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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 3:11 pm 
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So, in an effort to avoid incoherent rambling and getting completely side tracked, I'm going to list my milestones (or low points) by age. Yes, I am feeling the need to bullet point this bitch. I haven't really told my story before so maybe it will be helpful to lay it down in a post.


3 - Mom died from an OD. Heroin was part of my vocabulary.
5 - I have a picture of myself at age 5 unwrapping Christmas gifts in front of a tree completely decorated with orange pill bottles. Yes, this happened. I'm not sure what my dad was thinking but after finding this picture, I realized I probably didn't stand a chance in hell.
12 - Started experimenting with alcohol and weed
13- More alcohol, weed and did my first line of coke at the 8th grade school dance in the girl's bathroom.
15 - Fell in love with a 20 y/o crack addict. We'll call him "C".

At first he wouldn't give me the time of day. I was 5 years younger than he was and he didn't want anything to do with me. After a few months of circling around each other he called me out of the blue and asked if he could come over. My Dad reluctantly said it was ok as long as the door was open, etc. It was about 10pm. "C" walked into my bedroom and collapsed on top of my bed with all his clothes and shoes on and passed out. Apparently he'd been up for days and probably wanted a safe place to crash. I remember looking at him sleeping and that was it.. I was done. I loved him! A beautiful broken soul of my very own.

July 4th 1995. I didn't want him to drive, he was too loaded. I convinced him to let me drive his new truck so we'd all be safe. I crashed it. Not bad, just didn't take a turn wide enough and buckled it a bit. He was bummed but didn't take it out on me. Instead he wanted to get high. I didn't feel that I could stop him this time so I smoked crack with him. Luckily it wasn't my thing although I did do it several other times, it just wasn't my cup of tea. But because he had money and was addicted to crack, this meant he always had a nice stash of pills for the come down. That's what I quickly realized I wanted. I didn't know their names, I just knew what colors I liked. I liked the yellow ones which I later learned were norcos.

January 25th 1995. "C" had been drinking and was clearly too wasted to drive. He had the bright idea of going to a friend's house who was holding some rocks. I told him he couldn't drive. I went so far as to take his keys from him and shoved them in my jeans pocket. I told him I wouldn't go with him anyway and that we should just stay at his house. I had a bad feeling. He went and grabbed his spare set and said he was going and that I could come or stay. I said 'what the hell' and got in the car. We were driving a different car this time, an all wheel drive racing truck that was later discontinued because it was dangerous. So we're driving down the dark canyon when C doesn't make one of the turns. He didn't even attempt to. Instead we drove off the edge of the road (which was more like a cliff) and down a ravine, straight into a tree. I was wearing my seat belt, he wasn't. After the crash, I looked over to his driver side to make a comment in regards to what we'd gotten ourselves into this time. He wasn't there, I was so numb and in shock I didn't realize he was slumped over in my lap. He was covered in blood and unconscious. All I could hear for the 4.5 minutes it took the first responders to get to us, was the sound of C choking on his own blood. I think I went into full blown shock at that point. I found out later that when we hit the tree, a large branch pierced the cab of the truck and went through his leg, among the many head injuries.

So, the ambulance tells me C won't make the ride and they have to airlift him to the nearest major hospital. I had to call his Mom and tell her what was going on. I couldn't do it, I couldn't speak. The neighbor who let me use her phone had to take it from me and explain what was going on. I was taken to the hospital in the ambulance and met C's parents there. It was awful. I apologized and explained to her that I tried to stop him. Then I remembered I still had his keys in my pocket. We had to meet the Chaplain that night, who told us in his own words, C wouldn't make it through the night. C's mom threw up in the Chaplain's office. 20+ hours of surgery later, he was hanging on by a thread. His brain was so swollen they have to remove part of his skull to ease the pressure. He powdered most of the bones in his face and they had to re-build his facial structure with a dozen titanium plates and over 250 screws. He was given a titanium femur bone as well.. His foot was shattered, his pelvis was broken, his hip was broken and his lung collapsed. He was in a coma for a month. Amazingly, he pulled through very slowly. We had to watch videos on teaching people how to tie their shoes and that kind of stuff. We didn't know if he'd be able to walk or talk if/ when he woke up. At this point, my school allowed me to do home study because after everything I had been through, I couldn't focus in a class room.

Fast forward to a couple months later, he was released from the hospital in a wheel chair and his jaw wired shut. I took care of him for a long time. Helped him at PT, put his food in a blender, helped him go to the bathroom. Yeah, we were close. He starting walking after a while and slowly got a bit back to normal. The one thing I can say is that the accident helped him stop his crack habit. He never did go back to it. Slowly he was on the mend despite all the scars, losing peripheral vision and his sense of smell.

16 - I turn 16 years old. C proposes to me and I moved in with him. I get my driver's license. Despite moving in with my 21 year old crack addict boyfriend, this next year is probably one of the healthiest of my young adult life. Besides drinking and smoking weed, I stay away from any hard drugs for the next year.

17- I get bored living like a married couple. I start going out to bars and clubs with my girlfriends. Lot's of drinking, coke, ecstasy.. and anything really. Just before I turn 18, I give C his ring back and tell him I 'm not ready for all that.

18- 19 - Partying.. pills.. more pills.

19-22 - Meet a musician who becomes my boyfriend, we''ll call him B. I never really loved him. He was really talented which was a turn on but he didn't have the qualities I look for in a guy. But, as soon as I learned he was a single father of the cutest 2 year old boy ever, I was hooked. Another project to cal my own. He was in a band with a good following and one of their biggest fans was a dentist. This dentist used to come to the shows with ziplock bags full of OC 80s. I was so and so's girlfriend so the OCs flowed freely. Music + coke + OC = some really good times. It never lasts though.. all good things come to an end.

22 - Tired of my douchebag boyfriend and decide to leave for good. I move out of the city and closer to my dad. I had a habit at that point and OCs were harder to find (and afford) in this new town. I use H to keep myself well. Just smoking it at this point. I've always been good with kids and my job at this point was in child care. I was a nanny for two kids.. strung out. Not my best moment.

23 - I couldn't keep it up and was tired of the whole chasing game so I called my ex-musician-douche's mom for help. She's a recovering addict herself and I knew she'd know what to do. I went through my first home detox. I had some friend's keep me medicated on benzos and some other crap and I slept through the first few days. After the worst of it, my ex's mom dragged me to a meeting. I met my husband that night. I felt like crap, I was wearing sweats and a mickey mouse shirt and I met my husband who was fresh out of his 8th rehab with a whopping 60 days clean.

23-25 - Of course after a few weeks getting to know each other completely sober, we decided it would be fun to get high together just once. Worst idea ever, we went into full blown using, except this time I learned how to use needles. After a few months of complete and utter chaos, we decided to run from out problems. We sold everything and moved to a tropical island. This island happened to be flooded with OCs. and so it went. I think we were clean all of 7 days before we ran into more drugs. Fled the island with legal issues a year later. After coming back to our home city and having no where to go, we started using again. This only lasted a few weeks, we were so beat down. I called my dad and he took us in. We got on methadone and slowly got our lives together but still relapsed on methadone sporadically.

26-32 - Transfered from methadone to suboxone and excelled in our careers, padded our bank accounts, got married.

32 - Jumped off sub.. learning how to live without substances for first time I can remember. So far so good..


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 6:18 pm 
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Thanks for sharing all that! Quite a history you've had in your still-young life! You've been through an awful lot. Although there's obviously some bad behavior, bad decisions in your past, it's obvious (to me, anyway) that you have a good heart. It sounds like you are a caregiver at heart and that you're a very loyal person who cares deeply about the people in your life. The loss of your mother at such a young age surely shaped your life in every way, especially if there was never anyone who filled that maternal role in your life. Plus, it doesn't sound like your father was a stellar parent in your early years either. It would be a miracle if you hadn't run into unhealthy relationships, drugs, etc! I feel sad for the little girl that you were. But I can't say I understand....I had pretty much the opposite experience growing up. My parents were and are pretty much "Leave it to Beaver!" I couldn't have asked for much better or more stable of a childhood.
So unlike you, I was a pretty straight arrow all my life, until I fell in love with Lortab at about age 38. Just goes to show once again, addiction knows no boundaries, doesn't discriminate. It can get its claws into anybody!
Anyway, good for you...you've fought hard to overcome an awful lot of bad breaks! You're still so young and you don't ever have to go back! You can have a great future which holds everything you desire if you just keep doing what you're doing. Keep up the good work! And again, thanks for sharing.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2013 9:48 pm 
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Thank you for the kind words, barely.

Even as I was typing it out, I didn't realize how apparent some of my qualities are. Yes, I'm a care taker through and through. Sometimes to my detriment. Luckily I have an amazing husband who takes care of me now. Well, we take care of each other but it's like 60/40 in my favor. :wink: But yes, losing my mother shaped me greatly. My friends used to tease me that they knew 100% for sure I'd be the first one with a child, because I loved them so much. Here I am decades later and I am literally the last one to have a baby. I think it just weighs extra heavily on me and I don't take it lightly. Being a parent is the most important thing I'll ever do.

My Dad has always had good intentions but unfortunately he was young (26) when he became a single parent and was battling addiction as well.

I am still friends with my exes C & B. C has a beautiful daughter and is doing really well, he updates me regularly. B is on his 3rd marriage and 5th kid. I still talk to his mom all the time. I call him a douche a lot but it's nothing I don't say to his face. He got another girl pregnant on the road while I was home raising his son, he's a douche. LOL But I'm actually really thankful that it was some other girl and not me. I truly dodged a bullet there. I just wanted to give an update on the guys. I even keep in touch with the "denist." He no longer has his license, is sober and fighting for environmental rights across the country.

Oh yeah, my husband grew up in a really normal family too and ended up the same way. Addiction certainly does not discriminate. I just have this feeling, though, like it's in my blood, I can't explain it.

Thank you again, barely. I truly love reading what you have to say. You're eloquent and so precise and to the point. I really enjoy your thoughts and opinions no matter what the subject. Thank you.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 4:16 pm 
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Holy cow... Our lives and addiction-cycle seems so similar. Thanks for outlining the start of your addiction to now. My story is VERY parallel to yours with the exception I grew up Mormon and had well-protected childhood and upbringing. But I too became involved with an older man at a young age and I played wife with him for years before I decided I couldn't take it anymore and I wanted to bust-out of the pumpkin shell in which I felt he kept me... and I left. It was musicians and DJ's after that and a lot of drugs. I remember falling INLOVE with those Norcos. And then even more-so the Oxycontin. I was so MAD when they became uncrushable. Crack; however, was the last drug I ever tried. I loved the H and Roxy too much to even take much interest in crack (I was like ehhhh *shrugs). All in all though, I loved the music scene and I loved drugs period... So pretty much, if someone had it... I did it.

I read about what makes you drawn to a man... him sleeping, his beautiful children. I'm the same way!

I'm happy you are married, on track and feeling good :)


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 9:32 pm 
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Tiny,

That's an amazing story. It got very difficult to read a few times and I think BarelyBoxed made a good point when he said that he felt sad for the little girl that you were. You've certainly endured a LOT, but here you are, clean and kicking ass!!!!

Good on ya!!!

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 11:25 am 
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Ohhh Romeo,

Thank you. Y'all are making me a little sad, though. That's the PG version of my story.. the clean & edited version. I thought I was keeping it light..LOL. No, I know it's not funny but I have to keep a sense of humor about some stuff or I'll never make it.


BTW- Barelyboxer, are you a "she" or a "he". I don't think I've seen you mention this anywhere and I've always gotten a sensitive, feminine tone from your posts. Just curious..


Healthyone- I didn't even know they made non-crushable oxys. I got out just in time, me thinks.


IT'S FRIDAY!! I for one am going to celebrate with a big 'ol cuppa coffee.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 12:07 pm 
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I agree about the sense of humor, Tiny. I think my sense of humor is critical to my continued recovery.

*sigh*, it's Friday and we're celebrating with a cup of coffee....not quite how it used to be, eh? :lol:

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 12:34 pm 
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Tinydancer....I am a "she"....and I would definitely consider myself to be as you described, "sensitive & feminine." I've always been a caregiver, both personally and in my (former) profession. I married (the first time) at not quite 19 years old and became a mother at 20 and had my 2nd baby 2 years later. That marriage ended in divorce after about 8-9 years.
i am now married to my 2nd husband, coming up on our 19th anniversary and we have one child together who is a senior in high school.
I often feel like I've spent my whole life taking care of everyone but me! That sounds kind of selfish, however....which isn't truly a fair representation. I have had it good compared to a lot of people! I think it's just my nature to put others needs before my own, which can be said of lots of wives and mothers. And certainly some husbands and fathers fall into that category as well.
Anyway...I guess "barelyboxed" might sound like a guy name. What I was thinking at the time was that I am barely boxed, as in barely on Suboxone anymore, as I only take a small dose these days. Now that I think about it though....I guess it's like being a "little bit pregnant!" Lol!
Happy Friday, everyone!


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 1:54 pm 
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Romeo wrote:
I agree about the sense of humor, Tiny. I think my sense of humor is critical to my continued recovery.

*sigh*, it's Friday and we're celebrating with a cup of coffee....not quite how it used to be, eh? :lol:


Sense of humor = survival..lol.

No, not wuite how it used to be but I'll tell you what, I really like my coffee these days. It feels so good to wake up fresh and only need a hot cup of coffee. I love it.

Barelyboxed wrote:
Tinydancer....I am a "she"....and I would definitely consider myself to be as you described, "sensitive & feminine." I've always been a caregiver, both personally and in my (former) profession. I married (the first time) at not quite 19 years old and became a mother at 20 and had my 2nd baby 2 years later. That marriage ended in divorce after about 8-9 years.
i am now married to my 2nd husband, coming up on our 19th anniversary and we have one child together who is a senior in high school.
I often feel like I've spent my whole life taking care of everyone but me! That sounds kind of selfish, however....which isn't truly a fair representation. I have had it good compared to a lot of people! I think it's just my nature to put others needs before my own, which can be said of lots of wives and mothers. And certainly some husbands and fathers fall into that category as well.
Anyway...I guess "barelyboxed" might sound like a guy name. What I was thinking at the time was that I am barely boxed, as in barely on Suboxone anymore, as I only take a small dose these days. Now that I think about it though....I guess it's like being a "little bit pregnant!" Lol!
Happy Friday, everyone!


I knew it. That's why I'm drawn to your posts! I like barelyboxed, it's a good name but yeah, it doesn't give anything away.

I'm a little out of practice with the whole caregiver thing. I spent my whole life taking care of others until this last handful of years. My husband has pretty much taken over the role. He's pretty sensitive to my needs and I think he always knew that I needed to be cared for, for once. Besides being emotionally supportive, he does the cooking, laundry and most cleaning. It's a miracle I got so lucky really. He draws the line at the litter box though. He has not cleaned the litter box in 6 years. LOL. Seriously though, I'm a little worried I'm out of practice. I'm going to have to shift back in the caretaker gear when we start a family and I'm rusty. That reminds me, I need to start cooking again...

Congratulations on 19 years.. you and Romeo are up there!! I love hearing this because so many couples don't make it. It's encouraging.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 1:08 pm 
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My god tiny, you're one tough gal. You're story sounds like its out of a movie! I'm happy to know your history now. You're a good writer i must add. I stumbled across this post and didn't even bat an eye as to reading it. You had me hooked by your first sentence...

Life was super tough for you. I'm hoping now its making nice and is enjoyable. You are courageous and kind.... And most certainly a very nurturing person. That speaks many, many words.

I pray much success for you in your recovery, you deserve it.
:)


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 11:34 am 
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Thank you for your kind words, Jen! I appreciate them very much. We've all been through it and it's a miracle any of us are here posting on a forum. LOL
Hope you're feeling well and have a good day today!!



Btw, slight correction that I noticed.. "January 25th 1995" should be 1996. Not that anyone is paying attention to dates but I realized I typed it wrong and it didn't really make sense.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 12:34 pm 
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I read your story today for the first time. I so identify with you in that boyfriends were projects in my earlier years. Luckily, I managed to shed that before I met my husband.

It seems really right that you're with a man that can care for you. Somewhere along the way you let yourself feel that you deserved that and you're right; you deserve care. I think you will be a MORE caring mother because you are able to experience care yourself. I have no doubts that, as rusty as you may be, caring for a child will come as naturally to you as breathing. Naturally does not equal easily, of course.

I appreciate your sense of humor, despite the darkness of your past. I'm happy to be a witness to your continued success!

Amy

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 26, 2013 6:11 pm 
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Thank you, Amy! I appreciate your support and kind words.

Hmm.. boyfriends are like my never ending project. I may just PM you to find out how to "shed" this problem. LOL.. just kidding, sort of, not really.


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 12:26 pm 
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Wow. I am speechless. Your story is incredible, your strength and determination shine through in your writing. What a blessing in that you have found a soft place to land, you soooo deserve it.

"No, I know it's not funny but I have to keep a sense of humor about some stuff or I'll never make it."----words to live by! :lol:

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 8:49 am 
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What I can say is that you are a very tough and strong person as you manage to cope up and at the same time win the situation. It is not wrong to commit mistakes because we can learn from it but we must be sure and do our best not to commit the same mistake. All of us can change.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 08, 2013 11:42 pm 
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Tiny, I finally read your story. Im really inspired by it/you. A beautiful miracle. SO happy that you are feeling great after 7 months.....
Wishing you a bounty of blessings, one right after the other..... K


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2013 5:42 pm 
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Ok....I'm having a soft moment.

Heard this today and thought of you. The lyrics are perfect and the "little girl" (elephant, i know lol) sets free. Love it! They unite :)

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1G4isv_Fylg

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 5:14 pm 
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If you only knew how much I love elephants!! I love them.. real ones of course. Thank you for thinking of me, that's so sweet. I can relate to the song, of course, as I'm sure we all can. Love you girlie. I will be back to posting when I get home from Mexico. :)


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 5:22 pm 
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Lol I was responding to yer pm now.

*sigh* vacations all I ever wanted. Get tan for me, pls!!! (And amongst other many, various things and activities!) :wink:

Love ya 2, miss ya....safe travels girl

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2013 7:16 pm 
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I don't get tan!! it's almost impossible... unless i am on vacation for at least two weeks to spread the sun around. I am almost as white as it gets. My mom was adopted so i do not know her background.. except for what I've read in limited reports which is that her mom was nearly full irish and her father was "spanish." I think I got the irish genes. lol


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