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PostPosted: Sat Jul 03, 2010 12:51 pm 
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I will spare yall the gory details. I was a successful sub user who stayed clean for a year. Did what I was supposed to and unfortunately the closer I got to being off the sub the more I wanted to use again. I went from 8 mg a day to 1 mg a day in about a year. I would like to blame my use of starting pills again on the fact that I had major dental work which may have been the beginning but it was my choice to stop the sub and start the pills again. So for the last 3 months I have been through that hell again. I am a nurse though or was a nurse until Thursday when I finally told my fiance everything....he never knew I was on sub to begin with.....I quit my job and I am now waiting for my appt with my sub doc so I can tell him how bad I relapsed and how much I need his help again. I can't get in until thurs. I have some sub left but not enough until then so of course I am doing what I need to do to keep from going through withdrawal which isn't that the reason I chose sub in the first place. To say I am angry and bitterly disappointed in myself would be an understatement. I am disgusted with myself. I was doing so well and so close to being off of the sub.....too early maybe....but no use in wondering now. I did what I did. i blame it on no one but myself. I made a choice...the wrong choice and now I have to start over again. I have a love/hate relationship with sub but it saved me once and maybe it will again. This time I will actually stick to the therapy and meetings which I chose to lie about last time and see if I am in fact not a "special" kind of addict who doesn't need to do everything I am told. My fiance is totally supportive, financially and emotionally and is willing to help me any way he can. I have chosen not to put myself back in the high risk profession that I was in again because it made being an addict too much easier.....as in easier to obtain. I told myself how sad I would be to not be a nurse anymore but the truth of the matter is that I stopped loving it 1o years ago. so here I go.........again. Glad to "meet" others who may not be exactly in the same boat I'm in but then again we all have our own stories Don't we?


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 Post subject: welcome!
PostPosted: Sat Jul 03, 2010 1:24 pm 
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Hi Nurse,

First of welcome to the forum. I'm glad that you have decided to join us, as you will get a lot of support here from other people on Sub. I am sorry to hear that you relapsed back on to opiates, but please do not beat yourself up about it. It's the nature of the disease to relapse and I myself have relapsed several time, even on Sub. I did a short detox on Sub twic, only to relapse again, because I was told on another forum to only use Sub short term. Well that certainly did NOT work for me. I was SO grateful to find this forum and to find other people like me that need to use Sub on a long term basis.

I am also really happy to hear that you have a supportive husband. Most of us lose all of our support when we finally make the decision to get clean for good. Your husband sounds like he is awesome and understanding so you already have one of the important supports right there with you.

I can only imagine how diifcult it would be to be a nurse and have all those opiates so readily availble to you. It's great that you had the strength and courage to quit your career, especially if it was so detrimental to your recovery! There are quite a few nurses on this site, setmefree is one that I am sure will be along soon, and able to give you some additional support.

I can certainly understand how disappointed you are in yourself, but again PLEASE do not be too hard on you. I understand that the guilt and shame can be overwhelming at times, but at some point you are going to have to forgive yourself, and just look ahead to recovery. I know that is easier said than doen though, as I also feel pretty badly about myself, but as each day passes and I get a little stronger, I am finding that it so much better and healthier for me to look ahead at what I can change and just keep taking the next steps to do the next right thing.

The good thing is that you are already familiar with Sub and know that it works for you, do your induction should go smoothly since you already know what to do and what to expect. it's too bad you cannot get in right away when you are so ready, but it will be here soon enough and then you can start working on your recovery and trying to be able to forgive yourself.

It's kind of funny, but not really, that we all think we are different or special and do not need to go to meetings or need any help in our recovery. That was another huge radblock for me, to actually reach out and ask for help, but when I was finally able to, it made my life so much better. My thinking that I was so different is how I got in to so much trouble in the first place, so now when I have a great idea, I bounce it off people here that have been through it, to see if it is really a good idea or not.

So, again welcome, aske anything you need to, I'm sure that you will find this forum as supportive as I have.

Take care,

Ginger


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 03, 2010 2:06 pm 
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Hi flabamanurse and welcome to the forum -
It sure sounds like you've been through hell, but as Ginger said, try not to be so hard on yourself. Continued shame and anger can only be detrimental to your recovery. Try to find it within yourself to look forward instead of back, because when we stop looking backwards, the shame usually subsides. I think it's smart of you to not focus on whether you came off the sub too soon or if it contributed to your relapse. That tells me you are already starting to look forward. And the next thing you know Thursday will be here!

I'm very glad you found this forum. It's been very valuable to my recovery, as I hope it will be to yours. I think you'll find some great people around here. Hang in there and please keep us posted on how you're doing. Write/post often if you need help getting through until Thursday. Again, welcome.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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 Post subject: thanks to you both
PostPosted: Sat Jul 03, 2010 5:17 pm 
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I am trying not to dwell......it truly is what it is. I did it. I'm willing to do what I need to do for recovery....again. If at first you don't succeed and all of that. Like most of you I didn't wake up one day and say to myself that I was going to become an addict and it is especially looked down upon for those of us who the rest of you entrust your well-being to. The simple truth is that I was not nurse who had a drug problem, I was a person with a drug problem who happened to be a nurse. I kept telling myself that I could be on the sub, work around narcs and not be tempted.....and I wasn't for a long time but it doesn't matter. I am back at the beginning and trying to make it right. You seem like a group of people who are accepting regardless of the circumstances and I realize...for once...that I can't do this alone or even alone with one Doctor. I need to surround myself with others who have either been through it and made it or are going through it on their way. Either way, I'm here. Thanks for the encouraging words and There is one thing that I am sure of....I won't ever stop trying.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 03, 2010 7:08 pm 
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Hi! I am so glad you found this forum! Well, I can relate with you in some different ways. I was working as a medical asst (I know, not the SAME as a nurse but still relatable) and got myself into trouble calling in narcotics for myself.

I have beeb on sub for 14 months now and my doc is pressuring me to come off. Im soooo not ready. And i have to figure out how to tell him so I don't relapse hard core.

Im so glad you found us here! Great group of people!

See the announcements about meetings as well. We have meetings on Monday nights and Thurs afternoons! Hope t see you there. And good luck with everything!

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Laura

Of course there's such a thing as angels. Only sometimes they don't have wings... and we call them mothers. -Unknown


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 04, 2010 1:25 pm 
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I honestly and happy you're here with us Addict. I know it's already been said before by others but I really feel I need to reiterate a few things. Please try to not feel disgusted with yourself I know it's difficult but I just have to point out a couple things. We are all opiate addicts here and opiate addicts are programmed to use opiates plain and simple. Again let me say that opiate addicts are SUPPOSED to be using opiates. Some of us have been lucky enough to have found some way of staying clean for a little while whether that is methadone maintenance, Sub/bupe maintenance, 12-step meetings, etc. but none of us are immune to relapse. The key thing here is that you are still ALIVE! and thank goodness you are :) So many have already been claimed by opiate addiction but for some reason we've been spared for now. Cancer patients are not made to feel ashamed if they choose to stop or refuse chemo. Cardiac patients aren't shamed when they forget to take their meds or they have complications or emerging new symptoms and more health problems. I'm obviously not saying it's no big deal to relapse but for goodness sakes you are ALIVE! I'll be thinking about you this week and I can't wait until you make it to your doc's office for reinduction.

Take Care,
Matt

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 04, 2010 2:47 pm 
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Matt, I think back to life before sub and before narcs in general. I lived 35 years without being an addict......I often wonder why then. Why did my addiction start then? I had many, many "female" surgeries in my twenties and took a variety of painkillers so why didn't I become addicted then? I'm one of those ponderers. I can barely now remember life before the age of 35. I will be 45 in 2 months. I have spent 9 years on this merry-go-round and let me tell you it has been everything but merry. I don't hate myself. I probably would if I felt like I had nothing else to live for but I do. I really do. I have a man who truly, truly loves me. A daughter and 3 month old grand-son that I adore and a wonderful network of family and friends so I am not wallowing in self-pity. I'm just pissed at myself for letting it happen again. My life is really changing this time. I'm a little scared and also feeling liberated at the thought of giving up Nursing. I have been doing it a long time and now I have the chance to choose again....whatever I want. Just don't know what that is yet. Anyway.....I'm still going back and reading posts here and I'm so glad that I found yall. It can get lonely out here but I don't feel alone at all when I'm reading everyone else's posts so Happy 4th everyone. Be safe!

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It is easy to get a thousand prescriptions but hard to get one single remedy. ~Chinese Proverb


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 05, 2010 10:25 am 
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Hi Nurse:

I want to chime in here with some perspective. Based on what you've told us about your history, you are an addict, no doubt. You have a disease which is debilitating, progressive and incurable. I totally understand being "disgusted" with yourself, but consider this: Would you be "disgusted" with yourself if you suddenly discovered you had diabetes or cancer? OF COURSE NOT! So, why castigate yourself in this way about your disease? Take yourself off the whipping post and get treatment from a doctor - there is NO shame in being an addict, the only shame is in KNOWING you're an addict an NOT doing anything about it. You're not doing that, because you ARE doing something about it.

I applaud you. And I support you.

Hang in there, you'll be OK.

Sincerely,
Junkie781


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