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 Post subject: Abuse or addiction?
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 6:56 pm 
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I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 1/2 years. The first year and a half I had no idea he had an addiction to pain killers. He went through alot, I'm assuming, to keep it hid from me. About a year ago, it finally came out when he told me he wanted to get clean because his daughter had gotten pregnant at 17, with his first grandchild. So he started goung to a methadone clinic a few miles from our home. At the start he was going every single day for months at a rate of about $20 a day. This was outrageous to me because we were living offmy income alone. Supporting my three kids myself and my boyfriend suddenly became an impossible task. It was costing me over $500 a month to fight an addiction I never knew existed. It got to where he was taking my money to make sure he would have clinic money and left me with no rent money. I took a second job to try and make ends meet but it just made him spend more I money. He started gambling at casino and thus leaving me with less money. I found it impossible to support him through this process as his demeanor got worse and worse everyday. He was always angry, yelling at my kids over something as little as whispering too loud. He went so far as to tell them he hated them and wanted them to live with their father so they could be beaten again. I took this as my cue and packed our things and left. This was about two months into his treatment at the clinic. For nearly a month, he begged me to come back. He said he had sold his truck to,pay the rent himself and he was going to see a counselor. He apologized to my kids and told them he loved them as they were his own. For about a month his attitude was better. Although, he still hadn.t made any effort to find a job. Two months later we were evicted from our home and forced to live with his mother. My family lives over an hour away so when it got bad again I couldn't do anything. I had to sell my jeep and al we had was his mother's backup car to drive. My feeling was that this was intentional so that I couldn't leave. Once we were in his mother's it was a whole new ballgame. He got insanely mean, to both my kids and myself. If one of my kids got sick and I attempted to tend to them he'd say they were faking it just to get mommy to baby them. He was the worst to my youngest who is now 10. He went so far as to tell her he was going to laugh when she died. And while she laid there bleeding to death he would take everyones phones so noone could call 911 for help. Who would talk to a child that way? And what kind of mother would sit there and let her adult son talk to a child that way? She never said a word to him. If I tried to leave he would hold me down take away my phone so I couldn't call for help and it would be this way for days until I pretended things were ok then he would give it back. I didn't know what to do. Eventually after five months I saved enough money by hiding it to rent another house. When he took me to sign lease he originally didn't even want to be on it so landlord made it out to only me. The night we had to sign it, of course was another story. He came in and said he wanted to be on it and to avoid confrontation in front of the new landlord, I remained quiet for fear she would say we couldn't have the house. We have now been living here for close to 2 months and things are really really bad. I have done alot of research on the suboxone he takes to this day and I have read that it can cause irritability but to this extreme? He has had his dose dropped once in the year at the clinic from 10 mg to 8 mg. To be honest, I have never done drugs, never been addicted to anything in my life, so I don't really understand it. I am ready to bail for good. Change phone number and just disappear off the grid. He has told me he would kill me if I leave. I'm buying myself a new vehicle to get myself back and forth to work as soon as my taxes come in and as much as I hate to break my lease so soon, knowing,it will cost me a fortune in eviction and court costs because he certainly has no intention of paying the bills here, I am ready to do just that to get away. I do apologize for making this so long but in order to ask my question, I needed to give some of the history first. So I will get to my question...this behavior my boyfriend has, is this common in addicts or is this what is expected with seboxone users or is this just an abusive man showing his true colors? Because like I said I have never used drugs and I have never been with anyone who was an addict before so I don't know. He says he has asked for his dose to be dropped several times and his counselor keeps putting him off so he has been at 8 mg for about 7 months now and his counselors keep getting fired or quit fir whatever reasons at this clinic so he has been through at least 6 different counselors in a year. I think at $500 a month, and you can never get in touch with your counselor when you need to, they don't really know what they are doing half the time and don't even remember when they set their appointments to see you then they are solely in it for the money instead of actually helping people get off their addictions. There are people that go there that have been on seboxone for 13 years. Does it really take that long to be weaned off of it? Or are they prolonging your addiction to suit their financial needs?


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 7:44 pm 
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Wildflower1978 wrote:
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 1/2 years. The first year and a half I had no idea he had an addiction to pain killers. He went through alot, I'm assuming, to keep it hid from me. About a year ago, it finally came out when he told me he wanted to get clean because his daughter had gotten pregnant at 17, with his first grandchild. So he started goung to a methadone clinic a few miles from our home. At the start he was going every single day for months at a rate of about $20 a day. This was outrageous to me because we were living offmy income alone. Supporting my three kids myself and my boyfriend suddenly became an impossible task. It was costing me over $500 a month to fight an addiction I never knew existed. It got to where he was taking my money to make sure he would have clinic money and left me with no rent money. I took a second job to try and make ends meet but it just made him spend more I money. He started gambling at casino and thus leaving me with less money. I found it impossible to support him through this process as his demeanor got worse and worse everyday. He was always angry, yelling at my kids over something as little as whispering too loud. He went so far as to tell them he hated them and wanted them to live with their father so they could be beaten again. I took this as my cue and packed our things and left. This was about two months into his treatment at the clinic. For nearly a month, he begged me to come back. He said he had sold his truck to,pay the rent himself and he was going to see a counselor. He apologized to my kids and told them he loved them as they were his own. For about a month his attitude was better. Although, he still hadn.t made any effort to find a job. Two months later we were evicted from our home and forced to live with his mother. My family lives over an hour away so when it got bad again I couldn't do anything. I had to sell my jeep and al we had was his mother's backup car to drive. My feeling was that this was intentional so that I couldn't leave. Once we were in his mother's it was a whole new ballgame. He got insanely mean, to both my kids and myself. If one of my kids got sick and I attempted to tend to them he'd say they were faking it just to get mommy to baby them. He was the worst to my youngest who is now 10. He went so far as to tell her he was going to laugh when she died. And while she laid there bleeding to death he would take everyones phones so noone could call 911 for help. Who would talk to a child that way? And what kind of mother would sit there and let her adult son talk to a child that way? She never said a word to him. If I tried to leave he would hold me down take away my phone so I couldn't call for help and it would be this way for days until I pretended things were ok then he would give it back. I didn't know what to do. Eventually after five months I saved enough money by hiding it to rent another house. When he took me to sign lease he originally didn't even want to be on it so landlord made it out to only me. The night we had to sign it, of course was another story. He came in and said he wanted to be on it and to avoid confrontation in front of the new landlord, I remained quiet for fear she would say we couldn't have the house. We have now been living here for close to 2 months and things are really really bad. I have done alot of research on the suboxone he takes to this day and I have read that it can cause irritability but to this extreme? He has had his dose dropped once in the year at the clinic from 10 mg to 8 mg. To be honest, I have never done drugs, never been addicted to anything in my life, so I don't really understand it. I am ready to bail for good. Change phone number and just disappear off the grid. He has told me he would kill me if I leave. I'm buying myself a new vehicle to get myself back and forth to work as soon as my taxes come in and as much as I hate to break my lease so soon, knowing,it will cost me a fortune in eviction and court costs because he certainly has no intention of paying the bills here, I am ready to do just that to get away. I do apologize for making this so long but in order to ask my question, I needed to give some of the history first. So I will get to my question...this behavior my boyfriend has, is this common in addicts or is this what is expected with seboxone users or is this just an abusive man showing his true colors? Because like I said I have never used drugs and I have never been with anyone who was an addict before so I don't know. He says he has asked for his dose to be dropped several times and his counselor keeps putting him off so he has been at 8 mg for about 7 months now and his counselors keep getting fired or quit fir whatever reasons at this clinic so he has been through at least 6 different counselors in a year. I think at $500 a month, and you can never get in touch with your counselor when you need to, they don't really know what they are doing half the time and don't even remember when they set their appointments to see you then they are solely in it for the money instead of actually helping people get off their addictions. There are people that go there that have been on seboxone for 13 years. Does it really take that long to be weaned off of it? Or are they prolonging your addiction to suit their financial needs?




Hi Wildflower1978 and welcome to the forum.
Man, it sounds like you need to get out of there! Is he on methadone or suboxone? If he is on suboxone he should not be acting this way. If he is on methadone he maybe selling it and then running out and having withdrawals and that would put him in a foul mood. Was he always like this or did it start when he went for treatment?

It sounds to me like you need to protect yourself and your children and get out of there as soon as possible. I would leave even if I had to go to a shelter. A man without a job is a lazy ass for not supporting his family.
Good luck to you and God bless.

Slipper


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 11:41 pm 
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there really is no excuse for being abusive, ever.
and believe me, mental abuse is just as, if not worse, than physical abuse.


this guy sounds EXACTLY like my stepdad......maybe he is my stepdads long lost brother???

sorry for making a joke,,,,I had to break the tension.....

I think you need to do some real 'soul searching' and find your answer, and I think you have already said it and made your plan to execute it. dont forget that the laws are alot stronger than they ever were 20 years ago,,,,, you WILL be backed up, as long as your serious.....

and Im truely sorry you have found yourself in this situation.
think about your kids.......

Im not sure if he's on suboxone or methadone, but like my first sentence, whatever the case theres no reason or excuse to be abusive like that.

I really hope you can find the strength for you and your children to do what you need to.

thanks for sharing

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http://almostoneyearclean.blogspot.com/


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2012 11:53 pm 
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wow, Wildflower, you are in a really bad situation.

I can't say what your boyfriend is on, but his behavior is not the behavior of a person with a healthy recovery. His behavior is the behavior of an abuser. Classic, textbook abuser behavior.

He is abusive; this is an undeniable fact. His behavior is not going to get better. It is only going to get worse.

For the sake of yourself and your children, you need to get away from this man. Please look up resources in your area for domestic violence victims and speak to a DV advocate. They will tell you what you need to know to protect yourself and your family and get yourself out of this situation.

Please check out this website for the National Domestic Violence Hotline, they can help you find the help and the information that you need.

[web]http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/am-i-being-abused-2/[/web]

Please be careful wildflower, but don't wait. Get help now.

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 Post subject: No Way
PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:20 am 
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Wildflower.....

If he is truly on suboxone then his behavior should not be like this. He is either selling his suboxone and still using or has more problems mentally then you thought.

You have to think of your children...trust me they will remember this stuff forever. If mom or anyone else condones this behavior you have to be strong and get the hell out of there. You say you never suffered from addiction but I will tell you that you don't have to ........to know that what he is doing is abuse and it could result in a serious ending.

I would tell you to take the advice of DOQ or contact any agency that you can and get out of this relationship any way you can. I know you think it could be love and if he tells you he will kill you if you leave or himself that is not something you want for you or your children. I am so mad writing this when he tells your child that he would not call 911 if she was bleeding out....you got to get out of there. There are places you can get help.

Even if the only thing he is on is suboxone you have to get away........this is not normal nor have I heard of just a suboxone patient acting in this manner. This man has more issues then taking his suboxone. I pray you are able to get away with your children and find safety. If you stay god knows what your next post could be. I wish I could help you more but I can only say that suboxone or subutex does not make someone say the things you have said in your post. Find someone or an association that can help you get away with your children and live a safe life. I do not believe you and your children are safe continuing to live with this man. Good Luck........You are in my prayers.........

Jim


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:40 am 
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Yes he is taking 8 mg seboxone strips every morning for about 7 months. Prior to that he had been taking 10 mg tablets for a few months. I know now he had been on vicodin, oxycontin, and a number of other pills for who knows how long. I had been doing research on it to see if that was causing him to be angry all the time and I had read it can cause irritability but this goes above and beyond irritable. It is a bit closer to psychosis. In our state if there is violence and I fight back we both go to jail and I can't leave my kids alone even for a night. I have managed to call police before and they will not make him leave if he is on the lease unless it got physical in which case they would have to take us both into custody is wgat we were told. So...he has to be evicted. He seemed a bit controlling before beginning treatment but nothing like this or even close. I have actively been seeking a new place and I am pretty certain that I have one so I am pretty well packed up to bail. I had a feeling it was closer to mentally unstable than the seboxone treatments. Thank you so much to all of you who replied. You've helped me see behind his mask. So than you.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 10:19 am 
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I'm sorry to sound harsh, but to hell with his addiction! You have to take care of yourself and your children! I used to be a domestic violence victim advocate/counselor, and let me tell you, men who do/say what you are describing are NOT ALL TALK! They ARE dangerous!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE AND DO NOT LOOK BACK!!!!

You've been beyond understanding and have given him every chance possible. Now it's long past the time it's hurting you and your family. Now I suggest you get out and get out now. Listen to Diary's advice. If you need to find a shelter, then so be it.

I don't know what state you are in. I'm in Michigan and if by some chance you are as well, please PM me.

There are many many domestic violence non-profits and local community mental health agencies in addition to the resources diary posted, so if you need more, just google those places in your area. (Or ask us and we can assist.)

Good luck and PLEASE be careful. Keep us posted so we know you continue to be okay.

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 11:28 am 
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Once again Hat is right. Addiction is not the problem, he is. It is very common for abusive people to not seem abusive earlier in a relationship. It will continue to escalate over time. Please get out and get out now. Tonight could be the night he takes this abuse to the next level. Call a family member, a friend or use the resources diary listed but please take this very seriously. I am not trying to scare you and my heart breaks for you and your children. This is just something you can't take a chance by waiting, once it's too late it's too late. Please keep us posted and if there is anything we can help you with do not hesitate to ask.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:02 pm 
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I'm a suboxone patient, have been since early 2008, and I'm here to tell you...I don't have THAT kind of relationship with my wife AT ALL. I love my wife, and she's seen me cry more since I've been on Suboxone than ever before in the time we've been married...and we're celebrating 14 years on June 6 of this year. We had a chihuahua (female) named Precious....we got this dog in January of 2001, right after my first child, my daughter, came home from the hospital from being born. So they were right there together in age. Precious had some siblings, but they all succumbed to disease that and problems that this particular breed of dog succumbs to early in their lives...they all lived about 4-5 years and passed away..but precious seemed fine. She had an emergency surgery when she was 3 years old because her abdominal wall had ruptured and her uterus fell through, but other than that...no health problems at all.

She was here with me when I chose pills over my family...she was waiting on me to come in from work, when I had a shift that was from 4pm til 2:30am...when I would come in the door at 3am, Precious would be waiting on me..and she would keep on pacing to the couch until I decided to come lay down (because I slept on the couch -- even though I had chosen addiction over my wife, I still could NOT sleep alone in the bed, something about getting used to having that person next to you)...

In 2008, I had been on Suboxone for about 8 months, but 6 months steadily...so I was back to normal...mostly...it was right at the first part of December..and nearing Christmas-time...

Precious had come down with some sort of cold...kinda like a flu, or upper respiratory problem...she was having lots of asthma attacks and coughing...but we figured she would be ok, and we gave her a couple of breathing treatments in my son's nebulizer...

Precious didn't pull through that ...she passed away on December 5, 2008. I remember the time of day, I was keeping a close eye on her because she was acting weird..and she went to the back of the house...and I waited about 15 minutes and followed to make sure she was ok.

This still brings tears to my eyes...but she went into the room where she came home with my daughter to...our master bedroom..where she had slept with us for SO many years...and she laid down and gave up her life..

I know to this day..she loved me dearly and I loved her...but the amount of sadness I felt was overwhelming that day...I cried like a baby...and actually just typing all of this out has brought a tear to my eyes...
And as I sit here and type, the two chihuahuas that we got at 6 weeks old, not as replacements, but as a legacy of our love to Precious, are in my lap right now. I knew that I'd never be able to replace that one little dog, because she meant SO much to me, personally. She wasn't close to ANYONE like she was me, even my wife would tell people "that's his dog...she loves him more than anyone else..."

We waited until May after Precious passed on the December prior to go and get these two little chihuahuas that we have now...but there's nothing quite like the companionship that this breed gives...they are EXTREMELY loving to their owners...

So there's you a story about someone who's been on Suboxone for a while and faced hardship...I could be abusive, I have a VERY bad temper, but it RARELY flares up and I hardly ever lose my cool. But I've NEVER, not ONCE been abusive toward my wife. Even in the midst of my addiction..I still wouldn't do that. I'm not THAT kind of man. It takes a really poor excuse of a man to do that. If you LOVE someone..is THIS the way to show it? If you appreciate all that someone has done to help you...is THIS how you would return that love and affection?

I don't think so!


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2012 2:58 pm 
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It's already been said kind of, but your boyfriend/husband (sorry I forgot which) is abusive, and it has nothing to do with addiction. Granted, his addiction might bring out abusive behavior in him when he's not feeling normal or otherwise, but regardless... if you could go back in time and change nothing about him, except eliminating his addiction... you would fast forward, and still have an abusive partner.

I would recommend finding a way to get him into domestic violence therapy. Whether it be brought on voluntarily, or involuntarily (via a court order, arrest, etc).

Sorry to hear about your situation, I can not believe someone would treat and talk to children like that. I wish the best for you and your kids.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 23, 2012 9:49 pm 
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Abuse.

Once that abusive dynamic is alive in a relationship it's nigh impossible to kill. An abusive person can't fix themselves while they remain in the abusive relationship. So the best way to help him is to leave him. They can only work on themselves when they're alone. And it's a lot of hard work on their part that takes years. So if they call up in two weeks begging for forgiveness, they ain't fixed yet! They just wanna relapse.

They hate themselves so much they can't live with themselves, so they find a woman to throw their self-hate onto. The painkillers may have drowned out his self-hate and made him tolerable for a while, but now he's on a program his behaviours are showing.

They really need to start dating more Germain Greer feminazi types to put them in their place. But they never go for those women, of course.


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