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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2015 2:56 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2014 12:03 am
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So, if anyone followed my short lived thread about liquid taper and then the new one about my jump from .3mg....I decided to back out of the jump and stabilize a bit before trying again. And who knows, I may never try again.

Which brings me to the point I s going to make...I don't think people should get too caught up on defining themselves as "sub lifers" or not. I think as addicts in recovery we should just take our medicine as prescribed and then go about our day as if we took a blood pressure medication or an anti D or a prilosec to prevent heartburn. So how the hell do you do that???

I have found myself during my taper becoming so obsessed with my dose and how I was feeling and comparing feelings to feelings I had the previous day or even previous hour... And while I believe it's a great thing to go inward, I got to a point of obsessing over every little sensation that would arise. I would wonder if what I was feeling was a result of too much sub, not enough sub, or if I would even be having that feeling or sensation if I was off sub...

This is not a relationship I want to get into, especially with a medication.

So I am asking, does anyone have any advice for me in this area? How to take my dose in the morning and go about living, trying to become as unaware of my suboxone as I am of the fact that I took a shower this morning.

I used to have no problem with this but now I'm all messed up from my aggressive taper followed by a failed attempt to jump. Any advice would be great. What is your mindset on it?

I don't know if I'm a lifer yet. It's definitely possible, and I'm not opposed. But I have lowered my tolerance so much at this point that .5mg holds me all day and well into the next. I only dosed again as not to get my body into a weird schedule where I'm thinking about it too much. Brush teeth, dose, shower... End of story. Right? Then why am I so messed up over it right now?

Thanks guys :(
Xo fishy


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2015 5:21 pm 
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Hi Fishy,

Unfortunately, as addicts we tend toward obsession anyway, so it is tough to break that pattern. When I was first on sub the obsession went away and it seemed like magic. There were days when I would forget to dose! However, when I tapered down to 2 mg I became much more aware of my dose because I was trying to find the right dose for me. Add the extra fun of almost constant headaches, I kind of HAVE to be aware of how I'm feeling. I don't feel that I obsess over my dose now, but I'm aware. You're definitely not alone in this struggle.

If I were trying to lower my awareness of my dose, I think I would choose a completely different time to dose. If you have any rituals you associate with dosing, quit doing them. My doctor says that he wishes his patients could dose, unaware, in the middle of the night. I don't think that's very plausible, but maybe you could take your dose right before sleep so you wouldn't be obsessing over how you feel.

Now that you're stabilizing again, perhaps it will be easier for you to stop obsessing over how you feel every moment. Pick a dose that doesn't include any variation of how you feel over a 24 hour period. If your dose is too low you will be aware of the need to dose again to feel OK.

I hope you can figure out a way that works for you!

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2015 6:08 pm 
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In the years raising my kids they were very rarely sick and i never had them vaccinated (i was green before it was popular LOL). I have 3 children (adults now) and we ate fresh food, used alternative care (vitamins, chiropractor etc). I had my garden, cooked from scratch, baked from scratch, my kids never ate baby food because i made it, used cloth diapers for my first etc. My friends and family called me "Mother Earth" LOL

It wasn't until later in life that i became addicted to pain meds and i KNEW BETTER! I would beat myself up because i knew better and still i didn't stop when i became aware it was a small daily habit. The only way i could get off was, OMG, go on sub when it got to the point i was going to OD because my habit was so bad.

So i go from "Mother Earth" to a pain pill addict to a suboxone patient. I became obsessed with getting off sub in 3 months...didn't happen. Several months into my recovery i began to take more than prescribed. I was so focused on the sub, almost like the pain pills, it wasn't good.

Amy helped me tremendously! Unfortunately, i have to take a few other meds (BP etc) so every night i get my meds ready for the next day and after i shower I take ALL my meds while getting dressed for work. Sometimes we just need medication and i don't focus on "one" med now. What Amy did for me was remind me it was a medication. I used to have an emergency sub, i no longer carry one so no way i can take more once i leave the house. I do dose 3 times a day for pain but i also take my heart meds 3 times a day. One other thing that helped me was i went from the film to zubsolv (insurance won't pay for films anymore) and having a "pill" took away some of my obsession with sub. I mention this because i am wondering if you continuing to take the liquid dose will that keep you thinking about it?

Maybe in a week or two when the dust settles you won't feel the way you do now. But try Amy's suggestions and give it some time. I am doing very well now thanks to Amy & this forum. Bupe has become just another med i take.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2015 7:24 pm 
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Tiki and Amy,
Both of you just made my day better with your encouraging posts.

Tiki thank you for opening up and sharing your story about being Mother Earth! I can't even imagine how difficult that must've been for you to go through. I think when I started seriously practicing yoga that's when I started getting it in my head that I didn't need (rather, SHOULDN'T need) any medication of any kind to live my life on a daily basis. (Except ambien, I have always remained OK with the fact I take ambien which I know is severely backward and effed up!)

So I went off my 10mg prozac. Actually once unsuccessfully for two weeks and went back on. Somehow I just started skipping days and then didn't refill it. But that was a good 6-8 months later than the first attempt to quit taking that.

Shortly after I went off birth control pills too, thinking my 32yr old body should have a chance to do its thing and have its own cycles etc. Those are both decisions I don't regret.

So then why in the hell can't I wrap my brain around the fact that I have to take a medication every day when it comes to Suboxone??? For the most of the entire first year I was completely OK with that and never really even thought about it.

I feel like the term "once the dust settles" is a good way to describe how I feel right now. Feels like I just went through some stressful ordeal and now I'm trying to recover from it. I still am taking the days off that I had planned to do my jump but tomorrow I'm going to try to keep myself a little busier than I have been. I think that will help.

I think I'm going to stick with the liquid dosing for a couple of reasons. I was thinking that I don't want to set my taper progress back by going above the .3mg that I was at. I am really really going to try to let my body even out at that dose. Also I feel like my addiction revolved Sooo much around actual pills. Like counting pills, organization of pills, building up stashes of pills (none of which are good for anything lol because I'd just eat the ones that would do something to me!) You should see the mini pharmacy we have at our house thanks to my obsession. Everything short of narcotics, I've got it. So long story short, I think the liquid dosing is making me better off. Plus I won't take the liquid with me which keeps me from re-dosing.

I've actually been pretty good throughout my time on Suboxone about only dosing once a day until this last week or so, when I started worrying obsessively about WD... So I'm hoping you guys are right and the obsession calms down again "once the dust settles".

Last night I dosed .4mg (jumped from .3mg but made it more just to be sure I felt better) and could definitely feel my dose a little too much ....and i didn't like it. Jeeeeez there's no pleasing me lol yuck.

Apparently my tolerance got yanked down a little from the jump ordeal...no WD present when I dosed my most recent .2mg again at about 9am. Then I got all nervous (aka being obsessive) this afternoon and didn't want to be bouncing all over the board with varying daily doses... so I took another .1mg to make it consistent at .3mg.

That's the dose I'm going to settle at for the time being. I have a feeling in the future I will want to try this whole jump thing again. I'm already kind of going over it in my head, how low I can actually taper using the liquid method and dragging it out reallllly long next time...

See what I mean?? Obsessed. I am hoping it will pass once I settle down from this. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to post and I'm sorry my posts in return are super super long :(


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