanted to. My thought at the time was I worked 8 hours a day inside a store, the very last thing I wanted to do on my time off was go to a store!!!!! Anyways, so I was talking myself outta going tonight. I felt yucky, no energy, head achy, andjust blaaaaah. I told him I was gonna stay home.As he was getting ready to leave, I jumped up, said "eff it, I'm gonna go" and ran out to the car. So glad I did too! I feel much better now :)


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 4:28 am 
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Hi HappyIs!
I posted to another thread of yours (forgot the title), and I was under username "rca"?? Anyway, I just want to re-affirm that I understand much of what you are going through, and without saying too too much, we certainly have some things in common, most notable a long sub habit, have tapered down, have a family (we are mothers), and the "summer off". I am clean today (for the last about 40 hours now I think?) for the first time in 8 years. During my 6month taper I made sure to exercise, and the last month kicked it up a notch to twice daily as I am TERRIFIED of the depression associated with wdl, and am pretty confident now that I will be able to keep that at bay. Do you work out? It will make you feel an overall 'sense of well-being" (eventually), and will most likely make you more comfortable in your own skin re: social situations. Just a suggestion. Keep posting "whatever' you feel like. Finding people who relate I have found is very therapeutic. If you can TEACH you can DO THIS!!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 5:34 pm 
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Congrats on your success! I'm trying to taper back down quickly after my slip up but unfortunately my cousin's husband died so now I'll be making a trip this weekend. I don't deal we'll with death (not that most people do)....I lost my mom 5 years ago which is what caused my relapse and getting back on suboxone....so needless to say instead of jumping this weekend I'm going to stay on .25mg a few extra days and jump Monday....

Oh and I do exercise....I have an eliptical and I try to swim and do Zumba and stuff. I actually started a healthier life style last August and I lost about 25 pounds by Christmas....my self control in that is what kinda sparked the thought that I could get off suboxone too!

Anyways....I bought a few supplements today for anxiety and overall brain recovery from opiate addiction....fingers crossed they will help as well :). Not looking forward to this weekend....

Keep up the good work!!! I'm ready to jump again...I SO want this to be over!!!


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 5:56 pm 
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hey HappyIsAYuppieWord or rca, getting right is on of the most difficult things I ever had to do. Its mot easy by any means and our minds love to pull up anything as and excuse. I am sorry for your loss and that is not in your control, but was a trigger. I think the thing I needed to find was what were my triggers and try and divert my attention away from it as much as possible. I messed up my foot real bad but I knew it would be a trigger for relapse. the 1st day I did take a tramadol, the 2nd an alieve, now nothing at all. I post listen to music anything to keep me off the opiate train. the mind is a very powerful thing, use it to your advantage. keep posting


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 6:02 pm 
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Hi there Happy!! Welcome to the forum!!

First off, I wanted to tell you that introversion is NOT a disorder of any kind, it's a personality trait. There's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about by being an introvert. I'm an introvert and I completely understand where you're coming from with the social anxiety and some of the other things you mentioned. Being an introvert in an extrovert world is difficult at times.....it's downright scary at times, too. For some reason, we introverts are able to understand and "get" extroverts, but extroverts, for the most part, have a very difficult time understanding us. I'd like to recommend a book to you that a friend of mine (another introvert) recommended to me and I found great comfort in it. The book is called, "The Introvert Advantage." It will walk you through introversion, help you understand it and show you ways to deal with it.

Remember, be kind to yourself.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 6:06 pm 
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That's SO true! And our minds can make excuses/justifications SO easily! At least mine can...hence the whole being 5 days clean and then using suboxone for no good reason at all....I wish I could rewind back to Monday but I can't and I'm not letting it ruin my recovery :)


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 6:16 pm 
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Quote:
Hi there Happy!! Welcome to the forum!!

First off, I wanted to tell you that introversion is NOT a disorder of any kind, it's a personality trait. There's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about by being an introvert. I'm an introvert and I completely understand where you're coming from with the social anxiety and some of the other things you mentioned. Being an introvert in an extrovert world is difficult at times.....it's downright scary at times, too. For some reason, we introverts are able to understand and "get" extroverts, but extroverts, for the most part, have a very difficult time understanding us. I'd like to recommend a book to you that a friend of mine (another introvert) recommended to me and I found great comfort in it. The book is called, "The Introvert Advantage." It will walk you through introversion, help you understand it and show you ways to deal with it.



I'm reading "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking." It's been eye opening...I'm a work in progress....I still feel like something is wrong with me when I'm uncomfortable at church or uncomfortable making new friends at church....idk....I want to make a difference when I recover and I want to help recovering addicts and be a counselor eventually....how am I ever going to do so if I'm afraid and let fear rule me....it's frustrating BUT I'm trying to focus on me first....sobriety should be my only concern at the moment :). Thanks for the book suggestion, I'll definitely look for it !


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 8:45 pm 
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The book you're reading sounds interesting, I think I'm going to check it out. Thanks for sharing.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 9:02 pm 
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looks like I will be doing some reading, thanks yalll


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 9:38 pm 
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dirty b, you're an "innie", too? Innie's unite!! :D

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 9:54 pm 
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When I started the women's addiction group at church I remember telling the group leader how I envied her confidence and her ease of speaking and singing in front of so many people...she told me that I would change in time....although I do believe I will "change with time" I don't believe I'm going to just wake up one day and be 100% extroverted.....BUT I do believe that it's not healthy for us to hide behind our introversion either (not saying anyone is)....I'm slowly realizing that who I am and HOW I am isn't an accident and that God wired me the way I am for a reason. Could you imagine a world with nothing but extroverts? Exhausting ;)


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2014 11:16 pm 
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I think that is why so many addicts become addicts, during the romance phase of the addiction, introverts become extroverts. I have been reading a book called "living with the dead." interesting story about the grateful dead written by one of their roadies. I talks about 20 years of traveling with the band and their addictions.


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 4:55 am 
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Hey HappyIs!
How are you doing today? It is interesting to me to read about the "introvert/ extrovert" discussion. By nature I guess, I am an extrovert- to the extreme actually when I am "sober" but I never thought about it. For me, the subs took away a lot of my "extrovert" qualities that are now coming back full force. It seems like for introverts, the opposite is true? Subs helped you be more "extrovert' and less subs more "introvert"? I have a theory (of course because I have a theory on everything- ha ha- ask Romeo!)
God created us each uniquely, and wants us to be "true to ourselves" so we can fulfill His will for our lives. The subs influence our thinking and behavior, moving us further and further away from our authentic selves. Only sober can we reconnect with God and our own true nature. Being introvert, extrovert, 'whatever' we were created to be is beautiful and perfect, and we each need to find peace with who we 'really' are and who God wants us to be. We all work TOGETHER for His glory it takes "all kinds" of people. If you have not already, I hope you find peace soon with your true nature.
But I agree, first things first, and for today I would just keep working towards your goal of a sub FREE life. It is easier than you think- I am on DAY 3 and really feeling pretty dang good!
BF

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 10:51 am 
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Every morning when I wake up I feel overwhelmingly guilty....if I hadn't slipped up I would be on day 10! I guess if I had slipped up because I felt awful it would've made more sense and I wouldn't feel so guilty...BUT I slipped up simply because I couldn't seem to focus on anything but the fear of POSSIBLE withdrawals to come and I guess I was afraid I (and my husband) wouldnt like the sober me. I was on day 5 and I felt absolutely normal....but being normal kinda scares me. The only time I've been sober for any length of time over the past 10 years was a few months before I got pregnany and throughout my pregnancy....and even then I was prescribed meds for migraines and oral surgery so I wasn't even 100% sober then. In my heart I KNOW this is what God wants for my life....he wants me off of this "miracle drug" and he wants me to use Him as a crutch instead....I guess I just need to convince my head. On night 4 when I last quit I had horrible dreams about my "past" life and my exhusband (his mother gave me pills and then when I got addicted they pretty much made my life miserable without taking ANY responsibility for anything....forced me to get on methadone (or he threatened to leave), and then left anyways. I have a lot of mixed emotions about my past and for some reason my subconscious threw it all at me at once....the next morning I justified taking some suboxone just to calm down and get out of my own head....and I regret it. BUT I'm not giving up! Today I took.5mg and tomorrow I'll take .25mg....I'm not sure yet if I should take .25mg for 3-4 days then jump so that the low dose is what is mostly left in my system or if I should just jump Monday after taking .25mg once. I have a new "plan" mentally and I'm not going to let myself get fixated on withdrawals(or lack of withdrawals) or any emotional baggage that withdrawals may dig up. I KNOW I can do this, especially with God's help....and I need to love the real me, WITHOUT suboxone. Suboxone isn't what makes me who I am, but for some reason I've believed that lie for quite some time....

Keep up the good work! I'm proud of how well you are doing and I'm looking forward to joining you very soon!


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PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 11:06 am 
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HappyIsAYuppieWord wrote:
Every morning when I wake up I feel overwhelmingly guilty....if I hadn't slipped up I would be on day 10!

Something Trainer posted recently is: "It doesnt matter if you fall down 7 times, as long as you get up 8."
Forgive yourself and move on.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 11:16 am 
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You are SO right! I've always been too hard on myself....I easily overlook my accomplishments and focus only on my mistakes. In the past my therapist said that I set unattainable expectations for myself and then get crushed when I fail, but I don't have the same expectations or consequences for those around me. One tiny mistake (relapse) shouldn't eliminate my hard work over the last 6 months....tapering from 16-24mg down to .5-.25mg is a HUGE deal....and being 5 days clean is a HUGE deal.....I know I can make it through this :).

Thanks for your help and encouragement! My husband is super supportive but he has no idea what I'm going through, he's never even smoked a ciggerette!


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