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PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2014 2:44 am 
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I've been thinking a lot about the determination and will power it takes while on this journey- & I can't seem to decide which part of it is the *most difficult* : detoxing/withdrawling off our DOC,...or is it after the physical hell, once you're clean and attempting to rebuild your life and also STAY off and away from the drug(s)...???
Just wondering what ya all think regarding this topic. Obviously all of it is a challenge, but I'm wondering and thinking about this, b/c during those first several weeks (pretty much the WORST of the Sub withdrawals happened between 20-45 days).... I honestly never believed I'd feel like a normal functioning human being again! I knew eventually the bugaboos would be behind me, but that was SUCH a dark, scary, uncomfertable time that there truly seemed to be NO light at the end of ANY tunnel. I would lay in bed at night and pray to God... asking him to please meet me in the middle of this fight, and to help me "just a little", pretty much desperate to physically feel SOME tiny bit better than I did... I don't know, point is... those detoxing days took a toll on me, and it was honest to God one of the most difficult things I've done in my life (and if you knew me, you'd know what this means- bc unfortunatly I have been through a lot in my 28 yrs).
But now I'm completly over the physical stuff- tho I worry from time to time about PAWS and if it will creep up on me the way it has others)... I feel energetic, and clear headed,...I am feeling actual emotions again, and by some miracle of God, I don't have cravings for Suboxone! The thing is... dealing w/ life on lifes terms has been a bit of a challenge as well. Clearly our sense of self worth and confidance takes a HUGE BLOW in active addiction, so when the time comes to face reality, and deal w/ the outside world again... we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed, and....small. What I'm discovering now, after being clean 4 months... is that, once we're through the withdrawals, and our bodies are cleansed from the drugs,...It takes a great deal of determination and will power ALL OVER again in order to deal with this next chapter: LIFE. I'm struggeling to get my financies in control, I'm feeling self conscious and having doubts about working (just got hired at a new restaurant and haven't worked since before all this began!)....and I'm having a hard time socializing and relating to others as well. It's all a process, and I think with some effort I'll eventually begin to rebuild myself.
But like I said... I can't decide what part takes the MOST determination and willpower- getting clean,...or STAYING clean?? Tell me what thoughts you guys have... and explain why! I'd appriecate any input.
Stay strong! And be well.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2014 10:40 am 
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I wish I had some answers, but I'm right where you are. I'm four months clean as of yesterday. And yea, it was dark times.

Now, it's like the real recovery has begun. Life, as you said it. I don't have an excuse to not be doing my job anymore. I want to move forward and I don't want to be "just getting by." It's a weird process. I'm not sure of it, but now that the physical pain is gone, I know I'm not done in my process of recovery, I need to invest in the life in front of me and that's what I'm doing. I want to be better at my job, healthy, happy and forward-moving. I want to get on with my life.

It's scary and exciting in it's own way. I want to get back to the ambitious person I was before all of this...so many years ago. (Like probably 5 or 6 years ago). And get back to a person who's well-adjusted to life.

Congratulations on four months, I know what you went through!!! I'm 114 days clean today! Woohoo. I know, you don't expect to be paying for poor decisions for so long, you expect the physical pain to be the big one, and maybe it is, but there's still more fixing to do for our bad choices. Best of luck to you,


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2014 1:28 pm 
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Well for me, staying clean has proved to be hardest. I am 6 months clean but had 2 slips along the way. One which I am pulling myself out of now. My slips were brief but still had the same mental affect on me. In the earlier stages, like months 1-3, I was so excited with life. Even though I still felt no energy at times I still laughed so hard at everything and was happy all the time. I had just gotten over withdrawal and was feeling great. However, between 4-5 months when the newness was starting to wear off and I was feeling normal again, I had to figure out where I wanted to go from here. Now that I could operate in the real world normally what did I want to do next. I let my guard down and stopped focusing on recovery and started to try and avoid it and when the opportunity came up I wasn't prepared. I did however learn some things from it, like the fact that I feel better sober than I do high. I was more energetic and sociable and motivated (way more motivated) after 5 months off suboxone than during the few days of being high. Then there is the guilt that goes along with it, and the fear. So I believe this last slip helped me learn some things about myself and helped me enjoy being sober more. I still have to remain aware of this though, because the moment I forget I'll be right back down that road to nowhere. I hoped this helped to answer your question.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 19, 2014 12:28 pm 
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I've detoxed 8 times in 10 years. I've never stayed clean longer than a few months till now. That has everything to do with the upcoming birth of my first child, and a great, stable relationship with my wife.

Staying clean is harder than getting clean. Don't forget that.


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