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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 4:13 pm 
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Long story....bear with me and I'd appreciate constructive criticism-or maybe I should just write a book as a way to make money!!! i certainly have a lot of fucked up stories...mostly due to my ex husband. LOL

Well I need to be honest as honesty is something I say is a necessity in recovery. I am using this forum to disclose this as a way to get support, advice and help from others who have good recovery. I am very upset with myself and am trying not to catastrophize what has happened since it happened for three days and then when confronted I fessed up. Sadly, for me, I had to wait until confronted. I thought many times that I would tell this person what I had done and actually before doing it thought about asking this person first. I have had a back slide in my recovery but it isn’t a failure…it is an opportunity for me to really bump up my recovery program and take a look at why I did this. I try my best to remain accountable, not minimize nor justify, but I am an addict and I know I can be full of bullshit, easily, too.

So…with that said….here goes. As many know who have talked to me I switched from methadone maintenance to bupe about 2 months ago. I have been thrilled to make the change. And really have been doing well on it. So much better than on methadone for the reasons I’ve mentioned a million times: better attitude, more affect, increased sex drive, overall feeling of being “normal” (whatever that is!) and being myself. Although, now that I look back over the past month and the decisions I have made I wonder who the hell is “myself”. Myself before recovery was an emotionally stunted 16 year old adult. I was 14 when I started drinking and 16 when I started drinking on weekends pretty frequently in high school. At that time I tried cocaine once and speed once, smoked marijuana two times and didn’t like any of those. Alcohol took me away from the pain of growing up…issues with my mother, my brother and of course like many of us, issues with self esteem. I was someone who did a lot despite the drinking: played piano and drums, was in several bands, had good grades, was a choreographer for our drill team which won competitions every year. Yet inside I was insecure, and felt defective and that everyone was thinking about me (negatively) all the time! LOL….even though I was “popular”. It was all a façade. I went to college and followed my career path and many reasons for all I did was to prove something to myself and to others…that I was smart enough, good enough, and I thought the more I made, the more I did that it would make me the person I should be. What crap, huh? I sought counseling, went to AA meetings and of course THOSE weren’t for me (this was in my 20’s) and tried cocaine again…but didn’t like it. Someone got me to try codeine cough syrup and well…nirvana…the rest is history.

I digress here again but it is interesting whenever I say that I am “myself” on Bupe when in fact I really don’t think I know who that is. I thought I did. I think I am still in the façade of this ideal “self”. Professional, smart, together, blah blah bullshit. I even write on the forum and catch myself being a psychologist instead of just being me, a recovering and sometimes struggling addict. Denial is such a nice place to be at times…and then when its time to jump out and face ourselves it is not pretty. And I am embarrassed and mortified at my current behavior.
I had 5 years of strong recovery prior to a relapse after my horrendous divorce and custody battle. I kept saying I shouldn’t have lost custody but you know….maybe God does have a plan. I wish I knew what it was because now things with my daughter are even worse and I want to say that this time I did nothing to deserve this and yet I know I have a part in all I do. It’s a matter of facing up to it.
This past year has been a year of hell…I mentioned in my story that my mother died and my father has alzheimer’s and my plan had been to take my father in and take care of him. He wanted that and we were having trouble with my brother who is a methamphetamine addict and sick mentally. The story is too long to go into but suffice it to say it didn’t goes as I planned. My father had begged me to get a restraining order on my brother but my mother was dying and I couldn’t do that to him. Even my mom in her lucid moments said she didn’t want him around…he had been calling her and cursing at her…as she was dying. After she died my father woke me up in the middle of the night and said he thought my brother would kill us and he begged me again to get a body guard or restraining order. Even tho he has alzheimer’s he has reason to have this fear. Their neighbor is ex FBI and he told the police his worries about m y brother and that he carried a gun and if there was a problem that he would be over in a flash as he’d take out my brother. This ex FBI neighbor knew my brother and believed my brother was dangerous and a nightmare…but did anyone believe it in court? No.…it was horrible and I was dealing with this all alone. I then found out my father had cancer and I had been in another state working two jobs to make ends meet, trying to see my daughter every other weekend…and I was overwhelmed. So to get to the end of this part of the story before I got to court to get a restraining order my brother did it and then there was a 2nd hearing that I knew nothing about and he ended up getting “custody” of my father! My father’s worst nightmare. During this time my ex found out about the methadone, called my work and I got fired. So my life, which was going well enough- I was working very hard in a new profession I loved, seeing my daughter, taking care of my parents on the opposite weekends and driving all the time…was ok. I was making it all work. Not taking great care of myself, not going to enough meetings but I did have a counselor and I did my best. After my work found out about the methadone I got fired. All of a sudden I have nothing. And my part in that was I didn’t disclose my methadone use to my job but I shouldn’t have to. They had just given me a bigger office and told me I did a great job (that was after family leave and my mom’s death…they could have let me go then but they knew I did a great job)It was after my ex told them about the methadone and they ua’d me (no employee had been ua’d there before at all even though it is a mental health agency) that I got fired. I asked why they were firing me and they coldly said, “We don’t have to tell you”. So…here I was. In shock, doing well in my recovery despite having so much to deal with, my mother just died, my brother put a restraining order on me and got custody of my dad just because I missed a court date, I had no money working two jobs to make ends meet and couldn’t get another attorney and I was in complete and utter shock. At that point I felt hopeless and alone…but I kept going forward. I talked to my counselor and doctor….they wrote me letters about my 3 years of clean ua’s and how well I was doing in MMT and as I wrote before my ex took me to court during this time as well and said I was a danger to my daughter and the judge agreed I was a junkie on methadone, even though it was through a program and a clinic that I was vigorously following the judge believed I was just a junkie addict, not in recovery at all. (My ex had no idea for the prior 2 years I was on methadone because there had never been on adverse incident….I take great care of my daughter…he has a live in nanny! He doesn’t parent! He even travels on vacation with a nanny)

The rest of the year sucked. I lost my apartment due to loss of my job. I don’t know how I made it…I started a private practice and it was going very slow…I felt overwhelmed, beaten but I refused to give up. And I remained clean and sober. Miracle of all miracles. But I was hating my town, sick of everything, my friends who had stood by me the past 6 years after the divorce and all the crap my ex did (PI on me, harassed me, monitored my computer…and police said they couldn’t do anything until he hurt me) didn’t know what to do or say any more. I couldn’t ask them for more help. I have never been in a place where I wasn’t working or had no place to live. I can see how someone can become homeless in a split second. I got some advice and went NO CONTACT with my ex but he continued to try to track me down. Not only was I grieving so many losses I felt as though I couldn’t even move on because my vindictive ex wanted to , in his words, “Destroy” me. He told me this, that he would do whatever it took and that “my life was over”. One friend thought he was going to kill me. I think they call what he wants to do murder by suicide or something like that. He wants ME to do it…he wants me to get to my end point and kill myself. Believe me I had thought of it….things were so overwhelming. But I forged forward and remained clean and sober.

I made a decision to move out of state recently. It was a risky move but I made a conscious decision to go for it. I had met someone I fell for, I needed a change and I had an opportunity to do some work in a field I really like and the job would be lucrative and fun. It was going to take a bit of foot work, however and I have been negotiating for sign on bonus because after my move I need to find a car, get a place to live etc. and because I had been in recovery for 3 years and had taken 2 years off from dating to work on just me I thought it would be good to be in a relationship. I was ready. I am ready….but it was risky as I just met this person. I felt I knew a lot about him, not everything but enough to believe he was safe and all the things that I thought he was, and I grew very fond of him quickly. He appeared to be a lot of things that I want in a r/s. Intelligent, funny, understanding, compassionate, sexy. You know! We talked on the phone for hours at a time, had great chemistry on the phone and text…had a huge connection . I flew out to see him and it was what I thought. We said it was worth a shot, felt the love feelings…. So I made the plunge to move. I hadn’t been in my new town for 2 weeks when I realized I didn’t think this guy was really ready.It was a push/pull thing…I think he needed more time to adjust.. Of course, all of a sudden there I was. In his space! I think he liked me but because of his own past and fears I felt he was sabotaging something that could be great. I was upset and very sad. I really ended up liking this guy and I had waited 2 years before choosing this person to pursue a r/s with. But it was a complicated situation as most are. We are both divorced, and he has kids, I have a child but my situation is even weirder given what has gone on with my crazy ex….I know I have baggage but I was so happy to be able to have this person in my life. I fell in love and he did too and I was surprised because i didn’t think I’d ever find anyone again. No one I met over the past 3 years interested me at all. He was not just an escape, an addiction. I was working my program and had done the work and even did more grieving work for myself before allowing myself to open up to him. We talked and we had decided to give it a shot…so I came out. but I wasn’t sure if I should go ahead and get my own place because we really hadn’t had the chance to have a normal dating time frame based on how it all occurred. He felt unapproachable to me, was kind of aloof, but he also wasn’t. We’d talk and he was kind and I think he was going slow and of course me being stupid I didn’t get that. I just took it as rejection rather than knowing he needed some space to process. I felt more alienated…but I was going to a few meetings, trying to meet people and this job opportunity gave me hope. I was not yet able to get an apartment but would in a couple of months….a bit too long to wait, however. So as I felt rejected and sad and not understanding that this person needed time to adjust to someone around I took some of his benzos. I found myself so anxious…I had such a hard year and have never not worked or had enough money to take care of myself…I have a little income but not enough to sustain me quite yet. So many losses this year and although I grieved a lot of them I had taken a risk moving here and it backfired on me. I reacted. Badly. I had thought I should just ask this person if I could have a couple of his benzos . I don’t normally take them and I have only once needed them….6 months during my divorce. I knew they would help me from feeling so overwhelmed and help me to stay calm enough to make some decisions as at this point the person wanted me to move out. Which I knew I should do anyway…it was a chance we decided to take. I did know he had a hard time not sabotaging relationships at times but I didn’t expect it to not even get off the ground with us and I felt incredibly sad and to tell the truth, rejected. It was an awful feeling. I know taking the benzos was not my best move. It was not the next right thing. I thought about it a little before I did it but obviously didn’t talk about it to anyone first and yet justified it as I needed to calm down and get perspective and make some decisions. I decided not to ask him for some because he knew I was on Sub and I knew he’d probably say no. I thought about going to a doctor to get some but I have no money or insurance. I thought about calling my sub dr and telling him of my anxiety onset but he has a very keep it simple attitude on sub which is good. I wasn’t taking more than ½ tablet twice a day (one tablet daily) for about 3 or 4 days….and I wasn’t planning on staying on them…I just wanted some relief from my anxiety as I had fallen for this guy and now was having to move out in a new city.I wanted this relationship to have a chance and I was feeling powerless…you know? That he didn’t give me a chance to get to know me…and although he did say things were getting better each day (and I do respect his process and my being in his space) I still felt so sadly rejected, plus we had his kids there at times and it was a lot to handle for all of us. My financial situation will improve but sadly I was dependent on staying with him until that changed. I have never put myself in this situation before….and never will again-financially I mean. I didn’t want to feel like a loser…dependent…because I am not that, it is just what happened to me this year losing my job. So after I came home from a meeting and this guy very kindly broached the subject of missing benzos. I thought he took them prn but he takes them daily so he was not going to have enough to get through the month. I was mortified. 1.) at my behavior and 2.) that I would hurt him in this way both physically and emotionally. What had I done? Who had I become in a few short days just because this r/s wasn’t working out as I had expected? And it might have if I had just chilled the fuck out. Just because he needed space I took it as total rejection and catastrophized it for myself. Initially, I lied to him about the benzos but then told him the truth. He was kind about it. Amazingly. I drove a half hour to go to another meeting right then but I couldn’t find it in this new city and ended up coming back 1 ½ hours later not even making that meeting. I put in a call to a woman I met at a meeting today hoping to talk to her about it and I’ll go to a meeting today.

I just wanted to be honest about this….My guy friend wanted to put me in treatment but I don’t need treatment. I’m not rationalizing any of it. I just know that I had this idea that we were both committed to giving this r/s a shot…we had both been hurt a lot and both felt we “deserved” some happiness and we had potential for a good r/s. I had not been so happy for the first time in 6 years and I felt not even 5 days into being here this r/s was not given a chance. I am not at all happy about my behavior…I reacted to what was going on rather than responded to it in a mature way. I knew what he needed….he told me before I got here but the feeling of rejection loomed so large that I forgot to do what I normally would do….give space, back off, reassure and live my life. Without my own finances for a few months living my life is challenging and I did NOT come here to have him rescue me. I have a lot of education and skills and can do many things. I just thought I’d have some more time to get the job, and a car and then an apartment if needed…and instead of being an adult and acting in recovery I fucking took this poor guys benzos. What a jackass. (me). Now I feel completely powerless and I need to quickly make decisions and give him back his apartment and space and make a life for myself either here or elsewhere. I have some great opportunities here but do I want to remain here in this city? My “home” town is not home for me any more. I could literally throw a dart on a map and just go there and try again….except this job offer is huge for me. I like it here, too and I have started to make a few friends. This is no ones fault. I don’t blame him or me. I just wish we could have had more time to give this a shot. I know what I felt and I know it was not just silliness…I am old enough to know that…we had the courage to take the jump but we didn’t really see it out. I have a feeling this guy doesn't want to really see me or deal with me now...even though there was the benzo thing and I understand that is huge, I think that I'm not the right one for him, or him me. It might have been ok had I just gotten an apartment and we dated instead of enmesh ourselves immediately. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

I’m open for thoughts, ideas, criticism (constructive please, no mean comments as I do that to myself already). I believe it’s a blip (taking the benzos) but not in a flippant way, I don’t believe I have relapsed in a way that gives up all my recovery but that I obviously need to ramp up my program and look at what the fuck is going on with me. I knew I was taking a huge risk coming here…I prayed and prayed about it, talked to one trusted person who was equivocal for sure but said go for it, why not, and both of us said we would take the risk and then commit to giving it our best shot because we had a lot in common, a lot of chemistry and potential. I don’t feel that I got that chance. I do feel he bailed quickly out of fear and old behavior, but what do I know? I have a part, too and I know I reacted to the stress of it all not my best by any means.

Thanks for listening to the long diatribe…I do think it is important to know how much I have gone through and that I didn’t move here to run away from my problems, that it had been a year of dealing with this last part (my moms death, the judge saying I was junkie on methadone and not seeing my daughter except one day a month for one hour supervised) but that I was giving my own life a chance at happiness and this new career that I still am working towards (It will start in a couple of months-I was offered the job and we are negotiating salary, sign on bonuses etc right now.)

Obviously taking benzos was an unhealthy decision yet it did help me calm down and get my thinking clear enough to stop reacting to everything that was happening. What a big baby, huh? The move out here? I still believe it was a big decision, not taken lightly but I believed in the potential.
Ok, bring it on…..


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 5:32 pm 
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Whew....quite the story. Some of those things have happened to me. It sounds as though you realize something isn't right....its all in the past now, so the only real issue is: what are you going to do today? Good intentions and plans for the future are fine, but they never helped me to stay sober at all. You kind of answered many of your questions within you tale: pushing recovery to the backseat, jumping into a relationship, biting off more than you could chew at every opportunity. Even now, it sounds like you are minimizing the seriousness of your relapse.

I intend these to be observations, not nit-picking criticism. The only way I relate is because I have done the same sort of things, often multiple times! That is why I've been in and out of AA for 32 years and am working on my first year for the fourth time. I also have two five year coins, a ten-year, and a fifteen year....not that any of those mean a damned thing today.

I was at my home group last night and we discussed keeping things simple. I have a sign with K.I.S.S. (keep it simple, stupid!) on my door and could probably benefit from having it branded on my forehead. Looking back, I see my mistakes clearly (hindsight is always 20/20): going to extremes, complicating things.....now I see that analyzing and debating made me feel better, while allowing me to appear busy while getting nothing done. At the time, though, I believed everything I did was justified. I prided myself on progress in the program, but I'd never really accepted Step One!

I was told, in the most blunt way possible, that I needed to shit or get off the pot. I did well on methadone, then suboxone, for years....lost my job, then my benefits, tried tapering off on my own, then drank for five days. I damn near killed me, and I checked into rehab on 09/16/10. 10/14/10 would have been 16yrs sober....not that it matters. All I have been able to do is put all that crap behind me, and start trying to do the next right thing. I've had to get very serious about priorities....because if I don't put my sobriety above all my other desires, they won't matter, because I'll be dead.

Sorry....please don't take this as some sort of lecture, but I hope my experience might offer some insights. It really is very simple, but rarely easy. A good test for me is that things that make me feel uncomfortable....and that I don't want to do, are probably just what I should do. Its one of many recovery paradoxes: I fought tooth and nail for decades against accepting that my best efforts were killing me....but when I gave up on that, things began to improve. AA is what I use, but there are other programs.....just find something to cling to, then never let go!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 5:55 pm 
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First of all, please allow me to acknowledge for you that you HAVE INDEED been through hell. I think it might help you to know that others see the unusual and extreme stresses you have been through.

I don't consider what happened to be a relapse. It's a bump in the road. Like you said, you reacted instead of responding. Then you got caught up quickly in old, knee-jerk, self-doctoring behaviors. At least that's how I see it.

I'm not sure if I'm right about this or not, but it almost sounds like you got a bit too comfortable in your remission. That allowed the old addict behavior to creep in unbeknownst to you. And once it took over, it grabbed a hold quickly. Ask yourself this - where would this have honestly gone if he never noticed them missing? I fear that it would have gotten worse. Especially if you consider the fact that you initially lied about it. Oh, and to be sure, I'm absolutely no judging you. We're addicts who act like addicts sometimes. It's a matter, I think, of remaining vigilant and always being on the defensive so those old habits/behaviors don't surprise us.

I think you have enough insight into yourself to be able to move beyond this.

Oh - and as for needing to decide where to go. I look at it this way, you're already there and you have this new job that will likely come through for you. Maybe where you are at is exactly where you need to be. And you never know, you and this man might be able to back up and re-start things slowly. Maybe not, but it would be an added bonus of staying put.

I fear that this relationship and how it all came down will only make you that much more skittish in the future. But I don't believe that has to be the case. Again, I think you have the proper tools and skills to work through that. And I commend you for owning up to this. It's a damn good way to start growing from this experience and to move on. It is, after all, an opportunity to learn more about yourself.

And on that note, (now who's writing a book?) let me say one final thing. The person you are now IS a whole new person. Don't doubt that. And give yourself time to figure out exactly who that person is. I know for me, the post addiction me is actually a way better person than I ever was pre-addiction.

I'll shut up now. I hope some of this gives you more perspective and insight from the outside. Stay vigilant, my friend!

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 6:02 pm 
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Whooops....forgot the question in your thread title. No, I don't think you sound like a "crazy" addict....just an addict!

As to hatmakers comment: "bump in the road" sounds so much better than relapse, but to me they're the same. All you can do is learn from it and go on.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 6:39 pm 
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I lost my reply...damn!
Thank you Moman and Hat. I almost PM'd you Hat and asked that you delete my post...I had a "morning after" moment...scared I said too much. And Moman, you are right, I hide behind my analyzing everything. I think I am doing something and i am not. I am hiding and bullshitting myself.
Something huge has happened to me over night. I got a chance to look at myself. Not liking what I see, although I do see the good things in me, too, i see how much more I need to prioritize my recovery. I say a lot of bullshit here on the forum about doing the next right thing, rigorous honesty...accountability.....and look what I've been doing for several days now? bullshit bullshit bullshit. You know when I like myself the most? Is when I am telling my real story. Not that i love telling the sordid story but when I am being real and not trying to pretend I am so together or so brilliant or so perfect. Geez.
So, now I am glad I posted this even though I was scared. Thank you for saying I was owning up to this but we shouldn't need to be thanked for being honest! isnt' that funny? That when I am honest it sometimes feels like such a big deal! Like I should be thanked! How sick is that? LIke doing the next right thing....why do we need to be recognized for doing what most people do? (me, not we, sorry....)I need to look at that. I am not doing something heroic by being honest.
And I've never liked the term lapse. I relapsed. I need to call it like it is because I can so easily minimize what I do. I would h ave liked myself a whole lot better had I just gone to this guy and said, Hey baby i am not doing well and could use a benzo...at least it would h ave been real. And Hat yes, where would I be if he hadn't found out? Good observation and question. I did feel very very guilty taking his....very. sick and sad. I don't know if I would have taken any more of his but I'm an addict. Would I have gone to a doctor to ask for some? Maybe. I don't think I'd stay on them very long because the one time in the past i was on them I did use them one tab a day and got off in 6 months. But I can't afford to be on them for 6 months. I need to just deal with my feelings. I feel hurt and sad and afraid. At times angry but at me more than anything. This guy could be doing me great harm by calling police, or hurting this new job and he isn't. I am thankful for that. But I know in my mind I am still justifying my using them because of what I wanted to have happen here and its not. I am a big baby. I'm not getting what I thought i wanted. Poor me. But something did happen good out of this. I woke up today and took stock. an honest look at myself. I need to take care of me. He matters in that he is a human and a good guy, I care about him, but my life doesn't revolve around him. I have a life and it will be a good one as long as I stay clean. And honest. and accountable. i asked him a question once about bill clinton...can someone like that, or any of us lie in one area of our lives (an affair in this situation with bill) but be honest in other areas. he said yes. I say no. Because if i am not honest in all areas it is a slippery slope....I can start to do all sorts of small things....maybe I'd like on a chart, maybe I'd steal a dollar, then 100 dollars...you know what I mean? We cannot afford to not be vigilent in all areas (I mean me, not we) and today I realized how much time I have been wasting worrying about this guy, worrying about things that don't matter and not taking care of business. I am usually active and I have been lazy. Today is the start of a new way of living for me. I am almost grateful for this because it had to happen. I am ok without him and I can accomplish what I set out to do. Am i a bit afraid? Yes of course. I hope all goes smoothly with this job and I do need finances to come in....I'll pray and do the footwork...its' all i can do. thanks so much for your thoughtful responses.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 8:22 pm 
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Look on the positive side...apparently you made a mistake, admitted it, and asked for help. That is how it is supposed to work. Keeping it hidden, or telling yourself it was nothing may have worked for awhile, but could have led to a festering wound that led to far worse.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 10:53 pm 
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Chinagirl,

Don't beat yourself up, I know that's easy to say, but you had a little setback. Use it as a learning experience and move forward stronger and wiser than you were before it happened.

It's funny how when it comes to learning most anything that we all have to try and try again before we master it. Think riding a bicycle. I spent more time on the ground the first few hours than I did on the stupid bike. Recovery is like learning how to ride a bike. It takes some serious guts and sometimes we fall off and scrape the hell out of our knee, our pride too! Almost everything in life takes practice before we get good at it, why should recovery be any different?

Get back on that bike and start pedalling again!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2011 11:44 pm 
@Chinagirl, well like others have said I dont consider what you did to be a relapse, admittedly I didnt read the whole thing because Im lazy and it hurt my eyes looking at all that text lol I just skipped to the parts about taking teh benzos but I know how horrible anxiety can be (I have social/general anxiety disorder and most days am terrified to leave my home) and I take lorazepam as needed for it. I'm in treatment and my counselor is acting as if Im relapsing by taking them even tho I have a prescription and its from my sub doc as well so its not like Im getting em from a doctor who doesnt know my addiction history, addiction is the only reason I even see him so he's not gonna put himself at risk for no reason. My point being is that while my counselor pretty much tells me Im relapsing by taking them I know that Im not so what Im getting at is you realy need to look into yourself and evaluate the reasons you took them because whe cant call it a relapse only you can if you believe it was but if you took them for true anxiety (which I believe you did) then I would not look at it like a relapse or you did anything wrong. I know some people dont believe in anyone needing a benzo to overcome anxiety (I deal with it everyday people telling me to just "get over it") but its BS sometimes they are the only thing that can help.


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2011 11:46 am 
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Hi China, I finally took the time to read your whole story. It sounds like staying in your new location is reasonable considering you have a good job offer and are making friends there. Maybe if you have your own place you can re-build a relationship with your boyfriend, but at a much slower and less intense pace. The only question is: will this enable you to still see your daughter? Even if you only see her once a month, that is going to ve an important visit - an if your relocation prevents it you will probably really regret it.
As far as the benzo's...I wouldn't consider taking 4 benzos a relapse. It also sounds like you wouldn't have taken them if you knew you were going to leave your boyfriend short. (This is coming from someone who used to be a big medicine cabinet shopper, so take it with a grain of salt). He obviously though it was a very big deal (he wanted you to go to rehab for it?). This is certainly and issue, and it will take time to regain his trust.
It sounds like you have been through hell, so be gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up. It sounds like you have a lot of positives going on and I hope you can build on them.
I hope your father is OK. It sounds like a horrible situation, but just do what you can for him withoug putting yourself in physical danger. Are you far away from him now?
Take care and keep us posted.
Lilly


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 12:26 pm 
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Thanks Lily, and thanks to all who offered support and guidance. that is why we are here, right? This is not a disease to deal with alone. I've tried it, believe me. I've prided myself on being super independent, not "needing" anybody or needing a relationship and asking for help is still challenging. Pride is not very pretty.

My moving out here to be with this man was not an impulsive decision although it really sounds like it from the outside and maybe a tiny bit on the inside, too! But there was a reason I did this the way I did it. It wasn't because I was afraid I'd lose him, or I was lonely, or needing anything from him....We both thought and I reiterate BOTH thought that we might have had something special....so much in common, so much to talk about, lots of chemistry, both fairly stable people, both with baggage naturally...but not insurmountable. I had a opportunity to spend about 4 months here and I thought it would be good to see if this relationship was going to be what we thought it would be. I stayed with him at his apartment because financially it would have been silly for me to put out a lot of money I don't have on an apartment...only to leave in 4 months if it didn't work out. He did tell me ahead of time that he has a really hard time with change (don't we all? but I think his is very warranted based on what he has been through...)but I was not prepared for how difficult it would be for him.Nor was I prepared for his reactions or nonreactions back to me. I reacted to a lot of what was happening instead of just roll. I became much too emotional and I really do try to keep my emotions in check. I thought this move through and really felt positive about coming out. I know he was afraid but he was willing. But I was surprised to see how much he backed off and yet I understand it, too. Then there we are....sort of trapped together...and instead of me just living my life I was here in his space. When I realized I would very quickly need to move out I got pretty anxious. It was not about not being with this guy....I am not insecure and am comfortable in my own skin...I would like a relationship now, but don't need one.( I did wait 2 years before dating.) But the anxiety came from having to figure out so much so quickly and with limited financial resources. Had i been working a lot prior to coming here I could have either gone back to my town to work or at least had some money to take some time to figure this all out....but I have to get a car and an apartment and i also want to get an office to do my private practice as well as this other job. The other, more lucrative job, won't start for 3 months and I have some footwork to do to make that happen. There is a slim possibility that something might hinder me being able to do that job and I'm waiting on answers right now. So the benzo fiasco came after that all hit me. I have only been here 2 and a half weeks! and have already accomplished quite a lot for being under this stress. I guess my r/s expectations were a little too high. I thought we'd at least give it a couple of months! LOL

I appreciate hearing everyone's ideas....I need to think clearly, unemotionally and I am doing that now. Inititally I wasn't and I regret that. I don't know if I will want to continue to try to have a r/s with him. Although if I did think it was so special and i came here I probably don't need to just bail. I think that is an emotional reaction based on the fact I feel that I deserve much more than what happened. Not that he can't be afraid of the changes but more the other negatives that happened with his behaviors. It's hard being off balance because like I said i couldn't do what I would normally do and that is back off/out and keep on with my life and let things progress naturally the way they were supposed to, if they were.

So, i'll continue to pray and stay open to what is supposed to happen for me. I have some options and they are positive. I need time to analyze it all...and FYI I have NOT taken any more benzos, didn't ask my dr for any. Don't need them now.
And I apologize for writing such ridiculously long posts....it would help to stop and edit and not repeat myself so much....I'll work on that!


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 5:38 pm 
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I completely understand the difficulties of the situation you were in (are you out of his place now?). I remember many years ago having roommates and getting along terribly poorly with them. And being in an enclosed space with them was bad, and it's so much worse when it's THEIR space and not yours.

You mentioned thinking emotionally and it made me think of something I've said before. With your profession and all, you probably know this already. When our emotions are high or intense, our rational thinking is low or poor. I've learned that when we express those emotions, their intensity drops and when they drop, rational thinking goes back up. I try to express how I feel when I'm like that so those feelings aren't so intense.

So if you need to express all this on this forum, well, GO FOR IT. That's what we're here for. Share with us how you're feeling, the challenges you're facing, and all of your emotions about it.

It sounds like you're doing really well and I hope you continue to. Hang in there and thanks for keeping us posted.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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 Post subject: Support
PostPosted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 11:09 pm 
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Chinagirl
I have kept up with all your post and was certainly glad that you were able to switch sucessfully to suboxone from methadone. You have had a rough time and it appears you continue to have a rough time. I have been a support of you and although I understand what you presented I can't help but look at the other side as I have been there and to be honest not to cause problems I think there has been some hand holding and minimizing going on.

I have clearly taken pills from others before and even though I got away with it I knew they knew I did it. I think someone said well you were having anxiety so you took benzos that is acceptable (again not an exact quote). Well I had pain so I took pain pills......does that make it ok...NO. If I steal pills from my girlfriend or family or her family does that mean a bump in the road or a relapse.........definitely a Relapse. It means going to jail if they call the police. You said your guy could have called the police. I read one of your post where you said a friend of yours called the cops on you because you took some of her pills.........although you said charges were dropped this is a pattern.

I think for this guy to offer to take you to treatment means he probably cares about you. Does he know your background....?

Is he in recovery...? If so did you jeopardize him with your actions because you said he would have w/d from the benzos you took. Does he have pill counts?

When I read this I was alarmed......I am a guy and I have dated a woman in recovery before and I know two people in recovery can be a good thing and can also be catastrophic...I think someone in recovery would probably understand it better than someone not in recovery.

I do belive you shouldn't beat yourself up and continue even more focused on your recovery but in my eyes and my sub doctor if he was to drug test me could be very dangerous and not just a bump in the road.

I think admitting what you did is a big step but you should now be even more focused on what you need to do. I have read your bottom story and this is nothing like it......but it is very serious. I wish you luck as you continue your journey.........

Jim


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 12:23 pm 
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Hatmaker....been trying to respond to your post for a couple of days....internet issues...

You know I really am grateful for the people who take the time to respond to others here....this forum has become one of the steps in my personal recovery and I look forward to reading stories, trying to offer my own experience, strength and hope and to receive experience, strength and hope back. That is what recovery is about. We cannot do this alone. My belief, anyway. I know. I have tried and look where it got me? I have lost even more in my addiction...and yet I also believe there is a lot for me to learn if I am willing to open up my eyes to my own crap and denial...that is why, for me, going to meetings is a necessity. Not everyone has good stuff to say for sure and we have to, or I have to be careful who i bring into my circle of trust so to speak (thank you Fockers. LOL) We are all in different places in recovery and what I do is look for people who have what I want....and that includes people on this forum (based on a history of what they say, not just one or two posts). I think we can tell here who is serious about recovery and I don't say that in judgement of anyone but just that it is important for me to be aware when I am listening to "advice".

I certainly do not want to be coddled in my recovery. My life depends on honesty and reality. I'm not perfect by any means and taking those benzos was stupid. I believe what Reraise said when he posted that this is serious. There def was several who minimized it for me and altho I appreciate the support and the willingness to post to me I have to be careful not to rationalize and minimize and justify...things I am very good at. I have said this before and I believe it. I do not have another recovery in me. Last week I would have said I was barely hanging on...three years in sobriety, again, and back to that old thinking. I sort of blame methadone but not entirely. It did affect my thinking but I also continue to have a part in all I do...that includes making the decision to go on methadone. When I did that three years ago did I really choose methadone becuase I thought an opiate agonist might get me high? If I am honest I am sure that crossed my mind. I complained about sub prices back then but I found a way to pay for my addiction...so for me it goes back to that point. Being honest from there and going forward...what the hell have I done to myself again? And it my fault. I didn't do the things that I know that I NEED in order to maintain a peaceful and useful recovery. So, reraise is right....there were a lot of things I did not think about, even though I knew most of them, when I took those benzos from my guy. I was completely and utterly selfish and it doesn't matter what my feelings were at that time, I put him in jeopardy. He is in recovery and is accountable for pill counts and all of it. I fucked up and luckily it wasn't worse than it turned out to be. So much more could have happened...and it goes to show me how quickly my brain can go from recovery to relapse thinking in a split second if I am not diligent.

So, to get to what I was really going to say back to you, Hat, is that it is important for me to talk about my feelings...something I can do easily now but it took me years to understand what the hell a feeling was. I remember my first treatment and i was like Sandra Bullock in 28 days...FINE was my answer to everything and I was not allowed to use that word after about 3 days in treatment. I literally had to ask a PA who was in treatment (and who is now dead from this disease sadly) what they were talking about when they kept harrassing me in group (!) about my feelings. So I wrote on my hand like a cheating on a test the 6 main feelings so i could at least give them an answer (Mad, Sad, Glad, Afraid, Ashamed, Hurt) Eventually, I learned how to get in touch with myself and now I still struggle facing some of the feelings but I def know how I am feeling! And I have to find trusted people to talk about this shit with. that doesn't mean going to an AA or NA meeting and speaking in very specific ways about my life. THat is not how it is supposed to work. We talk in a general way what happened and what our solutions have been..and find a sponsor or spiritual mentor or whomever to talk about the specifics.

I have moved out of this guys place and even just one night out has given me even more clarify. A couple of friends came to get me last night and we went out and to a meeting and I learned even more about myself in just a couple of hours....it is amazing when we open our eyes (or, when I open my eyes) how the answers will come. I have a belief in God so I do pray...I also do the work I have to do, I don't JUST pray and hope God throws me down a job, or some money or something...but my prayers this past week have been about clarity...clarity about what to do and who the fuck i really am. And I went to several meetings and every single meeting I went to I heard things I didn't want to hear but because I am open to the truth for myself I needed to hear them...and in just a short week so much has changed for me. What I realized about how I make decisions has been brutal. How much I operate out of a fear base and how much it hurts me. That I have not been grateful and that I feel like I deserve things in life...Not that I don't deserve love or happiness or any of that I am talking about being in a place full of pride and no humility whatsoever. So I started to just let go of it all...all the things I thought I deserved and have tried to open myself up to what God wants for me (ok, I am NOT a bible beater type so please excuse all the God talk, it is what I believe is all...not trying to push it on anyone) and how can I be useful in helping another addict and not be so selfish.

I was selfish taking those benzos...and yet when I tooke them I felt I deserved them because of what I was feeling. It didn't cross my mind to think outside myself at that time...I just thought about me. once again. I didn't do what I now I need to do in my recovery. Call someone, reach out, ask for help, etc. I didn't think about what taking a benzo would mean to my own recovery. I only thought about how I could stop these horrible feelings of powerlessness and fear. God, I get so sick of myself...and last night at this meeting I got to laugh about it finally. Not taking the benzos, but laugh at myself and we have to laugh...if I don't get real, get honest I'll die. that is no laughing matter....but I also have to keep my sense of humor and stop being so intense about things. That, again, is fear for me.

It is amazing how recovery works. I open up, talk about the real me and good things happen back. It always amazes me. Yesterday I was trying to buy a car and it didn't work out and I was afraid...so stupid....afraid of what? That I'd have to walk to get groceries? (well, actually, my job is quite far away but still...)but a bunch happened last night that took care of a lot of my financial worries...No, I didn't win the lottery damn it but I have found a place to live, a car, a way to give back, and hopefully next will come the jobs that I want to do...

Wow, another book and I hope I am not sounding self righteous. Because believe me, there is no room in my life for it...I just feel that since starting Bupe a lot of really good things have happened for me...and even though a lot of stupid stuff has occurred, too, like taking the benzos, I have once again learned a lot about myself. And my recovery feels like it is on the path it is supposed to be again. I have a glimpse of peace today...and of happiness....


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 1:38 pm 
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Reraise....i responded in my earlier post today to some of what you said, kind of interspersed in there...I appreciate your honesty about my situation...that especially looking at my personal addiction history this is something serious and not to be taken lightly...the pattern you mentioned...wow, that hit me hard. Although i'm gald you said it because i hadn't thought of it like that and I need to.

I know you have been a supporter of me....I knew that from your first post to me when I joined in November. You were one of the reasons i stayed around in this forum...you appear to have a seriousness of recovery that is vital and I think you respond thoughtfully as well as honestly to people here. An online forum with a 1.5 million people viewing is kind of daunting at times and yet we put our stories out there so we can get help. and support each other. I've said it before but we have to be careful, as addicts, not to let others keep us sick..meaning you were right that there was some hand holding about my benzo use. I know people mean well but we can't be afraid of hurting each others feelings if we feel a truth needs to be revealed. I feel that way anyway and i think I have said that i want others to tell me the truth. So again i appreciate it.

I answered some of your questions in my previous post and i won't repeat them but your questions made me think things through even more and to maybe understand why he'd want me to go into treatment. I don't need treatment but i get why he'd go there. My history is chronic opiate relapse. CHRONIC. We have a progressive disease that doesn't get better and leads to only three outcomes: Jail, institutions/treatment, death. I have had clients tell me they think that is bullshit for someone who is an addict it is the truth. Ok, starting to go on a tangent...but what I do know I need is to ramp up my recovery and that is what i am doing. Get out of myself....help others....stop thinking about me so much....

I've really fucked up a lot and I can get very down on myself and feel hopeless about who I am at times. Yet I know that, like Hat said, the person I am in recovery is the real me. it amazes me that my addict thinking is so powerful at times and how much I need to look at to be the person i am meant to be.

I hurt this guy by stealing his benzos and he could have called the police. He could have had his bottle fingerprinted, had my ua'd...all of that. And initially when he confronted me I lied. I go straight for the lie but i'm not good at it even though that is how I protect myself....I didn't lie for long...maybe 30 minutes but who cares. The point is not that I ended up telling the truth...the point is what was going on that I took them? And by saying it that way I am not minimizing the effect it had on him but talking about me as a chronic relapsing addict what was happening in my life that I need to look at?

So i've made some changes. Again, not looking for accolades, just talking about my own solution to how I handle this disease. I still have a hard time reconciling the diseaes model although I do believe it. It is hard to reconcile it when I am resonsible for so much of this outcome. Good and bad.

you said good luck on my journey...it made me feel weird....I don't want this journey...I mean I don't want to continually doing stupid ass things. We won't ever be perfect I know but i'd rather have the constant in my life be doing the next right thing, not the constant in my life asking for help and having to look once again at why I made another stupid mistake.
Progress...? hopefully


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 Post subject: Not Good
PostPosted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 8:45 pm 
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I post this not for anyone to make me feel better but to just make sure we all get it when we are making the choices we make....I just do NOT think sometimes...I just react...and my own needs take precedence.

I found out that me taking the benzos has in deed put my guy into withdrawals. I did not realize that he took the medication daily...I thought it was prn and I can't say I wouldn't have taken them still but I do remember thinking it won't hurt him if I take them. (w/d wise). My god we know what w/d are like. I have never had benzo w/d but it can't be good. If I knew how I'd try to find some and no, I'm not asking for any here, I'm just saying I wish i could fix it. For fuck's sake, what an idiot. My heart hurts knowing I did this to someone, and someone I care about. Jackass. (me)


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