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PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 3:19 am 
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So, I wont go into my full story, but I first discovered bupe in 2009, when I had been clean for 8 months from a 300mg/day OxyContin habit. I was in a drug court program for 18 months and my dad got sick and passed away. I had a 20 year prison sentence over my head if I didn't complete the program. I started buying suboxone from a friend and took them at first for the little high that they gave me, then actually went to a sub doctor and convinced him I needed a prescription for my cravings. Basically, if I didn't have subs I was going to use illicit opiates and go to prison...that's how I thought then and I did what I had to do. it is what it is. Anyway I graduated the program in 2010 with a script of 90 subs and moved to Austin, TX to start a new life. Clean slate. I took 90 subs with me with the hopes of tapering on my own with those 90 pills...well that didn't work, before I knew it I was out of subs and out of options, had no insurance and no money, and my girlfriend was having problems of her own with mental health. so I ended up going to a methadone clinic and beginning methadone maintenance and ended up on 180mg/day and was also doing heroin and cocaine...methadone was not good for me. I did this for a couple of years and ended up coming back home where I went back to my sub doctor, told him my story, and was given my normail script of 90 subutex(I convinced him to switch from suboxone to subutex for insurance reasons), 90 soma 350mg, 90 1 mg clonazepam. and 60 30mg adderrall. I must say I was going to a separate doc and receiving 90 2mg alprazolam a month. Now, obviously I was not about staying clean at this point...I was trying to get high, and have subs on the side...my mind was not in the right place. so yes, I got my subs filled every month, but was not in recovery by any means....this continued until 2014
In 2014 my room mate overdosed on heroin and died...I have not used since this day. I went to rehab and then went to prison...I was released from prison earlier this year. I have began using bupe again and plan on going to get my own script. Am I a complete idiot for getting back on it? I feel like my brain doesn't work correctly if I don't have my receptors saturated...I was without any opiates for 18 months and never got over the depression, despite trying many SSRI meds in prison...I think bupe is just going to be a part of my life. It improves my mood and helps my pain. I do have chronic pain from several car accidents and nerve compression in my neck. I don't know whats wrong with me...I am afraid of going back to prison, and I know bupe keeps me from getting high. I think my receptors are destroyed at a metabolic level, and a permanent change took place in my brain, and I just don't feel right without an opiate, due to so many years of abuse. any input is appreciated...this just seems like a place where I can get this off my chest....I don't know...


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 9:56 am 
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Hi Encrypt, Welcome! I can only share my experience with you and hope it helps! I loved the feeling of a half of an oxy and that is how my addiction started! I had gastric bypass surgery in 2002. My drug of choice was always food. I had dabbled with just about everything but food was always my go to! So, after surgery, there was no more food! Alcohol did not work because I would drink half a glass of wine and get loopy for about 15 minutes and that would be it! So, along comes vicodin! I was prescribed it after dental work. I so enjoyed the feeling! I started with a half of a 500 mg on a Saturday night and just kept on going. When I realized I could get the same feeling from tramadol and it was prescribed, I was good to go! Until,my script was not enough and I started buying it online! On August 18, 2014 they changed the class of drug for tramadol and it became really difficult to get. At this point I found a suboxone doctor! I got so lucky! I found this lovely Dr in a town not too far and scheduled an appointment. After speaking with her for 30 minutes, she wrote me a script and I was ready. I waited 24 hours and did not feel bad. I waited another 12 and knew it was time! Within an hour, I was back to my normal self. I started at 24mgs and have tapered down to 4mgs in two years. I do plan on going lower and do hope to wean myself totally off. All of this to say that we each have our own story. You have to do what you know is best for you! Please, keep posting so we know how you are!


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 11:35 am 
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If your doing better on Buprenorphine than off then your smart to get back on it, not an idiot. Far from it.

Look at how the med medicine improved your life when taken correctly without other drugs involved. Im with you on how i feel on it vs off. My life would be where it is had it not been for a good sub dr, some recovery meeting of all types and a positive hope for tne future. This is what a sub program will do.

We can't go back to who we were before opiates, imo. That is a hard road to pull. Some have , we have a few members that have done this, but I believe i the safety net on Buprenorphine.

Find a sub doc asap and if not then join a 12 fellowship full boar. You ll need one or the other.

My 2 cents Dream16


Razor


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 12:07 pm 
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Some ppl are under the impression that if u can go awhile without taking any opiates that u don't need suboxone because ur past the withdrawal stage. That's actually not true, and it wasn't true in my case either. My worst times ever was being completely without anything and having cravings 24/7. After rehab, I went 5-6 months without any opiates and I was miserable! I couldn't even leave my bedroom or even take a shower. U know that feeling during active addiction when u were without ur pills and all ya could do was just pace bk and forth and obsess about it non-stop? That was me all those months with it never improving. I did relapse and that led me to suboxone eventually. If I'd started suboxone treatment before that relapse, I'd have saved myself a lot of heartache. Don't worry about what ppl think, this is hard! But definitely find ya a good doctor if u haven't yet.

I've been to jail 5 times and after each time I'd run straight to using after. Suboxone is maintenance and even when physical withdrawal is gone, there's a ton more misery still there and imo that's what suboxone and treatment is for. We're all in it together :)

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 2:02 pm 
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HI and welcome,

I also got on subs in 2009. I too was off subs for 1 year. During that year I did okay but I felt like something was missing. I was on a SSRI for part of the time for depression and that helped a little bit. But still I felt like i "needed something"

I went back to my sub doc and he put me back on subs. It was the best thing I ever did. For my sanity and cravings . it is the mental part that gets me. I was constantly thinking about using.

I , like you, had not even touched an opiate in one year , but got right back on subs. I am now on a small maintenance dose that keeps me at peace and not thinking about using.

There are so many others that feel just like you. I think it is such an intelligent decision on your part, to treat your addiction with the proper medication. Subs are such a great tool. As long as you use them properly. I would NOT mix them with any other meds except for maybe depression meds. or something safe. but not mix with benzos or any other narcotic.

Also maybe think about see an addiction counselor. Or maybe a NA or SMART meeting. This will keep you on the right track and headed in the right direction.

Good luck!


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 5:17 pm 
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So, there are those who agree that once you cross that line, there is no coming back? I mean, that an opiate has to be present for the rest of my life in some form in order to function properly? Of course, I CAN be clean, but I can't feel "OK" without my receptors being filled, due to so much abuse earlier in my life...so why would one walk around miserable? Not me...I would rather be on sub for the rest of my days than be completely "clean" and feel like shit...that's just my 2 cents. I'm just glad to hear there are some who agree with me.


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 6:18 pm 
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Thanks for sharing your story. This is just my opinion-- but I think you simply relapsed at some point after leaving prison, just as most opioid addicts relapse at some point. You chose to relape on buprenorphine, which mitigates the risk of relapse. But I don't see it as a 'bupe' issue; it is an 'opioid dependence' issue.

You wrote, in your second post, that obviously you COULD live without opioids. I don't know if I agree with that comment. It seems to me that you are unable to live without opioids, unless you are locked up somewhere. Could you somehow learn to live without them? That's the big question for all of us who treat, or are treated, by 'maintenance therapy'. I don't like to use that term, but I don't have another good way to describe buprenorphine treatment as compared to abstinence-based treatments.

I also don't think you necessarily damaged your brain from using opioids. I wouldn't be surprised if we learn eventually that some people have higher endorphin 'tone' than others. Heck, we know that other hormonal imbalances are very common, such as diabetes or thyroid abnormalities-- so why would we expect opioid pathways to always act 'normally'? With that in mind, I would recommend taking the medication that allows to you live life in a healthy, happy, productive way. We only go around once-- and is it better to sit alone every night depressed and 'clean', or to take a medication like buprenorphine that doesn't cause dose-escalation, that doesn't have significant long-term side effects, and that allows you to enjoy life? But try to do it in a way that doesn't cause you to go to jail!!


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2016 3:57 am 
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Wow. thanks for that doc. That brutal honesty is what I'm seeking. Of course I don't want to go to jail, but opoids weren't the reason for me going to jail THIS time...it was really the lack of...if you can figure that one out. And I agree with the idea of endorphine "tones". That makes complete sense to me. The problem is, it doesn't make complete sense to society, my mother, my friends, etc. So bupe is something I will have to hide, possibly forever. Of course, it is my life, and I have to choose what to do with it. I am such an advocate for bupe, because I believe there are many like me, and it is such a unique substance. Also, you cant relapse unless youre in active recovery, right? That is just a thought of course. I simply bided my time until I had access to sub and then made the choice to take it, although illegally. Anyway, I do appreciate all of your input and look forward to being a member on this forum as there is a lot of POSITIVE information and stories within. Keep it up!


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