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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 2:28 am 
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hi my name is jesse. i started doing oxys when i was 11. i would steal them from my mother to get high to help me throughout my day of abuse. the addiction stuck with me for a long time growing stronger and stronger everyday. i upgraded to bigger better stronger drugs and before i new it i was in and out of rehabs hospitals and jails. i once overdosed on 110 oxy 10s and i was in coma for a week, when i woke the doctor asked why i was suicide and i simply replied i was just trying to get high. i have been clean from any opiate for about a year and a half but i have been talking suboxene, also i take suboxene the 100 percent wrong way. i low them everyday and have been for the last year or so. i do about 8 mg to 12 mg daily. i have a routine just 2 mg in the morning and about 8-10 at night when i get home from work. i am a mover so i justify why i blow them but its getting very old. i am starting to have some serious problems happen to me. i cant stop no matter what i do i am to the point where im so constipated that i have to give myself enemas daily and have to starve myself. i feel like a zombie i just go home after work and just stare at my computer screen. i have a great job a beautiful girlfriend a beautiful garage and tons of people that love and care for me. the only thing that stops my thinking process for a little bit is working on my car. i dont wanna be the person i am anymore but this addiction has takin over my life. i wish i could just take my suboxene normal and be at a steady dose. i wanna stop my suboxene all at once but my mind wont let me. i have never been in this type of position, because when i was high it was bad but suboxene i can function and im paying the bills and still being a human but i feel like im on auto pilot i want control of my life i wanna wake up in the morning and reach for a bowl of cereal or my fiancee not a fucking pill. please anyone that has felt like this please just let me no there's hope. thank you and i hope nobody has to go through what i do because im to the point i feel like the only way im gonna be clean is when i get put in the ground.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 9:49 am 
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Hi jdw and welcome to the forum. I'm only sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. It sounds like you know that even though you are taking suboxone you are still in active addiction. It's one of the rare situations where a person is actually addicted to suboxone and not just dependent on it. I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you. And I can hear in your words how truly desperate you feel and how very much you want to change things for yourself and the people around you.

Does anyone in your life know what's going on with you? If not, can you tell anyone of them? I ask this because what if you opened up to someone and had them hold your suboxone, give you your prescribed daily dose, and then watch you take it properly (sublingually)? That might be exactly what you need to change things around in your life. it could give you some time to get out of the active addiction you are in.

If you don't have anyone in your life that knows, maybe you should consider opening up to someone - maybe your girlfriend. I cannot think of another way to help you to get through this. If you go to inpatient detox and come out off suboxone, I believe that will place you at serious risk of relapse on full agonists ("regular" opiates). And that's much, much worse than taking suboxone as prescribed.

I'm sorry I don't have any better answers for you. Maybe some others will come along with other ideas. Good luck to you and please keep us posted on how you are doing.

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-As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

-I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 03, 2011 10:28 am 
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Hey man, my names also Jesse and I too used to blow my subs. The first year I was on them I blew them daily, about 4mg. It made me congested all day, especially at night. I could not stop blowing em because when I didn’t blow them I would need to take more and would not feel as good (no euphemisms here by the way). I think it hits you much stronger when you blow em, to the point of a minor high.
Before subs, I also was addicted to oxys so I was addicted to the feeling of the drip and the ritual of crushing them. This was why I siffed the subs. Luckily the suboxone strips came out (which I highly recommend for people addicted to sniffing and people tapering) because they cant be sniffed. I also told a family member of my problem and they would hold them for me and watch me take them everyday.
If you really want this to stop you have to do whatever it takes. Left to your own devices you will continue to sniff em. I know this because even with the terrible side effects and telling myself I would take them properly tomorrow, I continued sniffing them for atleast a year. So strips and/family member holding and dispensing is the only way out of this. Good luck man. There is hope. I am currently taking .05mg a day properly and I have never felt better, happier, and more hopeful about the future.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:46 am 
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I can totally relate to JDW. I hate to say it, but I too use my suboX in the "wrong" way. And that's the case since I first started to take it. it's about 4 and a half years I'm on SuboX. Had my up and downs with the dose, even tried to quit last year, jumping from 0.5mg (I made it for 14 whole days) but it's different 'cause of the B.A. Now I'm taking 0.5 to 0.75mg. 'Cause if I take a quarter (0.5mg) I'll be in WD by bedtime, enough to not let me sleep. There was a time when I took up to 8mg, but that's waaaaaay too much for me. It completely dulls all of my senses, Not to mention the headeaches related to high doses. So it's definitely not a recreational drug, at least it isn't when taking high doses. Anyway, the way I take it is bad, I admit that. And I tried so many things to break that kind of addiction, but still I haven't made it :-( It's a freakin' ritual. It's completely mental. If I don't take it the way I'm used to, I feel like something is missing, like I didn't take any. And no matter how many days I take it normally, the desire to take it my way is always there. So it's an addiction itself. Wouldn't want it for anyone. But besides the way I use it, I function normally. I like to stick to lower doses, thus minimizing side effects. Anything above 1mg makes me feel agressive, irritated, sleepy, emotionless, to summarize it, like crap, like a freakin' zombie :-) Not to mention it's needless.
BTW- one thing I learned from my numerous attempts to quit,
if you want to taper down fast, and you're ok with about 4days WD. So basically you just abruptly stop taking suboX for a few days. The trick is your tolerance drops immensly. So when you take it again, you'll only need a minimal dose to get you back normal, and stay on it. that's what I've done sometime ago, from 2mg to 0.5 FAST.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 05, 2011 1:10 pm 
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jdw 240 wrote:
hi my name is jesse. i started doing oxys when i was 11. i would steal them from my mother to get high to help me throughout my day of abuse. the addiction stuck with me for a long time growing stronger and stronger everyday. i upgraded to bigger better stronger drugs and before i new it i was in and out of rehabs hospitals and jails. i once overdosed on 110 oxy 10s and i was in coma for a week, when i woke the doctor asked why i was suicide and i simply replied i was just trying to get high. i have been clean from any opiate for about a year and a half but i have been talking suboxene, also i take suboxene the 100 percent wrong way. i low them everyday and have been for the last year or so. i do about 8 mg to 12 mg daily. i have a routine just 2 mg in the morning and about 8-10 at night when i get home from work. i am a mover so i justify why i blow them but its getting very old. i am starting to have some serious problems happen to me. i cant stop no matter what i do i am to the point where im so constipated that i have to give myself enemas daily and have to starve myself. i feel like a zombie i just go home after work and just stare at my computer screen. i have a great job a beautiful girlfriend a beautiful garage and tons of people that love and care for me. the only thing that stops my thinking process for a little bit is working on my car. i dont wanna be the person i am anymore but this addiction has takin over my life. i wish i could just take my suboxene normal and be at a steady dose. i wanna stop my suboxene all at once but my mind wont let me. i have never been in this type of position, because when i was high it was bad but suboxene i can function and im paying the bills and still being a human but i feel like im on auto pilot i want control of my life i wanna wake up in the morning and reach for a bowl of cereal or my fiancee not a fucking pill. please anyone that has felt like this please just let me no there's hope. thank you and i hope nobody has to go through what i do because im to the point i feel like the only way im gonna be clean is when i get put in the ground.


I am sorry you feel so hopeless. I will tell you though that there is always HOPE. Don't give up. It sounds like you are having some anxiety as well as major depression and having ups and downs because of it. I agree with Hatmaker in that you need help with this as far as a support system. For me it was all about going slow and steady to get off of them, but only when I was READY. I have a great support system, and attend AA montly now, but attended more regularly in the start of my suboxone therapy. It's been very helpful, and help is only a phone call away anytime I need it. So if it's possible for you to get someone to help you, I would start there. Then I would talk to a doctor about a slow and steady taper process to get you off. You saying your "Mind won't let me get off of them" leads me to believe you are not ready for a big jump, and that you will need to work your mind over matter procees and get there one step at a time. There are always options, and there is always hope. So hang in there!! Don't beat yourself up, you are not a bad person, and don't punish yourself over and over for doing the subs the way you did. Try and move on from that part of it, and try and focus on the next step.. You'll get there, it is very very possible!! You'll find alot of help in this group, as I and many others have. I've only been here a few days and it's already helped me tremendously!
Good luck to you, and please please please always have hope! Never ever give up on that.

_________________
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
- Joseph Campbell


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2011 4:04 am 
I feel your pain, i was completley mis lead into suboxone being a miracle drug impossible to be addicted to and there are no negative effects of it. Sometimes its hard on this website to explain this cause everyone is so dam defensive, thats why i never posted my getting clean story, cause it was all dandy until i said one neg thing about the sub. I feel like it is still a drug, and its just like someone getting prescribed another physically dependant drug you dont have serious euphoria from, its still a drug, still attached to your opiate receptors, still makes you feel normal with it, shitty without it. it is not the be all end all its made out to be, and i doubt anyone on it from twenty years will be happy with the thousand of dolllars of dental work, and the long term damage to the brain. GOod luck facing your fears, for me i just had to face it head on, i was physically dependant on suboxone, and mentally is still physically if you think about it, your brain is releasing chemicals when you have it so in a sense that is still physical. I thought i was the black sheep when i found this website cause everyone claimed to be completely normal, but i think after years of being on it there sense of normal is different as they havent felt life without an opiate in years. After living life for a couple weeks after detox and getting my brain clean and learning to live a new way of life, what i once thought was impossible is now a piece of cake, and i truly love waking up in the morning kissing my gf instead of putting that nasty orange shit in my mouth. O ya and i can actually work out, i ran a half marathon on sub, but it completely ruined the running endorphin high, and that whole sense of well being i had. Its another opiate, anyone who tells you diffrent is lieing to themselves.


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