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PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2011 12:09 pm 
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Ok I am going to tell you my story. Some of you may think or ask me 'how did you not know that's what it was?' or 'surely you can't be that stupid' or 'silly,cow - you are totally naive'. Well let me tell you I beat myself up and ask myslef the same questions every single day. This is what happened and it began exactly 5 1/2 years ago.

I live in the UK so apologies now if any terms are not familiar to you.

I was working in Manchester dealing with insurance claims. I had build up a really good telephone relationship with a man called, lets call him T, who worked at the brokers firm that would send me the insurance matters to deal with. So i was in Manchester and he was based in London. We very quickly realised that we were actually very fond of each other. i was single at the time and he had just come out of a 7 year relationship. His relationship he told me had turned very very sour and he was at that time fighting through the courts to have access to see his 2 children. We soon started to be in contact with each other outside of work hours. We would spend literally hours on the phone talking and talking and making each other laugh. I tried to provide him with words of comfort and strength when i knew he was finding it difficult because of the situation in not seeing his children and the fact he was finding it so so hard to communicate in an adult fashion with his ex partner.

So it was clear to us both that we had a 'thing' for each other and we decided that we should meet up face to face. i was very excited and he was too. He came to Manchester to visit me one weekend at the end of June 2006. i can't describe how great it was. we went out for dinner and drinks on the friday evening and stayed up until 6 in the morning talking and laughing and, well, you know having fun. We spent saturday on a day trip to the lake district and has a brilliant day. however i guess i should have had more alarm bells, but i did notice that he seemed to be really sleepy - like his eyes every so often would drop/roll back. and he was going to the toilet more than normal if i think about it. but i think iwas in such a hase because i liked this guy so much that i pushed this odd behaviour to the back of my mind.

he was due to go home on the sunday afternoon about 4pm by train. but the sunday morning he seemed very distant and agitated. i asked him what was wrong and he apologised and said how he just felt so guilty that he was here with me having a great time but felt so bad because he felt that he was doing wrong by his childfren some how. I felt for him and he went back to London on an earlier train.

It was such an emotional weekend and i cried when he left. i liked this person so so much and felt as though i had found my soul mate.

2 month later I had handed in my notice at work, and was moving to London to start a new job and to be with T. I was over the moon with joy - we felt so in love.

by the way I am now married to T and love him very very much, but its not been the fairytail marriage I was hoping for - well not so far anyway (I am hoping it will be differnt now i am on suboxone etc etc). anyway back to 5 years ago.

So now i find myself with a new life, new job, new fantastic boyfriend, new place to live (230 miles away from my family and friends) I chnaged everything to be with the person i love. BUT there was something not quite right and I was scared as hell but too embarrassed to pack it in and go back home again - I love T so much and could not stand to not be with him and he was bessotted with me too.

I would come home from work before T and start to get dinner ready for us both. He finished work later than me but also he never even then finished on time - said he was working late. He'd come through the door an hour and a half after his official finishing time. I'd give him a kiss which was always a quick peck and he'd go into the bathroom to freshen up before dinner. but i always noticed a funny fishy lingering smell on his breath when i went to give him that kiss. it was an odd smell and nothing i'd smelt before, but i put it down to you know the end of the day breath!.

a few weeks went by and there had been a few mornings where T had been throwing green gunk up when vomiting and having the shits. he'd tell me to go to work and that he'd be ok - he would tell me that he would go the chemist and get some immodium and then go to work himself and told me he was fine. later in the day he'd be OK like the morning had not happened.

the first few months went by and there had been a few instances when he needed money from me - £20 here and there (normally towards the end of the month) i told him yeah I don't mind - he'd made out to me that things were difficult at the moment for him because he was paying maintenance for his kids and still paying the mortgage on their home as well as our flat (who by the way he now was unable to see - the ex-partner stopped all visits even though he had a court order allowing him to see them once every 2 weeks). BUT all the while I still had this wierd feeling that he was up to something. The wierd smell, the bouts of sickness in the mornings and then being fine, the coming home late every evening. i just knew something was not right - womens intuition. so one day when he wasn't in i went through his coat pocket (bad of me but i did). what i found really shocked me. a burned and blackened piece of tin foil and a disposable lighter.

I confronted him about it. he apologised and said he would be honest with me. I said to him 'is this smack?' he told me no, no way. he told me that it was a derivative of hashish/weed - that it was the active resin glands which is collected off the marijuana leaves. its also know as kief and he said he was smoking that to relax him. i researched it on the internet and did find it and so i supposed it must be that then. well i was so up set and he was upset and i said he has to stop it; that i had given up everything to be with him and there is no way i could be with someone who had lied to me.

anyway it did stop for about 3 months. and i could tell he was different. he was coming home earlier and the money situation was better and i didn't notice that fishy smell anymore. then he started to see his children again - just an afternoon at a time and things were really good. and then one day i was ironing one of his shirts. i ran the iron over the breast pocket and felt this lump. so i put my fingers inside to smooth it down and out popped this very very tightly wrapped small ball. i have never seen anything like it and wondered if this was that stuff he'd told me about those few months earlier. i picked the clingfilm off and began unwrapping. it was very tightly wrapped and the clingfilm seemed never ending until suddening i got to what was inside. i opened it carfully and found inside some brownish crumbly powder like substance which when i smelt it has an earthy smell. obviuosly i knew it was drugs and that i had to confront T about it. There had been no signs like before so i was confused as to why.

i was quiet all evening and didnt know how to bring it up. i was so fucking angry and pissed off and confused. i think it'd got to like 10 in the evening and i got up and stood looking out of the window at the passing traffic. i even remember it was a tuesday evening and it was in october 2007. over a year since i had moved to london. the year had been up and down and i missed my family and i suppose i wasn;t as happy as i was in the beginning. i then just came out with it. I told him what i had found. he apologised and said he had bought just that 1 wrap but he'd not done it and left it in his pocket. i was up set and was like ok look i love you and want to be with you. a discussion ensued about what we wanted in life and it turned to his difficulties with his children etc etc. i told him i would always support him and understood he was finding the issues with his ex and kids hard. then he asked me what i had done with the wrap. i said i'd thrown it away. i must be a crap lier cos he didnt believe me so i showed him where i had put it. and then the inevitable happened. the stupid thing is i was then really curious. i'd gone from being this is wrong and it cant be etc etc to then being curious. i was like Ok lets see show me how you do it. (after all it was from marijuana wasn't it so it'll be ok). and yeah then i took a bast from the foil!!! FUCK ME I was fucked out of my head but it was good. it didnlt make me puke but it did after about half an hour of being whooa off it i fell fast asleep. and could i get up for work the next day - could i hell. T rang in for me and said i was unwell and couldn;t make it in.

The next evening I told T - that stuff is intense and i don;t think we should touch it ever again. i told him i was curious to see what it was and what it did but that enough and no more.

but that did;t happen. and slowly slowly we started doing it more often. and at first i just needed like 1 or 2 hoofs but it steadily increased until i 'd say about 3 months later i was dependant too. it crept up on me and wasn't like i suddenly had major w/d's but it slowly got a hold of me. the months of using turned to a year. we did manage to go on holiday for 3 weeks to vietnam and we managed to sneak some methadone with us and that kept the sickness at bay. but not long after that there was no way we could do without. and so for the last 3 and 1/2 years our lives has been the same - we hold our jobs down. we both work in professional roles and are paid a decent wage - but the money all goes on our habit after the bills are paid everything else goes on gear. we've even pawned jewelry to get through the months and borrowed from peter to pay paul. fucked up, but just managing to stay afloat. we'd have our smoke in the evenings and go to work struggle with the beginnings of w/d by the middle of the afternoon and then get home as fast as possible and get some gear again to feel better. and on and on it goes.

And yes all the time i still thought it was this marijuana stuff, but the other half of my head was telling me 'come on caz, don't be naive, this is smack' and then i'd be like no, no way it cant be can it? me addicted to herion? until one night T went out to meet a guy to score off. it was around december last year and the UK was in the middle of a major herion shortage. there was nothing about proper for months. he scored and rang me to say he was on his way back - he'd be home in 5 minutes. 20 minutes later he was still not about and not answering his phone. i was ringing and ringing and ringing. i went outside to the car and found him out of it in the drivers seat. i couldn't get him to wake up properly. i looked at what it was he had taken a hit of and it didn't look right to me, it was like a fine fine yellow powder. i rang the friend who had helped T score and i asked him what is this shit that T has bought from your mate. the guy was like Caz, it's brown. heroin. its heroin. and so the shock of it was just madness. i finally knew what we had been taking (well i finally knew - i still believe T knew all along what it was but couldn't bring himself to admit it to me). however i knew that in fact what T had actually had this night was not heroin i thought this is GHB or that date rape drug. he was asleep for the whole weekend and could not remember a thing about any of it when he finally came to on sunday evening.

this was the final straw. both T and I knew we had to seek out some professional help. we have to get ourselves out of this lifestyle. and that's where we find ourselves today. T however has opted for methadone and is on 40mls per day and i am enjoying my new lease of life in suboxone.

I feel like i now have a future - my medication has settled ( i have had a couple of laspes) but on the whole I know its going really well. T on the other hand has yet to prove to himself and to me that he is strong enough to stop using on top of his medication. i want to believe he wants to do it but that is going to be his decision, i'll support him but i also know deep down that if i can keep going like i am and T doesn't, then maybe me and T will go our seperate ways. i don;t know if it happens it'll be sad - i don;t really want to you know because i am married to him and do love him, but he would have to be off the heroin.

its the early stages in my treatment - been taking the suboxone for 6 weeks now so i know i have a long way to go, and i am yet to start the councelling sessions of the treatment program, but fingers crossed i will get there.

so that's my story. i know i was naive but when someone makes you believe you are using one thing and they convince you so much. i don;t know its how it happened to me and its in the past and i only want to look forward to my future.

love to everyone.

C xxx


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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 4:02 am 
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Thanks for taking the time to write out your story, I found it to be a very interesting read. Getting hooked on drugs is ridiculously easy and there's a thousand different ways it happens, it never ceases to amaze me though how the person who is being introduced to drugs for the first time is being given those drugs by someone who already knows how extremely dangerous the drugs are.

I'm glad you're on Suboxone and you sound like you're doing pretty well, good for you. I hope T is able to get his shit straight while on Methadone.

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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 6:42 am 
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Thanks for taking the time to share that very personal experience with us. It is amazing how quickly that shit can snowball before we even become aware of it, isn't it? I'm so glad you made it through to the other side and are doing well on suboxone. What made you and T go with different treatment methods? (Just curious.) That's one of the great things about suboxone - with the right dose it will block other opiates from us feeling anything if we do happen to slip up. I hope the two of you work things out and that you both continue to do well. Good luck to you and please do keep us posted on how you both are doing.

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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 7:37 am 
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T just won't give the tablets a try. I have tried to tell him how great I am feeling on them and that it's good because they have the added blocking affect too. But he is just so adament that he won't go on them. I'm not sure if he is scarred to take them for the first time becasue you have to be in w'/d. I know a few years back he tried some subutex which he had got hold of illegally, and he went into precipitated withdrawal and it was hell for him. i don't know. Something inside me tells me it's because he knows on the meth he can use on top and still get an effect from the H if he wants to. That's why in my story I mentioned maybe one day we'll end up going our seperate ways, because i just don't want to still be around someone who is using Heroin still. That may sound selfish of me but for the last 5 years I feel I never really done anything for me, you know, have always had to put T first, but i now have to think of my own life and above all what I want from the future. Will see how it goes. I want to be positive for him too and i hope these negative thoughts I am having are just me being pesimistic, but we'll see how it goes. Thanks for caring

Love and hugs - C x


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PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2011 8:46 am 
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Hi, thanks for sharing your story.

What comes up over and over in your story is denial....denial is an amazing thing. It can be very useful for us in some ways...keep us in oblivion....or from facing things we are not ready to yet face...but it can also be deadly. You knew all along as you said...yet you told yourself something else.....Thank god neither of you died...especially that last story about T taking somethingi yellow-ish, different....

You can read my story under methadone maintenance...I jumped from 75mg methadone to sub. I was at a methadone clinic for 2 1/2 years...had a month's take outs....was putting my addiction in remission for sure, but I was so out of it on methadone. i was lethargic, apathetic, lost the desire to do anything I used to love doing. I think I was on too high of a dose, but I had so much stress in my l ife that they kept upping me. One day I just made the decision to stop methadone....I was accused of being a junkie on it by a judge (custody issues) and lost more custody of my daughter because of being on methadone. i had a letter from my dr, 2 1/2 years of clean ua's, letter from my counselor, but the judge said Nope, you are just a junkie using. I also lost my job because they found out I was on methadone. So, I made the switch. It was easy....I jumped from 75mg, waited 6 days ( I could have started day 3 instead I think) and started Subutex. Been on Sub since Thanksgiving last year.

My life is unbelievably better on Sub. I still get tired, have less stamina, but nothing like being on methadone. I do believe that T might be on methadone for the exact reasons you mentioned. When I think back in choosing methadone a lot of it was the cost of Sub without insurance, but part of me thought I might get a little high, too. That was right after coming off of a 2 year relapse with vicodin and although I wanted to get clean again I was still in that addict thinking....

I don't think you'd be selfish to leave T if he continued to use....you have to take care of you. 2 addicts in a r/s is tricky. if both are in recovery and working a recovery program then it can be great. But if one is hanging over the edge or has one foot in and one foot out its bad for everyone. You could easily get pulled back out. Or living with someone who is active in their addiction would be a nightmare as you well know. it won't get better...it would get worse (going back out and using).

I am happy for you that you found recovery. I wish you well. and I hope that T would make the decision to switch to Sub, too, but he has to get there...all you can do is take care of you, change what you do. I know how hard it would be to have to leave...I hope you don't have to.


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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 9:58 am 
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I would run as far away from T as possible, you need to rebuild, get off the suboxone ASAP.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 8:50 am 
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Wish it was that easy CBK.

That being said Babydoll, you never know challenging you'd find it to quit truly unless you remove yourself from all the triggers. How do you know if you're one of those people who can quit without the need for Suboxone or support groups while you remain in the presence of drugs and people using them? My current girlfriend quit heroin around 8 years ago after she left her boyfriend who she was using with. She's now leading a phenomenal life with an awesome boyfriend!

I don't wanna be one of those preachers who tells you your boyfriend is bad for you and blah blah blah. I wouldn't have an issue with someone being in love with an addict. It's the dishonesty that kinda annoys me. I lied to a lot of people about my using, but never my partner.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2011 3:52 pm 
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Hi Tear

Things are really positive for me and T at the moment. Not sure if you read some of my posts on my still messing around thread recently? T and I are extremely close and I am not kidding myself when I know his behaviour and if he had of used behind my back. I have to trust him otherwise I would drive my self mad. Of course we are not in each others pockets 24/7 but the bank account speaks for itself. No £'s have been misteriously dissappearing. We've removed dealers numbers from our phones and mentally that has been a massive step forward and removes the opportunity if you get me. we do not hang around with other users - have always been very private. Things are really good at this point in time.

But I hear what you say and I will always proceed with caution and learn to trust my instincts - if I had done that 5 years ago i would not have found myself in this pickle. If i were to notice any 'signs' that my husband was not being honest with me and things were not adding up I would need to deal with that. But you know I take my relationship very seriously and my wedding vows. thank you for telling the other poster its not as simple as walking away - if i am honest CBK's rash comment pi55ed me off because it's the second time he/she said it to me in seperate posts and if they are a recoverying addict then they should have a better understanding. i wouldn't mind CBK's comment if they had offered some more explanation but they did not.

Life is a hard road to trudge sometimes!

But seriously I am in such a better place at the moment. And I hope it continues this way too.

Lots of Love C x


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 5:19 pm 
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Thanks for sharing your story; very interesting read. I can definitely relate to the aspect of how hard it is to be in a relationship with someone else which is also an addict, and I, too, have also had pretty much the exact thought of, "Wait, how the hell did this happen?" Good to read. :)


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