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PostPosted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:11 pm 
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Normally, my husband is a pretty good guy. But today was something else. We have been trying to save money for new furniture (and other things). I have been spring cleaning and I asked him to go to the store for cleaners. He came home with new pictures for the walls (that we don't need). This is fine, but he comes home with extra stuff a lot. It wouldn't bother me except that we really need a new couch. So I CALMLY and NICELY mentioned that we should talk about any extra expenditures before they occur.

Immediately he launched at me and said "well let's not even get started on the money you spend every month on your addiction"S". I smoke and I get it that it costs money. But I smoked when he met me. I clarified for him that I only have ONE ADDICTION. He said I spend a lot of money on "things" then and if I want to get started then we can discuss it.

I am so ANGRY. And HURT. I went OFF suboxone because of these comments. I went back ON suboxone because we discussed these things and it was ok with him. He said he wasn't worried about the money and that it was alright. You know....when I owned a business and was making 5x what he is now, I never said a word. I already feel bad about my expenditures and don't come home with anything we don't need.....EVER. I don't buy a paid of shoes or earings, or ANYTHING. I am so OVER this shit. I am SO ANGRY. I am so HURT!!!!!

What is worse is that I was willing to let it go. The rest of the day I just kept on working and cleaning and whatnot. Then, as the evening was being wrapped up and whatnot, he was just as bad about everything. I couldn't move in a single direction without him complaining about it. So......I acted like a 3 year old and flipped him off and started following him everywhere with my middle finger in his face, ear, nose, etc. I just got right in his space. This is ridiculous. But I am not sleeping with him tonight because I am so frigging mad I can't stand it.

Feel free to comment how you like. Whatever is fine.

Cherie


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 11:36 pm 
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Well.........Your story brings me back to the days when I was married and beleive me there are many days I am happy that I am not married or in a relationship right now. My response is of support but also another angle....his side.

He went to the store for you....he didn't buy something for himself but something for the home...something you both could share. He was probably thinking this would be nice on our walls and certainly wasn't expecting the reaction that he got...so he got defensive. When we get defensive we tend to say the things that hurt the most......example My ex-wife would start an argument with me and mange to throw in...Why don't you go have another drink...or Isn't the ER open so you can get your pills....This would enrage me and soon I would be acting like a child ..like you did following him around giving him the finger. If someone was to video tape that I am sure we would look silly.

I believe he is still hurt....he fell in love with an addict who lied to him....but he loved you so much that he married you anyway. You throw up I made 5x what he makes (again making him feel less) but as I have read your threads you said you spent about $3500 a month on drugs...thats alot of couches...You will really show him when you sleep without him tonight.........The only person that will hurt is you and your back...

You said therapy was working.....that means you have to communicate. Sure maybe he should have asked about the pictures but why........isn't it 50/50 or does he have to have permission to spend money on the things for the home. He didn't buy shoes, clothes, things for himself.....for the house. Maybe saying I am not sure those pictures are what we want maybe we could go back to the store together.....but instead it turned into fu..no...fu..no..fu...etc.

I remember when my ex-wife and I would have arguments I used to say later I wish we had an argument where I did something purposly wrong.....cheated....bought a new truck....instead I left the coffee filter in the coffee maker and next thing I know things were being broken.

Just remember he is hurt too.......he wants to believe that the woman he fell in love with loves him for him not because she was high..and now she is in recovery and doing better. My ex-wife said to me one time "when is it my turn" it's always you...rehab...AA..hospitals.....I stand by you through all of this......when is it my turn.

When things calm down talk to him about the comment he made. Find out why he feels the way he feels...remind him how much you use to spend compared to now. Let him know you might have overreacted to his purchases becasue you have been fixated on buying a couch.........to us guys a couch is a couch........lets talk TV's..lol

The last 4 months have probably been just as difficult for him as they have been for you. But he is still there and has been there for you through all of this. Sometimes when we are called out on all our bullshit we react just like you did with him today. You felt disrespected so you did what you could to demean him. If he had an affair in your marriage there is no doubt you would have thrown that in his face today........cause that is what we do.......we are addicts.

Sometimes you just have to love them.

I think if I had I would still be with her and my children everyday living in our home and being a family. Instead I am in a 2 br condo with a cat with an attitude and soon I will be moving back and be with my children as much as possible.

We all have those days.......My grandparents were married 68 years and they said they never went to bed mad......hopefully it's not too late but go lay next to the man that has stood by you through all of this.....Good Luck

Jim


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 26, 2010 12:30 am 
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I would agree with you except that I was NICE when he came home with the pictures. I wasn't an ass about it. I was totally cool and simply asked him if we could talk about it before we made anymore purchases before the couch. I don't say much about the things he buys but he buys something EVERY time he goes out. I think him running to the store is a pretty easy task given I cleaned yesterday AND today ALL DAY. He won't get his hands wet so he didn't. Furthermore, you are correct I was spending about $3500 per month on drugs......but I did that AND paid the mortgage and all of the bills out of my pocket, still sent us on vacations, and still bought him a truck for his Birthday. He had no idea I was using and I had a tremendous amount of disposable income. To this day he doesn't know how much I spent. He hasn't asked. We weren't married then and it was my money so given I was paying more than my share at the time, I really don't think I owed him anything more. It has been over THREE years since I spent money on drugs. It has been over 3 years since I sat there getting high. So when he is throwing my "addictions" in my face, he is specifically talking about the money spent on my doctor's appointments and my script. The money he AGREED to spend when I got back on suboxone and the money HE said he didn't care about. I wouldn't throw it in his face if he had a medical condition that cost money every month.

So.....given that I was totally nice and respectfully asked him if we could make purchases together (you know, since I have spent nothing in the past couple years and he has bought MANY things HE wants) and he jumped down my throat, I have to think he is the one who is the ass, not me.

God love ya Jim for trying to stand up for him, but I don't think he had any reason or right to be an asshole. I am quite tired of it actually.

With that being said....I will probably sleep in the bed but I still don't think he will be getting laid for a while. He has said too many hurtful things in the past couple weeks for me to feel interested at this point and he will have to learn to apologize before I warm up.

Oh....and I pride myself on the fact that I don't say hurtful things to him when I am mad and I don't say anything to dig deep. The worst I will do is tell him to fuck off and flip him off. When he gets nasty, I generally just ask him why he feels the need to talk to me like that and tell him he is being hurtful. But even I lose my patience after a while. Today was one of those days.

Cherie


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 26, 2010 1:24 pm 
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I'm so sorry that happened, Cherie. He really had you reeling, didn't he? It sucks that he hurt you like that. And after 3 years of being in recovery - talk about a delayed reaction. ReRaise already gave you the male perspective, so I'm going to approach this from a different angle.

Could it be that your husband was triggered? Just like we addicts experience things that trigger the desire to use, our loved ones have triggers that take them back to the days when we were using. Call them affective flashbacks. The funny thing is you said he never knew when you were using, so that makes having such a trigger a bit less likely. But did you have any behaviors that he associated with your active addiction? Is it possible that something happened that made him (even unconsciously) go back there emotionally?

He also may simply have some unresolved feelings about your addiction that he never shared with you. Or he shared them but didn't resolve them fully.

Obviously I don't know you that well, him at all, and definitely not your marriage. These were just some things that came to mind upon reading your post. Didn't you say you were in marriage counseling? I can't recall if that was past or present. It's definitely something to take to counseling if you're still going.

I hope by the time you read this that the two of you managed to talk about it and work it out. Again, I'm so sorry that happened to you.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 26, 2010 2:55 pm 
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Cherie,

Like Hatmaker said, I don't know you that well, but (from what I do know), I think your husband and my husband could be bffs. :)

My husband is also good at saying the right things ("If you need this medication, I don't care about the money"), and then do something totally opposite ("Like I want to work my ass off all week so that you can spend MY money on YOUR addiction"). So, I know how much that hurts. Like you, my husband had no idea I was using, and I was spending a hell of a lot more money on drugs at that time.

But, then I try to remember what my priest told us in pre-marriage counseling (this is not religious, just interesting). :wink:
He said that the 12 most important words in marriage are "I'm sorry" "I was wrong" "please forgive me" and "I love you". I think you both owe each other an apology. What he said was horribly hurtful and, if he is anything like my husband, purposefully chosen for the impact. And you should probably apologize for the hand gestures....although the image was funny as hell :lol: !!

Seriously though, I would try to talk to him once you have calmed down and tell him what you told us...sometimes when I am removed from the emotions of the situation, I can talk much more effectively. You have been through a lot...first with getting off the sub, then getting back on. Make sure he understands that you are still struggling (he may think that you are "all better" now that you are back on sub)....and make sure that he knows that, in your mind, his opinion was a big reason why you got off, and then back on, the sub in the first place.

Hope things are better today!

E

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"Don't hope for a life without problems. An easy life results in a judgmental and lazy mind."
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 26, 2010 4:29 pm 
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Hey Cherie -

Well... I'm a guy and I'll throw my hat in the ring :) :)

I probably blame this on "He's just a guy...."

He's a guy who knows that he is not behaving like he should. He knows he buys extra things every time he shops. He probably hears - either through body language or verbally - that he is out of line.

So, he is in the wrong. It's messed up to buy things extra - when you need to save money. He knows that.

So, what does a 'guy' do in that case? He defends the FORT! Catch me at my shopping addiction eh?... well - hell - you have YOUR ADDICTION - so there! I'll be a 2 year old and throw a tantrum - cuz ... 'I'm really just a guy who got caught doing what I should not - and know it....'

Maybe he is reacting the same as if you were called on the carpet for when you were using opiates. You probably knew it was wrong, but if you were put against the wall - would you lash out?

I'd say that he has a problem, and is reacting to the problem by attacking, rather than accepting his issue. I think that is common.

All that said - it is NOT ACCEPTABLE to put your spouse down like that. From that standpoint, you indeed have the right to be hurt and to talk it out with a counselor, etc.

I have a feeling (aside from all the funny visuals I had of you running around the house with your hand in his face), that you hit a nerve with him. A real issue he would rather not discuss.

Anyway - my $.02.

--LD


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 26, 2010 9:21 pm 
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I have had a chance to re-read my post from last night and I have to tell you for some reason I was feeling somewhat sentimental and perhaps I was not looking at this situation correctly. Now that I have had a chance to think about it.........I am mad as hell at this guy.......mad as hell and let me tell you why.

Yesterday was Sunday and this guy should have been laying around with his feet up watching Nascar or out on the golf course playing golf and having a beer with the boys. Maybe riding a motorcycle or something.............but he was out shopping...........SHOPPING FOR PICTURES..........Are you fng kidding me.

Your doing what your suppose to be doing cleaning.......and I hope that includes the bathrooms, vacumning, laundry and dishes that needed to be done and any sewing or cleaning out the garage. I just don't get it. Clearly he is being selfish and not taking advantage of his freedom........the freedom of being a MAN......

If this guy doesn't straighten up I suggest immediate counseling or a weekend with me. I know this will be a blow to some of you but I have been divorced 3 times and I can show this guy the way. I can show him how to get kicked out of the house in less than 2 days but not befoe at least getting one good homecooked meal. Hopefully he won't have to cook it for himself.

Ok......all kidding aside. I hope today is a better day and you guys work this out. We all have them and we all make it through somehow. Your in my prayers...the both of you. Now go take on the day.......pretty cheesy huh.....


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 26, 2010 9:51 pm 
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ReRaise you crack me up!

Thanks for the laugh.

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-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 27, 2010 7:54 am 
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Thanks guys! We made up. I just can't stay mad....to a fault. Never have been able to do it and can't hold a grudge either. Oh well. BUT....I did talk to him about it last night (while continuing to clean). Here is the deal. He DOES resent the suboxone but has promised to NEVER mention it again. I find this odd and asked him about it because we agreed to me going back on it and we agreed the money wasn't an issue. I told him if he had some medical condition that I would deprive him of purchasing just because he had to spend money on treatment and certainly wouldn't throw it in his face if the insurance wasn't covering it. He still thinks it is MY FAULT for getting addicted to begin with. I get it. I made choices. They were poor. But I also believe that addicts are just wired different and that I felt like crap before I ever started using and using made me feel as normal as I ever had. Who wouldn't want to feel "better"? He knows this because I used to complain about it before I ever used the narcotics. Suboxone is a godsend for me because it actually DOES make me feel normal far more than the narcotics ever did. It is like the magic pill I had been needing my whole life. We also have a better relationship when I am on it and fewer problems. So he shouldn't resent it. But he does and we will have to work on that a bit.

On another note, he also said this was all his fault to begin with because he wasn't being entirely truthful about our financial situation.

Note: We still have separate banking accounts. He does ALL the banking as I gave mine up so I couldn't buy drugs if I wanted to. But I could buy things if I wanted. I asked him to lie to me about the money a long time ago so I wouldn't spend any money. BUT....he is supposed to be truthful when I want to purchase an item for the house. This is the only time we combine money except to go on vacations, etc.

So the truth comes out that I can buy my couch if I just wait 3 weeks. He had made it sound like it would be at least a year the other day. Not true. So when he really thought about it last night and realized what he had said about the finances, he agreed he would have said the same thing if he was the one who wanted the couch and I was buying things all the time.

Finally....since we don't have as much money as we used to have since shutting down the business, we don't get to play as often anymore. This is fine as clearly I had way too much extra money before and it does nothing good for me. I just buy crap I don't need like drugs and boats I don't use, etc. etc. One of the only things we can spend money on is stuff for the house and since he is doing all the shopping, I don't get to decorate or partake in the only shopping we CAN do. He agreed we will go out once a month TOGETHER from now on and pick things out for the house TOGETHER and he will stop doing all the shopping on his own. I appreciate that.

He really is a great guy. I don't agree with everything and he can be super stubborn. But if I was with a weak man I would walk all over his sorry ass. It is much better this way.

Thanks to all of you for responding to this. It really helped for me to get it out in writing.

Cherie


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