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PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 6:13 pm 
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[font=Georgia] [/font] Hello, my name is Liz, and I am an addict. I've been abusing prescription drugs for going on almost 4 years now, with only very short term breaks inbetween getting my hands on another prescription, and I am 27 years old. Although I have taken Extacy before when I was 20, I have never abused any other street drugs - such as herion, marijuana, coke, meth, etc. My mental and physical dependency on prescription pain killers started three years (in 2007) after I had my gallbladder and appendix removed in 2004.

I started having severe abdominal cramping, visiting the ER AT LEAST two times a month due to out of the blue and extreme sudden onset of pain, and they would administer morphine, run several tests, then send me home. In October 2007 I was brought in through the ER for yet another onset of extreme pain, except this time the ER doctor asked if she could admit me to run different tests, and that I would only be there for about a day. 5 days later I was finally sent home after 4 "Hospitalists" each gave different diagnosis of my issues - the final verdict was severe irritable bowel syndrome. I have no memory of the 5 days I spent in the hospital - they had me on a very high dose of Dillaudid, then morphine, then back to Dillaudid, so on and so forth. I was sent home with several high powered medicines - dillaudid, morphine, hydrocodone, xanax and valium. At that point I wasn't abusing, so I attempted to not take anything since I was home and feeling tired but ok. I immediately started going through horrible withdrawal symptoms, all of which I didn't understand what they were at that time - shaking, clammy, sweating, chills, aches and pains, irritability and my mind seemed to be rapid firing. I actually thought they were symptoms of whatever it was that landed me in the hospital, so when I called my Gastro doctor, he advised me they were withdrawal symptoms and to take a little bit of ALL of the meds that were sent home with me. That is when it went drastically downhill and has since continued downhill...

After finishing ALL of the meds sent home with me, out of fear of going through those "withdrawal" symptoms again, I found my body hurting and my mind racing just knowing I was out of the medicine. A mild case of panic set in, which only intensified as time passed. At that point I wasn't physically addicted, but the fear of that sudden severe pain coming back, having to go back to the ER and the intense fear I felt about possibly being admitted again, consumed my thoughts and escalated the panic to get more meds. All I could think about was the 5 days I have NO memory of and that really bothered me, especially since my family who were there with me kept going on about my bizarre behavior (which they thought was funny but it mortified me), and the fact I had been away from my daughter who I had stayed at home with since she was born and my family told me I would suddenly start panicking in the hospital about where my daughter was and they would have to sedate me. I found myself sweating, shaking, irritable, angry and unable to be myself when interacting with my husband and daughter. I went back to my Gastro doctor and he started me on a monthly dose of Darvocet, but I didn't explain my mental state, just wanting to have some mild pain medicine in case the pain came back.

I started really abusing to put me in a better mood - my husband and I only dated three months before we found out we were pregnant, got married two months later, then welcomed the birth of our daughter that September. Love had never been an issue, but we never got the "getting to know" eachother phase and working through our differences before getting married then becoming parents, so we were having to go through so much so quickly and I thought my role was to play the good, loving housewife and nurturing mother, clean the house, cook, take care of the baby and make my husband happy. I'm extremely emotional and sensitive so when we would argue, or he would hurt my feelings, it was extreme for me, and I would immediately begin fearing the worst - he was going to leave me, he was going to one day come home and tell me he doesn't love me anymore, it's all my fault and I need him to forgive me, etc. Taking the pain medicine took the edge off, replaced that fear and extreme emotional rollercoaster with another feeling - a little light headed, a little loopy - but I found that it worked for me and brought euphoria. Of course it wasn't long before my body required more and more in order to achieve that euphoria, and I was quickly running out of medicine and then the panic would set in about not having anymore.

Since then I have abused whatever pain medicine I can get prescribed. Oxycodone, percocet, tramadol, tyenlol #3 with codeine, and starting last year I tried adderall and was prescribed that for an honest ADHD problem I have (first time I didn't embellish a story to get a prescription since I do have ADHD but I didn't tell my Dr about my addiction) and the same doctor prescribed me Ambien to sleep since I've battled bouts of insomnia since I was a kid. I can't even begin to describe the extreme ups and downs I've gone through the past three years, but any fellow addicts out there know first hand what I'm talking about.

I promise I am wrapping this up - I appreciate anyone who has bared with me during this long explanation. My husband is a good man, and has been very lucky to never have had a broken bone or severe illness other than chickenpox when he was an infant. He discovered I was abusing Tramadol last year and of course it caused problems, and I so desperately wanted to tell him EVERYTHING, but he has a tendency to be judgmental and when dealing with things he doesn't understand or has never experienced himself, he often goes off the deep end, filling in the blanks himself and coming to his own conclusions. He knows that I abused to replace fear and panic with another feeling - and that it's the mental addiction/dependency that keeps me desperately needing it. However, he thinks I have since quit abusing, and I honestly have tried, God knows I have, not just for me but for him and for my daughter...and I did quit cold turkey last December when I found out I was pregnant. The physical withdrawals I've had are by NO means extreme as I've read with other people's physical withdrawals such as convulsions, vomiting, extreme pain and flu-like symptoms...it's very uncomfortable, but my mental dependency is what keeps me from quitting - the cravings, which lead to panic, which in turn cause my body to start going as haywire as my mind. While I was pregnant, like I said, I quit - but it was miserable and I was so irritable and disconnected, and to add to it I was extremely sick 24 hours a day, having to go to the ER three times due to severe dehydration from vomiting and diarrhea, not from the physical withdrawals from the meds but continuous morning sickness. On January 18th, Martin Luther King day, I went to my OBGYN for extreme abdominal pain, vomiting and diarrhea, and had an absolutely horrible gut feeling something was wrong - and I was right...when I made them do an ultrasound we couldn't find a heartbeat...I was 8 weeks pregnant and the baby measured 8 weeks. I had the D&C procedure the next day and when they sent me home with oxycodone, I immediately started abusing again. I was so angry, devastated, confused, feeling so guilty and shameful, and even though they said it wasn't my fault, miscarriages happen all the time, I couldn't get over the fact that it HAD to be my fault, all my sins had caught up to me.

I have been back to abusing every day since then but have finally made up my mind to get treatment with Suboxone, since quitting cold turkey won't work on the level I desperately need it to unless I can stop these damn cravings. After I got the chromosome report back from the baby I found out it really wasn't my fault - our baby had double the amount of chromosomes it should have - meaning we essentially should have been pregnant with twins (runs on both sides of our families) but the egg never split, so it happened at conception and me being as sick as I was every day was due to my body trying to reject the baby...but I know my mental state of quitting cold turkey early December didn't help.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to be dependent on a drug to feel normal, to feel okay, relying on a drug to take first thing in the morning and unable to get up and moving until it kicks in, then taking more throughout the day when I start to feel it wearing off, then again before I go to bed because I don't want to deal with insomnia. I can't keep hiding the meds, lying to doctors to get the meds, lying to my husband and being this person I don't even know. But I can't tell my husband my "drug addiction counseling" includes Suboxone since he thinks I have quit as of last year. There is no way I will ever tell him, so much other stuff has happened this past year and we are only just now starting to do better and I will not risk causing more problems by admitting I started using again after losing the baby. I go this coming Monday for my first appointment and I've been doing extensive reading on the side effects and although I am very hopeful that it will help from all the stories I've read, I am just worried about how I will behave while on Suboxone...

Thank yall again, for anyone who took twenty minutes to read this very long story that is part of my life - and I appreciate ANY advice or heads up on what to expect that I can possibly get.

God bless...


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 6:47 pm 
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Wow Liz, some story! Welcome to the site, you will love it here. I'm pretty sure you will love suboxone too, it makes you feel so NORMAL, what a wonderful relief that is! Lots of great people here, and good advice to be found too, so don't be shy!
Best of luck hun, and please tell us how things go for you.


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 Post subject: Hey Liz
PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 7:06 pm 
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Hey emccurdy21,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and everyone else…oh my God it is so sad though I can’t stop crying (also due to me just being an ultimate emotional wreck lately!) I was/am so touched by your story as well as the quite eerie similarities we both share. There’s so much about you and your story that reminds me of myself and my life...SO much! I too have gotten fabulous at manipulating people…namely doctors….into getting what I want from them but it has just been recently that I actually want to start coming clean with everyone about everything!

OK here goes (please don’t hate me for saying this as I know you have probably heard it a 100 times and don’t want to) BUT you have got to be honest with your husband about your abuse and your addiction problems…I am no angel and God knows no perfect person…I live with an addict and used with him for the past 3 years…everything he could get his hands on and (aside from heroin) it has been and still is very easy for him to obtain anything we want….really anything it’s scary. I know it may be hard and may cause you more headaches but I think that for your own sake you need someone by your side while you are going through all this because I swear it’s the emotional and mental part of this addiction that is the hardest when it comes to getting off all the shit and without someone there by your side helping you it’s almost impossible to make it! I just think that you should try (not saying you have to divulge everything) to kind of let him know what’s going on with you so you don’t have to keep hiding everything from everyone.

Have you started on suboxone yet?? Let me know because I want to see if and how you are doing with the change from the pills to the sub and how its working out for you…its real hard when you’re doing it alone and you don’t have support so USE THIS SITE it has helped me out tremendously…as I have found that my fiancé hasn’t exactly been there for me like I thought he would (but that’s a whole nother post/day/story). I have actually turned more to people on this site for support than him…which is weird I know but I am just trying to stress to you how beneficial this place can be for you…especially since it sounds like you’re going to be doing it on your own. I AM HERE FOR YOU THOUGH I PROMISE!

I too am a little bit of an anxiety pill, ambien and speed junkie myself on top of my addiction to methadone and pills so trust me I completely understand and you don’t need to feel ashamed or embarrassed when talking to me because I can completely understand how it feels when you basically lose control over your own body and turn to other things to get you through the day/night. It will get easier! I swear it will….everyone told me that it would and I thought they were a little full of it but they were all 100% right IT DOES! Each day is going to be a bit of a struggle (and I can’t say yet that I am out of this phase) and each day though will get a little easier and a little less hard to get through until (hopefully for the both of us) we are able to get through not only days but weeks and months of enjoying our new found freedom and lease on life. It’s not going to be easy…you used for a while as did I, but you can do it…you have been through so much in your life already ( omg I’m crying again thinking about your miscarriage) that honestly Liz if you can get through that then you can do anything. That must have been so hard for you and I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been but just know that you will be OK and that everything in life has its reasons…although sometimes you may not see why or it may not make sense….everything happens for a reason. I AM SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR BABY I honestly can’t stop thinking about the hurt it must have caused you and I am so very sorry.

Liz, you can do this I promise you that….if I can do it (and trust me I love me some drugs) than you can certainly battle this disease head on and if you need a helping hand I am here for you every step of the way. Please keep posting and good luck...let me know what stage you are at as far as with the suboxone so I can give you some tips if needed.

T

_________________
"It's always been wait and see
A happy day and then you'll pay
And feel like shit the morning after
But now I feel changed around
And instead of falling down
I'm standing up the morning after"
~Elliott Smith


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 Post subject: Welcome!!!
PostPosted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 9:54 am 
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Hi emccurdy21,
Hello and welcome to the site.... I think you will find it very informative and there are always new people coming in so the story's and suggestions never get old!!! Your story was very well written and it looks like you are a person that pays attention to details. I think this will help you as you go thru Recovery.... I also must tell you that I am NO expert, Dr. or medical expert!! Just a recovering addict & Alcoholic ( story for another time.... lol ) who, like you wanted the maddness to STOP!!. I am glad that you are going to a Suboxone Dr. to get your Rx. They will probably recomend that you see a therapist.... I think that's a great idea. My seeing a therapist 2 times a month has been very helpfull to me... As far as keeping this from your Husband ??? IMHO I think That can be a very slippery slope I would definitely talk with your Dr. / Therapist about that!! I would think it could back fire on you and that could be a mess!!!! Again that's just IMHO... Maybe you can direct your Husband to this site and he could learn the in's & out's of this together???/ Just a thought... Anyways whatever you choose for your Recovery I wish you the best. Please keep coming back and sharing you progress with us on the Forum......... Take care of yourself!!!!! :lol:

God Bless
TW


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