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PostPosted: Sun Oct 11, 2009 5:15 am 
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:evil:
I woke up at about noon yesterday and looked around for one of the empty fentanyl patches to suck on -but the container was empty. (After the gel-type patch has been emptied, I cut the sticky layer of a 100mcg/hr patch into three or four strips and suck on them to prevent w/d - No, I don't shoot the gel :evil: )
No having a piece of a patch handy, I remembered that a friend had given me a handfull of 8mg suboxone pills & I swallowed one. An hour later I was feeling like shit so I ate five 4mg dilaudid & found a couple pieces of fentanyl patch to suck on -I think that may have made it worse. ---By about 2PM I thought I was going to die! I had never felt w/d like this. Vomit, diareah, sweating, aches, chills along with the stomach pain that my prescriptions are supposed to take care of -100% w/d. I had my wife run to the pharmacy and fill a duragesic script with my last $400 (that I was saving to give to my mother because I put the last one on her credit card without her permission) -
Anyway, I took 70mg of liquid Methadone &, after what seemed like several hours, she came home with the patches. I quickly dried some gel in a spoon and smoked a couple hits -then a couple more, etc. After about two patches the w/d's were gone. But I didn't stop until about 8 patches later.
This was a terrible & very expensive experience. Perhaps I am lucky that I didn't administer the pill properly and, by swallowing it, didn't receive the full 8mg Buprenorphine & just got the Narcan (some nasty stuff) -Otherwise the Bupe' might have been in my system and caused this w/d to be irreversable (or maybe it would have worked and I would be taking a second tab about now).
I don't know if I'm even a potential Suboxone candidate -I can't get by on 40mg of morphine/day and I think that's all it its capable of. And I have the chronic pain issue.
***********End of that story**********

My opiate career started 20+ years ago but didn't get really serious until about 2002. Then, in 2003? I ran into an old friend who was a speed junkie (IV user). After the bar closed, we went to her apartment and she shot me up with one of the 8mg dilaudid I had with me. That was the begining of a long period of IV opiate use. It wasn't long until I could hit myself, dispite a longtime fear of needles (which probably saved my life in my younger years). -In early 2005, I had had enough & felt like I was depriving my daughter of a father and like I was fucking my life & my family up so I went to the methadone clinic. The public clinic had me sign the waiting list and said it would be 2 to 4 weeks before I could get in. I thought "my god -here I finally decide to get clean and there's no room for me". As I was leaving, the lady said I might want to try the new, private clinic that had opened a week ago. So there I went, to the private clinic -they said to come in tomorrow with $65 for my first week and they could give me a dose right then!
I was patient #13 & had my life back together within a couple months -had a good job, moved to a deluxe neighborhood & was doing great. I had take homes after a whole & had to come in once every two weeks & weaned myself from 130mg down to 17mg per day -I had a huge supply -enough to last a year+ at 17mg per day saved up so I quit going to the clinic. Still doing well months later, I started having these stomach pains.
One day -or morning, I guess -the pain was terrible and I ended up at the emergency room. They gave me IV dilaudid & did a CT scan to see if I had kidney stones. No stones. They sent me home and said I must have gas or maybe it was withdrawl even though I had been on the same dose of methadone for a month! Several doctors later, they did another scan & the little "inflamation" around my aorta that they didn't tell me about had grown into a bigger inflamation and now looked like LYMPHOMA! My wife writes my doctor a letter asking for pain med's dispite my drug abuse history and hgave me fentanyl & oxycodone but insisted I quit the methadone.
I start shooting dope again, thinking I have cancer.
More tests & a biopsy performed by this idiot dr. that reveals nothing -He couldn't see any mass or tumor...
Another surgeon & oncologist decide on a really easy biopsy procedure using a needle and CT imaging & it proves I have another nasty disease, Retroperitoneal Fibrosis, which isn't good -but it's not cancer.
Oncologist does steroid treatments & repeat scans & now, a few years later, here I am. Still alive but severely addicted to abusing my pain medication.
I didn't go on disability when I had a chance and then the company I worked for folded (2500 jobless) so I lost my insurance. Unemployment ran out and can't afford $1200 a month for the patches but always find a way to get them.
Financially & otherwise, this addiction is something I need to deal with.
I'm thinking of having the dr switch the fentanyl out for methadone pills because they are so cheap. Then I can taper them down to a point that I can try Suboxone again. -That's my plan.
Didn't mean to write a freekin' book here -Later


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 5:18 pm 
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[font=Arial Black]Jerry1995-
Welcome to the site. It sounds like your addiction has a very strong hold on you, and you need to determine how badly you want to be free of the insanity - things sound very out of control with you. In my opinion, You really should not be taking care of your own addiction treatment.If you haven't figured it out yet you have not done such a great job of living a life in recovery.When you initially started Methadone, you kept hording your medication and quit the program, which goes against the principles of treatment.I feel stricter monitoring is warranted for this reason.
Reading your story helps me realize how sick you are, but do you realize it? I feel the only way to even begin this journey is by attending residential treatment or Intensive outpatient Treatment. Addiction education is essential to your success, are you willing to do that? If not, how do you expect to change your behavior? Your methods of ingesting( smoking,sucking gel) your medication have very negative effects on your health, mental and physical.
I hope you realize that you must take responsibility for your addiction.There is no one or nothing else to blame, standing up and accepting what you did to put you in this position is a good start.If you need help finding treatment, just ask- I really think it is necessary.
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 26, 2009 12:19 am 
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Hi Jerry,

I have to agree with shelwoy, it sounds like youre probably beyond self-detox. I'm really sorry to hear about all of the medical problems you're having, and i'm sure the financial troubles only aggravate things. Having an incompetent dr. makes things even more difficult. What worries me most though is that you went back to shooting dope because of a difficult life event. i can only imagine how difficult it must be to think you have cancer. But life is full of difficult hurdles, and its important to be able to face them without returning to an abusive lifestyle. THAT is where most of us fail on our own. That is where peer support is absolutly vital. If you do get on suboxone, that would be only the first step. Please, dont do it alone! I hope the best for you man. Please keep posting on this site, and let us know how your doing.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2012 7:16 am 
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I respectfully disagree with the notion of anyone being beyond self-detox. It's the only kind of detox that stands the recovering addict in good stead for prolonged & indeed life-long recovery, health, stasis, sanity....
Culture offers little or no help for overcoming unexamined repetitious behaviours...since it's in the business of promoting them ..

More accurate to say that truly empowered self-detox is beyond everyone except docs & other healthcare workers who have higher rates of access to pure substances and not surprisingly addiction & self-detox)


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2012 3:17 pm 
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Hi Jerry, there is nothing that I can say, that skelwoy and mufasa haven't already said. I do agree with them. I have no idea what suboxed in was saying, hopefully you did and got something out of it. That was a crazy story, and I do feel for you and your family. It is definitely time to take the reins and do what is necessary for yourself. I think some time in-patient would do you wonders, but that is ONLY my opinion.

Good luck to you Jerry. I hope to hear you post back later and tell us you are doing well.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2012 6:53 pm 
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Your replying to a post that is over 3 years old!


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 7:57 pm 
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Hey I know this is an old post however I thought I would comment. Since its been a while, how are you doing? Are you working again or no? Do you have insurance? If you are not working you can qualify for Medicaid in your state, which state do you reside in? medicaid covers everything i pay $2 for doctor visits and $1 for all meds including 100mcg fent gel patches ... xanax and a bunch of other drugs, I have leukemia. So I feel your pain trying to get off pain meds and switch to subs its hard, i have done it multiple times and have succeeded and failed and everytime gets harder. I hope things have gotten better since your last post :-)


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