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PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2015 3:03 pm 
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Thank you for the update SA.

Just don't give up on yourself, you never know where or when you will find the motivation you need to get better.

Make that appointment with the Addiction Specialist a priority! I think that's your best bet right now.

You are in my thoughts,

Q

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2015 3:27 pm 
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Hey SA :)

Well it is good to hear that ur gonna see an addiction counselor. Please keep that appt, us addicts have great intentions then talk ourselves right out of it when the time comes. So make sure u follow through because I promise u it will make u walk out of there with a load lifted off ur shoulders. Just talking to someone who has knowledge of what ur going through without being judged will give u a sense of peace like no other. U need this desperately right now.

I know ur getting this extra sub to replace what u have taken off the street but u know as well as I do that there could be anything happen and they won't have em next time. It WILL happen. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, but it will for sure. Then do u realize what a rough time u will have? It will be bad. The amount ur taking....there's no way u can keep this up without something like that happening. Right now u have the opportunity to slow it down and still avoid that. Can't u use that as a little bit of motivation to slow ur dose down? Cause I know that'd scare the heck out of me. I remember when u ran out before and u were so desperate lookin for a new Dr and u couldn't find any on the street and u were miserable. When u finally came bk and posted that u had found a Dr finally, we all rejoiced with u. We were so happy that u weren't sick anymore. Remember those memories to motivate u SA. I don't wanna see u go through that again. Ur too good for that to happen again. I know its easy for me to say that cause I'm not the one fighting this problem, its not easy, by no means. It will be a struggle for ya to slow down but I know u can do this because u have done it so many times before. Please keep us posted no matter if u do better or worse or the same lol. No judgements just concern :) I hope u have a great day!!

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2015 9:24 pm 
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Sub Addict wrote:
It's a must I believe to have my friend and this forum to hold me accountable. I think posting here will make the difference! I know I need additional support like a therapist/counselor or perhaps NA or AA. I will check into meetings soon.


qhorsegal2 wrote:
Hey SA,

I'm sorry if you took what I said as an attack or a bashing. That last comment you quoted was meant to be taken jokingly, not with a mean spirit.

But, I really don't know what else we can say to help you here unless what you are looking for is accountability. Since you have lost that option with your friend, the second best thing would be to have us try to hold you accountable to your dose daily. If that isn't what you are looking for, then I apologize for misunderstanding your request for help.

I definitely don't want to make you feel worse than you already do Sub. I would be happy to help you in any way I can, but I'm at a loss for what else to say.

I just keep thinking about how scared you were when you got dropped from your doctor, and how excited you were to find a new one who was willing to trust you. I don't want to see you jeopardize that relationship.

Q


You're a kind forum-member and friend, Q. (hugs)


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 24, 2015 10:06 pm 
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tinydancer wrote:
Sub Addict wrote:
It's a must I believe to have my friend and this forum to hold me accountable. I think posting here will make the difference! I know I need additional support like a therapist/counselor or perhaps NA or AA. I will check into meetings soon.


qhorsegal2 wrote:
Hey SA,

I'm sorry if you took what I said as an attack or a bashing. That last comment you quoted was meant to be taken jokingly, not with a mean spirit.

But, I really don't know what else we can say to help you here unless what you are looking for is accountability. Since you have lost that option with your friend, the second best thing would be to have us try to hold you accountable to your dose daily. If that isn't what you are looking for, then I apologize for misunderstanding your request for help.

I definitely don't want to make you feel worse than you already do Sub. I would be happy to help you in any way I can, but I'm at a loss for what else to say.

I just keep thinking about how scared you were when you got dropped from your doctor, and how excited you were to find a new one who was willing to trust you. I don't want to see you jeopardize that relationship.

Q


You're a kind forum-member and friend, Q. (hugs)


You've got that right, TD! Our Q is our compassionate and a good hearted person. I need someone like her to counterbalance when I'm feeling jaded and lied to.

I hate it when I feel like my emotions are being manipulated and I get burnt out when there is just one dramatic event after another! But look there! Our Q intervenes with common sense and the things that need to be said rather than easy platitudes.

Amy

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2015 9:13 am 
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Not sure how to take the above post or respond to it? Exceot to say I'm sorry for creating too much drama by providing so much detail. And I would NEVER take advantage of anyone's kindness on this forum, especially Q that has been so understanding and supportive. If I've done any harm or anything wrong or inappropiate to the forum or anyone I sincerely apologize.

I can do this on my own and I want to sincerely thank those that have been so supportive for their time and understanding. All the best to everyone.

Sub Addict


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2015 11:34 am 
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Sub Addict,!!!
No no man, you are Not causing drama bud. No way..And I know Amy wasnt meaning you if thats what you are getting from her post. No way. WE ALL want to be here for ya . We do. Never forget that. Its true.
You have some friends here. Q, Amy, and reread JennJenns last post to you. Reread the last two pages of your thread. Its about caring..Not drama. .really...

Hey you wanta read drama go back 3 or 4 years. LOTS of it ...Point is Mods deal with things here everyday. We want to nelp and advise the best we can. Though our own experiences and those of many many others here now and before us.

Sub Addict, you know the score. You havd tne information of everything Buprenorphine. As Q said, its your drug of choise witch makes this harder in some ways. But no different than anyone else with an opiate problem.

Jenns right, one day soon the subs will run out. Or tbe Dr will go away. I remember having the F**k it's back in my using days.
You have a chance right now to start anew. You can do it, ya did it before, right....?

The best thing could be a stay at a expensive time consuming rehab. 90 days or more. No everyone can do that. I get it.
So that leaves counseling and peer support 12 step meetings and step work.. I wounldnt be Clean Enough today without thoses meetings and iop in my early recovery. Ya, NA was great till I stod up for Buprenorphine one Sunday night. .Give AA a chance maybe...We need people in our lives to recover one way or another.. Your a member here SubAddict, your Our friend. Please come back and keeps Us in Your loop. ..

Hope to here from you......Razor R....


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2015 2:19 pm 
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SA,

I don't think anyone was meaning drama with u, I assume it was a discussion about Q and just happened to be on ur thread for an example maybe? Regardless what it was, this forum is for helping others in our situation and if u need help then ur in the right place. Honesty, it takes guts to admit what you've admitted. I'm not so sure I could've done it. There's tons of stuff I haven't shared on here for fear of ppl knowing too much about my character. We all need help, some more than others. At the very least, u being able to come on here and journal through these feelings will help. Like I said before, only concern from me, no judgement. U need to be here askin for help. Nothing else is working, so u should def keep com in bk like razor said.

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PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2015 5:34 pm 
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I'm sorry, SA, that my mini rant landed on your thread. The only people I'm actually talking about are those people that make up situations that are damn near tragic, but once they resolve one issue another thing pops up. I'm sure you know the type. They thrive on the attention they receive from lovely, caring people like Q. Can you believe that there was one member who constantly had drama, but was caught lying and banned? It can get ugly and Q is always the first one to be welcoming and warm, so I tend to feel protective of her.

I guess that was rant part 2!

But since that's not you, don't worry about what I said in that previous post! You have enough to deal with besides my misplaced mini rant. :)

Amy

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 26, 2015 9:53 am 
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[quote="Sub Addict"]I FOUND A NEW SUB DOCTOR!!!!! YAY!!!! EURIKA!!! I'M COMPLETELY THRILLED!!!

He informed the nurse to move my name to the head of the list!! How about that!!! They had a quick opening and called me right away!!! Talk about LUCK!!!! I was nearly crying I was so happy!!!

It's a looong distance from my home and office, but who cares. It's nearly a 2-hour drive one way. I explained that to the doctor when I went in yesterday to meet him and sign the usual paperwork, and be reinducted. He said we could work something out because I seemed to be a genuine addict in recovery! He told me that if I displayed the ability to follow the rules, no dirty urine tests, no early refills, etc, etc, etc, that he would give me refills to save me some trips to his office. I gave him my word and signed on the dotted line as fast as I possibly could! Lol.

Total of 4mg did the trick.

I got finally got home and RELAXED. I took no more sub!!! Only 4mgs total yesterday so I already have some extra sub. I'm ahead of the game now for once. No more abusing sub. EVER!!!

I WILL NEVER AGAIN TAKE MORE THAN NEEDED!!! I'm going to do my very best to remain at 4 mg per day! Someone, I think it was either Sage or Jennjenn that said this may all turn out for the best and it DID!/quote]



Thanks Razor and Jenn. Thank you too Amy for explaining your post. I thought I had done something terribly wrong in my posts. Thought I had somehow hurt Qhorsegal and you were coming to her defense and gonna beat me up. I understand what you meant and how some stories can turn out to be a little over the top. When I went back and re-read my entire thread I sound like an idiot sometimes bouncing back and forth. Maybe I should provide less info? I was gonna leave rather than risk hurting anyone or having members upset with me, so thanks again for explaining. I would NEVER intentially do anything against forum rules, cause problems, or hurt someome like Q that has been nothing but kind and supportive. No way would I EVER do any of that!!

Speaking of re-reading my thread, when I got to the above quoted post (I quoted parts of it) it REALLY hit me hard. Think I read it over 3-4 times and it made me feel so silly, so upset, so pissed at myself for messing this up so bad. Thought to myself, what the hell am I doing? Might have been the push I needed to get back on track.

I'm gonna read it every day and see what happens. I'm going to try my hardest to take only 4mgs today. That will be a start. I will keep my counseling appt and if that one doesn't work I'll find another one that will.

Thanks guys for always being supportive. I'll try hard to do my part.

SA


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 26, 2015 8:31 pm 
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It's clear you are trying and want to get back down to the proper dose. But is this really about "trying?" And if so what does that mean? Of course you are "trying to not take excesive amounts, but what is your PLAN to accomplish that? Sadly, trying is not enough. If it were anyone could do anything without fail, simply by trying. I could "try" to earn a million dollars but what would that look like? What I really need is a PLAN or a methid to earn the million - not only to try.

Not sure that was the best annalogy but hopefully you see my point. I would strongly encourage you to come up with a plan. Perhaps the plan is to find someone new to hold and dispense your meds? Maybe the plan is to have the pharmacy only fill one week at a time? It's following a new plan that will help you succeed. Otherwise trying is what you did last week. What would be different this week?

Please give that some thought and give some thought into what your new plan will be. Figuring out a plan that works for you will bring success.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 27, 2015 1:35 pm 
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Great advice Donh.

I agree 100%.

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 27, 2015 6:11 pm 
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Yes, I agree, that is GREAT advice, Donh. I can say I will "try" to better myself all I want, but if I can't come up with some kind of PLAN as Donh said it hardly matters. I've been giving this considerable thought and came to the conclusion that this problem requires me to do whatever it takes and figure out a way to take the large quantity of subs from my possession and hand it over to someone else. That seems to be the only way for me to do this.

Maybe getting only a weeks worth from the pharmacy as was suggested, or find someone else I trust completely to hold them and hand them out as needed each day. Time to put a PLAN into action. You're so right Donh.

So what I decided was to take a chance and confide in a close friend of mine that had no idea of my addiction. As far as I know he has never been aware of my addiction for the years I have known him. I spilled my guts about my drug abuse life after first telling him I REALLY needed his help. I gave him the story and he was shocked as I half expected, but said he would do anything to help me get better.

He now has all my subs!!! We agreed he would give me 1 or 2 days worth at a time and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES give me a single bit more. He won't allow me to talk him into giving me any extra.. I now have my plan.

Thanks everyone and I'll update later and let you know how it's going.

SA


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 27, 2015 6:33 pm 
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Awesome news SA! That's def a start & a start with a plan. I know this worked for u before so I'm sure as long as ur friend stays strong (lol) u will be on a good track again. Keep that counselor appt if ya made one yet and you'll be so glad u did. Great news :)

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 27, 2015 10:00 pm 
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Now you're talkin! That is a plan that really should work. On top of it, the plan is very safe because even at 4 mg you won't go into withdrawls up to 48 hours after dosing. There is no danger or downside. Make sure your friend knows this because when you call saying you need them early, and you know you may, he needs to know he is not harming you in any way - not like withholding medicine from a dying man, or even someone in pain.

Hope this works for you! Very glad you made this move.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 8:03 am 
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donh wrote:
It's clear you are trying and want to get back down to the proper dose. But is this really about "trying?" And if so what does that mean? Of course you are "trying to not take excesive amounts, but what is your PLAN to accomplish that? Sadly, trying is not enough. If it were anyone could do anything without fail, simply by trying. I could "try" to earn a million dollars but what would that look like? What I really need is a PLAN or a methid to earn the million - not only to try.

Not sure that was the best annalogy but hopefully you see my point. I would strongly encourage you to come up with a plan. Perhaps the plan is to find someone new to hold and dispense your meds? Maybe the plan is to have the pharmacy only fill one week at a time? It's following a new plan that will help you succeed. Otherwise trying is what you did last week. What would be different this week?

Please give that some thought and give some thought into what your new plan will be. Figuring out a plan that works for you will bring success.


Donh

Thank you for the above post! I am so grateful for this forum because of posts like yours. You advice/suggestion can be used in many situation's not just SA's. Believe it or not, this post helped me immensely today! There have been so many times i have read something here that has been "just what i needed to read". The forum to me is not just about sub's but living life the way we did before addiction took over.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 28, 2015 3:09 pm 
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Hi SA,

I'm really happy that you were able to talk to your friend, and that they have decided to help you out. Having that accountability is huge, and I think it will be great for you.

However, I think there is still an elephant in the room that nobody has talked about. If you still have subs leftover for your friend to hold then that means all of the "extra" you have been taking was purchased elsewhere. What are you going to do to keep yourself from buying them on the street. Have you taken steps to cut off those contacts? Have you told your friend all about that part of it and asked him to hold you accountable for any extra you may have taken?

I was being treated by an addiction counselor for a brief time, and he had some excellent ideas about how make the most out of your accountability partner. He had me make a list of specific questions that my partner was supposed to ask me every day. There were a few basic questions like, "when was the last time you used.", or "how much subs did you take today". But, he also had me write specific questions that were personal to what I struggled with. You might have him ask "have you purchased any extra subs this week, or "did you try to contact your outside source today." Try to think of all of the ways you might cheat, or get around the situation when you are craving and put in a safety net in the form of these questions right now.

Trying to hide things from somebody when they aren't aware of what you are doing is much easier than having them ask you direct questions and lying to their face. Knowing that you are going to have to answer these questions every day may be enough motivation to keep you from going down that path again.

Hope this helps.

Q

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 4:20 pm 
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Hi Q,

Very good point about me buying subs and one that I've actually thought about recently. I'm glad you brought it up I deleted all contact numbers, but the problem is I have them memorized. How do I make myself not call?

I have my first appt with the addiction counselor Tuesday evening and hopefully she'll have some ideas on how to best handle the situation. That was excellent advice given by your counselor and I'll keep it in mind and bring it up at my appt.

I did inform my friend that I was buying extras to hold me over, but he thought little of it because he's never been an addict. I need to make him aware of all the problems I face.

Thanks Q for putting lots of thought into this. It is really appreciated. I'll update again soon.

Sub


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 7:52 pm 
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You may need. To inform these dealer you no longer want to buy anything from them. I've. Even heard of people going to former dealers and nicly saying that you desperately want to get well and do not under any circumstances buy anything from the. Say that even if you call in a moment if weakness you want them to refuse you even if that means telling them you'll call the cops if they ever sell to you again. That seems to work for some.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2015 8:41 pm 
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Sub Addict,
You have been givin many good suggestions. People here are trying to come up with ideas for you. I like Donh's for ins against buying off the street.
But I have another concern. Do you have any fear at all just what could happen if you needed Real pain relief in an emergency. ? Hopefully you will consider this. Ill assume you are below thoses highest doses you were on. I hope so. I dought a Dr would be willing to load you up on full agonst painkillers you would need .
Also, you havn't said much about side effects. There are several with bupe, but a few really standout and could be a problem.
Ney , Im just curious here on how you deal with this when doses exceed 20, 24, 32mgs and up. I know you are struggling SA, this is really troubling. Glad you are getting some time in with a addiction counselor. Best of luck man..hang in there..

Razor..


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 02, 2015 4:55 pm 
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Another great idea, Donh. I may have to resort to using it if I get out of control again. The thing is if I tell some of the people I buy subs from I may call the police I may not get out of there alive!. Rough and tough place. I'll figure something out because I really want it this time. Been taking just 4mgs a day and doing quite well. Thanks again Donh.

Hi Razor....All good points you bring up. I hadn't considered what would happen if I required medical intervention at some point. I would be in trouble most likely taking huge doses. That's a great reason to take less. As I said I'm now back to 4mgs a day and so far it's working.

How were the side effects on the big doses of bupe? Not good at all. I never really felt good at all. Besides the HORRIBLE constipation I mentioned several times previously, I had plenty of headaches, felt sickly overall, difficulty breathing, and the added weight gain is not what I needed or want. Even with feeling as bad as I did on the high amounts I still kept taking them. But I seem to be doing well now and we'll see how it goes.

Funny story: I had to find a new personal physician because my former sub doctor was also my persoanl doctor. Today was my first appt for a routine physical and to establish medical care. When I was finished and came came out of the room there was a patient at the sign-in window DEMANDING the doctor fill her Vicodin script. I was trying not to laugh because I've been there and done the same thing a time or two myself over the years. Well this woman was jumping up and down sacreaming at the top of her lungs. Despite the nurse telling her the doctor would NOT be providing any more narcotics, she said wasn't leaving until she had a script in her hand. The receptionist threatened to call the police, but this gal could have cared less. There was around 5-6 people in the waiting room and they sure got a show. You had to be there to get the full effect.

Made me so blessed I'm no longer chasing those drugs again. Really made me think about buying extra bupe from other sources.

Sub


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