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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2011 12:16 pm 
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Hello to all. So basically I have been addicted to pain pills for a little over 4 years. Going through SEVERE WITHDRAWAL every time I don't have anything. It initially started when I tore a ligament in my shoulder, then when they tried to ween me off them I didn't do so well with that. I've sold things that I once cherished to buy pills, exaggerated injuries to try and get pills from docs. I have went to the ER several times to try and get pain meds.

I feel horrible, this is the NOT the person I once was. I don't want to be this person any longer. Something has to change, something's gotta' give. And sadly, I have kept all of this from my family the entire time. They know the times I have had injuries and used pain meds but they know ZERO about my addictive personality or anything about what I've done.

I'm so afraid to come clean with my family that they'll abandon me and my wife will leave me. Can someone please give me some much needed guidance on where to begin, what should my first step to recovery be?


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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2011 12:46 pm 
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BTW, I heard of suboxone from a friend so that's how I found this forum. I don't even know what my first step toward getting on soboxone would be....Thanks again. Also, I have heard it's soooo expensive but it doesn't matter as long i can get right again. It's been way too long.


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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2011 8:17 pm 
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Hi loney, welcome to this forum.

You are not alone here let me tell ya! I was so scared and lonely in the end of my active addiction. I was the only one in the world who knew how bad I was getting. My husband found my drugs and needles and finally it was out in the open. I was terrified he would kick me out of the house. He was supportive though and he found a detox place pretty fast and I got on suboxone there. It was virtually painless, I was in a great place.

You ask what your first step to recovery should be.....that is a big question. I guess only you can answer that. I just know that when my husband found my shit and I was honest, things just improved from there. If you want to get on suboxone you should educate yourself about it. Know it is not easy to get off of. Know that there are some side effects. But also know it can get you out of active addiction and give you some time to get yourself together. I have been on it a year and I think it saved my life. I don't know when or if I will ever come off because it is working well for me right now.

I think its great you are reaching out for help on here. If you decide to go on suboxone there is a link at the top of the forum to find a doctor. I would just start there. Good luck and come back and let us know how it goes. Love, orangedoll.


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PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2011 10:55 pm 
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orangedoll, thanks so much for your response! It means alot! The only time I was close to my addiction being open was when I was on unemployment and I virtually spent the entire amount of it on pills. All was well until she got online to check the balance and saw it was nearly emptied. Immediately she asked "are you addicted to pain pills"? I should have just fessed up then I guess.

I lied to my wife and she still has no clue...nearly a year ago I told her it was all for putting money in into an older Mustang that I have and was remodeling at the time. She was still pissed about the money being gone, but we were back on good terms within weeks. But honestly that was probably my best chance to be honest. That was nearly a year ago so I don't know how exactly to go back on that and mend fences.

I will definately look into dr's in my area. IF I decided I wanted to keep this to myself about seeing a soboxone dr. it would be nearly impossible I think. I mean afterall, we are married and I am certain there would be some paperwork involved or something to do with insurance papers.

Do you think it's possible in any way to keep this to myself? I know that seems wrong, but I really want to get right, more than anything in the world right now. But the shame of my addiction and all the lies I've told just seem like so much bad/evil to undo. I would really like to visit a sub dr. by myself and see how that goes? What do you think?


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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 7:38 am 
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Hi lost,

I feel for you and know where you're coming from. In fact I'm sure most of us do. I'm not sure how much of this forum you've read, but you'll find a LOT of information on suboxone as well as addiction in general. (I'd recommend reading a post in the "Why the Anger" category entitled "What is Addiction".) If I were you I would get all the info I needed about suboxone, find a doctor, maybe even see the doctor and get put on suboxone. THEN I would start talking to my spouse. This way you're not going to your wife and sharing a problem; you're going to her with the problem AND the solution. I'd also go to her with materials (like those article from the "What is Addiction" thread) so that you can educate her about both addiction and suboxone.

I know that coming clean about this is going to feel like the hardest thing you've ever done. And it might be the hardest thing ever. But I can tell from your words that you don't want to keep lying to her. It can be done. I highly doubt that if you don't tell her that you could keep the secret forever. I mean, I think she'd find out eventually anyway and that would be more destructive to the marriage than would coming clean and telling her yourself.

I think your idea of going on suboxone is a good one. Opiate addiction is a disease and suboxone is a legitimate medication to treat it. People stay on it for varying lengths of time, all of which are acceptable. It will give you time to get your head and life together and learn to live life without depending on pills to get through the day. It takes a lot of strength and guts on your part to admit your problem and reach out to us the way you have. It's a great first step. YOU CAN DO THIS. Opiate addiction can kills....your life could depend on this step.

Good luck to you and keep posting as often as you need. I imagine you have a lot to express and vent about.

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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 7:23 pm 
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I appreciate your post SO MUCH!!!! I have to find the strength to just come clean, fess up ans straighten my life out befor it's too late.


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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 10:01 pm 
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I found a local clinic I am going to call in the morning. I'm hoping to be seen quickly and hopefully it can somehow still be anonymous. I know that doesn't sound right but I am hoping I can do this with just myself and my dr's. It may seem selfish but I really, really want to go about this without hurting anyone. I know that once I get on the sub that I'll be fine.


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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 10:16 pm 
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Hi Lostnlonely,
I'm so sorry for your struggle and pain.
As i was reading your post i got to thinking that there is a good chance your wife already knows or suspects it. She may also be thinking all sorts of things and not knowing what it is. She may be relieved for you to come clean and actually help you.
One thing I found was to stop hiding and to be honest. here's that saying,we are as sick as our secrets. I was pretty darn sick. I was also quite surprised of the support I got when I came clean. I felt the weight lifted off me to be able to finally be honest.
If we going to get clean we have to change our old ways and being honest is a big one. The Suboxone will help you with the w/d and with the everyday agonizing of seeking the pills. Then we have to work on ourselves and I'm so thankful for the Suboxone.

Suboxone is not cheap but if you have Ins. there is a good chance that will be covered or some of it even. Then you will have to lie about the extra money if you do have to pay for it. One lie leads to another and then we still living active addiction behavior.

Whatever you decide please continue to come back and let us know how you doing.

I hope you get to get into see the Dr. soon. You will feel so much better.

Good Luck

Marie


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PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2011 1:41 am 
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Hi Lostnlonely,

I am new to this forum as well. I can relate to a lot of the things you mentioned in your post. I am very fortunate that my husband knows about my addiction, and he's completely supportive. But I have kept my problem a secret from everyone else in my life, including my mom and sisters who are my best friends. We have always shared everything with eachother, until this. I understand completely when you say you want to just do it on your own. Even though secrets and lies are never a good thing, addiction is unique to each person going through it, and only you know what's best for yourself. For me, I know that I need to work through this on my own (with my husband) before I discuss it with anyone else. I don't know if I'll be ready to open up about it after a month of treatment, or years, but I made the decision to work through it until I feel I'm ready to talk with my close family and friends about it. I suppose in the end I made that decision because I feel that the shame I'm dealing with right now would be compounded and make things even worse if I talked with them about it now, regardless of how supportive they would be. I want to be able to say, I have an addiction but I'm working on it and have taken the steps needed to improve my life. For other people it's best for them to be completely open and honest about this with the people in their lives from day 1. It's important to really do some soul searching and determine what's best for you.

I started suboxone treatment about a week ago. It's really going well for me, and although it's expensive I'm not spending nearly as much on the treatment and prescription as I was on the different meds I was taking before. I hope that you're able to get the information you need to determine the best option for yourself. My advice in the beginning is to find a doctor you're comfortable with. I had consultations with several different doctors, who used different types of treatments, and only started treatment when I felt like I was ready and comfortable with the dr and the treatment. It sounds like you're ready to change your life, so I'm sure once you start looking into your options you'll be amazed at how many people there are who want to help you and be there for you. From the few things I've had time to look at on this forum, it seems like a great place to get information, and inspiration from others going through the same thing.

Good luck, and always remember you're not alone in this fight.

Jlew


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PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2011 7:02 am 
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I have to agree with JLew in that you are the only one who can decide what's best for you and how to handle this situation. Obviously, the whole idea of rigorous honesty is best, but the realities of life come into play and everyone has different challenges and situations that they have to deal with.

It's also possible, like cajunmeme said, that your wife already suspects something is up. Even though we addicts think we cover up our addiction pretty well, often the people closest to us have noticed changes in us and suspect something is up, even if they may not be sure what it is.

I hope you find some peace with all this soon and that you find help with your addiction even sooner. Please do keep us posted on how you are doing. Be well.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Thu May 19, 2011 12:38 pm 
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So the clinic I called this morning, the dr's no longer practice at. They branched out on their own. The cost was 300 dollars for the first visit and something like 50 for all other visits. So far this morning, I have called a bunch of them in my area and they all run around the same price. Several were even 500 for the first visit. I'm still looking for a dr. though and still making a bunch of calls. Mainly, I am still trying to find the strength to fess up about what is going on in my life to the people closest to me and every angle I look at it from it just seems impossible.


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PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2011 2:09 am 
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I would KEEP LOOKING! At the top of every page of the forum is a doctor locator (suboxone-directory.com). There are others as well: naabt.org, samhsa.gov, and suboxone.com.

As for those prices you were quoted, I have insurance, so I don't have experience paying cash myself, but based on what I've heard, those prices are lower than most but more than some. (Right, that's helpful, eh?)

Please don't get discouraged! Keep at it and you'll find the right doctor. And keep thinking on the situation with your wife. I've a feeling a solution will come to you. YOU CAN DO THIS!! Hang in there and please keep us posted.

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2011 12:31 pm 
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Thanks! I am still searching docs and finding prices. I am also mainly hoping and praying that I can somehow find the strength to just come clean with my family. I'm just looking for a sign. I know I am on the right path as far as researching getting on the soboxone but until I take the next step it is just lip service.


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