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PostPosted: Tue May 11, 2010 7:57 pm 
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:( God I am having a rough time and I am not handling it well. In fact I might as well have relapsed as far as I am concerned. Let me give a little info here...

I got back on the suboxone and had been doing great. I was working out every day. I was eating healthy. I was going to therapy regularly, taking the suboxone as prescribed, LIVING well. What happened and how did it happen so fast?

I posted about being annoyed all the time a couple weeks ago but was still laughing by the end of it. Then, my parents ran into some problems and they were moving to my side of the state, and then they weren't, and then my mom quit a job, got a job, quit a job, got a job and finally DID move to this side of the state yesterday. But that was after I was on the other side of the state where they live this weekend and it was the most miserable weekend ever. I went there on business and visited as a "perk". Instead, I watched as my mom stressed over her decision and she has sold off most of her belongings. The reality is this is all due to poor choices. My mom is not addicted to drugs but she is a shopping addict and she is co-dependent to my sister and she has spent all her money and now they have to do a short sale on their home and they will be living in a 27' trailer. At least she has a job but she is miserable.

My sister is also unemployed and wants me to co-sign on a rental which I don't want to do. She is calling me and talking about moving to Florida for some job and blah blah and what does she do with her kids and blah blah. Oh....she hasn't paid her mortgage in over a year and stands to lose her home soon too.

I feel totally responsible to save money in case of emergency because none of them has a credit card for obvious credit reasons. I don't want to co-sign on anything because I don't want my credit ruined.

To top it off, a week ago they laid off the VP of Operations at our company. A company I LOVE and I LOVED her. She believed in me wholeheartedly. She was the only one who really knew what my skills and talents were and I knew my career would go somewhere. Now....we have the owner who is smart and he likes me too but not for the right reasons entirely. He has no idea what I am capable of. He promoted the Receptionist in our office to HR Assistant (Assistant to whom I have no idea since they laid her off) and she is a scary, perfume counter, brain dead, idiot who kisses the owners ass and has major integrity issues but she is pretty so she has the owners ear. But she is a liar. So I felt secure in my job and now I feel like I could get fired for no good reason at any time.

On top of that, I owe this money to the state that I don't really owe and it is a long story but they are trying to put a lien on my personal property. I can afford to pay the money but refuse because I am stubborn. They really can't do a lien because I owed the money from my business which was an LLC but they are trying and that is stressful. Plus I want to do a refinance right at the moment and am hoping I can do this before that paperwork gets around. I don't even know where to begin with that.

Oh....and I had a deposition today for work and had to get into my work history and that is likely to get opposing council to pull my file from my business and see that I owe money. It will also reveal some bogus complaints but even though they are bogus.......there is a chance when this case goes to hearing that they will use that information to discredit me since they have no case otherwise. I don't mind explaining, but really don't need or want my boss to find out about this because it is a pain in the ass. I already mentioned I am afraid of getting fired.

If anyone read this far I thank you! Here is what happens to me. I stopped talking to my friends including Hatmaker because I just don't even know where to start. I isolate. I quit working out. I have been drinking beer the past few nights. Not getting drunk or anything but I have had at least 4 each night. I am overwhelmed. I am totally vulnerable. I feel just miserable. My husband just paid my therapy bill so I can schedule an appointment but it will take a couple weeks to get in. Oh.....I overtook my suboxone or took the extra that is reserved for pain and took it when I didn't have pain. Now I have pain and I don't have my extra suboxone so I am stuck with this. That also makes it really hard to work out.

I know that everything stressing me out are these thoughts and worries that don't really exist at this moment. I know that I need to meditate and some of this will go away. But I also just feel frozen. This is my using behavior. This is what I do. I feel stuck.

Cherie


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 Post subject: on overload
PostPosted: Tue May 11, 2010 8:31 pm 
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Hi Cherie,

Wow, you have a lot going on, and I thought my life was stressful right now.

First of all, I don't know you very well yet, but I think you are being very hard on yourself. You have so much going on, I don't even know where to start. I guess the only thing you can do is work on the things that you can do somethng about. First off all, stop drinking the beer, as I'm sure you don't feel good about that the next day. I'm sorry you took more sub than you should have and now you don't have it when you need it. So, when you take more than you need, does it help? I only ask because I know when I take more than I am supposed to it doesn't do a thing except make me even more irratble and more constipated, and neither of those things are helpful!

I'm sorry I don't have any better advice for you, but you remind me of me. When I get too much on my plate, I tend to do things that only make my own situation worse.

We are all here for you, so keep talking. You can get this all worked out! Honest! You have not made mistakes that you can't fix. Just get back on track, you know what you have to do.

Hugs,
Ginger


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PostPosted: Tue May 11, 2010 9:06 pm 
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Thanks Ginger. No....taking extra suboxone doesn't do a damn thing for me. Mentally though I have then done everything I can and I just sleep. And that is exactly what I do. I sleep as long as possible and wake up and the exact same shit haunts me when I wake up. I have enough sub to get me to my next appointment, but just not what I am supposed to have for pain so at least I didn't super over take it.

It is probably a good idea to stop the drinking. I don't regret it in the morning because I am not drinking enough to feel it....BUT...it isn't helping because I am just avoiding everything and that is the easiest thing to change first. So it probably sounds stupid but I appreciate the advice because I really do need a starting point and I am far more likely to not drink than to jump on the eliptical for an hour right now :-)

I do make everything worse when things are bad. I just freeze and go downhill fast. I do not deal well with anything when I am overwhelmed.

Cherie


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PostPosted: Tue May 11, 2010 10:00 pm 
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I was wondering where you went and was hoping this was not the story you were going to tell.........Yes for all practical purposes you could consider this a relapse.....especially when we take sub when we don't neeed it.....us addicts are paranoid people for sure. I use to think like that all the time like I am going to lose my job......and I have been through several depositions and I always end up thinking about every little thing in my file from my past......but you know my dad use to say to me because I was always worried about what people thought of me and he said if I only knew how little people think about me on a daily basis I wouldn't worry so much. It is true. We think we are special.

As far as your sister goes....that's an easy one....NO. Sorry..just can't help right now. it's her problem not yours.....don't make it your problem......Your mom that is your choice....help if you can....if you can't ..just tell her. We are not responsible for fixing the world..even though I sometimes think I can fix everything. you are working on you......and your sobriety is number one......When you stepped away there was alot of people that needed your experience and strength and all that takes is time......time that you don't have to think about all the crap in your life. I come here because it helps me not be bored and thinking........when I think sometimes that is not a good thing. You have alot to offer here......please stick around and share daily or whenever you can.

I have had 14 different bosses in my career....some I liked, some I hated...etc....the thing that was constant was my work ethic. As long as I did my job with passion no matter who was my boss.......ships always passed. I survived......and you will too. We all try hard to be the best that we can be........I think if we listen to one another and work with one another we will all make it through each and every day......cheer up. Leave the beer in the fridge and get back in here with your friends.......

Jim


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PostPosted: Tue May 11, 2010 10:06 pm 
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Cherie, I'm SO sorry you're in such a dark place. I understand what you mean by feeling like you've relapsed, but as has already been said, try not to be so hard on yourself. You didn't relapse and you turned to all of us - part of your support system - for help and to get some of this off your chest.

I think it's a fine line to walk to be close to one's family when they bring so much drama into one's life. It's like trying to keep them just a little bit at arm's length. At least that's the way I see it, considering my family is always drama-ridden. I work hard not to let them bring me down. It's not easy to learn a way to do that. And your family is now closer to you, so it might be doubly hard now. But I'm here and we're here for you. I'm glad you didn't isolate yourself so much that it kept you from posting this. I think handling it this way is damn therapeutic. So good on you, as they say down under.

Hang in there and keep venting away!

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 Post subject: you are so needed here!
PostPosted: Tue May 11, 2010 10:30 pm 
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Hi again Cherie,

I just wanted to add one more thing! I also noticed that you have not been around much lately. You are one of those awesome people that always notice the newcomer and new threads and posts and always reply back. There have been at least three days that I thought of you and wondered if maybe you were away on a business trip or something because I had no seen you post, and actually realy missed you.

So, I was really happy to see your thread tonight. I am glad that you are okay, just need to get back on track. You are such a huge addition to our members and I/we really miss you when you are not around.

I think it will help to see you therapist and talk some of this stuff out, but in the meantime, you have us, and I for one am so glad to see you back,

Hugs,
Ginger


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PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 8:31 am 
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First of all, Cherie, thank you for your post. I can feel the honesty and sincerity in it and I really have a TON of respect and admiration for you. From what I've seen of you here on this board, you are a kind, gentle, giving person.

I COMPLETELY understand how life can stress a person out.

A little bit about me:

I run an I.T. department for a $40 million company. I have a dozen people that report to me, and I report to the President of the company. It's a stressful, demanding, hectic, frustrating and difficult position to be in, but I thrive on challenge and generally LOVE what I do. But even though I love this job, I go through each day as a phony. Why am I a phony? Well, no one here knows of my past. I am one CORI check away from the unemployment line. (CORI = Criminal Offender Record Information, or something like that) It is astonishing to me that I have been able to rise to this level in this company - I've been here 11 years now - without any background checks, but I have.

Now then, I also support my mother financially. I pay her rent, her utilities, her cable TV, her internet and quite a few of her medical expenses that are not covered by MediCare. My mother is 65 years old and retired. Because my father is such an oxygen thief, he left her after 27 years of marriage with NOTHING. Somehow, he managed to slime his way out of the marriage and get a divorce with no alimony of any kind. I was in prison when this happened and powerless to help her. I have a TON of guilt about this, but that's another story for another time.

Anyway, it's quite expensive to support my mother. She never really worked, because she was a homemaker who raised three boys. So, she collects the minimum Social Security, which ain't much. It's about $780 per month. That's it. That's her entire income, I fund the rest of her life, which comes out to roughly $1,200 per month, give or take a few hundred.

If I ever lost this job (at which I make a very large salary) I'd probably be OK (eventually) as a private consultant, but it would still be a SERIOUSLY difficult situation....and I stress out about it constantly....I think to myself, "what if they come up with a requirement that all employees must have background checks?" And I stress and I stress and I stress and.......that's when the stinking thinking starts for me.

What I have learned in therapy is that I have to focus on what is IN FRONT OF ME, RIGHT NOW. Never mind the past, never mind the future.....focus on right now. Today. What am doing TODAY to live life on life's terms?

It may sound kind of simplistic, but I've got to tell you: It really helps! And it's not just a switch you can flick to make that happen. It takes time and effort, but even making the effort is helpful.

So, take from that what might be useful, and toss the rest. And I hope you are hanging in there.


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 Post subject: good morning.....
PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 9:19 am 
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Good morning,

Hope you are feeling a little better this morning.

Junkie - what an incredible story! I think it's awesome for you to support your mom like that. I can just imagine the stress you live with. I think though, since you have been with the same company for the length of time you have, and they obviously think quite a bit of you if you are in the position that you are in. You must have worked really hard to get where you are. I guess I am just saying that even if you got found out, do you know think that you could stand on your own merit by now? Obviously you know more than I do about your situation, was just thinking...

I know for a fact that if i ever got caught my job would be out the window so fast. I am a teacher and have been at the same school for over 20 years. Every time I end up in a position buying pills from someone that I know has been busted, I always leave there wondering if I am being followed and can get myself so stressed about it that I won't sleep for weeks. I actually had just left one place and it got busted less than an hour later so I was certain they knew about me. So far, I've been lucky, but I know the odds are dwindling if I don't smarten up.

Jack - I hope you are feeling better today. Check in when you can.

Ginger[font=Arial] [/font][code][/code][code]


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PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 10:27 am 
Hey Cherie. Sorry you're struggling. Sometimes it helps me to remember that just because I'm 'off drugs' or out of active addiction, doesn't mean all my problems are solved and all my questions have answers. Recovery is a journey. Our addiction didn't turn full-blown over night and neither will our recovery. I think we got so used to popping a pill every time our emotions got a little 'shaky' that we don't know how to cope without medicating anymore. Or we do okay with it for a while and then suddenly, it's just too much.
It sounds like you really have a lot of concerns and an awful lot to deal with. You're just going to have to keep doing the best you can.....and that's going to have to be good enough. As far as helping family members in any way financially that could land you in trouble......I agree with ReRaise (I think it was)....No Way!! They're adults (like you) and they're responsible for their own messes (like you) and they need to deal with them themselves (like you.) There just is only so much you can do, especially when you're in such a vulnerable state yourself.
Not to sound morose, but I appreciate you sharing what you're going through. And the others who shared on this thread. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by what has become of my life. I am journaling about it when I can. But sometimes it's difficult to find the words to describe how I feel. The best I can do is to say that I feel "broken." I feel like I'm a person who looks whole and complete externally but if you could see inside, you would see all this brokenness.....all these pieces held together by some invisible thread. The brokenness can't be fixed either. I'll never be the same person I was before my addiction. There are pieces missing that can't be replaced. And it's sad. It makes me sad. And sometimes the sadness is overwhelming.
There are also the more hard-core realities of my loss. While some of you mentioned the fear of losing your jobs....That is my reality. I lost a good-paying, recession-proof career. I surrendered a professional license and the circumstances surrounding that are a matter of public record.....available for the asking from the State Board of Nursing. Any prospective employer can learn about what I did, even if the job has nothing to do with healthcare. I've thought about going back to school, but everything that interests me requires a professional license. And guess what.....every licensure exam I know of requires you to answer a question about any other licenses held and whether there has ever been any action against them. Well....that counts me out!
I feel guilty for even whining though. It's not like I'm starving or anything. However, I do not like being completely dependent on someone else! I hate it actually! It is not comfortable for me at all. There are just so many things wrapped up this. Really, Cherie.....I just wanted you to know that I understand and I feel for you. You cannot let this stuff unwind all the work you've done. You've made some really positive strides in your recovery. So you messed up a little bit.....get back in the ring and go at it again! Quit drinking and quit taking your extra Sub. It's not helping anyway. It's only making things worse because it's making you feel bad about yourself. You can handle all this....one thing at a time. And you can handle it without drugs and alcohol and without isolating yourself. I believe we all help each other here as well. So keep posting about what's going on with you and know that we all "get it."


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 Post subject: yeah, it's me again!
PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 11:10 am 
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Hi again,

I can't stay away from this thread, I guess because I can relate so much to it.

setmefree - I so get the brokeness thing. I really do wonder if I'll ever feel good about being me again. it's not only all the awful things I have done to feed this addiction, or all the lies, or the money spent. It's that still when i look in the mirror at myself, I still have no idea who that is looking back. I mean I'm 48 years old, and still can really scare myself when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I still don't trust myself, and feel like at any moment I"m going to be exposed for the phony that I am.
As for your career as a nurse - I can't even imagine having to give that up. You are so right - I am so fortuante and so grateful that I still have my teaching career. it's the one good thing in my life, still. I have no idea how I didn't mess my career up, I came really close a few times. I so hope that soon addiction will be looked at like deprssion was years ago, and treatments like suboxone will be looked at as a positive. I don't know what the laws are in your state, but I do know of 2 nurses that are on methadone treatment and they still have their careers.
how has your husband been? I don't want to hijack this thread, I have throught of you and your situation so many times, wish there was something I could say or do that would be more helpful.

Jack - thinking you must be at work, been looking out for you. My students are at a track and field even today, so i have the whole day to catch up on reports - so I guess i shoudl get back to that!!

Ginger


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PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 11:35 am 
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Hey Cherie,
I won't start by asking " How are You "....... Cause I think I know!!!!!!! Really though Cherie give yourself a break.... It sounds like everything is coming at you fast and furious! If you can, take a step back and take things one at a time it may be easier then looking at the Whole picture and saying this is to much S%*t to deal with...... Sometimes if I separate BIG problems into several small ones I find it easier to deal with? You did the right thing by reaching out here for some feedback.. I only hope that WE can be as helpful as YOU are with the other people that come here looking for someone to talk to.... You are always there to help a new comer .... take a minute to help out " Cherie "....... Let us / me know if we can be of any help! If you just need to come here and VENT go right ahead we are listening :D . Hang in there we are ALL pulling for you!!!!!!

God Bless
TW

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PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 11:50 am 
Hi Cherie, I just wanted to add my support. I'm going through a pretty tough time, too right now, but I did re-start my Sub today. I just want to assure you that you did NOT relapse, and with all the stress you have you should consider that a big victory. You may have taken more than you needed at the time, but you didn't toss out your recovery and pick up your drug of choice. You're reaching out to us, you've told your husband and contacted your therapist. Those are big steps so don't minimize them. Believe me, I know how stressful the family stuff is. Keep breathing and keep the foucus on yourself and your recovery. It's not selfish or uncaring. You are the only one who can take care of YOU right now.
I can see by the replies that everyone is here to support you, as you have always been supportive of all of us. Please take care of yourself and just take it one minute at a time if you have to.


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 Post subject: Re: good morning.....
PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 2:21 pm 
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ginger61 wrote:
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Good morning,

Hope you are feeling a little better this morning.

Junkie - what an incredible story! I think it's awesome for you to support your mom like that. I can just imagine the stress you live with. I think though, since you have been with the same company for the length of time you have, and they obviously think quite a bit of you if you are in the position that you are in. You must have worked really hard to get where you are. I guess I am just saying that even if you got found out, do you know think that you could stand on your own merit by now? Obviously you know more than I do about your situation, was just thinking...


Ginger[font=Arial] [/font][code][/code][code]


That's a good point and yes, it is possible that I would be given a pass, but you never know...and I'd prefer not to find out!


Cherie, I hope you are ok, please check in when you can and let us know how you are doing! :)


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PostPosted: Wed May 12, 2010 9:15 pm 
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Thanks! You are all so wonderful. It has been incredibly helpful just to get this out so it isn't bouncing around inside my head and driving me crazy. I really did feel much better today. Not completely, but it got a load off my chest to post this. Like I just put the problem onto you guys and could stop stressing for the day.

It definitely helps for me to be back home and not watching my mom sell off all her stuff. At least it isn't so emotionally overwhelming for me. My sister called today and needs some antibiotics and has no insurance so she wants me to get her some. That I can do easily. I am still not co-signing for her.

It definitely helps to only look at what is impacting me NOW.....but sometimes that is easier said than done. I think at times it feels like it IS happening right now. I try to meditate and it is like.....negative thought.....thought again.....thought again.....and so on. I just can't get them out of my head. I try to sleep and wake up with thoughts.

I can totally relate to the "broken" feeling. I feel that way often. I also think I sell myself short all the time. I mean really.....I am sitting in a job where they keep telling me that they know I have WAY more skills than they are utilizing and it is only a matter of TIME. If this economy didn't suck I would look for something else but I love my job really and it pays the bills and it isn't super stressful. So it is a good job for me to get my life back on track to. But I am wasting my talents and the longer I don't use them the more I lose them and that sucks.

Anyways....today was easier. I just woke up and decided to work a long day and get caught up. I did which didn't leave me a lot of time to stress at home or come home and sleep. I came up with a few ideas that might help my work situation. The VP of Operations is going to meet with me in a couple weeks for drinks and she is going to help me with the owner of the company. I think she will advise me a little on how to get what I want/need from the company. I thought that was nice. I also e-mailed the owner and REMINDED him of my degree that we aren't using enough but did it carefully enough to just be planting the seed. Blah blah. You know the drill. I basically decided to stop just sitting here and do SOMETHING. So I feel better once I take action. I just had to get out of that frozen place and for whatever reason, you guys really helped me do that.

So Thanks!

Cherie


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