It is currently Wed Aug 23, 2017 12:20 pm



All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Our Sponsors





Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 7 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: an almost relapse!
PostPosted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 2:23 pm 
Offline
Super Poster
Super Poster

Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:29 pm
Posts: 119
Hi everyone,


I have not posted here in a while. I've missed all the meetings unfortunately. I have been really busy at work, trying to get exams written and marked, report cards done, yearbook completed, graduation planning (I am in charge of), and all the other end of the year things I've put off all year. I have no idea how I managed to do all of this when I was using. I'm quite certain I didn't do any of it very well, or at least up to the standard I should have been.

I've tried to at least get on the site and read new posts, but have only logged on a couple of times in the last few weeks. I am noticing that I am getting very emotional, teary, edgy and even angry, so I don't know if it's just all the stress of work, or the fact I have not spent any time doing recovery things like posting here, or keeping in touch with anyone, have not even been to my Celebrate Recovery meetings, nothing. I even almost relapsed last night, and that really brought me to a screeching halt. I was cleaning my spare bedroom for my daughter that will be home for the summer. It's full of stuff from my mothers house that died a little over a year ago and I have not dealt with yet. I just could not throw it away, so have been sorting through all of it, and that has left me again, emotional and teary and very angry. I hate that she is gone, I miss her so much! It is also the room that everything collects in that I don't know what to do with. Anyway, you can probably guess where this is going...I found 3 80mg oxycontin stashed in a jewellry box, and I almost took them. It was such a quick reaction, when i saw them, and already stressed and tired because I had been working on the room for 3 hours and had to get it finished because my daughter is moving back in today. I actually tossed one in my mouth, and it was really strange, I caught myself in the bedrrom mirror and I just kind of froze. Like what the hell! it was that easy...it was like..... oh cool...toss in mouth. but seeing myself in the mirror caught my attention in time, and I ran to the toilet and spit it back out. I mean I was the close and it was so scary. I also know the Sub would have probably blocked most of if not all the opiate effect, but I probably would have taken all three, if I chewed up one. So, then, I flushed them, and sat on the bathroom floor and cried, I mean just racking sobs, I don't think I have ever cried so hard. It was like everything finally released, all that pain and anger and guilt and shame and the list goes on!!!!

So, once I calmed down, I realized just how important it is to NOT put off the things I have to do, to have an effective recovery. I have to come to this forum and read, and post! i have to go to my meetings, and see my therapist (that I also cancelled last week). I have to take time to just sit quietly, and relax, and meditate, and all those good things that make us healthy.

Anyway, I just felt I needed to post this. It is so important to not get too busy with life stuff that I stop doing all the things I have to do for my recovery. If I start using again, I will have lost everything I have gained these last few months. Ihonestly do not think I have another recovery in me. These last few months have been really hard, especially having to deal with all the wreckage of my using days, and also build back some of the relationships I destroyed with my family and friends from isolating for so long. As difficult as it has been taking a real look at myself and trying to figure out how and why I became an addict, it has also been very rewarding to want to live again, to actually look forward to things instead of dreading them. The best thing is NOT to have to be constantly on that search for pills all the time and I can devote all that energy in to positive things.

Thanks for listening, and I want to thank all of you for your support through this journey. I know I could not have gotten this far without all of you.

Ginger


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 7:57 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jun 08, 2009 4:04 pm
Posts: 391
Ginger......I can so relate to your situation and I am so proud you didn't actually take them....I was amazed when your friend came over with that bottle of oxys how you handled it because I am not sure how I would have..

I had an experience several months ago when I was at my Dad's and I went to the bathroom and when I opened the cabinet I saw all these pill bottles and soon as I saw one that said Hydrocodone it was in my pocket in seconds.....and there it was......the mirror....and me. I put it back..

This is a disease that wants us dead and we are constantly tested for me sometimes it is dreams. Stay around here with us and we can do this together. I will add you to my prayers....thanks for sharing this and reminding us all how quickly something like this can happen.

Jim


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 8:54 pm 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 12:55 pm
Posts: 4933
Location: Leesburg, FL
Ginger, I'm so glad to see you back! And thanks for sharing your experience with us. The most important thing is you DIDN'T take them. I'm so proud of you, and you should be, too. That mirror sometimes is right where we need it to be, isn't it? I'm glad it was there for you. I hope you stick around and keep posting, I so value your contributions to this forum. You're a valuable asset. Take care and pat yourself on the back for me.

MEL

_________________
-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


Top
 Profile  
 
Our Sponsors
 Post subject: thanks for your support!
PostPosted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 10:12 pm 
Offline
Super Poster
Super Poster

Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:29 pm
Posts: 119
Hi Jim and hatmaker,

Thanks so much for your kind word and support.

As for the first test I had, with my friend that was here with a script for oxy, I think if I had not given them to the doctor the same night, I may have took a few - it's hard to say, but I knew there was a chance of that happening so I had to get rid of them. It also helped that I made a call and got some support here immediately and having them with me made it a lot easier to make the right decision. I have thought about that bottle of pills SO may times since and have gone between being grateful for getting rid of them, to wishing I would have kept them, just in case - whatever that means, but I am quite certain I would have felt I truly did need one at some point. The following day, I was so tired from being up all night and stressed from dealing with bothher daughter and the ass of a husband that was blaming her relapse on me. Anyway, because I was so tired and certainly not thinking straight, I wished that I would have at least kept a few to give me some energy that I so badly needed at that point.

You are so right Jim, addiction is a disease that wants us dea, and as an addict I know I would have justified taking a few pills in a weak moment. I am also so grateful for the Sub, because I also knew it would be a waste taking them because of the opiate blocker. I am so glad it has such a long half life, because you would really have to plan a relapse, or you would just be wasting your money.

Jim - I actually remember when you posted about finding that bottle of hydro in your dads medicine cabinet and I can remember thinking the same thing that you thought of me with a bottle of pills in my hand. I didn't honestly know if I would have been able to put them back, and at that time thought I probably would have kept them. Only weeks later, I find myself in a similar situation and was so good to know that in that minute I was strong enough not to pocket a few.

hatmaker - Talk about knee jerk reactions, I mean seconds after I found those pills, I tossed one in my mouth, it was without a thought really, except a brief moment of exhilaration finding them. I am so happy that mirror was there, it sounds like the mirror has saved all three of us from taking that next step to relapsing.

The good thing that has come from this is knowing that I cannot put of putting recovery ahead of everything no matter how busy I am. I am so grateful to be given the gift of Suboxone. I know so many people that desperately want to recover, yet cannot find a doctor to prescribe Sub. I believe I was given this gift for a reason, and I just cannot blow it off by relapsing. I have no desire at all to go back to that hell of a life, and it was hell. In the end I did not want to live any more. many nights I was afraid to go to sleep because I had taken massive doses of oxycontin and topped it off was way too much oxazepam. As much as I feared oding and dying in my sleep, there were also many nights that I did not care if I woke up, and that is really sick. I've survived cancer three times, and promised myself I would never take my life or health for granted again and then months later continued to use so much oxy that it was only a matter of time before I did kill myself. I think I may have mentioned this before but the fight for my life with cancer was not even close to the fight on my hands against addiction.

Hat - I do promise to stick around and certainly will post more often. Even on bad days, when I offer some support to someone else it always helps me feel a little bit better about my own situation. Again, thanks for the kind words. I sometimes wonder if I have anything to offer here having relapsed a few time since being on Sub.

So, again thanks for your support! I really do want to live again, and do anything and everything I have to do to have a successful recovery,

Ginger


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Jun 28, 2010 9:37 am 
Ginger, thanks so much for sharing that and I'm glad you're OK. The way you described the situation made it so real for me, and reminded me so much of times I relapsed or near-relapsed, I felt like I was right there with you (crying, too). We say relapse sneaks up on us (and it does) but look at the tsunami of emotions you were dealing with at the time, peak job stress, tired, daughter coming home, and worst of all, going through Mom's stuff after she passed away. Hand any addict 3 oxy's while they're dealing with all that and I would say most would pop them in thier mouth. Good for you for spitting them out - that truly is HUGE!

I'm really glad you posted this, and I hope a lot of people get a chance to read it. It reminds us how truly emotionally stressful life really is, and how little we acknowledge it and take care of ourselves. I guess most of us were never taken care of to begin with, or never learned to take care of ourselves or, like me, just have a hard time coping and general. But we have to learn and make it a priority of we're going to protect our recovery - and our life. I hope things are better now, and the end of school year stress is over. Take good care of yourself and I hope to see you posting.
Lilly


Top
  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Jun 28, 2010 10:19 am 
Offline
Long Time Member
Long Time Member
User avatar

Joined: Tue Feb 16, 2010 2:20 pm
Posts: 635
I can certainly relate to this story. As I've posted many, many times here: I have literally lost track of how many relapses I've had. And many of them happened because I used to have a habit of "stashing" pills in various odd places, then I'd forget about them. Then I'd quit cold turkey, go through a week or so of terrible withdrawal, get to the point where the withdrawal symptoms were just starting to get manageable again, and then BAM! I'd find one of those stashes of pills and swallow a bunch of them without even thinking, and I'd be off to the races once again. I can't even tell you how many times I've done this. It was pretty ugly.

One thing I have learned over the years is if you are going to be successful in recovery you MUST remain vigilant at all times. Complacency is the enemy of addicts. We have to stay plugged in to the recovery process or else we will fail.

There is an old saying that works very well in this context:

Those who fail to plan, plan to fail.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: me too
PostPosted: Tue Jun 29, 2010 2:20 pm 
Offline
6 Months or More
6 Months or More

Joined: Tue May 18, 2010 9:08 pm
Posts: 248
Ginger, thanks for posting--actually I was wondering what happened to you. I just had to clear a room at my house too--and I live in my family home--I've been going through all kinds of family stuff, including my mom's stuff and it's really difficult and emotional. And actually, as I mentioned on another post, I found a couple of pills--clonidine. If I thought I could get any kind of high from 'em I guess I would have taken 'em already. Instead, I understand that clonidine is used for WD symptoms so I'm thinking "better keep these just in case." So, Ginger, you did GREAT avoiding that relapse. I've been thinking a lot lately about how damn compulsive my addictive behavior is. I talked to my doctor about that too, but she didnt' really have anything to say in response. I find it hard sometimes to remember that I have choices I can make. A friend of mine recently told me something about "We can exercise our ability to use our will to make choices and it's like a muscle that gets stronger if you exercise it." I know my friend is right, but i find it hard to practice....but...like anything else, with practice, things tend to get easier. It sure is easier for me to stay away from heroin than it was a month ago! And....routines...it's easier to follow established routines...so...if we have good healthy routines, then we're safer from relapse. Easy to say, i know...

Anyway I'm really glad to hear that you're ok Ginger. I miss my parents too....I guess the best thing i can do about that though is visit and appreciate the family members that are still here...again, easy to say....I wish I could offer something more to ease your grief about your mom, besides just saying I feel it too....but...I do feel it....I hope you're feeling some better now. I think you are right that it's best to keep taking care of the things you need to do, and as far as recovery goes, i think staying honest is helpful, so for me, posting helps a lot with that....and knowing that there are people who really do hope I'll stay on track and get healthier really does make me feel more accountable--and it is something to me too to know that there are people doing as bad or worse than i was just a month or so ago who might be helped by reading my posts and gaining some hope that helps them hang on through a difficult period.

All that said though, I also find that the BEST thing I can do to keep from relapsing is to STAY OUT of temptations way if I can. But...I guess having a plan in place in case is a good idea, and I think a good plan would be to TELL someone about the temptation (if I found some pills or something like that) before taking any action. another plan of course would be to immediately dispose of anything...but...that won't work for every kind of temptation situation and I'm not sure I would do it...I'm not sure I would tell someone either, but I think I could try to make that my policy...


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 7 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Our Sponsors
Suboxone Forum latest topics RSS feed Subscribe to the entire forum
 

 

 
Fond Du Lac Psychiatry
Dr. Jeffrey Junig, M.D., Ph.D.

  • Board Certified Psychiatrist
  • Asst Clinical Professor, Medical College of Wisconsin

Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group