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 Post subject: Awkward Question
PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 5:56 pm 
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OK, I have been off sub for a while now and just very recently felt like I really turned a corner and was approaching 100%. It's been a nice change of pace, believe me. I have had very few cravings, if any.

So, last night I wake up from a dream where I am still on sub??? I am at 2mg getting ready to go to 1mg then jump. Even in the dream I can sense something is not right, but I can't put my finger on it. Needless to say, when I first wake up I'm mad as a hornet because I realize I have to go through withdrawal AGAIN. It wasn't the fact that I was on suboxone that bothered me, it was having to go through withdrawal again.

After a couple of minutes I realized it was just a dream, but I couldn't get back to sleep...2 hours laying there awake. Eventually fell back asleep.

So, I get up this morning and it's the first thing on my mind...it was that disturbing. I start my day and make it to work and the memory eventually subsides, but now I have just had the third person ask me what's wrong with me today. Apparently, I am still having some issues processing this and just thought maybe I could get a couple of opinions on why my brain would choose, of all things, to play a movie, like the one I mentioned, for me. I mean, why in the hell would it do that?

Any insight?


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 6:35 pm 
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I can tell you what came to mind first and might make some sense. You've been off sub for 6 months, but you've only been on this forum for a couple weeks, right? Maybe reading and talking about sub all the time just put your subconscious mind back in that place. I'm no dream analyst, but it just made some sense to me. I'd love to hear what others think of this.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 7:40 pm 
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KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) is the way I should go with this one. I started to get all kinds of ideas floating through my head of impending failure (back to oxy's and the like), fear of having to go through this withdrawal again, losing all that I have worked so hard for over the last several months, etc. and it was really getting to me.

Hat, you're probably right that it's as simple as suboxone being on my mind a lot more recently than it had been. I guess I got to where I couldn't see the forest for the trees today while over analyzing this crazy dream. I wish I would have reached out and posted about it earlier in the day because I knew it was bugging me.

Thanks for breaking it down to something simple that I can process and understand, I was sure considering all the worst case scenarios, but I like yours a LOT better.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 12:15 pm 
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Romeo,

If you're like me, you're probably on this board because of the comfort it gives you in your recovery being a part of the community. For me it is helpful to read the experiences of others and share mine if I think they're relevant. The downside of that is that it does mean you have Sub on the brain. So it is not surprising to me that you would have a dream about it occasionally - especially if you're having a shaky moment in your recovery.

Personally I wouldn't stress it too much. If the dream really bothers you and you've been feeling very stable in your recovery, you might benefit from reading/posting less. But if you're not feeling totally stable in your recovery and this board is a comfort, I would think a bad dream every now and again is worth the price of admission.

Just a thought. I hope you're feeling great and the dream is just an anomaly.

Matt.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 12:44 pm 
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Thanks Matt,

I'm not sure my recent 'turning the corner towards 100%' didn't have something to do with it?

I'm going to have a hard time with this next part....

I hate to have to admit this may be possible, as I got to feeling better I think my mind slowly started opening up to the possibility of..........you know....ahhh, this sucks...I have to admit that I may have been thinking of using. No plans to go out and get any or anything like that, but the thought of using crossed my mind...I haven't had to deal with anything like that for a good while. The dream may have been my subconscious warning me of my bad thoughts.

Fuck, I thought I was doing so good. I'm just a fucking addict, I was hoping I would be the 'different one' who would live the rest of his life in bliss...no worries, be happy kind of shit. I want so bad not to be an addict, but there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I have to learn how to deal with these thoughts and understand I may need help from time to time...needing help bothers the hell out of me...I'm a strong willed person and I thought I could do this alone...guess not.

Even though I have no problem labelling myself an addict, secretly I thought I was cured. Now I'm finding out I'm not. Feel like a load of dog crap just got dumped on my head.

Thanks for the 'venting session', I think I needed it, even though I'm pissed off now. Pissed at myself for trying to fool myself.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 12:59 pm 
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Try to ease up on yourself a little bit. You thought about it...So what? Put it into perspective...You didn't make a plan, you didn't call anybody, and I'll bet it wasn't much more than a fleeting thought. And you learned something from it. You learned that you are still vulnerable to those thoughts. But as long as you know that, they will likely remain just that - only thoughts. I would see this as almost a good thing. Look what you got out of it. A better, safer way to see yourself. And because of that you will be better prepared to be vigilant and to deal with those thoughts. That's the important part - not trying to never think about it again, but to know how to deal with them when they do happen (and they will).

I hope this helps.

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 1:55 pm 
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Romeo, you know you are an addict, so you are going to have those thoughts. So what? You can either pretend they aren't there, which never works, or you can do what you just did and voice them. I think voicing them takes the power away from them. You are keeping it real!

I'm a recovering drunk. It's been 5 years now but at first I had tons of dreams that I relapsed and was drinking and someone found out. I would wake up and be like, "Thank God I didn't really do it!!" I'm always going to be a drunk. I can never, ever drink again or I'll drink a tons and won't stop and be right back where I started.

You aren't 'just' an addict. You are an addict who successfully got of your DOC and then successfully got off Suboxone. You are such a kind and thoughtful person (e.g. my 5-yr chip) and you are inspiration to those of us still tapering. Most of all, you are your daughter's daddy and she loves you!!! Don't sell yourself short, man. It's okay to have dreams, thoughts, cravings. I think we all will and just have to learn to handle them. And you know that even if you are feeling down on yourself sometimes, you cannot ever use again, if only because you have to be a good daddy to your daughter. You can WANT to use sometimes. But you just cannot actually do it. :wink:

laddertipper

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 2:13 pm 
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Hat said "You learned that you are still vulnerable to those thoughts." I don't want to be vulnerable to those thoughts...I don't want to have any of them! Man, being an addict really sucks right now. I know you're right, but I ain't gotta like it. :wink:

Laddertipper, thanks so much for sharing that you would have dreams as well...that's what started this whole shit ball rolling for me. You said I can want to use, but just can't use. Up until now I haven't even wanted to use, it just scared the hell out of me. Like you said, not just for me, but for my wife and daughter too.

Thanks for everyting y'all said, I appreciate it all, but I am still not real happy...better than I was an hour ago, but I still have some calming down to do.

Thanks again so much


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 7:36 pm 
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In the club ive been going for the last coupple of weeks there are ppl with 12-14 years cleantime who still going to meetings when stuff gets to them. They still have triggers to work with. I think its abit like bicykling but in a negative sense - when you first have learned it, it sticks. Same with the drugs. When you know there is a - very - easy solution to your problems, like pushing a button really, you will keep that in mind and forget that taking the drug, is like keeping yourself warm by pissing in your pants. Instant relief but you pay on a longer term:)

Taking drugs in your sleep can be very frustrating. I remember dreaming - i think in my second week, that someone was giving me methadone. And i got extreemely angry, in the dream, because it didnt worked for me. In suchs a stuation is it very dangerous to keep bup/methadone/whatever close to the bed - i think you almost instinctly can reach out for the drug while being half awake, half a sleep.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 7:57 pm 
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filur,

OMG, "I forget that taking the drug, is like keeping yourself warm by pissing in your pants. Instant relief but you pay on a longer term:) " That's so true, yet so damn funny all at the same time. I love that analogy, LOVE IT! I may borrow it in the future, OK?

Pissing in my pants, wow. Now that's gonna stick with me for a while. :D


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