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PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 3:10 am 
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Four and a half years ago, actually almost five years ago now it started with a fall out the front door. I guess you could say it actually started a long time before that with a ear ache from hell. I had never touched anything stronger than a Tylenol, and didnt like taking those until this time. I had teeth taken out before,and they would give me pain pills but I would never take them or get them filled. I did one time when I had a cyst removed, but it made me terribly ill and I never took another one.
Not sure what transpired from then until I had this ear ache, but when I got up that morning it felt like the side of my head was trying to come off. With no health insurance at the time, and no money I did what I only knew to do. I suffered as long as I possibly could. My husband who was my boyfriend at the time, we always called ourselves married even when we wasnt, because neither one of us likes that word boyfriend.Anyways, he knew that I was suffering and figured he would get me one of his mother's pain pills. It was a methadone, just a small tiny sliver. That is all it took to take care of my pain. We were playing Everquest at this time and that night when I logged in the game, they knew something wasnt right with me because I was talking stupid.
From there on, I never really took anything much. The most that I would ever take might be a SOMA or something like that if I had a toothache or something like that. The day that started everything was a normal day , a neighbor came over and asked if I could come and look at his computer. It was acting up, so as I went out the door of the breeze way I fell onto the concrete slab where the steps started to the sidewalk. I fell down on my hands, with my right ankle twisted up behind me. It didnt break it, I never have had broke bone in my life. I couldnt get up, because I had sprung my hands as well. I caught myself with my hands and those were scuffed up and my knees were bleeding. The guy who came over, apparently lost his brains when I fell because I started squalling go get my husband. He just stood there. The lady next door came out and tried to help picke me up.
When we got to the Er that evening, i tried to put it off as much as possible. I didnt really want to go up there, I hated fooling with that place. I got up there and they did Xray's of it and gave me a big brace to wrap around it. They gave me a script of pain pills but I had no money and didnt know how to go about getting them filled. My mother in law got them filled for me the next day, and I took a couple when I got them and from there on I knew that I was hooked. I didnt start off taking 15 pills a day but it skyrocketed to that within a few years. My mother who was on pain medication for a bad back, but never took it gave me whatever she was prescribed because she hated taking the crap. I can remember her giving me a grocery sack with ziploc bags in it, one was Ultram ER, (those things were strong back then), the red Tramadol's, some Xanaflex and then a few Lortabs in another ziploc bag. I had been having trouble with TMJ and when it would flare up, my jaws would throb and honestly if you had knocked me in the head with a pan I might have felt better unconscious lol.
Things honestly didnt go that bad while we lived away from where I grew up, but when we moved back to where I was from I had more access to drugs and I took them as often as I could get them. I didnt feel any pain whatsoever when i was on them at first and the less pain that I could feel, the more that I took. I spiraled out of control about 2 years ago when i was taking Subutex off the street along with Benzo's to knock me out as much as possible. I would take a handful of Lortabs, wait a hour and then take Subutex to get a real good buzz.
I finally wisened up in July of 2011 when I was cleaning out my purse. I found a bunch of cigarette wrappers where I had been crushing up pills and not snorting them but basically throwing them in the back of my mouth so they would take effect quicker.
I was finished with the constant running around, trying to find the drug of choice and spending 200 a week on pills. Enough was enough, I made my first appointment with the Suboxone clinic that was closest to home and the cheapest and I havent looked back.
Its been 19 months, I had one relapse due to financial trouble and I basically started over. I wasnt ready to be off Suboxone, I knew this and my husband knew it but we just didnt have the money to get me there that month. I went to my PCP and he gave me Tramadol and Klonzepam and for two weeks I was in misery. The first two weeks wasnt bad, but when all of the Suboxone came out of my system and I had been eating the Tramadol basically like M&M's to keep me from feeling bad, it got worse those last two weeks.
I called my mother over to the house and told her that we had to get me back into treatment or I wasnt going to make it. I was so sick that I hadnt eaten in about four days, I had been having horrible diarrhea, the doctors told me Kidney stones, one told me possible Endometriosis but they couldnt tell for positive because they had no tests that they could do in the Er to show for definite. So I was back to square one, I got back in the Suboxone treatment and the first day that I took the medicine within two hours I was back to normal.
It still took me about a week for my system to level out, because I was so dehydrated everything that I drank didnt feel like it was doing any good. I was drinking liters of water, and 12 packs of soda as fast as I could shove them down my throat. I finally got what little of an appetite back I could, and I was eating once a day. I lost about fifteen pounds, it takes pretty much starvation for me to lose weight. Which I was basically going through, the sight of food at that time made me sick at my stomach.
Now things are much better. I am supposed to be on 16mg a day, but I am only taking 8mg a day. I have been denied medical insurance because I am on Suboxone and I cant afford the whole script a month. I could, but I just dont feel right taking my husbands whole paycheck just for medication. We were so behind when he got this new job, its taking a while for us to get caught back up. I wish that I could find a doctor who would write Subutex, but in Kentucky there are NONE. If there is one, i havent found him yet. I keep looking however. I have even thought of talking to my PCP about writing it for me. Not sure if even that would work. I just feel bad sometimes because he works to fix me. I have tried getting a job there, but because I have no job history thanks to my first husband they wont hire me.
My first husband is a whole other story for another day. Very abusive, physically and mentally. That is all that I will say about him.
We are enjoying life. We are trying to get pregnant but having no luck at all. We have been trying on and off for four years now. Hoping that maybe something might happen. Highly doubt it, but we try to stay hopeful. Actually now that I think about it, when I fell out the front door was about six years ago. Wow, its amazing how time goes by. That was before my husbands mother passed and that has been five years ago and I know that I fell a year before she passed so that makes it six years.
We have been together ten years, happier than ever. We have never had a dull moment, our love is stronger than it ever has been. We have always been the close type, never afraid to show each other how much we love one another.
That is all for right now, thanks for having me here. I hope that I can give some knowledge and gain some as well.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 11:36 am 
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3 Months or More
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Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 11:13 am
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i really like ur title bumpy smooth bumpy .. thats where i feel like i am. wishing u a good day.


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Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

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