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PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 2:02 am 
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lizzieshug2013 wrote:
Cyber ((((((hugs))))))) right back. You're exactly right about it being a lot tougher than I thought it would be to tell basically the whole thing at once rather than just scattered bits and pieces, or just references to the"bad thing" that happened. I think one of the reasons it helps so much is that the more and more I go back and read it. .. the more I realize that it really wasn't my fault, and that my family did me wrong, and not the other way around. I shouldn't be constantly seeking their approval and forgiveness, They should be seeking mine! It's only through this last year, and process of learning how to deal with all these issues and past trauma, that I've realized I can tell my story and not have to beg people to believe me, and I don't have to be sorry for bringing it up. It's better to bring the painful parts of the past to light than to continue to keep it buried, where it can only make us sicker. I hope we can all heal and be better people for having told our stories. Even if we're only helping each other, it's been worth it:)


Exactly right, Lizzie, you've hit the nail squarely on it's head with your comment about realizing that you are not the one at fault. It's so easy to fall into that emotional trap of second-guessing and blaming ourselves for what happened. The "shoulda, woulda, couldas", and feeling like our self-worth rests on others' approval and/or forgiveness, especially when, like you said, they should be seeking out our approval and forgiveness. I totally understand about being worried about people not believing you. It's nice to know this isn't always the case and that you'll be believed and that there are others who totally get what we've been through. And if all we accomplish by this is helping each other, well, then, I say that's a pretty darn good accomplishment. ~huge hugs~

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 2:28 pm 
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Also, and only if it helps in any way, I'd like to offer up this thread as not only a place to share our individual traumas and offer support to each other as others who understand, believe and have been there with our own past hurts, but, also as a place to share how our past hurts have manifested in our everyday lives no matter if the trauma happened years ago or three months ago. A place to share feelings, vent, and just basically a place to come and purge if we ever feel the need. Because, I know for myself, personally, feelings and memories of my trauma will come upon me suddenly out of the blue and I don't really have very many friends and my family is just like, "Well, he didn't really rape you so why are you still dwelling on that? It was such a long time ago, just forget it and get on with your life already!" They've never actually said those words verbatim but close enough. I know, for a long time I had thought it was my fault or that my mom was ashamed of me after she tricked me into being locked up in a mental hospital for almost a year after it happened. I still remember her telling me were going out to run some errands but that she had to stop by the hospital where she worked as a nurse as I mentioned in my first post, and she told me to stay in this room and wait for her and I kept asking if we would be home in time for my favorite show, but, she just left me there and they took my shoes and locked me in a room and then a woman came and told me that I had to stay there with them for awhile and when I asked how long they said a few weeks or so. I remember thinking that I was there because of what happened for some reason, (you know how children's minds sometimes lack logic?), and I cried myself to sleep every night for the first week there. Years later my mother did apologize, she said she was pressured into putting me there by CPS and that she should have handled it differently but that it was a confusing, scary time for her because she felt she couldn't protect her own kids. I have a lot of anger still over the attack itself and the aftermath that my life became, which, later, turned to self-harming and drug use to numb my emotions about it all. I have told people that my drug use began when I got kidney stones around 2001 or so but in all honesty I was taking pain pills or getting into my parent's boxed wine and cutting myself even earlier than that, and I was scared to tell the entire truth for fear of bringing up those memories or of people not believing me, but, now, I'm learning that it doesn't matter if those I tell believe me or not, I know it happened and after vigorous, stay-up-all-night online research and using self-guided meditation to try to see my memories, (I always stop before it gets too real. I am still struggling with this but in order to recover details of a memory I don't think I need to feel what happened, I'm not trying to torture myself. I'm already getting knocked around with previously buried feelings), of that time more clearly and hear his voice more clearly, and I am now almost 100% sure I know who it was and that's good enough for me to feel relieved that he's going to stay locked up for years. Anyway, if you feel like getting something out, like you had that dream again, or you saw a person who looked like your attacker at Walmart today or you couldn't leave the house due to extreme anxiety today or just about anything that will help you in your continued recovery and healing that will keep us from first reaching for that emotions-killing substance before turning to those who understand and care. And, as you can see from this post, I am extending this invite for my own benefit as well as anyone else's. As the kitten says; hang in there and you don't have to be strong alone forever, we can be strong for each other. Thank you everyone!

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 3:43 pm 
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Skayda and Lizzie, I just want to wrap my arms around both of you for what you've been through! But this brings me to a point where I have to wonder if any of us have gotten through life unscathed by assault. I have a couple of stories that are similar, although I don't believe I have feelings of trauma from them that lead to my addiction.

When I was 6 I was reading comic books with my 13 year old neighbor and he stuck his hand in my crotch. I told him he needed to move his hand and he moved the hand that wasn't in my crotch. I said, "No, you need to move your other hand." He took his hand out of my crotch. I "read" a couple more pages of comics and then I left his room and went back into his sister's room. I never mentioned it to anybody. I didn't want to get him into trouble. I also thought that I took care of it so I didn't need to involve my parents.

When I was 11 my dad had a "little brother" from Big Brothers, Big Sisters. He was 12. My sister and I shared a room at the time. She was 13. This kid went to a boarding school nearby for kids that had troubled family situations. During the summer their families would take them or they would have to stay at the school for the summer. Well, this kid was staying at the school for the summer, so my dad thought that he should stay with us for the summer. The kid slept in a sleeping bag on the floor between my bed and my sister's bed. He had this pen light and his sleeping bag unzipped toward my bed. After my sister would fall asleep he would shine his pen light on his erection. I pretended not to notice at first. Somehow he got me to touch it. There was one time that he tried to touch me and I put a stop to it. Again, although it screwed with my head a little bit, I didn't really feel traumatized. He was about my age and about my size and he never forced me to do anything. It was also fairly obvious that he had been sexually abused before. I was ashamed though. The reason I didn't tell my parents, though, was because I knew they would be upset with themselves for allowing the boy to stay in our room. I didn't want them to feel bad.

I came fairly close to being raped in college. I was drunk and passed out on some random guy's bed. I knew him as an acquaintance and there was a party going on in a few of the dorm rooms. One of the guys at the party was a very good friend and that's why I was there. I woke up with the guy (not my friend) on top of me, kissing me. I think I kissed him back for a few seconds before I figured out what was going on. This guy outweighed me by at least 50 pounds and I quickly realized I couldn't move. He wouldn't let me up at first. It took me several minutes of cajoling, reasoning, and threatening him before he got off me. So, I didn't consider myself assaulted, but I knew how easily it could have happened and how helpless I was. I always made sure after that to make sure that I was always with a friend when drinking and that if the friend left, I left with him or her.

Those are my stories and they probably shaped me in ways that I wasn't aware of. One of the huge differences for me is that my parents were always loving and supportive (not perfect though). I always felt safe with them and I never felt like they wouldn't have believed me.

In your situation, Skayda, the fact that you were placed by your mother in an institution involuntarily right after your assault, of course makes you connect them!!! I hear that your mom was struggling in some ways, but she only compounded your distress over the assault. I'm so glad she apologized later because she was so wrong to do that to you!! You needed reassurance that you did nothing wrong and instead she put you away in a place that increased your guilt and shame. That was so wrong of her!!

And Lizzie, I don't know if I can get you to believe how wronged you have been by your family. Everything your mother did in the aftermath of your rape was unbelievably wrong!!! At 22 you weren't really fully independent and grown. You still needed the shelter of your parents' love and belief in you. They betrayed you!! And yet, they left you feeling like you needed to make something up to them, as if they were the injured party!! Your sister and your mother are despicable people. The rapist is simply evil. You need to do some work on your belief system. Part of you still thinks that you owe your family something and you absolutely do not! I would cut them out of my life until they apologize, although I don't expect that they will ever do that. Your family is selfish and terrible. You need to start choosing different people to be your family. People who understand what a wonderful person you are. We are all flawed! None of us are perfect! But your addiction does not change the core of who you are. You are generous and loving, two things that your family isn't. Don't let their lies make you feel bad about yourself for even one more second!! I would be proud to be your sister!

Skayda, you have made an extremely credible case that Kevin Coe was the man who assaulted you. I believe you. Remembering his voice is only one more layer of credibility. Do you want to contact the authorities that were involved in the case or someone who wrote about the case? They might be interested in the information, or they might not. It doesn't change the fact that your story is completely credible to anyone who reads it.

I hope that others might be willing to use this platform to gain support. This is a place for healing and helping each other. There will be no questioning of peoples' stories! Just love and support.

I also encourage any men who have experienced assault or similar situations to relieve your burden here. I think it's sometimes harder for men to be upfront about traumas they have experienced, but your voices are welcome here too.

If anyone thinks it would be fun to troll in this thread, DON'T TRY IT! You will be banned immediately.

Amy

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2014 4:06 pm 
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Amy, you're so right, my family had done despicable things to me over the years, worst probably being making me think that coming forward about what Jerry had done to me was my fault, and that I had embarrased the family, and I was the cause of all my sister's pain, and the family being divided and in complete turmoil. I now know that isn't true, but I believed for a long time that if I'd just kept my mouth shut, everyone's life wouldn't have been thrown into such an upheaval. I got so sick of being told how I needed to forgive, forgive, forgive. I tried many times, I can't. They aren't even sorry for what they did, and when I do bring it up, I'm told what a drama queen I am, and asked why I'm "still stuck on that" I know people say forgiveness isn't for the other person, it's for me, but these people aren't worthy of my forgiveness. They don't even acknowledge any wrong doing! I asked my mom how the hell Brenda could've stayed with her sister's rapist, and she said, "Liz, no one is perfect, and you can't help who you love, why should your sister be miserable because you are?" "She loves him. " I asked Brenda the same question, and her reply was, "I knew how you were back then, and I love you, so I forgave you for seducing Jerry, so just drop it, I'm not mad at you anymore." That's the last time I ever spoke to her about it. It was as if I'd been raped all over again. I knew throughout these last years that it changed me, but I didn't fully realize just how much, and how much it contributed to my addiction and other maladaptive behaviors, until getting into recovery. I wish I had the kindness and support I get here, from my family, perhaps things would've been much different, who knows? Amy, don't discount what you've been through. It's terrible that anyone has to endure sexual abuse of any kind. I'm sorry for what happened to you as well. I'm working hard on cutting people out of my life, who bring me down, it's a process I suppose.
Thank you again skayda for starting such an important thread. Talking about these monsters in our closets is an important part of our recoveries. This anonymous place may be easier for some who aren't yet comfortable sharing face to face, even with their closest friends and family or therapists. And, Amy, thank you for helping make this a safe place to do so. I agree this should absolutely be a troll free zone! Is already difficult enough without having to deal with cyber bullies who would cast doubt on our experiences.


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